[Amandak249]

Hi all! I wanted to post in these forums, I hope nobody minds, because I wanted some real opinions. Unbiased, opinions from all of you on the other side of the adoption equation.


Many of you know about my story- but essentially I had an almost 10 year reunion with my birthfamily. Mom was mostly out of the picture, and my reunion was mostly with my biodad and his family, including my full sister "E".

I'm not even 22 yet, and so I've known my birthfamily since before I was in middle school! Everything was great until "E" (b sister) hit adolescence. She has a bad relationship with our absent birthmother, and is very territorial of our birthfather (her dad). She is spoiled to the extreme, is given little to no responsibility, and she takes no responsibility for her actions. She did NOT want me around, and made it clear that she not only didn't want a relationship ,but that she wanted me OUT. My birthfathers family (grandma, autns, uncles, etc) taking E's side ( "all adoptions should be closed- its not fair to the raised siblings who now have to shaire their parents",etc). I took this for years, and my bfather made every excuse in the book. He allowed her to treat me like a piece of dirt, and he never once stood up for me. It gets more complicated, of course, but that's the gist. I was angry at the whole situation.

Finaly, when "E" called me and told me that I wasn't "a a part of her family," and that she would "never accept me"- I gave up. I called my biodad, and told him that I needed a break. He got choked up, he cried a little, he pleaded with me not to do it, and then he tried to guilt trip me. He accused me of "not being able to handle the family" as it was. That I was " incapable, and too emotional". I just needed to "ignore all of them." He ended with saying " call me if you ever need anything, I love you I love you." I said " I love you too", and hung up.


I wasn't strong enough. Making that call to end our reunion, or at least halt it, was the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do.

Anyway, to my dilemma. Over the past year, I've hardened myself to the idea of my biofamily. The rationalization that often accompanies loss. I convinced myself(and others helped convince me) that I didn't need them, that they weren't important. I had all I needed with my adoptive family.

And then, school ended. My college courses were done. I handed in all my terms work, and I spent time on these forums. I read the birthparents forum (the adoptee one... I often avoid. Too many words spoken out of hurt.) I saw how many of you on these boards still consider your relinquished children just that- your children. That hit me. I wasn't raised to think that. I was never told that I was my birthparent's child. The only people who ever told me that were my birthparents- and I chalked it up to being biased.


I have not had contact with my biological father, or anyone else in that family(except one half sister who is in her late 20's who has no contact with them either)... and after reading this forum, I've come to think about when I will c all my birthfather again. It won't be this year, or probably the next-nothing will have changed. My sister E will still be at home- I will walk into the same situation. But in 2 more years, E will graduate high school. She will ( I assume?) move out ( I don't think shell go to college). My birthfather and his girlfriend wont have to deal with her craziness anymore- as she can be one troubled individual. My birthfather will no longer have to live with her on a day to day basis, and he will be less responsible for her day to day life. Perhaps(and dare I hope it?) "E" will be more mature.

That is my first opportunity , that I see, to give him a call. I'm not even sure where I will be in 2 years, or where E will be, or where my biodad will be, but it's the first time I could FEASIBLY get back into reunion. And I'll keep it just between he and I. Just between his girlfriend, he and I ( I LOVE his girlfriend. Awesome woman) I will go visit, and if E and the rest of his family want to see me, so be it. If not, they can go fly a kite.


I am afraid to even think about this. I have hurt my biodad so deeply- I could hear it in his voice. I want to call him everyday- but I know that I cannot. I would never toy with his emotions like that. I would never float in and out of his life. I made a decision- a choice- and I'll stick to it. E's graduation from highschool and hopefully independent life gives me a reason to give him a call. I don't want to be wishy washy, and I know that if I returned too soon, before anything will have changed, I'll want to leave soon after. That's not fair to my birthfather.It's not fair to toy with him. I don't want to go back until I am relatively sure I can stay. So I've waited, and I'll continue to wait.

Here's my question:Even though I've left-will he accept me again? He might have gotten over me, and when I call him, what if he says "Sorry,Amanda. You made your choice." (as some adoptees sometimes say to birthparents! ! )

What if he says -"I don't need you in my life if you can't be a constant. I'm sorry. You made your choice."


