[jojo1948]

Hi,
My bson contacted me almost 2 years ago and it has been touch and go since then. He told me he only contacted me for medical info but I believe there are other reasons. He tells me all the time I am not his mother and there is not hope of us getting close. I need some help in trying to understand this. Please help.

[sspete]

JoJo....

I am So sorry this is happening for you. It is so hard to want contact So bad, and yet the other side of the triad does not. There is no doubt that this happens a lot, and sadly enough there is really no way to change the feelings and choices of others. While there is no real easy way to begin healing yourself, another memeber of the forum ChristiBender once told me to write everything in a journal that I wanted to say to my bdaughter. Buy every card I wanted to send her just don't send it. This in away helps you to cope with all of the things you want to say to him, but feel you can't.

Since he has made it clear he does not want a relationship with you, write him a final letter to let him know you will always be there for him if he changes his mind. This way he is secure in the fact that you care for him, and the ball is in his court.

I wish you the very best. Please know that you will be in my thougts and prayers. ((((((Hugs))))))

Staci

[MissScarletLa]

With adoption and reunion all of them are different. There is always that wonder whether the person you will meet will be anything like you or nothing like you. It all requires patience alot of love and beyond all alot of understanding. I've been through 2 Read that again TWO reunions with 2 adopted siblings that my mother gave up. So this has been no picnic in the park for me either. I've had to share every inch of my life with 2 people I hardly knew and did it lovingly. Not because I had to but because I wanted to. Now I am the only one of the 3 of us me and my 2 sibling that were given up for adoption that have children. I have more to keep my eyes out for and more reasons than just myself to be careful of. I have 2 small sons that are my number 1 priority.

Speaking of the post that I read that bashed me quite nicely about adoptees feelings. Let me tell you something I have been there when an adoptee is rejected and seen the horro that goes through there soul. I know how badly it hurts. But tell me do you have kids? I understand completely what the word family means. Even with the word familyand all it means, would you allow a family member to smoke dope around your children? Would you even want them to be around your children? My children are at an impressionable age and all that needs to happen is for one of them to go back to school and say they saw there Aunt smoking Dope and guess who is held accountable ME. End of story. Is any family member worth loosing my children over No way! My children come first.

I've tried loving her. I've tried talking to her about her problem and getting help, she refuses to admit she even has a problem and then goes into a rage and starts accussing me of having a mental problem because I won't let this go. 2 Months later thats when she made up this fake rehap story adn I now know its fake after speaking to her brother. Her adopted brother and I are about to confront her adopted mother about her drug problem and try to get her some professional help. If thats not love then I don't know what is.

The bottom line is the younger sister searched for my family I knew nothing about her. She has lied to my family and her own repeatedly. On my wedding day she started smoking pot in front of my family like it was nothing. She was neither ashamed of it or proud of it. The bottom line here is if she doesn't get help she will be dead within a year.

MissScarletLa

[MissScarletLa]

Sorry Jojo

Somehow when I was replying in length I thought I was replying to my own reunion story. My humble apologies.

Dear Ms. Jojo,

With any reunion when you are starting out, the best that any birthparent or birth family member can hope for is to be friends. The child will always think of there mom as the person that has tucked them in at night and took care of them when they were sick. I don't know how old your child is, but there also may be some issues with the adoptive mom and some jealousy there. It does happen. My best advice would be to contact him/ or her with no expectation except maybe just to make a new friend that way you don't set your self up for to big of a let down if it doesn't go well. Just take it day by day, maybe start with a phone call and perhaps suggest trading emails and pictures and see where it goes from there. Don't let too much time go by, because your child will feel like you gave him up twice. Despite the reasoning.


Hope it helps,

Miss Scarlet LA

[jojo1948]

Hi all thanks for the input. i do write my thoughts down and I have also gotten him cards.The problem is that if he doesn't want anything to do with me why doesn't he end this situation? I don't know but I think he pitys me. And that is something I don't want. I tried to end this situation but he always says things to me to make me change my mind. I love him with all my heart and he can't understand why. I have always been honest with him but he avoids alot of my questions. I have tried to be friends with him but his definition of friendship is for me to wait till hes ready to do anything.I will not put my life on hold for him. My feelings toward him are turning to hate and I really don't want that. Thanks all for listening.

