[Found at last]

Hey Jean,

Sorry to hear about your friend's son. What is his first name so we can pray for him?

I was going to send a Christmas card to my daughter's last address, but I found out that she doesn't live there anymore. Now I don't know what to do about her. I will still send a Christmas card to her parents with my cell phone # in it. (Hint-Call me)

Happy Christmas Jean,
Found

[KarenShrader]

Hi-
I too am in the same situation as Jean. I found my son in Nov, 2006. We met immediately, went ok. Then he pulled back and said he didn't and never would think of me as his family. I told him I didn't expect him to. Anyway he said he wanted limited contact, the occasional email, phone call text, etc. Maybe I did do occasional ENOUGH, I don't know. I would email him every couple of months and if he responded then sometimes a short dialogue would ensue, with his part always being short and to the point. We recently exchanged emails and he was very angry and has told me he doesn't want any further contact with me, he deleted me from his "facebook" friends list and said that in the future if he moves he will not let me know his new address, number, etc. and that he would tell everyone he knows that knows I exist NOT to give me any information. Now I am looking for someone to help intervene at some point. From what I've read in this thread, I need to give him space, which I had THOUGHT I had done, but apparentally not enough space. I am ALWAYS in tears and suffering from depression from all of this. I am soo upset about all this. It's like losing him all over again.
Thanks for listening,
Karen

[Jackiejdajda]

KarenShrader wrote..

Then he pulled back and said he didn't and never would think of me as his family. I told him I didn't expect him to. Anyway he said he wanted limited contact, the occasional email, phone call text, etc. Maybe I did do occasional ENOUGH, I don't know.

You are who you are.. Please do not punish yourself in the thinking you have not done it right..
He may (probably does) have issues with being relinquished and there is nothing you can do about it.. he needs to sort them.. you can not..

Take care of yourself..

Now I am looking for someone to help intervene at some point. From what I've read in this thread, I need to give him space, which I had THOUGHT I had done, but apparentally not enough space. I am ALWAYS in tears and suffering from depression from all of this. I am soo upset about all this. It's like losing him all over again.

You are not alone Karen.. I gave my bson up for a second time.. I stopped all contact for a year or so.. no gifts no emails no nothing..
He came back and said he wanted to know me but there was a part of me that lost the expectations of hope.. I protect myself now.. I got a life..
I give gifts to the kids and gifts to him but that’s it..

I have realized that my dreams may never come true.. and I have also realized that most dreams do not come true..

I hope you stay with us..

Jackie

[rah11]

Hi there
I just joined up in this forum and read your post and can only speak from an adoptees perspective. I found my b-mum 3 months ago, it has been an amazing experience but also a very emotional time for me (and her I suspect too) There have been times when i have been so confused that I didn't know if I wanted to stay in contact or not. She has been brilliant, told me she will give me all the space I need, even if it means not being in contact for however long i need. I have considered having a break for a while in order to sort out the whirlwind of feelings that I am experiencing but at the moment its not what I feel I need to do. I can fully understand why adoptees feel the need to do it, to cut ties for a while as finding your b-parents can totally take over your life and everything else falls by the wayside and its very hard to get things in perspective . Please don't think this is the end, he may just need time, be it 3 months be it 2 years. I still have alot of trouble getting my head around the whole concept of having another family and i bet he is too. Keep smiling

[keds]

Hi there, my take on reunion it's often "thought" of as a Disney moment - "dreams are a wish your heart makes" but reunion is something your brain has to help you work through - it isn't for the romantic, at least in my experience. Hard work, patience and hope are required but in different quantities.

