[Jackiejdajda]

I just finished reading a thread in this forum about birthmoms refusing contact.. Or not wanting to work out the hard hard issues of reunion..

We want so darn much from each other.. Be it birthmom or adoptee or amom or dad or fill in the blanks..

Why does a woman become cold? (I would love some shares on that one) Why does she pick one child over another? Why does she abandon a seven year old and then keep the rest of her children? I don't think this can be answered.. I don't think it can be answered by the person doing the deed..

We act and re-act to life.. And some times we are ashamed.. And some times we just realize that we are weak and we allow others to control what we do.. How does one own up to all of that?

We are all human.. We all mess up.. We all need to get out of ourselves and see that no one gets it right.. I believe.

I would love to hear others thoughts on this.. here forgiveness thing..


Jackie

[Amy2U]

I too have had to forgive my b/mom and a/mom for the life that I had growing up.

But, doing that was easy. I have issues. Emotional ones, w/ my b/mom and a/mom. Not forgiveness ones, because I dealt w/ FORGIVENESS, on July 16, 1989. . . . .

My life up til the time I was 14 was full of upheaval and torment from being born, to having birth defects to my adopted family.

My brother and his wife had come up to visit the family in July of 1989, after they took a trip to Brazil for 2 wks. My brother on a Sunday afternoon asked me if I wanted to come to church w/ him and his wife that night. I'D NEVER BEEN TO CHURCH BEFORE! We weren't a church going family, so I was wondering what they were going for.

We get there and my brother and sis in law show the congregation their Brazil pictures, (that I'd already seen at the house) and then the Pastor preached, and I zoned out.

After the service, my brother who is 6'7" asked, "Do you want to talk to the pastor?" "What for?" I thought. But, I always respected my oldest brother. He never hurt me or made fun of me, and he'd even take me on his dates and stuff, just to get me out of the house I think.

So, I went to talk to the pastor. He asked, "What do you think of your life." I told him that home isn't the greatest but I'd be done highschool in 4 yrs. He asked me if I knew where I was going when I die. I said, "I hope Heaven." But, I always had the superstition that if I stepped on a crack I'd go to Hell, or if I did a really bad thing, hope was gone.

He then explained to me that even though I thought I was a good person, I really wasn't. That I was a sinner, because of Adam and Eve's sin. I knew about Adam and Eve a little bit from my Bible Story books, that you see in the doctor's office. I came home from school one day in grade 3 and ripped them up telling God I hated Him for making me ugly, and not giving me any friends.

Anyhow, back to my story. . .
He shared with me that all mankind were sinners deserving Hell at death, and that from the days of old, people would bring sacrifices to an altar for FORGIVENESS of their sins. But, then God had HIS SON, Jesus come to earth, to live a human life and be SACRIFICED on the cross for FORGIVENESS of all mankind's sins, whoever would accept that gift of SALVATION.


Romans 3:23
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Ro 5:12
Wherefore, as by one man [Adam]sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:

Ro 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord

Ro 5:17
For if by one man's offence [Adam] death reigned by one; much more they which receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Jesus Christ.

Ro 5:19
For as by one man's disobedience [Adam] many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous


He told me that I needed to believe that I was a sinner, who could be SAVED BY GRACE, through the FORGIVENESS of SIN, by accepting Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.

Romans 10:9
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that
God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be
saved.

John 1:12
But as many as received him, to them gave he
power to become the sons of God, even to
them that believe on his name


I didn't want to go to Hell. And he also told me that once I confessed myself as a sinner and believed on the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, I would have a home in ETERNAL HEAVEN when I died. No matter what I did from that day on, I would have access to the Father through Jesus Christ in prayer, but that all my sins were forgiven already. The Holy Spirit would indwell me and help me grow to not sin on a regular basis, like I did before. I would never lose my salvation.

Ephesians 1:13
In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the
Word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in
whom also after that ye believed, ye were
sealed with that holy Spirit of promise,

Where does this all fit in with HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE ELSE?

Well. . . . .
After I got saved, I wasn't allowed to go to church for about a yr. then when I did go to church, I really didn't grow in the Lord, and I was depressed, wanted to die and GO TO HEAVEN RIGHT AWAY.

