[JustLooking319]

I'm a newbie and this is my very first post...hope I picked the right forum!

In a nutshell: I am the birthmom and my daughter recently turned 18. It was a mostly closed adoption - my choice. I always knew how to contact the family but I wanted M to grow up in a 'normal' two parent household and not be confused by my presence. If someday she chose to find me, great. If she felt her life was complete as is, that would be fine too.

Anyhow, just scheduled the reunion for next month and am excited, and nervous, and scared and worried and about any other emotion you can think up. My question, to those of you who have been through a reunion (on either side), is what went well with your reunion and what would you change if you could? Were there any surprises (positive or negative) or anything you wish someone had warned you about?

All advice or tidbits are very welcome. I think this could be an immensely positive experience, I just don't want to go in with blinders on if I can help it!

[RavenSong]

JustLooking -- First of all, let me be the first to welcome you to the forums here at adoption.com! There are lots of great members from all three sides of the triad here, and I've made so many friends. I've learned so much from everybody over the past several years, and it really helps to have other people to talk to about this stuff.

I relinquished my son in 1972, shortly after my 17th birthday. We were reunited in 1990, several weeks after he turned 18. Although it was a closed adoption, his parents asked the agency to contact me when he was 13 or 14, so I did have several years to prepare myself for our eventual reunion. We weren't allowed to meet each other until he turned 18, but his mom used to send me packets of pictures a couple times a year; I was also allowed to send him letters once he turned 16, although they were first censored by the agency's postadoptions caseworker, just to be sure I didn't include my last name or address.

The biggest surprise I encountered around the time of our first face-to-face meeting was the very intense emotions and memories that were stirred up in me. I thought I had dealt with most of my grief and other issues by then, so I was surprised to find myself grieving the loss of my baby. My son was no longer a baby; he was a big, strapping young man. And I felt myself grieving the fact that I would never be able to know him as he had been when he was a little boy. I missed the time that I had lost out on after surrendering him.

The other big emotional surprise was the intense anger I felt towards his birth father later that night after our first visit. I had traveled from out of state back to my hometown to meet my son and was staying with my best friend from high school for the week. As I excitedly told Terri all about my evening and showed her photos of my son, I suddenly felt myself reeling with anger at his father. The anger took Terri by surprise, too, I guess because I had been so elated and excited just several minutes before. But suddenly I was just so darn angry at Michael for not fighting harder for both his son and me all those years ago. The anger didn't last long, though. I worked out most of it just through journaling about the whole experience.

I guess my biggest piece of advice is to be prepared to be overcome with emotions and memories that you might have buried long ago.

One mistake I've seen some birth/first mothers make during early reunion is to burden their now-grown children with their own grief and pain. That can make many adopted adults very uncomfortable. I've always figured that my own grief and loss are mine to bear, not my son's. I've told him that I regret that I couldn't find a way to raise him, that I wish things had been different. But that's about as far as I've gone with him during the past 19 years. He knows the logistical reasons he was placed for adoption, but I've never told him about the depths of grief and despair I went through afterwards. Those are the things I talk to my therapist about or my triad-support group or my journal.

It may take a couple visits until your daughter opens up. My son was scared to death, so he ended up bringing his parents to the initial meeting. He didn't talk to me much that first night; he was really shy. But the next day when I picked him up, he was like a different guy. He just chattered and chattered...and it's been like that for the last 19 years, lol.

Take some photos with you, especially those from the time period you became pregnant. I know my son loved seeing how we were almost twins when I was his age. I gave him a photo album with pictures of me and my siblings growing up, my parents, and his birth father. He really enjoyed that!

I seem to remember a lot of light conversations in the beginning, stuff like sharing our favorite colors, music, foods, academic subjects, etc. I always let my son lead the way -- I got really good at gauging his need to know about certain things and what his moods were. I knew if I was telling him too much, too fast, if his eyes started getting that glazed look or if he started fidgeting. We eventually learned to be comfortable with silence in each other's presence, but that did take a while.

Just remember that your daughter is just as nervous as you are right now. Try not to get too "heavy", especially in the beginning. Post-reunion relationships are just like any other relationship you develop in life. They take time, patience, empathy, active listening, and a lot of love. You don't have to do it all in one day...you have a lifetime ahead of you to share with your daughter.