I made it clear that it was not supposed to be permanent. That it was just not a good time for us (and it wasn't) But do I deserve them anymore? I feel like I've blown my only shot. I feel like I've ruined it (even though everyone tells me its not my fault- that anyone would have felt as I had)

I will call him, or write him, in 2 years time. This time, in 2011. But what if it's too late? What if I'm no longer welcomed? I thought about this before I called him to end our reunion, and I'm still willing to accept it.I
ll always be sad, but I made a choice and I knew the possible consequences.

But I wanted to hear a birth parent's view. I was so hurt by all of them that I walked away, even though it hurt me so badly. I turned around, and I left him. What if, by the time I turn back, he's already long gone.What if he has left me too?

[paigeturner]

Amanda,

I want to reply to this post, but I'm toast tonight. I'm leaving this as a place holder. I will respond in the morning.

[quantum]

((((Amanda))))

From what you tell of your story I more than understand why you've had to take a break from your family. The thing I really admire about you, is the fact that you told your bdad why you were doing this, and made sure that you let him know it wasn't a permanent thing. I guess my biggest fear is that my son will just disappear and I won't know why (if I did something, or just a phase in his life or what).

I also am a bit sad that your bdad tried to guilt trip you about your decision. *sigh*

You seem to have your feet on the ground. You also seem to have a reasonable plan (knowing that your sister can change drastically in how she is over the next couple of years). If I was your bdad (and I'm not, it's just me talking here), I would be thrilled to hear from you again whenever you were ready.

It's tough all this stuff. Personally, I will always welcome my son into my life (unless he did something to hurt my girls, but that's a different issue and hopefully a moot point).

Take care.

[Amandak249]

. You also seem to have a reasonable plan (knowing that your sister can change drastically in how she is over the next couple of years)

Actually, quite the opposite. Knowing "E", I don't think she'll ever change. At least not until she is well into adulthood (if ever!). I don't plan on seeing a difference in her behavior or her attitude towards me in 2 years. She's been doing this sort of thing since she was 14- and she'll be turning 17 this winter. I don't see HER changing in 2 years, I see her situation changing- in the sense that she'll no longer be under daddy's care 24/7. Which will *hopefully* give me the room I need to have a SEPARATE relationship with biodad without "E" having a meltdown.

The problem is that I feel like a "fair weather" birth daughter.I'm game as long as it's fun and happy- but s soon as things turn rough- I'm out the door. Now that the pain and anger has subsided a bit, I am having second thoughts. Not so much on my retreat, as I DEFINITELY needed it. Things are so much better now that I am on a break. But on the repercussions. In the moment- I knew they may never want to hear from me again. I knew it, and I made that last phone call anyway.But now that I'm not so seething, I can imagine that birth dad is angry with me. I backed out after nearly a decade because I couldn't handle it. I just don't imagine that he'd still want to deal with me. Because in that family I am feel like I am just that- something to be dealt with- hid away- or ignored. Bio dad and his family are very wealthy- the Southern-baptist-White-Anglo-Saxon -type- and my birthmother is Mexican(scandal- his side of the family hates her.) So, the fact that I was placed for adoption is shameful in his family. His daughter is jealous of me. And he can't handle it all. And I couldn't handle it all.

I guess I just assumed that I would be welcomed when I came back- which I had every intention of doing some day, and I made that clear. I knew that his family would be ticked off, because they saw me as a disruption, and now I disrupted even further by leaving my bio dad ( their father, son, uncle, etc.) DO I need a wake-up call? Was that a bad assumption on my part? I'm starting to realize my own possible immaturity - whereas before I was powerless to see it.

[JustPeachy]

Here's my question:Even though I've left-will he accept me again? He might have gotten over me, and when I call him, what if he says "Sorry,Amanda. You made your choice." (as some adoptees sometimes say to birthparents! ! )

What if he says -"I don't need you in my life if you can't be a constant. I'm sorry. You made your choice."


I made it clear that it was not supposed to be permanent. That it was just not a good time for us (and it wasn't) But do I deserve them anymore? I feel like I've blown my only shot. I feel like I've ruined it (even though everyone tells me its not my fault- that anyone would have felt as I had)

I will call him, or write him, in 2 years time. This time, in 2011. But what if it's too late? What if I'm no longer welcomed? I thought about this before I called him to end our reunion, and I'm still willing to accept it.I
ll always be sad, but I made a choice and I knew the possible consequences.