[KarenShrader]

Thank you all for your kind words. You have helped me so much. I don't know whether I should hold out any hope for any future contact from him. And now I have another delimma. Before this "blow up" between us started I had purchased a pair if cuff links with his initials and a shot glass with his name for his birthday (in March) Now I don't know whether or not I should send it to him with a short not explaining that it was bought before all this happened and risk angering him more for "not respecting his wishes" or just send it to him with the short note, no emotional stuff and let him do with as he pleases, whether it be return, keep or throw away. Can someone tell me what they think I should do? If it weren't for that gift, I definitely would do as Jackie said and stop all contact, rather, I AM stopping all contact but don't know what to do with the gift as it was personalized or els I would just send it back to the store.

Another side of the situation is with his sister (younger, but full blood). The reason this all blew up was because I had written to him about how she was feeling about his broken promises to have a relationship with her and come to her wedding (in 2 weeks). She is not usually one to express her feelings easily especially if she doesn't know someone very well as with him. So I wrote and told him how she was feeling and that was what caused all this problem. What I didn't know was that my daughter had finally decided to tell him her self (neither of us knew what the other was doing) and his response to her did nothing whatsoever to help her know his intentions to their relationship. I know that ultimately they have to work it out between themselves but her and I are really close and I can't stand to see him hurting her like this. He is the only sibling she has and she wants to have a brother. I want to do what I can to help her as well as myself.
Thanks to everybody,
Karen

[Jackiejdajda]

My first thoughts when reading your last post Karen is to keep the gifts for another day..

There is no finality to this.. not in my world.. You could.. (and I am just suggesting) save the gifts till his birthday and send them then.. just happy birthday and here are some gifts..

Here is a anonymous letter someone sent me when I was early into reunion.. I am going to copy and paste it here.. It really helped me..

Reunion Socialization
(author not identified)

The journey through reunion is not unlike traveling to a foreign country where one doesn't speak the language or know the customs. Immersion into a new culture presents adjustments to climate, food, clothes, mannerisms and social rules. The experience carries imagined "should haves" that are markedly different from the often awkward reality.

Reunions hold the possibility of joy, hope and healing. These expectations and their resulting grief, however, can lead to misunderstanding, hurt and confusion. Each person must learn to adapt to the other's as well as their own, perplexing, vacillating emotional changes. Each person must rise to the challenge of bridging the lost years as well as possible. We are severed from, but profoundly bonded to--each other. We come together as "Familiar Strangers." Familiar in many ways because of the inherent genetic traits that are expressed in physical and emotional mannerisms and thoughts and actions. Unfamiliar in as many ways because each person has survived the sudden, abrupt truncation of a primary relationship. Each has developed different coping styles within the context of their own unique life path.

What happens? Why and How Can we Overcome the Challenges?

Traveling between the familiar and the unfamiliar requires resilience because the traveler will experience the roller coaster effects of elation/deflation as pent up emotions and years of buried grief and anger begin to spew forth. It is important to recognize that reunion is an intensely emotional, highly complex and unique phenomenon. Emotions are energy in motion, they are the tools of growth and serve to warn, protect and teach us about ourselves and the presenting situation/relationship.

What happens when these worlds converge?

One must learn to read between the lines. Be an observer of subtle cues, allow the other person to move at her/his own pace, put aside needs and expectations and "musts" for the reality of what it is. We need to develop an understanding and appreciation of one another's cultural and lifestyle differences.

Reunion emotions are high and conflicting feelings such as: joy. sorrow, anxiety, impatience, fear, anger and bewilderment. The person entering into a reunion is shifting gears from being a searcher with some measure of control, to a totally unknown situation, craving acceptance but anticipating rejection. The seat of the power now shifts to the contacted party. The searcher now must transition from the fantasies that filled the years of void and longing to stark reality.

Search is usually initiated by a strong internal drive to resolve the original issue of separation and loss (adoption). One thirsts to resolve unanswered questions. The emotional pressure to come full circle sustains what is often an arduous journey. The searcher's momentum increases as information is gathered. The emotional pressure to connect continues to escalate, while other life routine issues and obligations may be neglected because the searcher's focused journey is toward the truth, and he or she is expending a lot of emotional energy defending the need to search.

