[funnymetaxa2]

i found out about this wonderful site a couple of months ago, i decided to register because i really need some help - losing my mind.
my son was adopted in 1971, usual story as i have read lots of times, bullied into it and then told to forget it - it never happened. my son found me in august 2006, i was ecstastic - over the moon, and we seemed to get along so well. i met his wife and beautiful children, and he met his two brothers. at the end of september 06 he said he was confused and could i wait to hear from him till he was ready. in november he asked to see me to discuss but never turned up. so in april 2007 i wrote to him, asking wether he wanted to see me anymore. he replied no - he felt no connection with me and felt he was letting his parents memory down. i am devastated - an under-statement. i feel as if my life isn,t worth living anymore.
my question is should i send him a birthday card - he will be 36 soon. i decided i would but have been told not to has i would be forcing contact onto him. i could maybe send one with my name and address on the back, then he could throw it away without opening it. or i could send it to his wife and she could give it to him or not.
i need to let him know in some small way that i love him and miss him, i would hate him to think i don,t care, but i don,t want to upset him or spoil his birthday.
i am so sorry for rambling on.
love and best wishes to you all
heartbroken and confused x

[mom2behappy]

I would send the birthday card anyway even if he doesn't open the card he will know in his heart that you sent it. maybe once he feels that your not going anywhere he will have a change of heart. I wish you all some peace

[wilted rose]

Hi jean, I'm sorry this must be such an emotionally difficult time for you! What to do? what to do? My first reaction, I'm wondering how did you leave things with your bson when he requested you not contact him anymore? If you agreed and you send a bday card he may view that as you not respecting his wishes at this time, and you may run the risk of a future contact. Does he have any way to reach you should he want to down the road, via email, telephone your address, last name? As you may read on many posts from bmothers and adoptees alike, there is often a pullback or what I prefer to call an emotional review phase after initial contact whereby one or both parties take a time out to cope with the wide range of emotions that surface. Emotions that take them by complete surprise and often are overwhelming. While many of us are determined to succeed through this phase onto reunion, I believe it's pertinent to success to respect ones' need for this timeout. Ultimately he has told you how he feels at this time...
Just my thoughts,
Regards,
Rose

[Jackiejdajda]

my son was adopted in 1971, usual story as i have read lots of times, bullied into it and then told to forget it - it never happened. my son found me in august 2006, i was ecstastic - over the moon, and we seemed to get along so well. i met his wife and beautiful children, and he met his two brothers. at the end of september 06 he said he was confused and could i wait to hear from him till he was ready.

Did he write that he was confused or did he tell you on the phone?

I went back and read my bsons emails a year after they were sent.. I saw that I had missed a lot of his words..
There were a lot of things unsaid.. but there were also a lot of things said.. that did not compute with me at the time..
I was totally into myself.. totally going through my early reunion emotions..

So if you can go back to that time and sort what he really meant maybe it will help..

in november he asked to see me to discuss but never turned up. so in april 2007 i wrote to him, asking wether he wanted to see me anymore. he replied no - he felt no connection with me and felt he was letting his parents memory down. i am devastated - an under-statement. i feel as if my life isn,t worth living anymore.

His memory of his parents.. may be key..
Something has not been sorted.. and IMO there is no way to rush him..
Some of our relinquished sons and daughters have a very hard time with the fact that they were relinquished.. (there is a primal wound thread going on now).. And some of them (I think men mostly) can not bridge the gap..
Can not make it right in their emotions..

And I do not think there is anything you can do about it.. other than wait..
And pray.. that he may sort what needs to be sorted.. for his sake..

You did your best.. You are open for contact.. I do not think you can do more..
No blame..

my question is should i send him a birthday card - he will be 36 soon. i decided i would but have been told not to has i would be forcing contact onto him.