These "what ifs" can certainly drive us crazy, can't they?!? Yes, there is a chance that in 2 years time, he will have decided to move on. But there is also a chance that he won't. The "what ifs" can go both ways, it's just that we tend to think of the worst-case scenarios.

I agree with you that if you contacted him now, it would be too soon and you'd just be back at square one. I understand you are not trying to "punish" your bdad, but you needed this break for your own sanity. I think it's actually good for the both of you.

Certainly anything is possible, but you could also decide to reconnect tomorrow and you bdad can say no. I agree your sister needs to grow up, but your dad needs to grow "a pair" and not let your sister run roughshod over him and everyone else.

Look, you made it clear this break was not permanent, but that you needed it for your own emotional health and I think you did the right thing. I can fully understand as a birthparent being on edge about my child coming in and out of my life and what an emotional roller-coaster ride that would be, and it is hard to say how I would handle things if my son didn't communicate for 2 years and then came back. My gut says I'd accept him back, but I would be nervous that a break might happen again. I don't like the idea of "pullback" and I'm not even in reunion yet! However, I think if my son had a serious issue and presented it to me as you did, I would have done more to try to keep my birthchild in my life and have a relationship with him separate from my own issues with my raised child (if I had one) and extended family. From what I recall, your dad insisted he could not have a separate relationship with you and I don't agree with that at all. But it also sounds like he doesn't have any support within his own family for bringing you into the fold. It is certainly their loss.

Yes, you are taking a chance with your plan, but life is full of risks. If you kept to the status quo, you'd be miserable and it was totally unfair to you. I could see if you were being ridiculously demanding with unreasonable requests but you were willing to meet your dad half way and he still couldn't find a way to work with you.

You could just sit with this awhile and decide to stick to your original plan, or maybe in 6 months or a year, you will feel differently and that's ok, too. I would let it be for now, and revist in 6 months. A lot can change in 6 months, and it will give HIM time to think things over, too. You can then determine if you want to stay on the current plan or revise it.

[Amandak249]

From what I recall, your dad insisted he could not have a separate relationship with you and I don't agree with that at all.

Almost.He said that it could be " just the two of us," but then he would tell me everything his mother said, everything "E" said, etc. He gave me WAY to much information. If he hadn't told me how the family felt, I would never have known, and we'd still be in reunion. Except for "E", every other member of the family was kind to my face- venomous behind my back. "E" was unashamed, and said and did whatever she pleased. Why my birthfather decided to share everything his family said is beyond me. A part of me wanted to know, and is glad that I did find out- I would rather be disliked and know, then disliked and have no idea. So by the time I was actually upset- it was too late for us to go back to a "just the two of us relationship" - everyone else had already been to involved, and I was actually told that I was " not a part of their family" ( by "E", of course.) That was the breaking point for me. Just talking to him (which is all I did anyway!) was not keeping it between the 2 of us like you would expect.


I was hurt- and part of me DID want to show him that he can't allow "E" to stomp all over people. "E" is never expected to take responsibility for ANYTHING. I wasn't going to allow her to make me sad one more day, and I wasn't going to allow my birthfather to enable it any more. He wouldn't make change- he claimed he couldn't change her- so I made a change.

I did not leave for no reason, and it wasn't sudden. He and I had had MANY conversations about the possibility. To be honest, I think he saw it coming. I had mentioned to him back before Christmas that I was nearing the end of my rope, and then after the new year I decided to give "E" a call- to give her essentially an ultimatum. I demanded the truth, and boy oh boy did she give it to me. I wanted to get to the bottom of her animosity, and I thought a face to face convo like we had no had in years would do the trick. I was wrong. She rejected me, and "twisted the knife" ( birth fathers words- not my own. He knows how she acts.) That was when I knew I needed to step back. He still didn't fully seem to " get it " he said something along the lines of :

"None of the family is going to care if you stop being around. I am the only one who will care. Why are you punishing me for THEIR actions?"