The searcher is not unlike a truck traveling 90 m.p.h.. The person who is found and who has not yet moved toward undertaking the search is taken by surprise and does not have this momentum. When these two different energies meet an emotional collision occurs. The searcher can barely slow down, while the person found can barely gasp for air, for the wind has been knocked out of them. They need time to adjust and may have concerns about the meaning behind the contact There may be stress regarding the implications of meeting and forming this new relationship.

Each party is bewildered by the other's actions. Each has different needs.One may be well versed in adoption issues with adoption, having support group exposure, while the other may not have even begun to contemplate adoption and reunion issues. Both parties have set their roles, rules and emotional commitments to others in their lives.

So many feelings flood forward, there may be bouts of crying or free-floating anger as these feelings flood forth. There is chaos and confusion. How can one be filled with such joy, anger, sadness. frustration, indifference, disappointment, fear and elation simultaneously?

Our identities are challenged. We will never be the same as we were before contact. Issues of loyalty to respective primary relationships may impede the ability to enfold the other party. One's previous history of loss, coping skills, ability to identify and verbalize feelings, and capacity to mourn affect the person's ability to empathize and relate to one another. Perception about the adoption experience--shame/openness, conditions during the pregnancy, success of integrating the adoption experience, issues of inadequacy -- all impact the manner in which the reunion may unfold. It is a process that often leaves those involved bewildered and exhausted.

Unanswered Questions...Possible Challenges

Who knows the story? Does the reality match one's previously held beliefs? Who sets the pace? What are the expectations? What are the family rules, social rules-- i.e., holidays, gifts, telephone calls, letters, e-mails? How does one sign off correspondence? Will previous relationships dissolve? How does each person identify the other? How does one handle social instructions? What type of relationship is desired: casual, nurturing. answers only, close? How much emotional support does each person have? Are we open and respectful and nonjudgmental of each other's needs? Will either birth parent be hurt if there is communication with the other birthparent? Will the adopted person want to merge their dual family connections or keep them separate? Will the birthparent desire acceptance by the adoptive parents? Will the adoptive parents want to embrace the birthparent or request that the adopted person not discuss the reunion? Will the birthparent's family welcome the adopted person or will rivalries surface? Can we let go of the fantasy of the reunion for the reality of a real relationship with a real person, flaws and all?

Does one try to bridge the two different worlds? Does one become emotionally exhausted trying to travel through these worlds separately? What happens if well-intended or misguided family, significant others, or friends attempt to steer the relationship? What about "genetic attraction"? Has the birthmother/father shared the existence of their child with family? Has the adopted person shared the search and contact with her/his adoptive parents? Does anyone have to "lead a double life" by keeping this reunion separate from other primary relationship! How does one deal with still being "a secret"? How do life changing events (i.e., marriage, divorce, childbirth, death) impact one's ability to incorporate this new relationship? How do physical or emotional health problems influence reunion?

Possible Phases of Post Reunion Relationships

"Falling In Love"

This is similar to a dating experience, when everything is running smoothly, energy is high, similarities are highlighted. Each party puts out a lot of effort, there can be a lot of sharing pictures, stories, exchanging gifts. Each party is open to accommodating the other's needs.

"Pull Back Phase"

The momentum of the relationship changes as one or both individuals may step back; one or both individuals may become confused, angry, frustrated, nervous, depressed. Problems may develop because of mixed messages or misread signals.

"Establishing Boundaries"

The relationship may be reassessed, There may be need for ground rules. Both parties fear rejection by the other. One or both parties may be involved in a push-pull relationship driven by the need to connect, but governed by the fear of becoming too close (only to lose the person again).

"The Relationship Dwindles"

One or both parties shut off communication. This may bring excruciating pain to one or both individuals. This may occur because one--or neither --party is flexible or because pressure from the other primary relationships have created too much anxiety.

