[scooter71]

I apologize for the length of this message… We need tips on how to help our daughter who is having extreme fits of rage that last 1-2 hrs if we don’t give in. During these episodes her screams sound more like a growling animal than a child crying. She also does a strange motion like she’s hitting herself in the face repeatedly – but not hard, it’s more like brushing her hand across her face vertically.

She was abandoned at birth in Kazakhstan, we adopted her at 10 months old along w/ a boy 6 months older than her (having 2 kids has made this particularly stressful, her behavior scares her brother). The orphanage & caregivers were nice compared to other stories & pictures we’ve seen. We didn’t see any signs of severe neglect there, though we realize we don’t know the half of it.

We’ve worked hard for the 1-1/2 years we’ve been home w/ them to try & do everything “right.” We have a consistent schedule, lots & lots of time spent reading & playing, & we give them loads of hugs, kisses, eye contact, touch & attention – w/ a real consciousness to the idea of not playing favorites.

We honestly give them 100% of our attention 80% of their waking hrs. We each take one child alone for a bit on the weekends. I stay home as much as possible w/ them, working just 3 days per week. The times I’m working they are w/ their aunt in her home.

Our daughter doesn’t display many of the typical attachment disorder symptoms. She holds babies, loves animals, lets us snuggle her (in fact she demands this a lot more than our son, though it is usually on her terms & sometimes for unreasonable lengths of time). She says “I love you” unprovoked & really enjoys playing w/ other family members. The quickness & degree of anger, moodiness & stamina during outbursts is our major concerns. These are not your typical “terrible twos temper tantrums.”

So… what can we do to try & help our daughter w/ her anger & unreasonable demands? We’ve done time outs for a year when her hitting or screaming becomes unbearable. She used to sit in the same room w/ us, but lately we need to put her in her room for everyone’s sake. Now she throws things & hits walls & doors.

When we wait it out, the behavior will last 1-2 hrs. This may be wrong, but we often wait it out. We don’t want to have her controlling all of our lives & we keep thinking she’ll realize that nice behavior will get her farther in life than fits of rage – but it hasn’t been working. Before we see a therapist, do you have any tips for what we do???

Thank you so much for your help,
Dawn & Kurt

[MAG]

Hi - sounds like you have your hands full. I am no expert by any means - but have you ever thought of her as being just a very strong willed child. There are many books on the subject - I've heard many praise the book "you can't make me". I've started reading it (only through a few chapters) - but it makes a lot of sense. there is also a lot of web/chat sites for dealing with a strong willed child.
There is so much information on this subject, it has helped us, just the way we deal with it and work things through. they have a very different mind set - I've taken some of their advise and I have to tell you that it really works.
take care and let us know how things are going - give examples of what she is doing - maybe you'll get more response.

[kamamsm]

These are rages. Please contact an attachment counselor. I don't have a child who rages but I've heard enough to know it can & usually does get worse without intervention. Good luck.