Meanwhile, keep posting here. A lot of us have been exactly where you are right now. We may not have all the answers, but I promise you we're listening...

[shadow riderer]

Hello:

Welcome to the forums. I am an adoptee, who reunited with, both, bio parents. Raven has summed it up well. The only thing I would add is to have a support system in place. The emotions on both sides can be overwhelming to say the least. I would encourage you to find a support group or have a therapist, who has experience with adoption issues, available. Even if you think you don't need the help right now, I would encourage you to have those options ready just in case. You really can't know what will happen, how you will react, or how your daughter will react until, well, you react.

In both my reunions, the issues, and emotions, that came up in all of us were really more than any of us were prepared to deal with. The one thing I wish I had done prior to reunion, was to have a therapis/support group to help me through, keep me grounded in reality, and to give a hug when I needed it.

Best wishes.

[dpen6]

The only thing i would add is to understand that she is only 18, there will be emotions on her side also and many 18 yo don't know how to process them or verbalize them. Heck its hard for many older people let alone a teen ager. She may be feeling intense confusion and fear so like raven said tread lightly for those firstfew visits.

[LasVegasMom]

As usual, Raven summed it up best. Let your daughter be your guide as far as what information to share, and of course what you are comfortable with. I would suggest reading as much as you can, getting support OUTSIDE of your family, and also making sure you have family support as well. You will experience emotions you will not be prepared for but just go with them, it is part of the process. Your reunion will have many ups and downs, be prepared for them, but enjoy it-you will be reuinited with your daughter and that is a beautiful thing! Keep us posted and good luck.

[JustLooking319]

WOW...what a lot to consider. Thank you for your suggestions!!! I really appreciate it.

My family and friends are wonderful, but I think sometimes you just need to touch base with those who've been through the same thing.

Did anyone bring a gift or token to the reunion with you? I have saved all the profiles I read through in searching for the right family for her, I thought I'd give those to her at some point. I also have the 'scrubs' top my mom wore when she was with me in the delivery room. The nurses put her footprints on the pocket after they did her birth certificate. Are these okay to give at the first meeting or is that too much?

[dpen6]

I don't think those tokens are to much at all...in fact I think they are kinda cool!

Adoptees from the closed era will often say they feel likethey fell from the sky.....and that thats pretty much what most peole wanted us to think. To have memento's of our birth andthat we areally are "real."... is a good thing.

Thank you for thinking of how your placed child will feel...I know it can be hard as you get into the whole experiance.

[snuffie]

I would love tokens! My bmom passed away before I found her. But I do have copies of my hospital records and on the day I received them, I finally felt "real". I have read them over and over again. In them I also found that my bmom had actually seen me and held me. And that was so important to me.

I am reunited with my 8 birth siblings. I was so nervous before we met that I didn't eat! I don't recommend that as I almost passed out! My brothers picked me up and hugged me! But they weren't overwhelming - even though there were so many of them. We looked at photo albums for hours. Theirs and mine. It was so much fun. And then they had planned a tour of the city and other things to do. So I sat back and watched them interact. They included me too. And I felt like "one of them".
I declined an offer to stay at one of their homes. I knew I would need some time to myself to take it all in.

I can't think of anything that I would change other than of course having my bmom there.

As for being nervous and all of the other emotions. So normal. I tried to keep so busy beforehand that I didn't have time to think or panic.

Best wishes to you!

Snuffie

[JustLooking319]

Just an update...

The reunion took place recently and I feel so blessed and fortunate that it went so well.

My daughter has grown into a sweet, loving, intelligent & beautiful young woman. I adore her adoptive mother, and was glad to see what a strong relationship the two have forged.

I was able to introduce M to some of the extended family, and everyone is welcoming her with open arms. Everything is going great so far! Thanks for your input and support!

[dumbfounded1]

Here's some advice, go at her speed. I contacted my birthmom 10 years ago or so, and I've been paying a price ever since then. I never know when I am going to receive some erratic and emotional email, phone call, text message, whenever her motherly instinct has gone into overdrive. Believe me when I say, nothing is stranger to a young adult "adoptee" male than riding a rollercoaster ride of uncontrollable emotions because of having an over-interested birthmother.