JOJO

[Robinsmom]

JOJO,
I can relate, I am a recently reunited birthmother, I too am confused. My daughter and I were both searching at the same time, we we united by a search angel. The first few days were great, we e-mailed pictures, and talked via e-mail everyday, I could not wait to get to the computor. I would write long e-mails, pages full of information I thought she would like, I did not pry, I was warned not to, to let her tell me where this was leading, I did not ask alot of questions, I anwsered all her questions honestly, even though some of them, I wish I could have lied about. She would reply with breif responces, and did not acknowledge most of what I said. She has never mentioned meeting, or even a phone call, so I took this to mean she was not ready. I was so excited and happy, that I think I was pushing myself on her, and that she too, felt sorry for me. I am at a loss as to what to do, the e-mail I sent yesterday, remains unanwsered, and I don't know if I should send another or to just wait it out. There is no way, we can prepare ourselves for all of this, I feel like I have failed again somehow. Just remember, you are not alone.
Robinsmom

[MissScarletLa]

Jojo,

Don't look at his words, look at his actions. He may be telling you he wants nothing to do with you but he isn't giving up on you. Deep down inside because he does want something to do with you, he may very well be confused about how to approach it. Stop asking so many specific questions and just start asking the easy ones like what do you like to do? What are your hobbies? Just make it very easy for him to talk to you. This is almost like a teenager trying to talk to a mom about sex. LOL They are scared and most of all embarassed. In this case he is feeling scared that if he says the wrong thing the relation ship is over and end of story.

I searched for 11 years and met many adoptees and have been there through the waiting to make contact and found out what they fear most. Even when I made contact with Adoptive sibling number 1 I remember how I felt. Its a combination of scared, excited, petrified, overwhelmed, horrified of rejection, and happy beyond all belief. The first thing everyone tells you when you are the one searching is to take it slow and on there terms. He may very well be taking it slow and trying to give you hope for fear that you may be the one to run. Adoptess fear most being rejected again. I've been reunited with 2 (TWO ) adopted sisters. The best thing I can say to you is don't expect to much at first. You have to look at him as a stranger, (even though you gave birth to him) and start a relationship with him on those pretences. I know that sounds tough but if you do it that way its easier.

I might suggest if you have his email address sending him a long email or letter with his updated medical history. Why he was given up and that even though you gave him up you have always remembered him and thought of him and loved him every year of his life. If he isn't being forthcoming with you at least you can be forthcoming with him. Say everything and anything you want him to know but don't get to emotional in it because after all he is a man. If his A mom is still alive the last thing he needs is 2 emotional mothers. Then wait and see what happens. There is more to this story than you know he may just be afraid and uncertain of how to approach it with you. You have to remember he searched for you that should tell you something.

The different adoptive families that adopted my 2 sisters were told my mother was 15 had no education when she gave them up. Granted during the 1st adoption she was just out of high school and her fiancee was killed in Viatnam, but when she gave my younger sister up she was 25 had graduated from college with 2 BA's and 4 minors. You don't know what he has been told about you and you are the only one that can set the record strait. Talk to you son. Even if its only as a friend and make sure you include the words I will always be here if you need to talk. Leave the door open.

Even though I have had an unpleasant reunion I still love my sister and I am hopeful that she will clean her act up. I still left that door open and I pray one day she will walk back through it as the person I love but without the addictions.

All my prayers are with you.

Miss ScarletLa
Terri

[ashleyminamom]

My prayers and thoughts are with you. I am so sorry things aren't so positive for you right now. But, I truly believe that with God all things are possible. And , faith is all I have to hold on to.
My daughters Ashley and Mina were adopted two years ago. The adoptive parents promised I could still write and see them. And they broke their word.
Then a friend of mine tried to deliver a present to my daughter today. And the other mother threatened to have her arrested and said I was a bad mother. And the saddest part was this was my daughter Mina's eighth birthday and she was watching all this drama. My friend said my little girl looked so sad. This just broke my heart. All I wonder is what these people must be like behind closed doors.
Trust your gutt instinct. If something is wrong with your child , don't give up. Let him know your side of the story and most importantly , pray.
Best wishes and good luck.
Susana M. Regan

[MissScarletLa]

I am so sorry that the Adoptive parents broke there word. It was wrong for an 8 year old to see that much drama over a gift that was sent with good intentions. If they won't let you see the child or speak to the child or give a gift from you then send a gift from no return address to the child for birthdays and X-mas. Either way its for the child not about the parents. They promised you contact and they broke that promise not you. You held up your end of the bargain they haven't. I'd be concerned what goes on when no-one is around.

