[Navy_RP_Wife]

I have posted before asking for help disiplining my 4 year old foster son, but here I am again looking for advice. Just a quick background, we have had B and his sister, M, since November and this is the 2nd time they have been in foster care and when we got them they had been in care for 6 months. Prior to being put into foster care for the first time, DHS stepped in twice and did in home counseling and classes for the parents. Dad is in jail for money laundrying/durgs. Mom is addicted to ice and alcohol. She is a prostitute who brought her customers home around the kids, left them alone to go clubbing, neglected them when she was home, etc etc etc etc etc M is very parentified and there is suspision that they have been molested. M, at almost 7 is very smart and vocal and talks pretty well about how she is feeling. She has some minor behavior issues, but are managable. B, on the other hand is enough to challenge the patience of a saint! Unfortunately, patience doesn't seem to be a virtue DH and I got alot of. Both kids grew up with no guidelines, no one to care if they were doing something to hurt themselves and all of that. M, she likes having rules and knowing exactly what is expected of her. There is a strong sense that B was exposed in utero to Ice and for sure cigarette smoke. Several docs have said he is showing all symptoms of ADHD. He is described as marching to the beat of his own drum and its not one anyone else has, lol! He knows the rules and proceeds to break them because "I want to" as he tells us. Such as running in the house or jumping on the furniture, things where he can get hurt. He doesn't listen to most things that are said to him or asked of him. When correcting his behavior or just talking to him in general, he flies so far out into left field we literally have to holler his name to get his attention back.

We strongly believe that he has a form of attachment disorder and have been able to rule out RAD as well as ODD. He literally just seems like he doesn't care about anything or anyone. Except his sister whom he kinda sees as mom. He doesn't throw temper tantrums or mouths off to us, or anything like that. It is just constantly not following the rules and he knows the rules. When we catch him doing something wrong, we ask him what he is doing wrong and he can tell us what he did. We have tried time outs, grounding him to the house, making him sit, making him hold our pockets as a time out, over correction, etc etc Nothing seems to get through to this child. We qualified for difficulty of care payments for his behavior and we are getting the maximum amount because he requires an additional 40 hours of care a week, they say. It is just constant with this child. Funny thing is he is so sweet and affectionate to us, giving us hugs, telling us he loves us and all that. Things he doesn't do to his bio mom.

Now it looks like their case is going to TPR and we are wanting to adopt them, nothing is going to change that. However, we want him to succeed in life and to do that he needs to learn to make good choices not bad ones. His doctors, at best, are reluctant to prescribe medication, but something has to give here. We know that it takes time and he has gotten better while in our care but most days it feels like 2 steps forward 5 back with him. Any ideas, books, anything would be greatly appreciated!

[qs mom]

I'm kind of at in a similar situation with my son. He must be supervised at all times. Sometimes holding him and rocking him helps. Just being so close to me physically and talking to him about how much I love him really helps sometimes.

Another thing, and it's going to sound crazy - but let him get hurt. I realized that my son truly didn't understand that he could be hurt, he climbed everything before and never got hurt. One day, I was tired of telling NOT to do something, I was tired of him telling me NO I WON't when I told him he'd get hurt. So, I let him go. He fell, bruised himself a little, no worse for wear. BUT now he knows he could hurt himself and doesnt do these things as often.

[bromanchik]

Do you know if she drank while pregnant with him. Not all kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Fetal Alcohol Effect have the physical manifestations. The main reason I ask that is because disciplining kids with FAS/FAE is a vastly different. Kids with these syndromes do not understand consequences. You could let him get hurt over and over and he would never make the connection.

[Navy_RP_Wife]

We believe that it is safe to say that all of the things that you are not suppose to do while pregnant this mother probably did. But she is not going to admit she has done anything wrong so that we can get the appropiate help for him. She just doesn't get that she has done anything wrong. The SW was here on Friday and within the next 2 months she will be filing the TPR papers as she is moving off island. Providing she can not get everything in order before she leaves, she will be leaving her recommendations for the new worker, and the GAL and therapist are in complete agreement with this decision. Mom's psych eval was just horrible I guess and it was enough to make the decision to persue the TPR. I do know mom has bipolar disorder, but I have not researched it to see if B possibly has the childhood form of this. I love this kid to death but some days, I feel like I am the crazy one!

[lucyjoy]

I would suggest Parenting With Love and Logic(there is one for kids birth to 6 that is good as well from the same series but the name escapes me at the moment)Jim Faye and Foster Cline series.

I would also recommend reading When Love is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas.

With the background you describe, I would want to work with an attachment therapist. He likely has lots of preverbal trauma issues that need to be addressed. He can't tell you what's wrong because he didn't have the words to understand what was happening to him. Also, AD kids have impaired cause and effect thinking and don't learn well from their mistakes so they don't get the relationship between consequences and actions.

[jessc098]

Someone insightfully told us before we brought home our seven year old daugher that all the "house rules" would likely be too much for her to know and she'd get frustrated trying to learn them and give up.

We told her when we brought her home that the three rules (at our house, at grandma's and at school) were the same everywhere--she had to be:
1. Be Respectful
2. Be Responsible
3. Be Fun to Be Around.

It took quite a few weeks to teach those. We had to first define respectful and responsible (hey--D, that wasn't very respectful behavior was it?). Later we moved into "I think you're breaking one of the rules--which one do you think it is?". The last stage was to write the "house rules" once and then right the sentence for the rule she was breaking ten times. (i.e. "I will be responsible").

This has helped a lot. We added ten smaller rules (with her help). "Hey D--let's write the little rules on a poster for your room--what do you think they are?" 1. Don't jump on furniture. 2. Use respectful words, etc. She came up with almost all of them by herself after six weeks.

Just having three rules seemed to help a LOT. We started with more than that initally, thinking she was seven, she'd be able to learn fast, but I think there was too much "noise" in her mind to learn all our rules, so we instituted the "Big 3" in the first couple weeks.

[atouchofheaven]

Navy Wife,
The best book I've ever read (and I've read a lot) for managing adopted kids is called, "The Connected Child" and can be found at your local bookstore. It gives very practical advice and specific senarios and how best to handle them. Disciplining an adopted child, especially one who may have impairments and who has been severely abused or neglected, is much much different than disciplining a biological child who has always felt connected to his/her family. This book explains why and how to best connect with your adopted or foster child and how to reteach proper bonding and basic social skills. Anyway, I highly recommend it. Good luck to you!

[linda512]

If he really has ADHD, no discipline attempts will work- he CAN'T regulate himself. I would suggest getting him evaluated and think about medication. I am speaking based on experience with my nephew who started meds young for ADHD and as a pediatrician.
Good luck!