[cynthiab]

We are in the process of disrupting our adoption. It was an international adoption and our origional agency only deals with international adoptions and since he is now a U.S citizen they can't really help us. They did refer us to a social worker who has located a great family for him.The social worker said that we will grant permission for him to go stay with them, this way they can get to know him and decide if they want to go through with adopting him. Does this sound right? I know in my heart that we are not the right family for him, but I do care about what happens to him. I'm so afraid this next family won't work out then he'll be moved again. I expressed my concern to the social worker and she feels the same way, thats why she chose this family. They have 4 adopted kids from the same country as my son, one was from a disrupted adoption. I guess my question is has anyone else been through this and how did it work. Thanks in advance.

[Linny]

I know that you care about this child. Your post also says that you know you are not the right family for this child anymore....and there is nothing wrong with this.
For whatever reason, I'm sure you did not come to this decision lightly or casually.....but with full thought and concern. (((HUGS)))

We've BTDT...though not with an international adoption. Let me just say this: You have done the best you can. You are continuing to do the best you can, by helping this child find a family where he can better 'be'.

Let it happen. Give it a try. At some point, you have to let go and hope that this other family will work. And, if by chance, this other family doesn't work...then you will find another. From what you have posted, this sounds like a good try for him. Be confident in this; and give it a try.
They (the other family) will have to decide for themselves...and they can only make that decision by being with him and dealing with him.

In the meantime, be confident you have done the best you could...and if you have to 'try again' in finding another family, you will do so again.

My best to you.......

Linny

[lucyjoy]

The social worker seems to have found an experienced family. I know when I took my sons from disrupted placements, they did need to stay with me awhile first before we adopted. I don't know what your situation is, but I know for one of my sons, he needed to be where other kids had the same background as him. He's former parents are wonderful people, he just couldn't adjust there with their bio child.

I know this is a very painful time for you. I hope this turns out to be a good solution for all of you.

[rykyki]

As an adoption professional, I am seeing a greater number of disrupted international adoptions than ever before. Does anyone have any advice as to whether or not there are specific issues that are not being addressed during the home study that should be? What can we do to prepare these families better? Thank you.

[cynthiab]

Thank you Linny and Lucy joy for your words of support. I found out yesterday that the family that the social worker told me about are not thinking of adopting him, they were going to keep him until they can find another family. Wouldn't that make him worse? The agency and social worker were afraid I was going to put him in foster care. Which I wouldn't do. I am so tired of being lied to and mislead. Can I use a different agency to do the disruption? The agency and social worker are all the way in Oregon and we live in N.J.
To RYKYKI I think one of the things some adoptions are disrupted is the families are not educated and prepared for what can happen. I think the agencies should require that the families take classes . Our agency did nothing except call when they needed something. They never even called after we brought are son home. The first time I spoke with them was 3 months after we came home and thats because I called them hysterically crying because I didn't know what to do with my child. Even then they offered nothing. Its like they never dealt with these issues, which is hard to imagine because I'm sure were not the only people who have had problems. I'm so angry with myself for not educating myself before this. I expected some adjustment issues but never this. Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated.

[lucyjoy]

"We've never dealt with this issue" is the party line. They refuse to deal with these situations and they happen frequently. Parents are not taught about the bonding cycle and what happens when it's broken. Parents are not taught about developmental issues caused by severe neglect or missing the crucial bonding time. Families are not taught how to parent from day one in ways that will facilitate attachment. They are not offered post placement assistance and support.
Often times, when parents call the agency for help, they are given the brush off and told to love the child more. Love doesn't fix chronic neglects affects on the brain.

Cynthia, no agencies were involved at all in the disruptions I adopted from. They were not interested in helping the families at all.

Will the inbetween transitional home make him worse? Not necessarily. It is another break but if the family is RAD trained and able to help him learn to live in a family and help transition him into a permanant placement then it can be a benefit.

How are they going about finding another family? They need to be sure whoever they find understands the real issues so as not to send him bouncing place to place.
Nancy Spoolstra, of the Attachment Disorder Network may be able to provide you more information on what the options are for how you disrupt. It's done some many different ways. You can email her at Nancy@radzebra.org . Her website is Home
She also writes the reactive attachment disorder blog on this site.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this more.

[Lissa]

Originally Posted by rykyki

As an adoption professional, I am seeing a greater number of disrupted international adoptions than ever before. Does anyone have any advice as to whether or not there are specific issues that are not being addressed during the home study that should be? What can we do to prepare these families better? Thank you.