That ofcourse didn't happen. I went to a Christian College in Sept. '93 . .and on Feb. 14th, 1994 I was in my dorm room again, BEING CONVICTED by the Lord, "You need to forgive your a/mother for all she did to you." See, I didn't speak to her for 2 FULL YEARS. Once I moved out, that was it. I wanted nothing to do w/ the woman. But, the Lord took me to these verses:

1John 1:8
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. "Amy, YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, BUT I FORGAVE YOU!!!"

1John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

"Amy, I forgive you ALL THE TIME, you are my child."

Isaiah 53:5
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Lu 23:34
Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

"Amy, look at what my SON went through for YOU! Your mum doesn't know my love and doesn't have my Son as her Savior, SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO YOU."

I realized that night, I needed to FORGIVE MY A/MOTHER for the pain and abuse that I went through not only from her, but what she allowed too. (YOU CAN SEE MY THREAD, "The Strength to Move On, and The Strenght to Move On (Continued)" because Jesus Christ died for all sins including hers, and how was I ever going to be a TESTIMONY of God's Forgiveness and love, if I didn't talk to her and be in her life.

My dad, right before he died received Christ as His Savior in the hospital. He had told me a few months prior, "daughter, I know the Bible is true, I"m just not ready yet." But before he died, I asked him if he was going to Heaven, and he shook his head yes and whispered, "I love you" in my ear. That was Sept. 1997

But, on Feb. 14, 1994, I called my a/mother and said, "I have asked the Lord to forgive me for all the words and actions I did before you when I lived at home, out of anger and resentment. I do not agree with the way you raised me, and I never will, but I need to FORGIVE YOU, because of the forgiveness Jesus bestowed on all mankind, and that I've accepted His gift of forgiveness and salvation."

She didn't know what to say. She was very happy I called, she said, "your dad will be thrilled when he knows you called." He was at the gym. She said she was willing to have a relationship with me and she wouldn't put me down anymore for who I was and we could be friends.

That is what we are friends. She's still not saved, and I pray for her every night. I think she is getting close though, 'cause she asks a lot of questions, and she really likes my husband, and she's been very against Christianity for many many years.

Plus, I found out in June/July that she KNEW my grandfather was molesting me, and ALLOWED IT TO GO ON FOR 4 YRS. I was pretty upset this summer, but I didn't confront her, I"ve been trying to heal from that and I do forgive her. It just hurts. She's too old for me to confront, and she would deny it. It would be no use. I have to be the stronger person and move on.

That's what this website has done for me. Oh, am I burdened. Yes. Do I get depressed yes. Do I wish Christi Bender was right here in my house so I could JUST EXPLODE and cry for days without STOPPING, 'cause I dont' understand all these feelings inside me, yes.

But, my BIRTH MOM and my Adoped Mother, I CAN FORGIVE, with no problems, because I WAS FORGIVEN!!!!! And my ETERNITY rests on it.

Those reading this may have never been presented the Gospel as I just did, but it was from my heart. It's the truth of how I forgave. There was the question so I took the opportunity to share my salvation and FORGIVENESS with YOU ALL.

If you want that FORGIVENESS in your life, and you want to know for sure that your Eternity would be in Heaven and not in a Lake of fire
Revelation 20:15
And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.

You can pray a simple prayer from your heart, not even this prayer, but something like this:

Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner and that I deserve Hell in death. I believe the Word of God to be True and that You are God's Son who came to live here on earth, and die a SACRIFICIAL death for the REMISSION of my sins. I believe you rose again 3 days later to prove that YOU ARE GOD.
I confess my sins today, and ask you to forgive me from my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness, and receive me as your child.
I thank you for YOUR FORGIVENESS, and may I now move on to grow in YOUR WORD and YOUR likeness through the power of your Holy Spirit that is now in me.
In Jesus Name, Amen

Anyone reading this: I don't know if you are BORN AGAIN, into the body of Christ, if not, I PROMISE you, if you ask Jesus to FORGIVE YOU, the forgiveness for your a/mom and b/mom will JUST BE THERE!!! IT WILL BE A BIG RELIEF OFF YOUR SHOULDERS, as it was mine. The Holy Spirit will move you in such a way, you will forgive.