As Rose wrote.. he may need time out..
If you send a card you may be resented.. when he just wants to forget about it..
My bson told me that when he looks at his kids he thinks of me.. And I will take that gratefully.
And I think the goal needs to be them thinking of us with kindness..

The basic premise of the thing.. is so different..
The adoptee has issues of being abandoned.. the birthparent has issues of loss..

Two very very different things.. to sort..
And we all got all the time we need.. and you do have the rest of your life to sort this..
Life is long.. and things change.. there is always change..

I do not have a lot of contact with my bson.. I believe he wants it that way..
I wish I could do email with him but that is not what he is into.. and I am not into phone calls out of the blue..
And I think he knows this..

i could maybe send one with my name and address on the back, then he could throw it away without opening it. or i could send it to his wife and she could give it to him or not.
i need to let him know in some small way that i love him and miss him, i would hate him to think i don,t care, but i don,t want to upset him or spoil his birthday.

I say.. hold back..
I say give him up the second time.. and get on with your life..
You get to have a life.. we have kids and they sometimes dominate our lives.. or heck the things that happen in our lives dominate our lives..
The past.. the things we can not change..

Jackie

[EZ2Luv]

I agree with Jackie. Hold out. As an adoptee if I requested someone give me time, I would b annoyed if they continued to push it. Even though there is no harm in a Birthday card, you have to try and see it as he does. Recieving that card whether he opens it or not(if he knows it is from you) is like "forcing " him to face this. I know it must be hard, but yu have to realise that you remember him alot more than he you. As far as he is concerned you even though his biomom, are basically astranger. He has no history with you as he does with his aparents. Sometimes all an adoptee wants is to know that the biomom is real because all our live this biomom has been such a mystery. This happens all too many times in reunion. Many biomoms I think put alot more expectation into reunion then do adoptees.
I say give him time and space and let him make the next move. I know for me there was a time when I just was not ready and if my biomom had pushed things prematurely she would have pushed me further away.
Alos try to realize that many times we adoptees feel we are betraying or trying to replace out aparents and lots of guilt comes into play.
I don't know your son's circumstances where you say he mention "memory of his aparents" Have they passed? I only ask cause when my amom got alzhiemers it just so happened that I was faced with a situation where I needed medical info so I searched for my biomom. I think that the fact that my amom was ill intensified my desire to find. I think it was because at that point she wouldn't know what I was doing and wouldn't be hurt if she found out. When I did find biomom she has allready passed, but a half sibling accused me of wanting to replace my amom, which was not the case. Anyhow, my point is, if they have passed, his search may have been exasterbated by the need to have a parent. I am not saing this is what happened, he could have very well wanted to meet and have a relationship, then just came to realize he just wasn't ready.
Give him time.

EZ

[funnymetaxa2]

thankyou so very much, i really appreciate your help. i have decided not to send a card , no way do i want to hurt my son.
i said i would respect his wishes in our reunion, but it is very difficult. i thought i was a strong person, but i think of him constantly and i am so full of questions which i can,t answer - what if he thinks i have abandoned him again. does he know how much i love him. i felt an instant bod with his children - my grandchildren. things go round and round in my head.
he told me by text that he was confused, and by e -mail via genes reunited that he didn,t want contact. i havn,t seen or heard from him since- but he is always with me.
his parents died in 2004 and 2005 so not that long before he contacted me. i am can,t bear the thought that i will never see them again, and as jackie said i need to get on with my life and hope and pray he will contact me again one day. but at the moment i can,t move on.
thankyou again, love and best wishes to you all. you are very wise
happy birthday A , i love you
jean

[Jackiejdajda]

i need to get on with my life and hope and pray he will contact me again one day. but at the moment i can,t move on.

Hello Jean..

This is for you to sort.. This accepting what has happened in our lives.. and accepting it in our heart and soul.
And it takes time.. that’s for sure..

He is okay.. that is bottom line.. here..
He is fine and now its time to take care of you.. I know I thought that when I found my bson.. or when he found me.. all would be well and all things would be well.. It did not happen..
I just got me a new set of things to sort.