It wasn't about punishment. It was about me doing what I needed to do to get myself out of a situation that was more pain than anything else. It wasn't always like that- I used to LOVE "E", I use to LOVE my visits. Somehow, it just all went downhill. There is a lot of dysfunctionality there- and it started to involve me.

I am considering writing him a quick note around Christmas time? Or perhaps after the new year. That's about the time I last spoke with him, so it will have been one year.

Perhaps a quick update on my life and my achievements? Telling him that I miss him, that I think of him often, and that I look forward to the day when we can have a relationship without everyone else's interference. I'l ltell him that I've been waiting because I don't want to pop in and out of his life. It's not fair to him. We were constant for 10 years, and the next time we speak I want it to be 10 years more. I never want to have to put a halt on things again-so I have to move slowly and carefully. I'll tell him that I'll give him a call when "E" graduates HS, when perhaps our relationship will be less threatening to her. I will have given her until her 18th birthday to shape up. If she STILL can't in two years, I'm not willing to wait anymore, and I will have a relationship with my birth father without her blessing and without her acceptance. At that point, she'll be an adult- and I will make her take responsibility. I will visit, and she can see me if she wants. If not, I'll enjoy our birth father without her. Same thing with his family- if they still want to see me, they can. I am more then willing to spend time with them. But I will not force them, and I will not wait for E's blessing- because it may never come.They are merely extra's in this equation. When E is 18, if they STILL feel the need to protect her from "me" ( the other daughter)- I'll have to deal with those feelings of rejection on my own.

What do you all think of that idea? A quick letter in 2010 explaining all of the above in bold? ( In nicer words, of course) I think 18 years old is plenty of time to grow a brain and some empathy. If it;s not- I won't make it my problem anymore.

[Amandak249]

I would love to hear other insight, if anyone has it..
I didn't think my being out of his life would..be important to him? I don't know. I guess I misinterpret how he feels/is. It's hard for me with men haha! Being a female, I wonder if it's strange that I have better luck communicating with women.

[BlackSheep]

Amanda-

Being both an adoptee in reunion and a birthmom in reunion, I can see your situation from both sides.

Waiting is a risk, but one that I have also taken in my reunion with my birthmom--in reunion now for just over 15 years. We didn't communicate for almost 2 years, but not for the same reasons you have for your separation. We have been able to pick up and actually have a better relationship now than we did before!

But on the other end, my DD and I just started reunion last November. There were times when we did not agree and her threat to me was always separation. The only response I can give her is that if she needed that, she should take it and I would be waiting for when she was ready for contact again. I know how emotional reunion can be especially if there is not support all around. She has't stopped communication with me. My aparents are not supportive of me having any contact with my DD and want nothing to do with her but, my DH and other children are supportive and long to meet her face to face along with me. As a birthmother, I would ALWAYS be there, waiting, but that is me. I can't speak for your birthfather, but love doesn't just stop!
(But as you already know, it can and does hurt sometimes.)

Your idea of a quick note to let your birthdad know that you still think about him and love him sound like a good idea to me--my opinion.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Amanda,

First off, I agree with Peachy. You dad needs to grow him a set. He is asking you to be responsible for his inability to stand up to his family. Which is (IMO) not fair to you - or, quite frankly, too himself. If it was just him paying for that, that would be one thing. But you're also having to pay the price. And that's not acceptable, in my humble opinion.

My birthfathers family (grandma, autns, uncles, etc) taking E's side ( "all adoptions should be closed- its not fair to the raised siblings who now have to shaire their parents",etc). I took this for years, and my bfather made every excuse in the book. He allowed her to treat me like a piece of dirt, and he never once stood up for me.

(((( Amanda )))) I'm sorry you've been the target of such ignorance.

What I've bolded? That is particularly unconscionable. Adoptions should be closed because it's too icky for family? Noooooo. But you're white trash mouths should be closed there family members, how about that?

Sorry. I find the fact that people would say that about you (or any other adoptee) downright pathetic. The way these people are acting towards you? They may be wealthy but their knowledge of adoption came straight out of a trash heap.

The thing that really irks about this is that your bdad must've told you they said it (at least that's what I'm getting from your subsequent posts).

