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  #1  
Old 03-14-2012, 03:42 PM
greenbottles greenbottles is offline
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Facebook - that's it

I'm hoping to connect with other first mother's in reunion who only have a Facebook connection with their adopted adult children.

My daughter never replies to my emails or Facebook messages but I do know that she really wants to be my Facebook friend - so I'm assuming she likes to look at my photos etc.

I have heard there are other first mothers out there in a similar situation. Kind of in reunion limbo due to Facebook.

I'd like to know how other first mothers cope with this situation.
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  #2  
Old 03-15-2012, 07:33 PM
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Gwen72 Gwen72 is offline
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So far, my 20 year old son and I have talked on the phone once and chatted on fb several times. He takes weeks to respond to me when I send him a message if he responds at all. When we first reconnected he said he wanted to come meet me as soon as possible. However, I have invited him to my home a few times and I have offered to come to his hometown to see him. He always says he is too busy to come to me or have me come to him. He has a friend who he went to high school with that moved to my state recently. She lives about 2 hours north of me. He has gone to visit her twice that I know of. He had to drive right through my town to get to her. I saw them making arrangements on his fb wall for him to come visit her. He never said a word to me about it. I have never brought it up that I know either. We will have been reconnected for a year on May 25th. I know he likes looking at my pictures because he talks about how much we look alike and how cute my son that I am raising is. It is very hard but I hang in there and take it one day at a time.
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  #3  
Old 03-16-2012, 12:33 PM
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JustPeachy JustPeachy is offline
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Neither my son nor I use FB, so this has not been an issue for us. My son won't always respond to emails, but usually does. He seems to do better with text, but I have to almost always initiate phone calls with him. I usually don't mind doing this, though sometimes I wish he would initiate more. He did get excited about playing games with me online (something he initiated) and seems to respond to that very enthusiastically. It's been a cool way for us to connect.

How is your daughter on the phone, GB?
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  #4  
Old 03-18-2012, 03:28 PM
greenbottles greenbottles is offline
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Gwen, We are in very similar situations. Over a year ago my daughter promised a visit and pulled out and then promised again and it didn't happen. BUT she has a friend who lives 20 mins drive away that she visits regularly and it really shocked me because they have visited my town - I recognised landmarks of my town in the photos she took and put on FB. I said nothing but it REALLY hurt plus it also made me annoyed that I could bump into her while I was say shopping in my town. And I have always been happy in the past knowing that that would never happen.
She has not replied to my messages for 12 months.
Just peachy, I did call her last year and the phone call was good. She said she was very happy, had a great life and was very lucky to be adopted.
I'm at the stage where it's enough for me to know that she's happy, loved and has a great life.

Last edited by greenbottles : 03-18-2012 at 03:32 PM.
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  #5  
Old 03-18-2012, 03:50 PM
browneyes0707 browneyes0707 is offline
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I had Facebook until my DD left the site about six months ago. She has replied to my e-mails a few times but nothing really more than "I'm really busy, I'll write you soon." She did pull out of a visit arranged by her mother before we had contact, and there's been no talk of rescheduling that in the future. It's been about a year and a half since we first started contact via FB.

