[lisah32]

We have an almost 8 year old son, 4 1/2 year old son and 2 year old daughter. We're looking at a little girl who's 10 and in foster care. I think if we were to adopt a son older than our oldest it would hurt, but do you think it would disrupt to adopt a girl?

Lisa

[echaos]

Have you asked him his opinion?

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi Lisa,

My kids were 15 and 18 when we began to do foster care. They are both boys and said they wanted to remain the oldest.

I have also read many posts on here that say you shouldn't adopt children older than your youngest (unless, of course, your youngest is VERY young).

Best of luck.

Michelle

[Lorraine123]

I know many families have adopted out of birth order and done so very successfully. So I speak only for myself and my experience.

If my daughter had not been the youngest when added to my family, I don't know if I could have done it. She required such an extreme amount of my time and energy that there was little left for the others.

On top of that, you must remember that children in foster care are there for a reason. Their experiences are not the same as ours. My daughter, at 8, is more worldly and steet smart than my oldest son, at 16. She has taught them a few things.

I would research her background carefully prior to placement.

[ellyn]

I am finalizing with a 10 year old girl later this month. I have an 8 year old bio daughter. Both girls are adjusting well, some sibling rivalry but nothing out of the ordinary. The 10 year old was the oldest in a foster home with younger kids and wanted to be placed with younger kids. My 8 year old wanted an older sister.

[ztalrc]

mine were out of order, but from the way you see them act, it didn't bother them a bit. Foster kids change birth order when they get into your lives, but it is a neat thing!!

[CalandraLark]

As someone who's done a lot of research on birth order books, I think the biggest issue to remember is that children keep their birth order even if you disrupt it. Meaning, if they were first born for the first four-five years of life or more, don't expecte them to act like a middle just because you added a kid that's older, because there can be naturallly accuring first born sons and first born daughters in a bio family, if you are adoption a child older that another child, the transition is much easier if they are the opposite sex. It's the same way with adding younger children, last born children often feel much beter about "being replaced" as the youngest if the little on is a different gender.

It's not beyond the most horrible thing you can do to your kids to disrupt their birth order, but don't go into it without the proper knowledge of the problems it will sometimes generate even if they adore each other, that way you can be really prepared to be a parent that's attentive to the little currents in your kids.

Also remember if you're adopting an older child, they have a birth order too and it might not be order they are going to be in your family. A foster kid of ten could have grown up with older foster sibs and may not be as ready to take over the oldest kid role as you expect.

Being patient, fully aware, and flexible are the most important thing with mixed birth order families