You're right. He has no reason to tell you people are saying things like that. What he SHOULD be doing is telling them that either they keep their ignorant opinions too themselves or it's HIM they're not going to be seeing anymore.

Judging from how terribly important he is to them (otherwise they wouldn't give a rat's patoot that he's speaking to you), that threat should be enough to get them to can it for a while. Though only for a while. It's been my experience that that kind has to have somebody to point the finger at so that they don't have to look at their own ugly reflections. Forgive the rant, I find myself not in much of a mood to tolerate this kind of hoo-hah lately.


But whatever they're saying, you don't need to hear it. There are things a parent simply doesn't tell a child. Period.


Regarding your sister, true, she's out of line. But she's young, very young. That is her defense.

IMO - your dad doesn't have one. See...it's not just about you (not meant to sound harsh or indifferent - I think it's terrible how she's treating you).

It's also about your dad being an adult. It's his responsibility to teach her better manners. This crap of asking you to put up with it because he didn't raise you? Uh uh. Nope, nope,nope. You're his daughter too. But even if you weren't? You're still a fellow human being on this planet.

Manners will get you a long way in the life when nothing else will. It opens doors and makes life easier for all concerned. Your father has a duty to your sister to raise her to respect other people's boundaries. Otherwise, she's going to go out in the world and think she can treat people anyway she pleases. That's a dangerous notion to give a child because sooner or later they run across someone out there who'll be more than happy to show them the meaning of the term "zip it".


Note to the eworld - I'm not going to put that politically correct "IMO" after my above statement. If a parent doesn't know that, they're in the wrong profession.

Bio dad and his family are the Southern-baptist-White-Anglo-Saxon -type- and my birthmother is Mexican(scandal- his side of the family hates her.) So, the fact that I was placed for adoption is shameful in his family. His daughter is jealous of me. And he can't handle it all.

Sounds like he's got a lot of guilt over your relinquishment and also that his family has been calling the shots for years. It's strange because he is keeping you in his life which is a good thing and proves (at least to me) that he loves you. So on the one hand he is "standing" in a way, but on the other - he's putting conditions on that love by asking you to tolerate his family's prejudice. Why should you have to do that? Who made you the poster child for other people's social ineptitude (his family - not him)?


I guess what I'm saying in all of this is that you're a strong person in having the guts to face all of this and weigh it out.

And yes, I do understand that you want a relationship with your biodad. Why shouldn't you? And again, I think he does love you. But, you are right in drawing the line at what you will and will not tolerate. Perhaps that is something he has always wanted to do with his relatives but for whatever reason he hasn't been able to garner the courage. Maybe in a small way, you're doing him a favor by teaching him how to do so.

Also - IMO - I don't believe you owe him any apologies if and when you decide to reinitiate contact. All you owe him is honesty and respect and, in my mind at least, it seems to me you've given him both. You were honest at the outset. Perhaps you could say, "I feel bad that we've been out of contact" or "I'm sorry that we haven't spent much time together lately".


As to what you should do next?

From my little corner of the eworld, I see that you have a decision to make. Can you have a relationship with bdad while overlooking his shortcomings? Or are those shortcomings too emotionally damaging to you?

Those are significant questions; ones only you can answer. But that's all right.

Give yourself some time. You have a lot going for you. You're intelligent, strong and you seem to me to have the ability to "think outside the box".

You'll know what to do when the time is right, Amanda. And who knows? Oftentimes we fear things turning out for the bad and they end up turning out splendidly!!

Until then, I wish you every good thing in life!

[Amandak249]

Janey, (and everyone else)

Your words are so important to me. No one ever agrees with me. My parents are so fed up with biodad and sister that they are hesitant to discuss it with me ( or perhaps I am with them- aha I've complained enough.) And my girlfriends particularly my best friend always says something like " No. You're done. You don't need him. It was cute while it lasted by now it's done. Forget him." Many people think, in fact, that the cultural differences are not working for us either. I was raised, and still live in, New York City/Sicily ( I went back and forth.) My bio family and I have VERY different world views (even politically!) People tell me that, for my bio fam, I am some strange blonde girl from the North who has come to steal their father/son/uncle from poor, innocent, and troubled "E".

Ugh.