If you are a Born Again believer in Christ, then search those verses I typed on forgiveness. It was just another day of college, at night, by myself and God just spoke to me about my a/mother, and are things perfect with us? . . .

They are civil. We talk atleast once a week. I am here for her, and the things that I'm struggling with now, I have the Lord and adoption.com to help me through.

If any of you prayed this after reading my post, please PM me or post here, letting me know that we are sisters/brothers in Christ and the BIG RELIEF that comes from HIS FORGIVENESS.

God Bless, and I thank the Lord for all you kindred spirits for helping through my own battles right now.

I sincerely hope I was a help for someone here as you all have been to me.

Christi, I'M NOT OUT OF THE WOODS yet. Writing this post, made me EMOTIONAL again, and wishing for that PERSONAL LOVE from my b/mother.

[Benedicta]

Thank you Ladies .

Jackie ....I always love to read your thoughts ! They make me think & wonder .

Amy, thank you also for sharing your faith ! A powerful testimony .The TRUTH will set you free . ( I will print those beautiful verses along w/ your story ).

My understanding of forgiveness is that " to err is human, to forgive is divine".
So,I see forgiveness as beyond human capability (that's been true in my lived experience , at least ) .And yet unforgiveness is like a malignant lesion that spreads illness ; physically , mentally , emotionally, & spiritually
It can cause a heart to grow cold & hardened .

We are all wounded creatures , or as Amy correctly says, sinners . And so I ask God to please give me His grace to forgive the person that hurt me . Over & over . And I ask also that those I hurt will forgive me .

I like the verse that says " Love covers a multitude of sins ". Hopeful !

And for me, when I feel hurt or offended by someone's behavior, it is like a red flag (eventually). It tells me that I need to seek God's mercy , seek His grace of forgiveness that I might be merciful to the person who hurt me .
Mercy is treating someone better than they deserve.

For me , there are some issues that keep needing forgiveness ,over & over .

My mother died 17 days ago . I hope I have finally forgiven her & my family for not helping me keep my baby.
And I hope they have forgiven my hardnes of heart toward them for many years .

BTW: please may I ask for your prayers that my son , whose 38th Birthday is this Thursday will contact me . I've placed some ads in the newspapers for this week & have been looking for him since he was 18 .I have been registered at the Adoption Registry in Ontario all these years ,but he has not registered .
I long to know what happened to him . To know that he is loved by his family & loves them .

Thank you .

benedicta

[Montraviatommyg]

Benedicta, I certainly keep you and your son in my prayers as reunion has given me a peace of mind.

Forgiveness for me has been more to do with my parents and it took reunion with my son to learn to forgive them. This took months as I hadn't realized the extent of my anger towards them and what they had put me through. I was also angry for them lying to him about not knowing where I was for years and not telling me they had contact with him. In effect they delayed our reunion by almost three years.

For a while I even pitied them as they don't realize the damage they have done nor will they ever.

Pip

[Benedicta]

Pip, I hear you !!!!

The hardest people to forgive are the ones we love the most, because they have the most power to hurt us....

I can relate to your incredible hurt & anger that your own family would keep your son from you .... It just reinforces my experience that some family members just " don't get it" about our needs regarding our 'lost' children ! Some won't ever get it ! It boggles my mind , cause they have children . It should not be a big leap for them to imagine how we might feel .
That's what I meant when I said, that some things in my life need to be forgiven , over & over ....cause the 'offences' ( lack of their support or interest ) keep on coming !
So, for me , seeking forgiveness for them & me can sometimes be a daily 'work'.

Thanks so much for your prayers on behalf of me & my lost son, Pip . A great gift & consolation to me. Gives me hope .
Plus, I am feeling a lot better today...was threatening to sink into depression yesterday that usually grabs hold of me annually around the days marking his birth . That's a big change this year for me,( last year I took to my bed for 10 days & had to postpone a visit to my family as I could not be around them when the darkness of feeling the loss sets in).
A sign of all the help I have received from so many! Thank You Dear Lord for all the people on the forum

b

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Benedicta

My mother died 17 days ago . I hope I have finally forgiven her & my family for not helping me keep my baby.
And I hope they have forgiven my hardnes of heart toward them for many years .