Honestly I don't think enough paps are getting enough training about the problems you can experience in an international adoption situation. I know that being over 3hours away from my placing agency and being over an hour away from my homestudy agency (who knew very little about the process--so little it is scary) made any kind of training impossible. I was encouraged (but not required) to do an online course by the placing agency that cost over $100 and taught me NOTHING! I am a college professor. Research is my gig and I researched like crazy and even still research can never totally prepare you for the individual concerns your child will bring.
I think SW need more training. My social worker asked me yesterday at our final post placement visit if I knew why babies were usually 6 months at the youngest from China so she could tell paps as they kept asking and she didn't know why!!--All I have to say about that is WOW!
I think parents need more training--even seasoned parents. I am personally aquainted with some people right now who are opting out of the recommended training because they are older parents who have 2 grown children. I told them not to do that as adoptive parenting (as much as adoptive parents would LOVE to say this isn't true) is different that biological parenting. The love, the devotion is not different, but the whole process is and we need to be aware of that and accept and embrace those differences.

So long answer to short question...but I have tons of sympathy for all involved. I know I have it easy with Lydia. She adapted well and attached quickly. She has issues...speech, and attachment (barnacle baby we call her) being our most pressing concerns, but others don't have it so simple. Others deal with rages, hysteria, oral aversions, failure to thrive, etc. but so few parents are really aware and even fewer are advised where to turn should those problems arise.

[Linny]

I think there are many reasons why there are more and more disruptions.

The reasons that many have already posted are very true. I would also add though, that the agencies/social workers need to realize that there ARE some children that have extreme disorders......and children that SHOULD only be placed as single placements...with no other children in the home.
And, to realize that some children will NOT change......as Lucy states, the effects on the brain after severe neglect, chaos, etc.....can often NOT be undone. But, many social workers want to think that 'all children are just children......they couldn't possibly feel the need to rage, to hurt others, to want to kill animals and such. AND....to realize that the adoptive parents DO FEEL sadness, this is NOT what they wanted....they don't 'feel as though they are simply getting rid of a child', KWIM?

I have gotten so sick of hearing some agencies talk as if we went into this without planning to parent our children forever. Nothing could be further from the truth!!!!!

As far as whether it would be hurtful for this child to be placed somewhere temporarily, Lucy speaks well when she says that it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. If you are feeling stressed and as though you can't help this child further (and this would be normal)......then it may only help (again, as Lucy points out) if the family is versed in attachment parenting, etc.

Personally, it came to the point (and the danger) that to keep our sons in our home, meant danger to our other children. We would go to the ends of the earth to help the boys; but not to the point of putting the other children in harm's way.

Sincerely,

Linny

[joskids]

I so strongly agree with Linny. It's so easy for others to attach a blame on adoptive parents and try to "save a child" by making allegations that are so untrue, to the detriment of a family already struggling. I've seen it over and over again in friends that have adopted hurt children. It can easily destroy a family. The reality is that adoption is not always the answer. There are children with such deep wounds that it's too much to ask of them to bond with a family. Alternatives are available and, as hurtful as it is to feel that we've "given up" on a child, sometimes it's the only answer in order to save those that want to be healthy in a family setting. I wish there was a better answer for all that are struggling.

Josie

[family friend]

I was curious as to what finally happened to this child and how the family is doing now. Care to post an update?

[sak9645]

Rykyki-

Part of the increase in the number of disruptions is simply the increase in the number of adoptions. It is unrealistic to think that no disruptions will occur, when Americans adopt over 20,000 children a year from overseas, and when probably an equal or greater number are adopted domestically.

But there are certainly things that can be done to reduce the likelihood of a disruption. Here are a few related to international adoption:

1. Placement agency needs to be sure it works only with the most reputable, well-trained in-country contractors/facilitators to identify babies and match them with families. It should not pay these overseas people on a per-baby basis, as that encourages the overseas people to misrepresent the health status of the children in order to get more placed. And it should make sure that the contractor or facilitator knows the "hot button" issues for American families -- things like fetal alcohol syndrome, attachment disorder, etc. -- and can identify a child who may be at risk, even if the orphanage doesn't include such a diagnosis in its records.

