[MB80sgirl]

It's been almost a year since our disruption & I was reading my posts, remembering all the difficult emotions & all that's happened since then. The little girl was finally diagnosed with cerebral palsy, mental retardation, & seizures, & she went to her new home at the end of May. We were able to find wonderful parents for her who love special needs children & see them as gifts. Since then she's had even more problems the last I heard-sleep apnea, a heart problem, & might need to be tube fed. I dont know how the agency staff could have not known there was something wrong. I feel we did the right thing but not everyone else does. My best friend of 5 years stopped speaking to me (she said we could use her as a reference for our home study & she backstabbed us by writing to the social worker that she wouldnt recommend us as parents. That really hurt me as you can imagine but luckily we had enough good references to offset it) & my online support group kicked me out. I'm moving on though. This experience brought me closer to my husband, I'm very lucky it didnt destroy our marriage. We moved into a new house for a fresh start. We went on a second honeymoon in June & in July we had a home study update. We finally received our approval in November & signed on with an agency. In August I started a part time job. We were going to be matched with a birthmother in January, but she disappeared before we paid anything, & we're still waiting. The waiting is so hard! I've learned I'm not entitled to a quick & easy adoption to make up for the difficulty we had in the past! I'm worried we'll never get matched & no birth mother will ever pick us. I think that's one of the reasons we chose international the 1st time, that the agency picks for you, & you dont have to wait for the birthmother to pick you. Sometimes it makes me feel so insecure when I think about the couples getting picked & how much better than us they myust be, even though the agency people tell me not to feel that way. I'm still going to counseling to help deal with my feelings. I wish we'd hurry up & get matched but I want the right baby this time, the one we can keep in our family forever & finally get our happy ending. I just wanted to let everyone know what happened to me & let others in this heartbreaking situation know you're not alone, life goes on, & you can get approved to adopt again.

[kakuehl]

I wish for you that you might find peace in the waiting. Trust God that the right time and the right child will come along.

I know that when I placed my firstborn for adoption, my mother had declared (and I agreed) that if he had any discernible defects at birth he would not have been placed. I'm sure that disruption must have been heart wrenching for you; people are often judgmental even when they have no understanding of a situation.
Again, may you experience peace as you wait.

[Empty_Nest]

Blow off the people who judge you. They haven't walked in our shoes.

We've been through three disruptions, all of them about twenty years ago. It gets easier over time, although for me the guilt will never go completely away. The first one was our oldest daughter, fifteen at the time. She was threatening the rest of the family in ways I'm not sure we completely understand even now. We had to place her in foster care and lost track of her when she turned eighteen.

The other two, a brother and sister who were part of a sib group of five, were eventually diagnosed with FAE and myriad other serious problems.

We were not equipped to deal with the massive problems these three presented, particularly since we had five other kids with various significant problems, too. We were simply overwhelmed and under-trained. We have re-united with the youngest of the three in the past three years, and realize we absolutely did the right thing to let her and her brother go.

Good luck in your new quest for adopting, and a pox on the house of your former friend who promised to be supportive and then back-stabbed you. Someday, you will have the child who is really meant for you.

[chickymum]

OK, first all your best friend is NOT your best friend. If she thought there was a problem with you becoming parents then if she was a real friend she would have come to talk to you about it.
And second you are not being punished by a having a difficult time adopting because of the first one going wrong. God just has his reasons that we have to accept.
It is difficult to feel OK about moving on because the treatment that you recieve from others is extremely haunting. I remember a comment my husband made when we went through a disruption was 'I guess we about to find out who our true friends are'. He was right.
Even the SW's were horrible. We were grilled for months about what we did wrong and it must have been all our fault. (These were 'ministry of children and family' SW's so next adoption is through a private agency.)
I am glad you are working through what you need to and I pray that things start to move for you soon. In the mean time remember that good things can sometimes come with time.

[Empty_Nest]

Yup, you'll definitely learn who your friends are and aren't. And you'll probably find a few in your corner who surprise you by being there. I think sometimes people think crises are contagious, and you're Typhoid Mary.

[Linny]

I'm glad you're continuing to go to counseling; but having gone through two (and technically three) disruptions, I have to say that life, finally---does--go--on...and it will for you too. Really. It will.
As far as being picked and having another baby to love.....that will happen too.
Our family is living proof of that. Our new agency understood completely why we chose to disrupt; even wondered why anyone would think differently when younger children in the home were definately in harm's way!
But, in 2006....almost two years from our horrible nightmare----and only a few months from our updated homestudy....we brought home a new baby boy.

This...will happen for you. It will. Hang in there, keep praying....it WILL get better, I guarantee it. (((HUGS)))

Most Sincerely,

Linny

Please feel free to pm me if you'd like.

[MB80sgirl]

Our SW was totally understanding too, & so is the agency we're working with now. I dont know how anyone could blame us for disrupting a child with so many problems. The agency that placed the child wasnt so supportive, they just told us that God meant us to have that child. It feels like it's been 10 years instead of just one. I've been praying so hard for a new baby & her room is all ready for her!