[MB80sgirl]

It's been about 2 years since our disruption & we still have not been matched with a new situation. Next month we have to renew our home study. It seems like it gets harder, not easier as time goes on. I find myself avoiding family get-togethers (which I used to love) because it hurts so much to see relatives with their children & happy lives that they seem to take for granted & I cant stop thinking about how it should have been for us. No one (except for 1 good friend whois so busy I only get to talk to her about once a month) is even willing to bring up the disruption or my feelings. It's hard to tell who's afraid they'll upset me from who just doesnt care. I was venting to one of my best friends & she told me to shut up & stop whining. And I'm sure there's people who think I'm a horrible person for disrupting our adoption & that I dont deserve to adopt again. I also recently found out that the agency we thought was so wonderful has been scamming a bunch of couples & we're out a lot of money that we gave them. It's not like we went into it blind, they came recommended by several social workers & lawyers. I feel so stupid for trusting them & giving them so much money. We signed up with a new agency with a great reputation, but I worry that we wont be able to afford it since it seems like agencies are raising their fees. I dont want to do foster adoption because I could not handle another heartbreak of loving a child where there's a chance she'll be taken away. I know specifying a girl makes the wait longer but I really really really want a girl, & I'd like her to be black like the child we gave up. I know no matter how many children we adopt in the future, no one will ever replace her, but in my heart it feels right to adopt a child of the same race as her, especially since I've been learning about how black children are harder to place. I still feel so much pain from my loss & I feel like no one understands, except maybe my husband. I'm reminded of this pain every day when I see other moms & their kids. I feel it when I'm in a store & see a great toy, like, "She would have been old enough to play with this now." I'm wondering if our dream will ever come true. I have a very loving husband who would make a great father & we have a very loving marriage & so much love to share with a child. We've been praying really hard that our baby girl will find us. Sometimes I wonder if God is even listening. I dont want to give up, but I want to be realistic too. I wish I could go back & change things but I know I cant. I spent the 1st year after the disruption taking care of myself & our marriage, & searching my soul, trying to figure out what God wants me to do. I've gotten a lot stronger. I'm getting sick of the waiting & getting sick of pretending I'm happy & that there isnt a big hole in my life where my child should be. I'm sick of watching everyone else have & adopt babies & wondering whether it'll ever be my turn. I feel like if anyone knew I felt these things they'd think I was unstable & question whether I should be a mom, like I feel like a good mom should be happy all the time & completely unselfish, even though I know that's not really true. I know if I ever get a baby I'll love her & appreciate her so much because we went through so much to get her, & we'll give her a wonderful home filled with love. I just wish I knew where to find her!

[Linny]

You know....I'm trying hard to remember how old the child was that you disrupted with....but I know your feelings and I've known them well. Please feel free to pm me as I'd be glad to send my list of adoption agencies attorneys I recommend. Can't remember why you disrupted (if you gave details here at all before), but it sounds like you're still dealing with a 'bad agency' and that's not good for anyone.....

Please know that your feelings are valid and understandable...especially if you disrupted because the child was violent and/or dangerous. We have been in those shoes, believe me....and we went on to adopt again...more than once.

Sincerely,

Linny