And I do not think I am really moving on.. I haunt these boards and want to help women and men that are alone with this..
But I have embraced what has happened in my life.. I share with the world.. my hard stuff..
And I get back what I need.. and I feel okay for the day..

I think for me.. it was the secret keeping that kept me running in place.. no outside input..
No help for me.. just pain and waiting and anger.. hidden away.
Talking about it helps a lot.. finding friends that really understand.. and give you what you need.

Because our relinquished sons and daughters can not do this.. we can not go back.. its done.. it’s the past..
One of my mantra’s when I wish things were different is..

Accept what I cannot change..

Really accepting it.. getting past the resentments.. that keep me angry and unable to forgive.. me..

Jackie

[keds]

Hi Jackie, profound post. I am just realizing now that I want so much more in reunion than my son does and that no matter how much I want to fix "him" it is really my feelings that I need to address. At times I am so angry at him for not wanting more and at other times I think "so what", I have a good family, job and friends and even though this happened to me I will survive and it is no loss. I suppose the hardest thing to overcome is that knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have placed him for adoption which brings about a whole mess of other emotions. The fact that I can't change any of it is hard to accept but I'm working on it. I will send cards on holidays and his birthday but I think that I understand what so many others have posted before - it's too much to keep banging your head against the wall. All the best.

[Jackiejdajda]

I was really doing stream of thought writing when I wrote that.. so many dots..

I put the dots in when I am trying to pull the words..

Accepting what I can not change is almost freeing to me.. Wanting what can not be.. is impossible..

There is a thread here on what songs.. for birthmoms..
I can't find it.. but my song would be..

"If you love someone set them free"..

And if you love yourself..(I love myself) I will set me free..

All we can do is right now.

And Julia Cameron wrote.. in The Artist Way..

Stand knee deep in the flow of life and pay attention!

That is my new mantra.. that is what I say to myself when I get depressed etc..

Jackie

[heidibay66]

I am a 41 yr old adoptee and I am not sure if my feelings are because I have not been found yet or because they are truly how I would feel. So please understand that I have no idea what your reunion was like or what mine would feel like.
I would send it. I would want a card even if I told her to not contact me. Mothers love is unconditional and forever. You can not change who your mother is.. But maybe on the back or on the front you could just write, "open when you are ready" or "Just a birthday card for the ones I missed>" something like that. it would let him know that even though you are not talking you are still thinking of him.
I can tell you a little about my story and see if this helps. My adoptive mother is, well, for lack of a nicer word, Bad..She always treated me a little off from how she treated the others and then would say she loved us all the same. even another brother of mine that they adopted also(not related to me), he was her boy, she still puts him in the category with all of her natural children, but when it comes to me, I seem to be mentioned seperately. Well, a few years ago my adoptive father died, best dad in the whole world, he gave me attention when she wouldn't and seem to understand how I was feeling but wasn't allowed to show me, because of her. Since then, I have no birthday. She calls all the time, sets up dinners for everyone elses birthdays, wants me to help her with stuff. I bend over backwards for her. She was in the hospital last year and even with my major neck, rib and upper back injury,and in pain everyday, I stayed on a roll in bed at the hospital, got up with her all night, and stayed at her house for over a week, until she could do stuff on her own. The other children stopped by but no one stayed, just me. And she has not mention, called later or even acknowledged my birthday for three years now.
So as an adoptee, who for years, the only thing I knew about my past was my birthday, and now having no one to respond to me that day as a parent, I would love that someone remembered, even if I said no contact.
I hope this helps. And I will pray that God will give both of you the guidance that you need to make it thru this.
Heidi

[Patty-cake]

I say send a card. Nothing too sentimental and no long note with it. Just Happy Birthday Love, (your name). While you don't want to fource yourself on him- cards on birthdays and holidays will let him know that the door is open if he ever wants to try again. When I was in your situation that is what I was advised to do when I asked on the adoptee forum. My therapist also suggested it. -Patty

PS If you have time click on my name and read my past threads and posts. My daughter was born in 1971 also and I have experienced a similar situation for 3 years but our relationship is now finally beginning to develope little by little.