I did go through a phase where I was upset, where I felt disheartened and sad that we were stuck in limbo, but I've come to terms with it over the past few months. She's turning 20, she's in college, she's happy, I can appreciate the fact that at that age having a close relationship with me doesn't take priority. She has said that she isn't good with writing and that she loves hearing from me, I can't really take it personally if that's how she feels. She did remember my birthday, and I last heard from her on Christmas Day, so I truly believe she is interested, just wants to take a passive role in this right now. I just try to write her regularly, and hope that I get a response, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not disappointed when my mailbox betrays me
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  #6  
Old 03-18-2012, 04:12 PM
greenbottles greenbottles is offline
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I would also describe my daughter as having a passive role. Interesting how so many young adoptees pull out of reunion visits. I can understand this as I feel overwhelmed myself so I've not pushed for visits.
I wonder how she felt and what she was thinking when she visited my town. I also wonder if she drove past my home.
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  #7  
Old 09-01-2012, 07:11 AM
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joan1be joan1be is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gwen72
So far, my 20 year old son and I have talked on the phone once and chatted on fb several times. He takes weeks to respond to me when I send him a message if he responds at all. When we first reconnected he said he wanted to come meet me as soon as possible. However, I have invited him to my home a few times and I have offered to come to his hometown to see him. He always says he is too busy to come to me or have me come to him. He has a friend who he went to high school with that moved to my state recently. She lives about 2 hours north of me. He has gone to visit her twice that I know of. He had to drive right through my town to get to her. I saw them making arrangements on his fb wall for him to come visit her. He never said a word to me about it. I have never brought it up that I know either. We will have been reconnected for a year on May 25th. I know he likes looking at my pictures because he talks about how much we look alike and how cute my son that I am raising is. It is very hard but I hang in there and take it one day at a time.
Hi, I read your message about trying to meet. I suggest to my members when they find, to meet at a restaurant for a first time. Its neutral ground for everyone. Try suggesting that. vs a home. Maybe once you do share a meal and speak and be in a neutral place, plan to walk around a Garden or zoo. Again, neutral place till you feel that someones home. See if that can help make that first meeting happen.
sincerely, Joan of theregistry and nyadoptees.com
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  #8  
Old 05-14-2013, 09:23 PM
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BirthDad1991 BirthDad1991 is offline
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Daughter found on Facebook - no contact has been made

greenbottles, not sure how things are still going for you and your daughter now, but I just came across your post. I hope you don't mind a birthfather weighing in on your topic.

Many years ago, someone from the adoption agency "accidentally" slipped a piece of paper into one of the letters from the adoptive parents that I received. In the semi-open adoption that I was a part of, the agency acted as the middleman with all correspondence between myself and my daughter and her parents. The piece of paper contained her true last name, but I could never really be sure so I just held on to it and forgot about it for a while.

In 2008, I came across that same piece of paper and within about 5 minutes, located my daughter on Facebook. She was easy to find, as she looked so much like her birthmother.

Since that time, I have "watched" her graduate from high school, and earlier this month witnessed her graduate from college. The only thing I can see is when her profile picture changes. I'm afraid to contact her through FB. I have sent her MANY letters over the years, but have never once received a response directly from her. The last letter I received from her parents said that she never expressed much interest in learning about her birthparents, and they are saving the letters for her until she asks for them. Not sure how much I believe of that, but what else do I have to go on? I have to conclude that she is not interested at this time.

I wish sometimes that I had never received that piece of paper. I feel powerless to not check in on her via FB, and I hate myself at the same time for invading her privacy. I never asked for this information, FB profile pictures are in the public domain, yadda yadda, but it is invasive and it is spying... It's also a reminder of everything she does not want me to be a part of in her life. I have replaced the shame of giving her up for adoption with the shame of ignoring her privacy.

I wish I was strong enough to just let it go, and stop paying attention to her on FB.
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  #9  
Old 05-15-2013, 03:21 PM
greenbottles greenbottles is offline
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Sadly nothing has changed. I no longer look at her Facebook. I'm moving forward with my life knowing she's never going to be in it. It does make me sad but at least I have certainty.
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  #10  
Old 05-16-2013, 11:54 AM
L4R L4R is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirthDad1991

The last letter I received from her parents said that she never expressed much interest in learning about her birthparents, and they are saving the letters for her until she asks for them. Not sure how much I believe of that, but what else do I have to go on? I have to conclude that she is not interested at this time.

It sounds to me like she's never read any of your letters. Her parents have been the gatekeepers. (Just because an adoptee doesn't say anything about it, doesn't mean that we aren't actually interested in knowing about our parentage and roots.)

Many adoptees feel uncomfortable talking with their parents about their b-families because we can tell that it makes our parents uncomfortable.

