[kllee4]

My husband and I began our family rather early (not our plan but definitely God's plan). I think that in the back of our minds being so young, as well as being AA, there is a major stereotype about AA boys in our country. The way they are portrayed in the media and in society in general. It was very important to us to raise our sons to be respectful, loving, courteous and for them to always do their best. For us it was simply easier to lead by example as someone else stated. Also, we have had to parent all of our children differently. What works for one may not work for the next and so on.

Their ages range from 14 to 8 and they are very close. My oldest attends an all-boys Catholic high school (his choice) and the other three atten a Catholic elem. school. I am always caught in the hall by their teachers, commenting on how much they love educating my sons. I adore it. It has definitely been a lot of work and when they were little, they really tore up the house. We literally didn't have any towel or toilet tissue racks up in the bathrooms since they seemd to try to swing on them and pull them out of the wall!!!!!!!

As an educator, I have noticed differences between boys and girls. Since we are officially waiting to be matched with a baby girl, I look forward to the experience. Will she become a tomboy due to her brothers' influences or will her personality be a mixture of nature or nurture. I'm curious to find out and am keeping a journal of our adoption experience as well as the experience of raising the boys to share with them when they are older.

Thanks for letting me share. kllee

[LoveRiddenDad]

It really does depend on the child's personality; I agree with the other posters!

C is an Irish blooded smart*ss.

L's very chilled out, but tends to neglect situations.

A.N. is incredibly short-tempered.

A.E. just lies there like a lump at a month and a half.

We try having a system of calm and honesty in our house, and to some degree, accepting their personalities and quirks. A few rules that help in our house though:

1) No one can say worry, nervous, or stressed. (Not even the parents!)
2) No one is allowed to call anyone stupid.
3) No one is allowed to yell and if they do, they will be prompted that yelling is dumb and we don't deal with dumb behavior.

[maxkinzie]

...but it's something I've been thinking about as DD is learning to be more independent.

DH works 50-60+ hrs a week, so he's not actually around a lot. At 15 months she just thinks he is the cat's meow

Pre-placement DH and I talked at length about what we would do right with our child. For example, no more dinners in front of the tv, please, thankyou etc. Sounded good. I'm still with it but he loves his tv with dinner, (he's got so much stuff on the kitchen table we couldn't eat there if he wanted). Burping and other such noises were to be toned way down...not yet. I'm thinking if not now, when? She is already the great imitator, I don't want to be telling her that daddy shouldn't be doing that, that he's wrong, and zero consequenses for him, make sense?

So my question is, if one parent does lead by good example most of the time, and the other doesn't, how much can his behavior affect her in the big picture? I'm tempted to totally get on him about this, more than I have, I'll do it in her interest if necessary

don't get me wrong, he loves her to the ends of the earth, and has best intentions, but it seems a lot of what would make a well mannered DD get lost in "being tired after work (and he IS)

Thank You !

[top_class]

Originally Posted by jl cauling

Ok, I know you are out there. You're a mom and you have a well behaved child. Please share your secrets with us! Tell us how you did it!

I'm probably gonna get yelled at from every corner but for my kids what worked was spanking

I'm aware many of you are against this which is your decision which i respect, however i am simply telling you what has worked.

Spanking is not always used, the method i use for younger children (up to 6) is put a child in time out, if they move simply put them back with the warning 'if you move again you'll get a spanking' and if they move again before they are allowed to then they get spanked.

The spanking is never particularly hard, just enough to let them know they have done wrong. It is rare that the spanking ever happens because they know that it's not pleasant.

If it ever gets to that point though i'll take them over my knee and swat them a couple of times with a wooden spoon.

Trust me people it really does work!