[funnymetaxa2]

hi patty,thankyou for that, his birthday has gone and i didn.t send a card. feeling realy low tonight and my computer keeps crashing. there is so much i left unsaid before he didn,t want to see me anymore. didn,t even get to say i,m sorry to him. have read some of your posts and they have helped a bit - i hope your daughter is ok now. my love and prayers are with you all. jean

[Moongrl22]

Originally Posted by funnymetaxa2

thankyou so very much, i really appreciate your help. i have decided not to send a card , no way do i want to hurt my son.
i said i would respect his wishes in our reunion, but it is very difficult. i thought i was a strong person, but i think of him constantly and i am so full of questions which i can,t answer - what if he thinks i have abandoned him again. does he know how much i love him. i felt an instant bod with his children - my grandchildren. things go round and round in my head.
he told me by text that he was confused, and by e -mail via genes reunited that he didn,t want contact. i havn,t seen or heard from him since- but he is always with me.
his parents died in 2004 and 2005 so not that long before he contacted me. i am can,t bear the thought that i will never see them again, and as jackie said i need to get on with my life and hope and pray he will contact me again one day. but at the moment i can,t move on.
thankyou again, love and best wishes to you all. you are very wise
happy birthday A , i love you
jean

This is a very difficult time for you but just remember you gave him life, you gave him up out of love. Let him get through those confusing feelings that he has and give him some space. I know because I'm going through this process myself. It's not as EASY as I imagined it in my mind. I thought she would want to meet me as soon as she turned 18 and we would have a connection again. I thought I would be someone important in her life. The reality is; she see's me more as a Stork. She's happy I gave her life. All I can say is NEVER give up but never beat yourself up! You seem like a wonderful person with a kind heart. Keep living life and don't let this get you down. I know it's hard but you are right it's just best to respect his feelings, his wishes. He knows you are not abandoning him. He has a lot of feelings to iron out. You are stronger than you realize. Good luck to you! From another Bmom.

[winter444]

Hi Jean,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am an adoptee and found my bmom earlier this year, what a roller coater of emotions for everyone.
You say that there were so many things left unsaid, that must be absolute torture for you. This is just my thought....I really feel this is not the end for you and your son. He contacted you....a good sign, sounds like it was too close to when his aparents had passed away though and he felt very guilty and confused.
You can definately bet you are on his mind, he's not said no contact and just gone on with his life.
What to do? Perhaps wait a while...I know, I hate the word wait!! give him time, it's torture I know. But then I also believe life is too short, perhaps let him know later on how you feel and you don't want to bother him but you need to say these things to him, that you'll always be there if he wants contact, he might be mad you contacted him again but I honestly feel he needs to hear what you have to say. Just my take on it...the years will go by and you need to say things to him so you can go on too. I see where he's coming from and I see where you're coming from, the way it is now is hell for you and if he still doesn't want contact, you have at least told him everything that's in your heart and you never know, down the road he may come back.
Many, Many hugs to you, x x

[funnymetaxa2]

hi everyone, i really would like to thank you all for your support. have decided to send A a christmas card and then wait. i will send a letter eventually, but not for a while yet.
life is indeed too short, the son of my closest and much loved friend as just been diagnosed with cancer - has put my problems in the shade and my life into perspective. i am trying to concentrate on supporting my friend in any way that i can.
yet i still greive for my son and feel guilty when i do,as i get so depressed, but feel selfish when this happens, i have lots of unresolved feelings to sort.
it has made me realize that i can,t just let my son go - i love him too much.
love and peace of mind to all. jean