Just my opinion

With God all things are possible

Terri

[GMH]

JoJo

I can relate I recently found my birth mother but unlike you it seems she wants nothing to do with me .We spoke once on the phone she said she loved me ,which for me is hard to take because I don't know her.Its different for the mothers because you guys built a bond in the 9 months of carrying us.Anyway cutting a long story short somepeople found out from reading her
emails that didn't know anything about me ,my fault beause I didn't encrypt the emails .I have heard anything for three weeks
she says she needed time in her last email and her brother said she has issues with telling her daughter .Viewing it the way you did the issues should not be stopping her from talking to me .But then I ask myself what do I want from this woman ,medical history
is probably top of the list as I have a son know who had some serious illnesses which I felt guilty for not having any medical history I couldn't confirm for the Doctors anything because I didn't know if I was adopted or not at this point but did suspect it.(adoption only confirmed march this year when one of parents died) It made me feel really bad eventhough it was out of my control .So it was medical history that started me off maybe thats
what I should have kept it to save alot of hurt feelings and the grubby little secret getting out.

I may sound bitter and its probably my own fault lining myself
up for the sucker punch,I probably should have done alot more
thinking and before I start searching for my b-father I will.

[ashleyminamom]

Dear Ms. Scarletla,
I as you am seriously wondering what happens in that house when no one is around. I picture the sadness in my daughter's face now everyday.
I wish there was something I could do to find out but, what?
I am trying to find out if there really is a thing called sibling rights in illinois.
I heard that siblings have the right to see each other after adoption. If you come acrossed any info. please could you let me know.
God Bless and Thankyou,
Susana M. Regan

[ashleyminamom]

I commend you on your efforts. I am sorry it seems so rough for you to have any relations with your biological family. I can only hope my girls will look for me and want me after all of this. I pray for everyone struggling with adoption issues. It isn't easy and medical history is very important. So , is the love between a mother and her child. And even if things don't go the way you'd like, remember your mom loved you enough to give you a better life. And you turned out great. And you have the love for youur child. God Bless
Susana M. Regan

[jojo1948]

Dear GMH,
Give your birth mother some time. She like you are probably scared and confused. I know after 2 yeqrs I am still confused. There was a time when we didn't talk for 5 months. i somehow made it through that. He contacted me to let me know that I had 2 choices. end our situation now or try to start over. i still haven't given him an answer because I feel he is the one who contacted me and he should make that decision. I feel he doesn't want to be made out the bad guy in the situation. But back to you. I think once she tells her daughter things will be different for you. she does love you and she doesn't want her other daughter to feel rejected. I know I had to tell my other son about this one. He was pretty cool about it. I hope and pray that you get what you want out of the relationship with your bmom.

Jojo

[GMH]

Cheers Guys&Girls

Nice to know there's support around I don't know what I'm going
to do right now I have other issues going on in my life and will just leave her alone ,while she deals with the grubbly little secret (me) having reared his head.I don't say that lightly and I have tried to think whats its like in her shoes but its not working for me .I hope you all get the relationships with your families as you want them but as my a dad has now passed on and I have no chance of contact from either bmom-bfather he doesn't even know I exsist .I will stop searching and worrying right now.

Stay Lucky.

[MissScarletLa]

As a birthsibling that found out at age 17 that I had one adopted sister out there in this vast world I thought it was pretty cool. BUT, I also had many years to adapt and come to love and want to find my sister and bring my family back together. At age 29 It was the SHOCKER of a life time to find out that my mom had another little secret out there I had another Sister that had been given up for adoption. It tore my whole family up as I knew it for awhile.

I guess what I am trying to say is if her children didn't know about you and found out, even by accident and I am not saying its anybody's fault. Your birthmom has more problems in her own household to deal with than she knows what to deal with. BUT< she still doesn't want to lose you either! She just has to get her home life under control. Just give her some time to sort out what is going on and get it settled. She will be back with many apologies and this time you won't be a big secret anymore. This time you will be able to meet your siblings and be an actual part of the family if thats what you want. This might actually be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason. Just remember this!

God bless and god luck

Terri
Sibling reunited with 2 adopted sisters in 2000