I agree with them in conversation, but as soon as I hang up, or walk out the door, my mind wanders- and I find myself missing him. I'm not sure if it's the blood connection, or the fact that I love him. I feel like I deserve contact with him. I don't exactly feel like he owes me, because I don't think we owe each other anything. I do know that it is something I want- and it hurt's me that I can't have it.

Can you have a relationship with bdad while overlooking his shortcomings? Or are those shortcomings too emotionally damaging to you

Ah, Janey you have found the magic question. This break wasn't so much about THEM changing, it was about ME changing. I'm waiting for this two year mark because that's the only time I can anticipate change MAYBE occurring on their end. Until then, I need to busy myself slowly preparing for the fact that everything might be the same. If it is the same, I have decided that I don't care. I will tell them that I waited for "E" to feel more comfortable, but she's 18 now and if she STILL can't find it in her heart to at LEAST accept me as a part of her father's life- that's not my problem anymore. I gave her time. 2 years to grow-up. If she can't, I won't let it upset me. How much longer should I have waited? Until she was 20? 25? 30?When would be the IDEAL age? The fact is there isn't one with this girl. She won't grow up. So I have to.


My biofather has created a monster. In "E" , obviously, who is literally the worst little child I've ever met- and in his family, and in himself. His parents and brother and extended family are not so bad. I liked them! It's these issues with "E" that are turning them against me. Bio dad has told me before that if "E" likes me- everyone likes me. It's a sort of "pack" mentality that I've never seen before! As long as "E" is unhappy, everyone else must be unhappy too. As long as "E" doesn't like me- no one else feels like they have the right to (bio dad TOLD me this.)


I miss him. I will give this time. I will give "E" time to mature, and bio dad a chance to reflect. I will give myself time. In 2 more years, I'll be ready. If "E" is not ready for me- she can go to you-know-where. I don't know what biodad will do- I am almost 100% sure he'll "take me back"- but who knows. If he doesn't accept me back, I'll spend the rest of my life grieving it. I'm almost OK with that- because at least I'll have a place to go from there. Here I am in limbo, and it's an awful place to be.


THANKYOU GUYS SO MUCH! I don't know what I'd do without all of you!

[Janeytwo]

Hey Amanda,

Hugs to ya today!

I will tell them that I waited for "E" to feel more comfortable, but she's 18 now and if she STILL can't find it in her heart to at LEAST accept me as a part of her father's life- that's not my problem anymore. I gave her time. 2 years to grow-up. If she can't, I won't let it upset me. How much longer should I have waited? Until she was 20? 25? 30?When would be the IDEAL age? The fact is there isn't one with this girl. She won't grow up. So I have to.

It's strangely ironic reading this passage. It's so similar to ones birthparents post here when speaking of trying to reunite with their 18/19 year old bkids.

That same struggle to try and negotiate the immaturity of late teenhood and the question of "how long should I wait for them to grow up before I've waited long enough"?

Sigh....I don't know the answer to that one. I do know that most of us are very different people in our teens than we are in our forties.

When most folks are 18, they think they have the world by the shorthairs. Life has a way of taking care of that illusion.

It seems to me you're like a lot of us who come to understand that some people aren't going to change and that we need to accept that and either live with them regardless or move on.

Either way, you must be true to yourself Amanda. Life is short and you shouldn't be expected to spend yours making up for other people's faults and/or lack of compassion.

Be good to you today!

[birdeez4]

Amanda, two things that you said about your bdad stuck out to me :

Originally Posted by Amandak249

Almost.He said that it could be " just the two of us," but then he would tell me everything his mother said, everything "E" said, etc. He gave me WAY to much information. If he hadn't told me how the family felt, I would never have known, and we'd still be in reunion. Except for "E", every other member of the family was kind to my face- venomous behind my back.

and

Originally Posted by Amandak249

He still didn't fully seem to " get it " he said something along the lines of :

"None of the family is going to care if you stop being around. I am the only one who will care. Why are you punishing me for THEIR actions?"

I don't know your bdad, but these comments, taken together, scream out that he is a master manipulator. Why? Because it appears that he is trying to convince you that he is the ONLY member of the family that could possibly accept you. This gives him a powerful emotional hold on you. And if he has done this to you, believe me, he has done it tenfold to his raised daughter, which (coupled with teenage hormones) can explain why she has lashed out at you with such venom. That doesn't make her actions right, nor should you have to deal with them, but it does make them explainable.