2. Placement agency should convey to the adoptive families every scrap of information it can obtain on a referred child. Depending on the rules of the foreign country, in terms of how much it can work with the orphanages, it should try to obtain the best and most reliable information on the child's health, development, birthparents, reason for the child's placement for adoption, etc. No information should be held back because it could "scare" the adoptive family.

Placement agency should also belong to advocacy organizations like JCICS, which can help to educate foreign governments about the types of information that should be made available on each adoptable child. There is a distinct advantage in having agencies work together on such issues.

3. Placement agency should consider not working at all in countries where families are not allowed to see referrals before travel. Too many families are required to travel "blind" and then "pick" a child while overseas.

This leads to situations in which a family who was prepared for an infant gets told that only older children are available, and accepts the older child -- with all the issues of older child adoption -- rather than go home without a child. It also leads to situations where the family sees an absolutely gorgeous, sociable child and does not recognize that the physical features and outgoing nature are hallmarks of FAS. Families should be able to see a referral while at home, review it with expert physicians, check out their community's resources for dealing with possible problems, etc.

4. Homestudy agency must NOT cave in to families who want "cheaper and quicker" homestudies, by moving towards what I have heard social workers call "drive-by homestudies." A homestudy should be a thorough process of parent preparation; while parents shouldn't be gouged financially, the fees should reflect the fact that the social worker needs to put in several hours of document review, counseling sessions, home inspections, and writeups. Telephone chats shouldn't count as an interview. At least three face-to-face counseling sessions, on separate days, should be required.

Preadoption classes should probably be required for any international adoption by a person who has no other internationally adopted children. Families should be give LOTS of information about issues such as transracial parenting, developmental issues, attachment issues, and so on.

Families should be helped to find ethical placement agencies with good track records in their countries of choice. Social workers need to educate themselves about the various agencies that are out there, and their programs, so that they can give appropriate recommendations and advice.

5. Homestudy agencies should also not be afraid to reject a family. I know that social workers are taught to recognize that many different types of family can be suitable for a child, and not to be judgmental about a family that is not like the social worker's own. I know that social workers are also taught to focus on making adoptions successful, rather than turning down families. These things can be very positive in many ways, but they can also make the social worker afraid to say, "No, that family is NOT well prepared to parent."

And when you combine that with the legitimate fear that the agency will be sued if it rejects a family, you can see why some inappropriate families get accepted.

I have seen people accepted despite such severe psychiatric issues that they committed suicide soon after they adopted. I have seen people accepted despite alcoholism that was not well controlled. I have seen people accepted with so many personal issues -- overly tight finances, physical health problems, etc. -- that a child with minor problems was enough to tip them over the edge into disruption. And I think we have all read of families that were approved when there HAD to have been indications that they were likely to become abusers.

I truly believe that if a social worker uses his/her best clinical judgment in assessing a family, comes to the conclusion that the family cannot meet the needs of an internationally adopted child, documents the facts and observations that led to that conclusion, and so on, the agency should be willing to take the risk of a lawsuit. Yes, it may mean that a child will wait longer for a set of parents, but that may be better than having a disruption.

6. Homestudy AND placement agencies should do a lot more to help and support families after their adoptions. Mandatory post-placement visits are just the tip of the iceberg. Families need information on the various paperwork that needs to be done after adoption -- Social Security, readoption, citizenship, etc. Families need access to information about good sources of diagnosis and treatment for problems ranging from developmental delays to sleep issues to attachment disorders -- preferably sources near to where they live and oriented to adoptive families. Families also need support groups of other adoptive families facing similar challenges.

When a family is in crisis, the homestudy or placement agency shouldn't just "wash its hands" of the family. It should make every effort to prevent disruption, first off, by getting the parent linked up with appropriate counseling services.

I'd also like to see more agencies develop a respite care program -- short term foster care for a child while the parents in crisis take some time to rest/decompress, get counseling, and explore options. I really believe that such programs would reduce actual disruptions.

It would also be helpful if agencies -- possibly working through one of the large advocacy organizations -- could develop a grant program to be used in cases where a child winds up needing long-term residential care because he/she has such severe issues (history of sexual/physical abuse, reactive attachment disorder) that he/she is a threat to himself/herself and others.

Some parents wind up disrupting adoptions because they discover the enormous cost of residential treatment, not covered by insurance, and learn that the only way they can get their child into such a program is to disrupt the adoption and put the child into the state foster care system. Wouldn't it be great if a group of agencies, working together, could persuade a major foundation to provide grants so that families wouldn't have to disrupt in order to get their severely disturbed children help? Is this "pie in the sky"? Maybe. But I would hope that, long term, something could be done.

