[princess_bakeneko]

I'm so glad I found this board. We're in the process of finishing up our foster-to-adopt license.

We're infertilie, have been trying to have a bio child for ten years now. Multiple surgeries, double digit IVF's, many m/c's and finally last fall lost of a late 2nd trimester pregnancy (terminated due to very severe birth defects).

We've got a failed domestic (birthmom decided to parent) and failed international behind us (DH is military, we just couldn't afford it, and make the travel requirements work as it turned out)

So....we've started the foster to adopt thing. But I'm really troubled by several things. Our RAD training consisted of a 2 hour class with a somewhat uniterested teacher. We looked over some handouts and did some somewhat silly exercises (pretending to be barnyard animals). We were made to read some feel-good poetry aloud...

Anyway - I feel like the agency wasnt very interested in discussing the possibility that well, sometime things don't work out and not all children can be healed with "love".

The thing that is really scaring me right now is how long these probelms seem to take to present (?)

For so many years, all I've thought about is being a mom but frankly, alot of what I'm reading makes me wonder if child-free living might be ok for us too.

Just wondering what # of adoptions actually fail or disrupt ? And what % of people who adopt regret their adoption later?

[Linny]

We have had three older child adoptions, and five infant adoptions. Two of the infant adoptions are now grown, doing well, and are swell adults.
All three of the older child adoptions failed in some way. (The remaining three infant adoptions are still in infancy or pre-schoolers now. All three doing well.)

I know that in the past, stats showed that the older the child when placed, the higher the rate of disruption.

Disruption or dissolution (which is the term I think more aptly describes what happens) is something that few (if any) agencies want to discuss.
And, as far as I'm concerned, and from what I've read and experienced, you are correct to assume the system wants little to do with any situations that don't work out. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, they don't even want to talk about it, for fear people will re-consider adopting older children.
There ARE successful older child adoptions....BUT, adopting older children requires a totally different mind-set, I believe. It also requires a different type of parenting in many situations, and the determination some couples just don't have.
Those that do, have a determination and preserverence that's beyond commitment, believe me.

We tried for years to help the three we had (two separate adoptions)...and regardless of the therapies and such, there were things that could NOT be changed---because the kids had to want to change first. This was not the case. Further, when we needed help---the system was no where in sight....much more, they were prepared to take us to court, to scorn us for 'not sticking with it' (after more than four and seven years for the children)......and they were quite willing to allow our other children to be in total harm's way!!!!

The main thing to remember is that education is the key...period. Also, knowing that YOU have all the choice in whether to accept a particular child or not. Don't be pushed into accepting a kid you feel will not fit.

There are other considerations as well, but the two above are probably paramount in deciding whether to adopt an older child---and which child to accept.

Good luck in your decision.

Sincerely,

Linny

[princess_bakeneko]

Thanks Linny,

I think the main thing that is troubling me is that I feel like they are saving the "good"/young children for those with bio's already. Whenever we discussed "profiles" (children that met our critera) if someone with bio's said they need 0-2 because of birth order - the agency reps would nod encouragingly. But when one of us infertilies would say we were looking for very young - we'd be told that we'd be waiting a long, long time and that "maybe we should consider adopting an older child, there are so many waiting"....I totally understadn preserving birthorder but felt it was totally unfair that those of us who can't or dont already have kids were being steered towards older children....

I guess my other question is - the agency seemed to indicate that there are/were very few dissolutions with their agency or with adoptions int he US in general.....But I've been wondering alot lately about how many people would choose disrupt if they weren't afraid of the wrath of friends/family/society/county/etc...Or if they had known more information - wouldnt' have adopted at all. (?)

[Linny]

But I've been wondering alot lately about how many people would choose disrupt if they weren't afraid of the wrath of friends/family/society/county/etc...Or if they had known more information - wouldnt' have adopted at all. (?)