"Acceptance of the Relationship"
Both parties are willing to commit to the relationship, issues still need to be resolved, reality overrides fantasy and unmet expectations, each party is willing to grow.

Reunion survival recommendations

*The other person cannot heal you! Reunion is a healing process that takes time, patience and a lot of effort.

*The reactions you see, hear, and experience can say a great deal about the other person's level of development, emotional makeup and coping skills. These reactions ARE NOT about you. Try not to take them personally.

*Develop and seek emotional support outside of any primary relationship. It is very difficult to receive objective advice from persons who have specific role expectations of you.

*Each person has her/his own pace.... Respect the differences.

*There is no right or wrong way you must recognize and follow the cues.

*Seek out other adoptees or birthparents impressions when you get stuck.

*All relationships evolve over time.... Your Reunion Mantra should be "We have the rest of our lives to resolve this."

*Remember "E=3Dmc2": for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you push too hard the other party will resist with equal strength.

*Flexibility is the key.

*Honor your psyche's need to grieve, seek appropriate therapy with someone who is familiar with post adoption/reunion issues, or educate your therapist if you are comfortable with her/him.

*Don't panic ... take deep breaths.

*Don't act impulsively or out of fear or anger.... Most of us unintentionally hurt each other when coming from this place. Remember your reunion mantra.

*Get reality checks from a trusted confidant.

*Don't stifle your feelings! That's what you've done for years and that's when we snap and say or do things we usually later regret.

*Perhaps try your feelings out with several people who are experienced with these issues first

*Let go; let the flow take its natural course...

*It's natural to grieve losses; honor your passage.

*Please remember... Reunion can be both difficult and ecstatic at the same time. Brace yourself for a flood of emotions. Try to enjoy the journey of self discovery and healing. “We have the rest of our lives to resolve this.”


The words.. We have the rest of our lives to resolve this is my mantra..
My affirmation when I get lost in my emotions around my reunion.. when I feel unsafe..

Jackie

[KarenShrader]

WOW! Thanks for that Jackie, it really means alot to me and I can see alot of me and my son in there. My first thought was "I should print this out and send it to him" but then remembered what he said about no further contact.
As for the birthday gifts, his birthday isn't until March so since I have them now I basically WOULD be saving them "till his birthday and send them then.. just happy birthday and here are some gifts.."
Again, still afraid that will push him away further. Early March really isn't that far off. I have been told by different people varying opinions, some say sent it with a short note saying that it was personalized for him and therefore not returnable and others say put the box at the back of the closet and forget about and wait. I REALLY want to send it with a short note (and maybe what you wrote above) but am still terrified that he'll see that as me still pushing and not respecting his wishes. I really am at a loss as what to do with the gifts. I think I'm ok right now with no contact, don't like it, wish it was otherwise but it is my fault for pushing too hard. So I can deal with the no contact for now, but the present I really just DON'T know what to do with it.
Any thoughts from anyone would hopefully be helpful.
Jackie, thank you so much for your support you have no idea how much it means to me and thank you for the Letter you got. I also don't know if I should send him a copy of that. I know he'll see alot of what "I did wrong" in there as he seems to thrive on pointing out these things to me.
Thanks so much
Micki

[keds]

Jackie, I too would like to say thanks for the letter. My husband, bdad, is having a hard time wrapping his mind around reunion so I've printed it out to give to him to read. I'm sure it will help him quite a bit.

