[Jackiejdajda]

KarenShrader wrote

How long after he cut contact did you write the letter?

I wrote to him.. on the day that 9/11 happened.. I was sitting and trying to write a long newsy letter about my kids.. etc.. and I turned on the TV.. and the terrible things were happening.. but I turned the TV off.. and finished my letter..
I still think of that..
I sent it and then realized.. that I was being horrible.. trying to be newsy.. when 9/11 was happening..
I wrote him a letter (email) saying please excuse.. etc etc..

Nothing.. nothing came back.. and I was in total pain about what I had done..
He sent one chain letter.. about the relationship between Canada and the Us..
I can remember sitting there obsessing and obsessing.. and thinking.. I can not do this any more.. and that is when I sent a letter telling him.. but I can not remember the time line..
All the years of worry about him.. and all the years of wanting contact.. and I here I was in a box.. obsessing..

I decided to let him go.. I can remember writing about it on alt.adoption.. and my friends told me to not do it.. I just decided to not seek him out any more.. no more birthday cards.. etc..
That August.. (his birthday) I did not send a gift.. or a card.. or any acknowledgment of any kind..
I did not send the kids gifts.. what I was doing before.. (Sept Oct.. and Dec.)

I just got on with it..

Then almost a year after that.. there was a message on the phone.. my son picked it up.. and there he was.. saying he did want to know me..

I really want to write it but again, don't want to make matters worse for the whole situation. How long should I wait b4 sending the letter?

We worry about our kids.. we want and want with them.. or some of us do.. but we do not take care of ourselves.. We do not love ourselves enough to stop the pain.. and this (to me) is the most horrible of pains.. that thinking what have I done wrong.. and I have lost all of it..
I can not do that pain any more.. I will not do that pain any more..

I know I have to keep it short and to the point and keep all of MY emotions out of it or else he'll just be put off by it and I don't want to do that. And again, he will probably see the letter as ANOTHER point of my disrespect of his wishes. I'm hoping if I wait a while, maybe closer to his birthday (march 2) it may be better. What I do know is that for ME, I won't feel better until I know that I've let him know that regardless of all that has happened, my door and heart are still open to him and always will be.

You can send it anytime.. IMO.. its closure for you.. Its you saying.. right.. I will not abandon you again.. (Ya I know abandonment is another subject)… You can do it as you please.. you are a person of the first order and you are doing your best..
If he has a bad temper about it.. so be it.. My third born has a terrible temper.. but I still tell him I love him.. and I will not give up on him..

Its closure for you.. He is in his own place in his own space.. You can take care of yourself Its allowed.. he can get angry or whatever..

Unfortunately, his temperament is a lot like his birth father's (not a good thing) who tends to hold grudges and everyone ELSE is at fault for everything. Thats the last I'll talk of his Bdad. Not good memories, not a good person.

So you can stand up to both of them in your mind and heart.. send him a letter and to heck with the consequences..

And thank you Jean for telling of your experience with the gifts. I guess I'll keep them for now. Another option I have is to give them to my daughter to send to him but I'm thinking that she may say "why would I send him a birthday present when he's barely talking to me?" So most likely they'll be put in the closet.

I do not think I could go through the waiting to see if he is angry or whatever.. about the gifts..
Take care of you.. and maybe the situation will resolve itself… that’s my mantra

After the letter is sent I will try to put it out of my mind as best i can and hope for the best.

And get on with your life..

I am happy for you Jackie, that your son recontacted you after a year. I certainly don't hold out any hope that my son would contact me in any less time than that, if ever. But at least he'll know he can. When we met I gave him a letter I wrote to him a couple of years after giving him up, in the hopes that one day I'd be able to give it to him and thankfully I did on the night we met. I told him in that letter as well, that I will always love him etc.... One thing he did do that made me feel good at the time was he said the letter made him cry.

You keep putting it out there and that is a good thing.. He may come back with all kinds of emotions.. but you are standing in your truth.. and telling the telling.. that’s very very important.. i

But that was while we were still on the emotional "HIGH" and happy about meeting. I just hope he'll take the next letter as well. Not cry or anything but just accept it and not react in anger, but if he does, he does, there is nothing I can do about it, nor will I even know what his reaction is unless he responds which he vowed he'd never do again. Except in anger. So with that said I hope he doesn't respond, just reads it and keeps it at the back of his mind. I wish there were a way for me to let him know about this website and the forums, maybe they could help him as much as you all have helped me.