I am so sorry for your loss.. I had such a hard time with my mom when she was alive.. but I swear she went and found my son after she died.. I know she likes him and I know she is there..

I sent an etching that she did and a painting that I did the first year I could send him a gift.. When I went to visit them a few years later.. there was my moms etching on the mantel place.. and bsons wife said she loved my moms name..

I spoke at my moms funeral.. I read from one of Marianne Williamson’s book… I thanked her for her gifts..

Your bson is in Ontario.. My daughter went out with a man who is adopted (Toronto).. He is younger than your boy.. but I loved him.. I had him over for turkey dinner more than a a few times and I always gave him a hug..
He was not good for my daughter and they split up.. but for you and other mothers like you and me.. I gave that fellow lots of love..
He has not searched.. His adad just died and he is not in a good place.. (last I knew) He also said he could not deal with the office workers at the place a person goes to in Ontario to search.. and he did not like the rules..

My bson was born in 1965 and he found me in 1999.. He was 35 when he wanted to know me.. He looked at his children and decided that he wanted to know about his roots.. I had left my tracks all over the net.. all over the web search sites.. He was and is computer literate.. Basically he is very happy and finding me was not a priority..

I remember when my mom died.. I remember my grief for mom got lost in my grief for my son (not found yet)… If this is happening to you .. know you are not alone..

Jackie

[Benedicta]

Dear Jackie,

What a blessing your words are to my heart tonite !
Especially what you said about you & your Mom& her finding your son ! I can easily believe this. What a wonder !

Actually I have been having similar thoughts .

We too had a rough relationship - got worse after the baby ! Then have had a period of gradual healing , but we never really resolved the tension between us regarding my son . I reconciled my self to that a few years ago...still had the power to hurt though.

But now, I feel totally renewed in our relationship . Forgiveness comes easy now that I know she understands !!!
Interestingly enough, the day my dad died I found out I was pregnant ! Death & new life frequently occur almost simultaneously in families.
None of my babies survived , except for my first .

My mother's funeral was quite beautiful actually. All 7 of her kids spoke as well as others. Very informal, spontaneous,intimate (family only-50 were there) .We all told stories about her. It was wonderful ! We laughed & cried.

Thank you for loving the adopted ones . Me too. My son-in-law (48) is adopted & he actually has an aversion to the thought of searching. Refuses to do so.
So I give him special attention. I call him my 'virtual son'.

I will be reflecting more on your observation re the grief of one loss getting lost in the other loss . Yep, that could be happening.

Thanks again for your kindness .

b

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Benedicta

Especially what you said about you & your Mom& her finding your son ! I can easily believe this. What a wonder !

Actually I have been having similar thoughts .

I used to be into crows.. When/where I lived in Toronto there were many.. They loved the ravine near my house.. (east end)
A spiritual friend told me that I should write my wish or prayer on a piece of paper and tie it to a tree.. I did not do that but I did sit in the ravine and pray for help in finding my son.. And I would yell at the crows..(must not leave that part out)

Sylvia Brown said sometimes the spirits send birds..

Anyway.. My bson found me out of the blue.. an email came years after I had given up.. it was just before Christmas..

We wrote back and forth wondering if it was a match and then (in the middle of the nite) I remembered that I had his aparents non identifying info.. I sat and typed it up.. and sent it..
The next morning I woke up.. and there was his email with his phone number saying we were a match!!
I phoned around ten o’clock.. (he is on the west coast.. ) or maybe eleven.. When I first spoke to him.. our front yard filled with crows.. my husband was downstairs and marvelled at it..

I believe in my heart of hearts it was my mom.. being joyous with me..

Mom could not handle her emotions.. she could not deal with them.. I wrote in another post… that I visited my dad in the nursing home today.. he is very sick.. I told him I loved him and he was the best dad in the whole wide world… “Nooo” he said.. “shhhh” “I am not dying.”
I smile when I think of this.. he is ninety years old and will not give up..

Thanks for letting me share and thanks for understanding what I am writing..