Micki, my first thought is send it anyway but, if your son really doesn't want any contact, and is finding fault in you and your actions, I would hesitate sending anything. I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

[hollyhunter]

Hi Jackie,
I made a copy of that letter and may send it to my dd also. She told me she needed space and I took her at her word. There was no contact for 5 months. Nothing at Christmas or New Years, then her birthday rolled around. She had told me she was busy and infrequent contact would be ok. I didn't know what she meant so waited for her to make the next move so I'd know how to set the pace. About 3 days after her birthday she wrote me a "whatup?" to let me know she was thinking of me. With the response I've gotten so far, I have pretty much given up on having that dreamed of relationship and realized I got what I needed most anyway(to know she was ok).I had resigned myself to moving on. When she wrote me I felt so bad about ignoring her birthday( I thought of nothing else the whole day). She said she understood my reason. I really was trying to respect her wishes and afraid to make a move in any direction. I felt I had overwhlmed her and my timing was all off just to pop into her life.It seems I screw up every time I do and even when I don't. I'm glad she's seems so understanding and hope she doesn't secretly resent me for not acknowleging her birthday.

[KarenShrader]

Thanks Keds, yes he does seem to want to find fault with any and everything I've said and done, at least thats the way it feels to me. But being in my shoes, maybe I'm being too sensitive. I just never know how to feel or how to take anything. I feel like I'm completely confused as what to do ANYTHING regarding him. I really wish I had done some research regarding how to handle reunions. Still haven't figured out what to do with the gift.
Thanks for the support!

[funnymetaxa2]

hi karen,
i really do feel for you, you are not alone,i know what you are going through as i am there too. it is difficult to understand why my son searched for me, then after a couple of months wanted no further contact. through reading posts on this wonderful forum i am understanding how traumatic a journey reunion is for all in the triad.i also have presents... from my holidays in october 2006 and for birtdays and christmas of the same year - for my son and his wife and two beautiful children. i told my son i would do whatever he wanted, so when he said no contact i felt i would be forcing contact onto him, so they are wrapped and in my wardrobe - can,t bring myself to give them to anyone else.i sent a christmas card this year in the vain hope that he may contact me. i need him to know i love him and the door is open to contact me.
i too have been very depressed , life often as not been worth living . so many emotions , questions, things unsaid, thankyou jackie for the Letter - i read and re-read it last night, it really helps.
IMO only - i may be wrong, i think we should honour our childrens wishes and consider their feelings before our own, they did not ask for all this and we should protect them regardless!!! be patient not easy as we do not know if they will ever want to see us again. i try not to contemplate never see-ing my son and grand-children again. TIME IS A GREAT HEALER so true my bad days are getting fewer and i have found ways to cope - i am usually plugged in to my music. it diverts my thoughts to happier things.
i hope this has helped a bit, sorry for rambling.
i hope and pray we can all find peace no matter what happens. i hope that our sons and daughters will feel able to contact us and we can all be happy. do dreams come true? i hpoe so.
lots of love and thanks to you all, you have helped me so much.
love jean x

[Jackiejdajda]

Such a good thread..

When I felt that my bson did not want any part of me.. I wrote him an letter saying I was here if he wanted to know me.. and all was well..

He called me back.. a year or so later.. saying he did want to know me..

Now the crux of this for me.. is that I can now be me in the relationship.. I can give myself permission to be me.. when in contact with him..

The good the bad and the ugly.. and the codependent.. and the worry wart.. and all that other stuff..
I am a person of the first order.. and I matter.. and I did the very best I could when I was pregnant with him.. no blame.. no darn blame..

I do not know about sending the gifts or not.. It is very scary.. to send a gift into a situation such as this..
I sent him a painting that I did when I was looking for him.. a personal thing.. an invasive thing.. and maybe this is the worry..
But he said he liked the painting.. It was done in our local museum of women Buda’s from China.. carved from wood..
I would go to this room to meditate when I did not know where he was.. and the painting was done in a watercolor class..

I got so sick of the worries in early reunion.. I got so incredibly sick of them.. I got sick of looking for emails.. worrying that they were lost in a spam box.. I had to take care of me..

I had to put me first.. and if sending the gifts Micki will put you back in the worry hell.. don’t send them.. ah.. that’s maybe the answer..

Take care of you.. give yourself a brake.. or break.. Oh jeez I can never get those words correct.. but they apply here..