The fact that you say he has never called "E" on her actions is also a sign of manipulation; he's watching to see how it all plays out. If he knows how to push your buttons, he knows how to control you.

Just from reading what you have posted in this thread, if I were you I would tread very, very carefully with him. And stand your ground with your limits. Take care of YOU first.

[dpen6]

WOW, birdzeez,

Good point and I think very accurate.

Amanda, I would listen to what birdzeez just said. Even if it isn;t accurate it would at least give you some time to make a decsion if you know that there might be the possibilty of manipulation going on and it does give a better explantation on littles sis's behavior. It might also serve to take you out of the emotional relm of things and put it into a more concrete way of looking at it. You can attempt to rise above it and look at it dispassionitly . That might be something really good to do. Don't think about your feelings for him or his feelings or siss feelings, look at thesituation for what it is. Get the terms bio anything and how itrelates to you out of the picture for a miniteand reevaluate his behavior...in a clinical manner..see what you come up with.

Good post.birdzeez

[JustPeachy]

I agree dpen--birdeez, very astute post!

Amanda, if birdeez theory is correct (and it certainly seems plausible), it could be your dad has very cleverly set up E to be the scapegoat in all this while he comes out smelling like a rose (or at least trying his darndest to). If that is true, no wonder E is lashing out and angry. It could be that she has been put into this position but cannot consciously figure out what is going on, and is acting out because of it, and directing all that emotional turmoil toward you.

In any event, the boundaries are not good. Your bdad should not have, IMO, told you all the things your bfamily was saying behind your back. What purpose did that really serve? I mean, sure, you hate to have people be phoney to your face, but I think for your bdad to tell you all the dirt about what they were saying was not very productive. And can you be sure it is even true? A better approach, IMO, is if these relatives were speaking ill of you, would have been for him to tell them he will not tolerate them doing so, and expect them to be civil toward you. Just as an example, I can't stand a couple of people in my husband's family. That doesn't mean I can't be civil toward them and I certainly wouldn't want my husband to go back to them and say "oh, Peachy really can't STAND you and she thinks x y and z about you!" I deal with them as best I can because they are my husband's family, but let him maintain most of the contact with them. He knows how I really feel, and I have good reason to feel as I do, but that's between us.

[birdeez4]

Amanda,

I've read most of your posts now from before and please think carefully: In most of them, you have said that "bio dad told me this", usually dealing with other relatives' negative feelings towards you. With the exception of "E", I haven't seen anywhere that other members of the b-family have ACTED negatively towards you, or said unkind things; it's just a 'bdad told me this is how they REALLY feel'. All of which makes me feel hinky about the whole thing.

Originally Posted by Amandak249

His parents and brother and extended family are not so bad. I liked them! It's these issues with "E" that are turning them against me. Bio dad has told me before that if "E" likes me- everyone likes me. It's a sort of "pack" mentality that I've never seen before! As long as "E" is unhappy, everyone else must be unhappy too. As long as "E" doesn't like me- no one else feels like they have the right to (bio dad TOLD me this.)

If you have had personal conversations with the other members of this family (other than biodad and "E") and they have said to you "Yes, this is truly how we feel", then I stand corrected and apologize for reading too much into this (my own personal issues are rearing their ugly head), but if the only information on how 'they REALLY feel' is coming from your bdad, then I urge you to step back and consider the following:

In ANY relationship, the person who feels the need to tell you how other people REALLY feel about you (usually negatively, rarely positively), normally will also go to the same people and tell them how you REALLY feel about them (usually negatively, rarely positively). I can write whole scenerios on how many ways this can totally screw up any relationship, adoption aside.

Again, if all of the negative information is coming from your biodad (other than your experiences with "E"), then I would double the remark to be very, very careful about your dealings with him. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't have any contact with him, because even master manipulators have the capability to love very deeply and most have many other positive qualities, but be careful. I'll leave out my personal stories, but believe me, been there, done that, got the battle scars.

If I've allowed my own personal baggage to interfere, I apologize, but ... this situation just sort of struck a nerve... FWIW