Jackie

[Benedicta]

Dear Jackie,

What a phenomenal story ! I'm a believer in 'magic' . In signs & wonders ! They offer me many consolations in life. I appreciate the 'knowing' you describe.

There was a time in my younger life, when I studied crows , as a 'hobby' ,in their natural habitat as well as the mythology surrounding them.
My husband of 28 yrs was an ornithologist ( 'bird man' ) when I first met him . We were/are into birds, into nature.
I had cousins in Toronto whom I visited as a small child. Their ravine was a most exciting place !
I now live in the woods , in the hills of West Virginia . Very quiet & wonderfully peaceful .

May I ask your son's age & his age at your reunion ? And how long you have been in reunion ? Too nosey?

What you say about your mother was true for my Mom also .
Like you seem to be , I was close to my Dad.
And here you are , being w/ your Dad during the years of his failing health . A daughter. And in reunion w/ your son, a mother !

b

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Benedicta

There was a time in my younger life, when I studied crows , as a 'hobby' ,in their natural habitat as well as the mythology surrounding them.
My husband of 28 yrs was an ornithologist ( 'bird man' ) when I first met him . We were/are into birds, into nature.

I made myself sick keeping the secrets.. I ended up locked up in my house and only going out when I had to get groceries etc.
I went for therapy.. and asked for help..

She asked me (in the therapy) what animal I would be.. if I were one..
And she said to think about it.. I smile even now.

I said Crow.. and I told her that the reason I wanted to be crow was because crow is incredibly strong and loud.. and crow can fly away..
At that time I had an image of crow with visceral in its beak..

Strong as it can be..

The crows stayed with me for a few years after that.. then we had the west Nile virus and the crows left..
But.. and this was strange.. my bson came and visited my home.. he was in Toronto on business and we connected up..(I took him to meet my dad) Soooo when we got out of the car.. there was a crow standing on the ground looking up at him.. I said to him.. “There is crow.”

When they left I kind of lost them.. We have some out here.. (I am in Prince Edward County now..near Kingston) but not a lot..

Dad died last nite.. Today hubby and I went for a drive and we saw a lot of hawks.. I found that interesting..

Jackie

[Benedicta]

Dear Jackie ,

I'm sorry about the loss of your Dad . My condolences to you & yours.

Wan't it wonderful that you had a chance to tell him he was the best Dad ?

So, you live near Kingston . A beautiful area!
I have an elderly aunt that lives there.
I always enjoyed the scenery along the drive between Kingston & Ottawa.

Crows are said to be the brightest of birds ,are communal & post a sentinel when they feed. Where I live, their calls are close ( as they check out my garden). It seems as if they are communicating w/ each other .

May your journey of living w/out your father be a time of love & healing.

Peace & blessings to you Jackie...

b

[dpen6]

Jackie,

Please accept my condolences on your Dad. I know he was 90...and hopefully lived a full life. Its very hard to lose a parent no matter what age they are.

I am sorry
Donna

[Jackiejdajda]

I seem to be okay.. The poor man was having such a hard time.. He said to me once.."This is awful."

Maybe I am still in shock.. but mostly I am wanting to get on with my life now.. I want to do the Artist Way again.. I want to start morning pages.. I want to start painting.. What my dad wanted me to do..

When I was a little girl I did a pastel of a horse.. One of those horse potraits.. Dad loved that picture.. He wanted to make sure it was preserved and he sprayed it with fixative and he sprayed too much..
It went dark and was ruined.... He was so sad..

My dad was a good man.. I remember when I was very worried about the state of Florida changing birthdates.. Worried that I would not find my son.. Dad said to me.."We went to a good place Jackie.. We made sure."

And when I wanted to register open for contact.. mom and dad drove all around Miami looking for St Vincent Maternity and adoption center.. They always wanted to help me..

He met my bson..

I have only posted about my dad on this thread..

Thanks guys..

Jackie

[Montraviatommyg]

Jackie,

I am in the process of catching up and belated condolences from me, my prayers are with you.

Hugs
Pip

[Jackiejdajda]

Thanks Pip..

I seem to be hiding this news in one thread.. I do not know how I feel today.. My husband had an eye operation yesterday and my son is here.. They are watching the basketball.. I am enjoying being with my family..

Jackie