That place of worry as to whether doing the right thing or not is hell.. I could not live in that place.. Maybe the back of the closet is the right place.. for those gifts.. because if you do break contact right now.. as per his request.. you can back off and take a breather.. and talk with us.. and sort what happened.. get it straight in your mind and heck not blame yourself.. thinking you had done something wrong.. negative thinking personified..

You are a person of the first order.. that’s an affirmation..

I am so glad that letter helped everyone.. it sure helped me.. when I needed it..

This post is disjointed because I was doing stream of thought writing.. what I love to do.

Jackie

[KarenShrader]

Thanks Jackie. I too have thought of writing him a letter saying basically the same as you did to your son. But....seeing as how this only happened a couple of weeks ago I dont know if it's too soon..for him, to hear from me. How long after he cut contact did you write the letter?
I really want to write it but again, don't want to make matters worse for the whole situation. How long should I wait b4 sending the letter? I know I have to keep it short and to the point and keep all of MY emotions out of it or else he'll just be put off by it and I don't want to do that. And again, he will probably see the letter as ANOTHER point of my disrespect of his wishes. I'm hoping if I wait a while, maybe closer to his birthday (march 2) it may be better. What I do know is that for ME, I won't feel better until I know that I've let him know that regardless of all that has happened, my door and heart are still open to him and always will be. Unfortunately, his temperament is a lot like his birth father's (not a good thing) who tends to hold grudges and everyone ELSE is at fault for everything. Thats the last I'll talk of his Bdad. Not good memories, not a good person.
I am so glad I found this thread and all of you. You have all been such a help to me. And my Dr. has me on anti-depressants and they are finally starting to help.
And thank you Jean for telling of your experience with the gifts. I guess I'll keep them for now. Another option I have is to give them to my daughter to send to him but I'm thinking that she may say "why would I send him a birthday present when he's barely talking to me?" So most likely they'll be put in the closet.
After the letter is sent I will try to put it out of my mind as best i can and hope for the best. I am happy for you Jackie, that your son recontacted you after a year. I certainly don't hold out any hope that my son would contact me in any less time than that, if ever. But at least he'll know he can. When we met I gave him a letter I wrote to him a couple of years after giving him up, in the hopes that one day I'd be able to give it to him and thankfully I did on the night we met. I told him in that letter as well, that I will always love him etc.... One thing he did do that made me feel good at the time was he said the letter made him cry. But that was while we were still on the emotional "HIGH" and happy about meeting. I just hope he'll take the next letter as well. Not cry or anything but just accept it and not react in anger, but if he does, he does, there is nothing I can do about it, nor will I even know what his reaction is unless he responds which he vowed he'd never do again. Except in anger. So with that said I hope he doesn't respond, just reads it and keeps it at the back of his mind. I wish there were a way for me to let him know about this website and the forums, maybe they could help him as much as you all have helped me.
I hope this all makes sense as I feel as if I'm rambling, just typing my thoughts as they come.
Thank you all so much for everything. I'll be back
Hugs to all
Karen

[hollyhunter]

Karen,
I think it will be good to find some resolution on your own in this matter as you seem to be trying to do. Our children cannot heal us or give us resolution. Only God can do that. Your son has a lot of anger and anger is a way to get some "contol" over whatever pain we may be experiencing. I am getting a lot from this thread also as we all are about the same place in our journey. I think its my ultimate goal to let go. Well, let go of the pain because I will never let my child go in my heart. I understand she can't fit me in her life right now. She may never find a place for me and I will accept that because I have to. I think it is the uncertainty that has been the worst part of it all anyway. As I begin to see certainty that I will never be in her life I can began to accept that. You seem to have al least had some meaningful dialogue with your son.He seems to at least be able to express honest emotion, anger and sadness. If you let him alone he may very well come around. He may not so best not to expect it. I am at a point now where I can say I don't expect anything at all. It has been such a painful experience for me so far I really will do whatever to make the pain stop if that means walking away completely and not looking back.