[lucyjoy]

It's hard to dissolve an adoption. Sometimes, if you can find another family willing to adopt, it's easier. Tough to do that with a teenager. Many states will charge you with neglect if you try to just outright dissolve. Might try getting in touch with ADN through Home to find other parents dealing with situations like yours.

[trying2hard]

Going through painful time with dissolution of severely emotionally disturbed child due to violence and anger issues. Any good advice on how to proceed?

[Linny]

Trying:
I have sent a pm to you.

Sincerely,

Linny

[garry970]

I have a 12yo in pre-adoption placement since June 1.

He was matched with me from MARE Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange. I met him in Aug 2006, and was aware that he was in a residential treatment facillity, He was 11 then, and had made progress after being there for 2 years. The thing is, is that he had been sexually abused at age 5, and had allegedly had acted out with his younger brother back in 2002, he about 7 at the time. He was placed in foster care in 2003 because his mother was doing drugs and had abused him and his brother and neglected them. He had been placed in 2 other foster homes since then in which the last one, the foster parents decided to adopt his younger brother and not him, due to his destructive behaviors back then.

He was then put in a residential facility.

After a long wait to get him out of residential and only visiting with me on weekends, he was finally placed with me on June 1. I thought that was great news!!

I am also a licensed foster parent since 2004. I foster boys ages 5-12.

I had plans to adopt 4 boys in the next 2 years and continue fostering with the 12yo being the oldest.

Here's the situation. I had accepted a foster child age 9 in May that had sexually abused his own younger sister in the past. The caseworker and I agreed that since the 9yo had acted out with girls, he would be best placed in home with all boys. Later that month, at one on my 12yo adoptive son's visits, the 9yo foster child had sexually acted out with him without my knowledge. There were 3 other foster boys in my home in which two had walked in on the activity. None of the boys told me about this. I found out when one of the witness children had got in a fight with the 9yo foster child at school and the social worker heard about the situation at my house during the fight, and CPS was notified. The result was that all of the foster children were moved from my home pending an investigation. That happend on June 6, just after the 12yo was placed by court order, so they could not remove him. The 9yo who allegedly started this was placed in a residential treatment center.

According to CPS (Child Protective Services), both boys were acting out with each other and both of them had admitted it, and she recommended that I only foster boys older than him, and no child shall share a room with him.

I just couldn't believe that he would do this and I was in denial, and then I remembered the situations in his past.

By July, my agency agreed with the CPS worker and gave the same recommendation. Only children ages 14-18, not share a room with my 12yo, and not accept children with history of sexual acting out.

So now, I can't foster, or adopt younger children and do not wish to foster or adopt older children.

The 3 other local agencies made the same recommendation.

The adoption won't be final until about December or January. I just don't know what to do? I like working with younger children, but if I try to disrupt this adoption, I will have trouble adopting children in the future.

I have grown very attached with this child, but I'm hoping that he will be better off in a different home that can accomodate his needs, and if I can't adopt again, then I want to still foster for a long time.

Please Help!!!!

Advice Please!!!

garry9700

[lucyjoy]

You need to decide you can parent this child as an only child without resentment or you need to not parent him.

Do not let fear that you won't get another placement guilt you into keeping a child you are not ready to parent. Guilt does not make a good foundation for a relationship.

And people do foster and adopt after disruption.

It will be very, very hard with this boys history for him to find a placement willing to take him. He does need treatment for his sexual issues. They won't just disappear.

You are in a very painful position. I hope you can find some peace in whatever decision you make.

[bajj]

I've never been where any of you have. I've never adopted an older child. I just wanted to offer support and prayers. I can not imagine the pain you go through. One poster said she doesn't love her son. I feel you do love him, or else you wouldn't be trying to do what is best for him and your family, that's JMHO.

((((((hugs to all)))))) You are all in my prayers.

[Linny]

I think you've already answered your own question in your heart. If you really want to parent/foster younger boys, it would seem there's no way you'll be allowed to do this by keeping the child you have now.

I'm familiar with the pain in your decision. We had a son we'd adopted who'd been in our home for over 5yrs and he sexually assaulted/ and attempted to sexually assaut other children--- we refused to allow him to live in our home due to the dangers he presented to our children. It was heart-wrenching in many ways; but not when it came to protecting our children.

I understand your worry you'll never be able to parent again......but as lucy stated, resentment isn't a good element in raising children. Also, as Lucy said, this child needs to be in an environment to help him with his issues.........ones which I don't think can go away with weekly therapy.

If the system should give you grief about disrupting this placement, using the points that you had him in your home for this time (which, BTW, one month really isn't that long); it should also be pointed out that you're realizing HIS needs aren't being met by being in your home, etc. (Those 'points' the system loves to bring up, can always be considered on the flip side too, KWIM?)

The system needs foster parents desparately. You've told them what you'd like to do in terms of parenting and what you wished to raise in your family. If the CHILD had had issues that weren't being met, the system would have had NO problem in removing him from your home, KWIM?
Just because the problems exist within the child, himself, is no reason YOU should have to change your entire life/environment to accomodate his needs.

I would disrupt this placement, give yourself some time to wait and recover;---I would be very surprised if you're NOT given another placement within a short time.

Sincerely,

Linny

[trying2hard]

As an MSW myself I know how hard it is to disrupt.... you feel like it puts your professional credentials at stake and any CPS involvement will hurt. However, what I have found is that when people hear how much we have done and how hard we have worked to save these terribly hurt children, the sacrifices and the tears.... they applaud us for our compassion. Many peopl ehave said they wish they could have done everything that we had done for a child in need but they never have! Hang in there! You know in your heart you have to protect the other children!