All is change.. change is all we have.. that is something I hold on to..
You have told him your truths.. that is all you can do.. and now you can get on with your life.. He has got to fix himself.. sort himself..
But if and when he does you are standing there in/with your love..
No blame.. no darn blame..

Jackie

[KarenShrader]

So do I send a "final" letter, letting him know he's welcome back in the future or not? I hate the evenings from 7-10 pm is when I get most depressed even if I don;t have something specific to cry about I feel like crying everynight at this time. Don't get me wrong my meds are starting to help but this just seems to be a hard time of day for me. I'm not going to send the gift but part of me still wants to send the letter and I don;t know if it will just push him away further or just give him food for thought, or anger him. I still have all this angst, I guess because I don;t have any sort of "closure" if I ever get any. The last thing I want is him thinking I've written him off. I don;t know if it would be a better idea to send it thru a third party, (ie: my husband) or if that would anger him. You all are helping so much and seem to have your acts together so much, I want to be in that place. I know I can move on to a certain degree (I'll always hold out hope and never give him up in my heart, but I will guard it) But I'm afraid that I may not be able to move on till I've sent the letter (or an email) but I think I want something tangible that he can hold in his hands and keep (hopefully not tear up which is a REAL possibility) But do I risk it?
My daughter's weddding in one week fron today so this next week I will be distracted but after that I'll have alot more time on my hands and I'm afraid I'll start focusing on him again and I DON'T want to do that it's tooo painful.

[Jackiejdajda]

You asked about the time line..
I found some of my old posts on alt.adoption and I find I was lost in early 2002
Here is part of my post.. Just my words snipped the rest..

On Tue, 26 Mar 2002

Yes. And I guess we have to let go of our dreams..

I did have an expectation.. I think I have been working hard..
(lately) with letting that go..

Accepting that this may be all there is..

Yes I wish for one.. I did feel love for this man.. I sat in the hotel
lobby and watched him walk to the check out desk.. and I had such
love..

I wish I knew what happened..

I keep thinking that he is so darn busy in his life..that there is no
room for a relationship with me..

The fear of rejection..
Phoning to ask why there has been a silence.. I do not think I am able
to .. (right now) face that particular dragon..

And if I look at the actual facts in this situation.. I relinquished
him.. The communication and or 'cord' was broken back then..

I think I am coming to terms with this very important fact..

End of quoting from March 2002

Now when he called..

Snipp..

On 15 Apr 2003


My bson phoned me and said he wanted a relationship..


So we are back getting to know each other again..


Part two of my reunion has begun..

End of quoting..

So it was one year..

I can not find the post where I wrote to him and what I wrote.. I can not remember..


KarenShrader wrote

So do I send a "final" letter, letting him know he's welcome back in the future or not?

I think you need to weigh the results.. Can you go through the worry?
You can just stop now.. I am sure he knows you want to know him..

I hate the evenings from 7-10 pm is when I get most depressed even if I don;t have something specific to cry about I feel like crying everynight at this time. Don't get me wrong my meds are starting to help but this just seems to be a hard time of day for me. I'm not going to send the gift but part of me still wants to send the letter and I don;t know if it will just push him away further or just give him food for thought, or anger him. I still have all this angst, I guess because I don;t have any sort of "closure" if I ever get any. The last thing I want is him thinking I've written him off. I don;t know if it would be a better idea to send it thru a third party, (ie: my husband) or if that would anger him.

What about a card.. something that does not need a reply..

You all are helping so much and seem to have your acts together so much, I want to be in that place. I know I can move on to a certain degree (I'll always hold out hope and never give him up in my heart, but I will guard it) But I'm afraid that I may not be able to move on till I've sent the letter (or an email) but I think I want something tangible that he can hold in his hands and keep (hopefully not tear up which is a REAL possibility) But do I risk it?

It’s a journey.. I just spent the morning reading my old posts from the days when I was in a situation such as yours..
Makes me sad..

Its part of our journey this.. and now you are not alone..

Jackie