[dadfor2]

its funny, every once in a while i look at my kids and think, "hmmm what if i just gave them a big swat on the behind, wonder if that will work"...

but then i get this vision of when i brought the kids to mcdonalds and there was this little boy there, he was playing with all the other kids on that jungle gym thing. well, it kept hitting all the kids.

if a kid was in his way, he would just punch him, push him, slap him, it was like this automatic thing.

so all of us parents was just watching it, then his mother got up, took him off the swing, then hit his bottom and said "dont do that"

well, the child went back on the jungle gym and was hitting the kids agailn, then the mother did the same thing....

and i sat there and thought....now i know one of the reasons why its not that great to spank the kid, kids learn from us and if its ok for us to hit then why shouldnt it be ok for them to hit.

durrrrrrr...well, how could anyone get angry at a child that is hitting, while they are hitting the children...

so, though i would love to give my kids a good smack once in a while...i do refrain when i think of that boy at the jungle gym, who by all accounts was just repeatinng what mom did to him.

and isnt that what we want for all our kids, to learn what is appropriate behavior and what it isnt, and we have to model that behavior so that maybe they can 'get it'

obviously im not addressing the children who were adopted from the foster care system that came with abuse issues. One little 'raise hand' can have them disassociate.

anyway, thats my take...never ever spank a child from the foster care system. as for birth kids, well, after watching that boy, i mind up my mind why it really isnt the best thing choice of punishment/consequence.

[michellemartin]

Spanking... eek! I have spanked Karma though. Twice. Both times she was spanked were because she was doing something that could have put her in great danger of physical injury, so I felt spanking in those two situations were appropriate. Course, she did get warnings before the spanking and time out's before the spanking and just was not understanding that what she was doing could hurt her. When I spanked her (albiet, not very hard) she got it that what she was doing could end up hurting her.

Mostly, we have done time outs. And then we talk about what she did, why it wasn't okay, and what to do next time.

[dadfor2]

i guess it depends on the age. of course i have kids who were abused, so spanking is something that we can NOT do.

i actually dont see anything wrong when a child (1-3 yrs old) decides to go by the stove and mom/dad takes their hand and slaps it and says 'NO, HOT"

i think when they are young, we should actually install some conseaquence that they might understand.

so, pending on age and what is going on.

but then again, there are those days when i just.... well, i think we made it through the years without the spankings, know they know right from wrong, sooooo....there really isnt a reason anymore anyway

[michellemartin]

I think you're right, it does depend on age. If Karma were now to do something that put herself in physical danger I'd discuss it with her rather than spanking her. Both of those occasions were when she was under three.

I honestly dont think the way we disipline kids is what causes them to be "well behaved". I think consistancy is what causes better behavior because they know what to expect from us and what we expect of them.

[Bassette]

Ok, I'm about to respond to a post from 2003. *LOL*

I choose to talk with my children as my main form of discipline. I have been sitting my toddler on my knee since he was just a wee babe to discuss what is appropriate behavior. He may not understand my words but he *gets it*. Yesterday I picked him up from school and the teachers shared that he had hugged a little girl and said "be nice" after she kicked him. Yep. He *gets it*.

I will now admit that we are going through Kiran's version of the terrible twos. We have our moments, but in comparison to many other two year olds he is so laid back and easy going. My easy child, that's for sure. *hehe*

[corhen]

I am a behavior specialist for 4 schools. For children 2-12, I recommend looking at 1-2-3 Magic. It really works.

I really think though the most important thing is consistency.

By the way, I have 2 21 month old children, and we still have very bad moments. It happens to everyone. There is no answer, especially in the grocery store with everyone watching.

You don't have to be a perfect parent, you just have to be good enough.

[AudreyE]

I have a 10 year old with several learning and emotional disabilities who requires special schooling and medication. I have a 9 year old with ADHD who can't get through a school day without medication. And I have an energetic 7 year old.

How do I get them to behave? I expect it. And if I don't get it, I follow through with consequences.

An example: My kids have been getting complements in restaurants since they were 2. The reason is, we made it clear early that if they don't behave, we will leave. Then we do.

It's all about discipline and consequences. They aren't the best-behaved children in the world, certainly. But they are the best-behaved they can be... because I have let them know that's how it must be.

Audrey