I don't know if your daughter has any interest in knowing you or not. But, she's an adult now. You don't need her parents' permission to contact her.
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  #11  
Old 05-26-2013, 10:25 PM
ULTREA ULTREA is offline
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Torture by Facebook

[quote=BirthDad1991]
Since that time, I have "watched" her graduate from high school, and earlier this month witnessed her graduate from college. The only thing I can see is when her profile picture changes. I'm afraid to contact her through FB. I have sent her MANY letters over the years, but have never once received a response directly from her. The last letter I received from her parents said that she never expressed much interest in learning about her birthparents, and they are saving the letters for her until she asks for them. Not sure how much I believe of that, but what else do I have to go on? I have to conclude that she is not interested at this time.

BirthDad1991 My heart goes out to you but I need to say that you are beating yourself up unnecessarily about this. It is totally fine to look at her profile page. The way I see it is you do have a few choices though - you can continue to check her Facebook until she gets a bit older and perhaps leaves the adoptive family home for good, or take the direct approach now and write her an email message through her Facebook page - bearing in mind it is not guaranteed she will read the email this way as it may not be linked up with their regular email so she may miss it. She is an adult now so forget the adoptive parents they have had their chance to give her your letters - they have been obstructive in my opinion.

My birth daughter is 33 and we have been in reunion for over 2 years - met over 12 months ago and she has just moved interstate and now suddenly posts things for public display on her Facebook page when previously all her stuff was friends only. I am not a friend so I can’t help thinking it is a way for her to show me what she is doing while not really "letting me in" by sending me a friend request. I’m not quite sure if this is a well meaning gesture or not but I’m aware of the psychology of it and try not to take it personally. I mention this because she is much older than your daughter yet emotionally reunion brings things up emotionally at any age. You are assuming your daughter does not want contact but she hasn’t said so directly. As birth parents I think this is something we all do. We feel guilty and expect rejection. You have written her many letters which is very commendable, there are many adoptees out there who would love their birth father to be so open and interested. I hope you kept copies? I’m sure she would love to read them when the time is right. I have come around to thinking that birth parents can be a positive influence and support in our children’s lives. We are the bio-logical link. My suggestion is - be up front and let her know you are interested and would like to be in her life, take the step and contact her directly and find out where you stand. Good luck.. remember she is lucky to have you – actually she wouldn’t even be here without you.
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  #12  
Old 05-27-2013, 07:03 PM
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BirthDad1991 BirthDad1991 is offline
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Thank you both to L4R and ULTREA - the common theme being that I need to identify w/ my daughter as an adult and not under the eternal wing of her parents.

I have really needed some feedback in my corner this Spring, and I really appreciate it.

I think 25 sounds like a good year to make contact, if I have not heard from her beforehand. It makes sense for her to wait until she is established. I have a cousin that was adopted, took a long time to get through veternary school, and wanted to be well established before she made contact with her birthmom.
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  #13  
Old 05-27-2013, 09:32 PM
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kakuehl kakuehl is offline
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I found my bson through this site when he was 32. Our reunion has gone very well but D commented early on that had it occurred when he was 18 or even 25, it would not have been as positive. I think what's important is being ready for the "right" time. The question always is "When does no mean never and when does no really mean not now?"
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  #14  
Old 05-27-2013, 10:24 PM
ULTREA ULTREA is offline
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You're very welcome BirthDad1991 - you have lots of time to do your research on the Triad situation. I wish I had done some before meeting my daughter, things may have gone differently. There are triggers I should have been aware of and even though my daughter seemed to not have any issues towards me, they were hidden. Being a Birth Dad though you are in a much better position I think. I found that Birth Mum takes the brunt of the "blame" and resentment. Fair enough too I guess. We all hve to be responsible for our own choices in life and move on. Take good care and give yourself a break from Facebook for awhile
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Old 08-18-2013, 12:53 PM
Beth0810 Beth0810 is offline
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As an adult adoptee, I guess I am kind of surprised that a birth parent would ever expect to be a part of their bio child's life? This seems awfully presumptuous to me. I'm not trying to be mean, but once a child is adopted, is that child not part of another family? I would leave it alone and let the child you gave up have what you wanted- a full and complete life.
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