And if a family really reaches a point where disruption is inevitable, I'd like to see the homestudy and placement agency play a much more significant role in helping to rehome the child. Most agencies have waiting lists of families who want healthy infants. What they also need is a list of families who are willing to adopt the children of disruption, many (though not all) of whom will be older and will have emotional and behavioral challenges. Agencies may well want to recruit and train potential replacement families, even before a need arises. They should, at the very least, come up with some strategies for recruiting replacement families who can deal with the "less than perfect" child.

I hope you understand that I'm not "dumping on" agencies. You asked for my recommendations for agencies. I believe, however, that disruption is not "caused" just by bad agency practices.

Families sometimes go into adoption with unrealistic beliefs, and sometimes don't listen well, no matter how many social worker visits the homestudy requires or how long a preadoption class they take. Some manage to "con" their agencies into thinking they are good candidates. Some simply do not do their homework; even the best homestudy is no substitute for a prospective parent's self-education.

Foreign facilitators sometimes play a role in creating the circumstances that lead to disruption, by misrepresenting children to agencies and prospective parents. Agencies need to work with the U.S. State Department and other entities to persuade foreign governments to police their adoption systems, so that people who steal babies, coerce birthparents, solicit bribes, and so on are put out of action, and so that a transparent system is created.

Foreign countries, of course, need to work on the social ills that cause children to be placed in care, and to develop orphanages and foster care programs that treat children in humane ways. When a child who may have been abused or neglected in his/her birth family comes into care in a setting where emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is common, he/she is likely to develop severe emotional problems that will make it hard for an adoptive family to raise him/her. Again, agencies can work with our government, with adoption advocacy organizations, and with child welfare charities to help foreign orphanages become better at what they do. Agencies should not just be in the "adoption" business; they must be in the child welfare business.

Our own government could do a little more in terms of helping adoptive families. As I mentioned above, there's something wrong when a family must disrupt an adoption in order to get a child into residential care for severe emotional/behavioral problems caused by abuse, neglect, etc. in his/her birth family or orphanage.

I'd also like to see family leave policies strengthened, so that adoptive parents can do more than take unpaid leave when they first come home with their child. Families who adopt need time to build their child's attachment and create the schedules and structures that make for smooth sailing, and they shouldn't be forced to rush back to work prematurely, or else sacrifice wages. A fatigued parent worried about lost income could well become so stressed, especially if confronted with a very challenging child, that disruption becomes a possibility.

I support the U.S. ratification of the Hague Convention on international adoption, at least in principle. I believe that both the Convention itself, and the Intercountry Adoption Act of 2000, which is designed to guide the implementation of the Convention in the U.S., CAN do a lot to prevent the sorts of problems that can lead to disruption.

Of course, a lot depends on how well the Convention is actually implemented. In the worst case, implementation could increase the paperwork, timing, and cost of international adoption, without significantly improving conditions for children, birthparents, and adoptive families.

But I really believe that agencies and families have made their expectations clear to the State Department, which will become the Central Authority under the Hague, and that the State Department has tried to be responsive. I also believe that agencies and families will continue to provide input, as the Hague is implemented and fine-tuned. Although there may be some early glitches, I am hopeful that it will help, at least to some degree, to create better prepared parents, better performing agencies, and so on.

Sharon

[cynthiab]

Family Friend
We did send him to the other family. It was really hard but it was best for everyone including him. He's been gone a little over 2 months. They aren't sure their going to adopt him yet, but he's doing really great there and the family he's with is wonderful. It was the best decision we could've made. Our daughter has returned to her happy self and it's so wonderful to see.
To everyone else that offered support:
THANK YOU!

[DianeScraps]

cynthia-

I am glad to hear things are improving for everyone.

Diane

[angelkisses0102]

That is great news for all involved...

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by cynthiab

We are in the process of disrupting our adoption. It was an international adoption and our origional agency only deals with international adoptions and since he is now a U.S citizen they can't really help us.

I wish I saw your post back when you first made it. I know of an agency that specializes in placing children from disrupted international adoptions (at no charge to either family). Adoptive families do need a homestudy & lawyer to do the ICPC.

If anyone stumbles on this post in the future and wants the name of the agency, please let me know in a PM.