What began as an innocent pursuit to learn my biological roots has turned into a giant mess...in case you cannot already tell from the tone of my response. I never bargained for having to council my birthmother, or console her when she's crying.

The fact of the matter is, be careful, be very very careful. And this is to all birthmom's reading this. If you know you have emotional problems, or if you know you can be overbearing, strong-willed, stubborn, blinded by emotion, if you know that this is your nature, consider NOT meeting your biological child ever. They don't deserve having to deal with your issues.

I have had to be the bigger person in a constant diplomatic effort to "check-in" during holidays, or special occasions because now, communication is expected, where as before, it was just a welcomed surprise.

I guess at the end of this post, I'd just like to leave with one more point, and that is, just because they are your child by nature, does not mean they were nurtured in any way similar to how you were. Case in point, I am not very much like my birthmother, and I don't understand where she is coming from, never will and frankly do not care to spend the time necessary to fully understand where she is coming from because my goals and ambitions for our relationship have been met, and were met probably after hanging out w. her the 3rd time...

If anyone has anything constructive to add to this, or any suggestions on how to get around a restraining order and get through to a birthmother that won't quit calling, won't quit sending gifts, won't quit contacting my extended family, fiance and friends via facebook, email and snailmail, please by all means respond here, or PM me. Thanks and I apologize if I hijacked this thread in anyway.

I'll also close with this. Because she feels 100% validated to act in her own self-interest because of years of loathsome emotional turmoil from having to give me up 30 years ago, she excuses her own behavior and see's her need to communicate as natural and perfectly acceptable. This is despite the fact that I have been relatively clear that I want our communication to be limited to when I want to talk...By all means let me know if I am at fault or out of line for feeling as though I should be the one who sets the boundaries.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by JustLooking319

The reunion took place recently and I feel so blessed and fortunate that it went so well.

My daughter has grown into a sweet, loving, intelligent & beautiful young woman. I adore her adoptive mother, and was glad to see what a strong relationship the two have forged.

I was able to introduce M to some of the extended family, and everyone is welcoming her with open arms. Everything is going great so far! Thanks for your input and support!

Thank you so much for sharing your update with us! It sounds like you hit it off with your daughter and her mom. That is really awesome!

It always, always helps so much when the aparents are supportive of the reunion, especially if the adoptee is an adolescent or young adult.

It sounds like you're handling things great! I hope you continue posting here and sharing your updates with us.

[dumbfounded1]

This is a response to a member who sent me a PM about my post in this thread, I thought it might be helpful to share it here as well:

I'm glad you found it useful, I guess on one hand I could see how you (or my birthmother) would be just as inexperienced with how to proceed with a reunion as I am, but therein lies a very good point I'd like for you to keep in mind. Do more listening than talking, don't ask prying questions, make it your number one goal to take a long-view approach to your relationship with him...It's up to him to determine or define what the relationship means to him, do not try to dictate what you think it should mean to him, does that make sense?

I would approach the whole thing as a conscientious observer, more than an active participant in conversations and meet-ups. That's all the tough stuff...the good news is, he loves you and cares about you if he talks to you at all...So if he speaks to you, know that he loves you, but do not let that get your hopes up in terms of hearing that from him. If he ever tells you he loves you, well that's a huge bonus, but don't expect it. I recommend also that you do not tell him you love him, because that blures the lines of the friendship, which is what you are hoping to build with him, yes?

A real friendship takes years to develop, especially the older we get, so keep that in mind, do not be in any hurry.

[Jackieself]

Good that you found this site and are able to let out some of your frustration. Setting boundaries is important on all sides of the reunion process. I feel sad for you and your birthmother. Have you tried hiring a counselor that could function as a middle-man? Maybe she would listen a little better to someone else. Sad really, because the more she wants you, the less you want her...

[Drywall]

justlooking...Welcome to the site....the chatroom is open everynite. B-moms, adoptees, and all members of the triad come in almost every nite. Some B-moms are also adoptees and have a wealth of experience to share...come join us...theres a bunch of good people who go there every nite around 10-10:30PM...they are always happy to welcome newbies.

I wish you the best.

[Jillalan]

So pleased for your reunion going well. Hope it continues to grow and be stronger as you get to know one another.