[nancynic]

Hi,

I am the new Parent Forum Moderator and I am so happy to be here!

I have taught parenting classes at businesses including: Nike Corp, Timberland World Headquarters, Public Service of New Hampshire and the University of New Hampshire. I also develop and teach courses for Adoptive and Foster parents for the College for Lifelong Learning and am currently teaching an online course on Infant and Toddler Development.

I am the mother of two sons - one of whom just graduated from Northeastern University in Boston (at the Fleet Center!) and another who is a senior at Roger Williams Univeristy in Bristol, Rhode Island (by the sea). My sons have taught me a lot about parenting and about life ~

I am the younger daughter ... I have an older brother, but our roles in our family were reversed because my brother was epileptic, so I actually took on the role of the older sister (being his caretaker and super responsible)!

It's fun to know about birth order as it affects us and our children.

Here are a few facts about birth order ...
Only children may become particularly resourceful because they spend more time alone. They also get along very well with adults.
Oldest children may develop a strong sense of responsibility.
Second children often learn to be cooperative and sociable.
Middle children may be concerned with fairness.
Youngest children can benefit from the sense of security that comes from having other family members for emotional and physical support. They learn how to relate with and influence others.

Heredity, family atmosphere and values, role models, methods of parenting, and position in family influence who children think they are and how they get along in the world.

So, do your children fit in this model? How do you see it played out? What's your birth order? and that of your partner?

NancyNic

[mina2u]

I have 2 girls. One is 16, and the other is 10. My oldest behaves like both the only child and the oldest child. My youngest behaves like the middle child (I don't understand why) and like the youngest.
I am a clasic middle child. I had middle child syndrome big time!

[jleasterday]

I am at the waiting part of adoption but I would like to share my birth order. I am the 3rd of 4 girls. The oldest is the one with the plan. The 2nd oldest is the laid back one. I am the sensitive one and the classic middle child, and the youngest is the creative and witty one. My dh is the oldest and he has always felt and is very responible. He has said sometimes he feels like his younger brother and sister's parent. thanks!

Jennifer

[Michelle 053002]

about our daughter's birth order. In her Bfamily she is 5th child. Our family she only child so far. My become older child in future. Where does this leave her?

[nancynic]

Hi ~

What a good question. I would venture to say it depends on how long your daughter has been with you. She would bring the traits of her position in her birth family with her, but then, being the only child, may take on the characteristics of the only child. When she has a younger sibling she will eventually become more like the oldest.

This is conjecture ... and I could be way off base. I hope you'll keep us up to date with how it all works out!

Nancy

[Michelle 053002]

hi Nancy,

We brought our daughter home from the hospitial at 3 days.

[nancynic]

Hi ~

three days! that's fabulous!

how old is she now? and what qualities does she have?
do you think she's got the characteristics of an only child?

she may be too young to tell ...

let us know,

thanks everyone for your posts - what fun!

Nancy

[mckenna]

that is a very good point. my son is the middle child in his birth family, he was the only child in our house, we currently are fostering is bio younger half sib but she will be leaving late winter or early spring. where does that leave my son, i hope not a confused mess???

[MkMw]

Hi Nancy -

My husband & I are both classic oldest children.

We have twin sons adopted at birth - how does being a twin (or higher order multiple) affect birth order traits?

[Michelle 053002]

daughter is now 17 months old and acts like a good combo of both families. We often joke how she has my temper and my husband's stubbornish and has to show off for people like his dad, my mom's nature grace ( or lack there of) So far we haven't seen anyhting that we can't put to someone in our family.

She is very independent and can(if she wants to) entertain herself. She gets along with both adults and children. Prefers boys, but is every bit a "girly girl"- dresses, dolls, and pretend make up.

[nancynic]

Hi Michelle,

According to Rober Needlman, MD 'when it comes to birth order, twins are in a special situation. On the one hand, they are spared the tension that is inevitable between siblings. There is no older child to feel angry at being displaced from the special 'baby' position. And there is no younger sibling to feel slower, weaker, less clever and therefore has to work harder. So twin relationships are often close and harmonious.

However, twins are always the same age and very similar in appearance so there are comparisons...in an effort to distinguish one from the other, parents may focus on differences and assign them niches in the family. One might become known as 'the athletic one' while the other becomes 'the intellectual one'. Labels and comparisons force a child to accept (and be limited by) them or to fight against them.

Twins are born team players who share challenges. They learn from eachother's successes and mistakes and sharpen their social skills.

Birth order can still exert a subtle influence if it becomes incorporated into the family mythology ... 'he's been the first to do everything ever since he was born'. The ways in which a family defines itself can have a powerful influence on behavior and perception.

Have you found this to be true?

Nancy

[nancynic]

Hi`

Hopefully that leaves your son with the attributes of an only child who knows how to be flexible, loving and can share!

Nancy

[HappyMomAnna]

As a child I was the oldest of three and the only girl.....

As a young woman I dated and married (twice) a man who was the youngest and who had a big sister.

As a mother the first time i had a boy and a year later a girl....there was part of me that had empathy for my son being denied all of my attention for the sake of a baby sister...but because she was a girl I had empathy to her sitaution.

I think birth order makes a major difference in how we live our lives....I cannot imagine being the wife of my brother-in-law the oldest too...I think we would have power struggles all the time. But, baby brothers are so willing to deal with the sister/mommy side of me...... not to say I am married to a whimp or anything he is just used to the rantings of a woman having indured that big sister of his.

I see this pattern playing out with my older children as well. My son seems to be attracted to little sisters and my daughter seems to date big brothers.

[nancynic]

Hi Anna,

I agree that birth order can have an effect on families ... thanks for your examples!

Nancy

[MkMw]

Nancy –

I have found some of this to be true, even at their young age, (they are fraternal). The boys have the same coloring, and while they are the same size, James LOOKS considerably bigger – people are always surprised that he is only ½ inch taller and 1.25 pounds heavier. Because of this people ALWAYS ask if he is the older one, then knowingly smile and say “I thought so” and “you can tell”. I’m often tempted to say no just to get their reaction!

James did reach most of the early “milestones” about a week before Andrew – but both the OB and their first Ped. Believe that is because James was conceived a week before Andrew (rare, but in this case a distinct possibility). James reaches most of the “gross motor skill” milestones first, but Andrew reaches the “fine mother skills” first. I guess, yes, our family does make some distinctions between them because their personalities are so different. – And in our case, since they are both BRILLIANT, we are guessing their differences will be more along the athletic/artistic lines.

As far as close and harmonious – they do “share” fairly well for their age – unless they are very tired, for example James tends to be more snuggly in the morning, and Andrew in the afternoon. They rarely try to usurp each other’s lap time.

Anyway – we are trying not to “pigeon hole” them or allow others too, I think you absolutely right that others more quickly look for their differences than they would if they were 1 year or more apart.

Michelle

Ana - It's funny you mention that - it was one my MIL's concerns when we got married that both Matt & I were oldest children!

We've had no problems though