While I stated that I know----somewhere, there are good and successful older child adoptions, I also know of a LOT of people who'd disrupt----today----IF they knew they wouldn't be charged with abandonment or neglect (a tactic the system LOVES to use to force good families to stay intact with dangerous kids within the family). I've also read/heard several families (including ours) who feel that if they'd realized they'd have no support when things went badly, they'd not have adopted older children at all!
Again, the bottom line is realizing what you're up against; and knowing what your limitations are as well. And, to know that you need to approach older child adoption with eyes-wide-open, to say the least.

Sincerely,

Linny

[evansmum]

Originally Posted by princess_bakeneko

Whenever we discussed "profiles" (children that met our critera) if someone with bio's said they need 0-2 because of birth order - the agency reps would nod encouragingly. But when one of us infertilies would say we were looking for very young - we'd be told that we'd be waiting a long, long time and that "maybe we should consider adopting an older child, there are so many waiting"....

Wow, princess, I NEVER thought of it that way before. And y'know, you're kinda right....

BUT you do need to realize that the agencies don't JUST call me (for instance) with children younger than Nathan (27 mos). We get calls for kids from birth to about 15yo. We turned down a 9yo girl a couple weeks ago.... mainly because our 8yo said that HE would call placement back and have them place HIM somewhere else if we took her! lol

But I have seen a lot of homes lately (with bio children already) getting placements of newborns (3 come to mind just in the past few weeks), while there are FTA homes with no bios due to infertility sitting empty.

[princess_bakeneko]

Thanks guys, Like I said I totally understand wanting to keep birth order and all....but I felt like the people with bios weren't made to feel guilty for not wanting an older child...but those with IF were.

Foster-to-adopt is a huge leap of faith for us as it is...it is so hard for us to put ourselves us there with all the failed pregnancies and having to terminate the last pregnancy so late.

It seemed/seems like the agency is going to place a baby with a couple that has a 4 and 7 year old (bios)...but we're being told that unless we adjust our profile we will be old and grey before we see a baby/toddler.

The RAD issue iside, we feel like we have been cheated out of so much already. Our first US were we saw the baby move and heard the heartbeat - we also saw that his inside were hanging outside. And later appts showed a defect in the heart, then a defect in the spine, and a misshappen head - so with all our other losses being so early and then this - we never had a single moment of pregnancy joy. We'll never get a shower, send out birth announcements, see our baby sit up for the first time , etc.... We were ok with a toddler - had already "given up" on the baby stuff (adopted or bio). But then when they started with the much older kids, it was heartbreaking. (and yes, I know I know fostering is about the children not us) but still....we felt like asking for the first day of school, kindgarten graduation, tooth fairy, santa, learning to ride a bike, etc wasn't asking for TOO much. I mean people with bios already got all that stuff at least once...

Sorry if I'm hjk'ing this thread. My heart really goes out to those who have or are considering disruption. Two good things came out of our last pregnancy - my husband and I became even closer and I realized that you never know what someone else has been through or is going through, or what you might do in their same shoes. We were really beaten up over terminating our pregnancy, I know we did the right thing and that I'd do the same again. But wow, the people who made our life a living hell over our termination (of a baby which had no chance of survival past a few hours/days)........

[Linny]

Princess:
I'm sooo sorry you've been through the saddness you've experienced in your life. (((HUGS))))
I want to stress something here though.......don't feel badly because you wanted (or still want) a baby. There's nothing wrong with this---in fact, I'll go so far as to say that you really shouldn't be adopting an older child (even a toddler) if you really, in your heart, want to have the 'firsts' with a baby.
And, who wouldn't want to have the firsts with their baby????? For most, this is pretty normal and you have every right to want this!!!!!! ((More hugs)))

I would continue to encourage you to pursue baby adoption. If this is in your heart, IMO, it's bound to cause, at least some disappointment if you were to choose to adopt any child that's older, KWIM?

If you're hesitant to continue a search for baby adoption....please reconsider. Don't give up and don't settle for anything else but what's in your heart! There are lots of stories of people who thought they'd not ever be able to adopt, or realize their dreams of more children, but one day had their baby in their arms!!!

My best to you......

Sincerely,

Linny