[Robinsmom]

Banjo,
What is Rachel? It just happens to be my oldest daughter's name, the one I raised, if it means something else, I would love to know, so i can use it to make her unhappy. She is 26, and and quite full of herself, and I love to be able to tease her, whenever i can. She and I grew up together, as I had her at the old age of 17. We do not have your everday mother-daughter relationship. We have more, i guess kind of a mix, betwwen mother-daughter, and friend. So, please fill me in.
Love,
Colleen


GMH,

Forgive yourself, for the fight, I mean, there is nothing you can do now. I'm sure he knows you adored him. I can tell, and I don't even know him. I'm sure he knew and forgot about the fight, long ago. I know how much you miss him, and I know you would like him to see, that you are honering him, by being as good a father as he was. He does see.
Love,
Colleen

[GMH]

I know the fight was just one of those things.I don't know about being a good father, because only my son can tell me how I'm doing on that one.
While I was away I did abit of thinking about the anger thing and its no good its still there.
I think I always had a good idea I was an adoptee, but think about if I did know and didn't deal with it.Thats 32 years of not understanding anything about and feel rejected at birth.Which if you think about it is a heavy weight for anyone to carry.
With that weight onboard you can understand girls why you get some hostile reponses from your b-kids.
The above is not aimed at anyone personally its just a blurt.

[banjo]

GMH Your quote: "I think I always had a good idea I was an adoptee, but think about if I did know and didn't deal with it.Thats 32 years of not understanding anything about and feel rejected at birth.Which if you think about it is a heavy weight for anyone to carry.
With that weight onboard you can understand girls why you get some hostile reponses from your b-kids."

I think this is another very important point in reunion and us bmothers need to know about the depth of this hurt. The thing is it does very from adoptee to adoptee but GMH please understand that many bmothers are not even aware of the hurt, rejection and abandonment that many adoptees feel. So in reunion you can have both parties drowning in their own pain over the loss. That's why I think bmothers have to be the mature ones and deal with their stuff and not dump it on adoptees. Unfortuately so many bmothers are victims too and therefore it can be a recipe for disaster because neither party understands the other's pain...

It's another reason why I think us bmothers just have to hang in there through the thick and thin of reunion.

Colleen: Ya know: The Rachel out of the American sitcom Friends - remember she got preggie to Ross and they used a condom....I did not watch the last series so not sure how it all ended...

lol Banjo

[GMH]

Banjo

Thats why I wrote what I did so any B-mothers can realise that any age that rejection is hard to deal with .I have asked myself why , what did I do something in a previous life and now this is my punshiment.The other point to note is that adoptee's didn't choose this road and have to deal with being adopted out.
You girls should also remind yourself I have issues with my birth mother thats why your probably see byist side towards adoptees in what I write.
The other point I should have though about is if I was rejected ,adopted out call it what you will at birth what in the world made me think that my b-mother 32 years later would want to have anything to do with me .Don't even think of that as self pity its just logical thinking.
Please beer in mind when talking to your b-kids that things that have grated and upset me the most.
1.You would have loved your Uncles & Aunties and your Grandma
2.I was pushed into it.
3.I have used your birth date as Lottery numbers ,this one is particular cutting it made feel cheap .Hope it brings you more luck than it did me.
4.Your half sister is wonderful ,oh is that why you kept her and not me.
If you read this and think blimey he's angry I'm not I just trying to
stop someone else make the same mistakes.
I can't tell you what to say but the above didn't work with me if anything its another sign to say my a-parents actually did a pretty
good job and I got take my hat off to them for accepting a reject.

Nothing in the above is directed anyone involved in these forums as not intended as anything else but a blurt.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
I used your birthdate on a lottery ticket, come on, like we would say that to anybody. I worry that if I tell her I love her, she will think I am just saying it. I also want to know, what should we say? If you could just tell me that, I would be forever grateful. I have been wanting to know that, ever since I found my daughter. I could give up writng on this forum, if some body could just tell me, what I should say. So far, no takers. So how about you, I think you must have a finger on the pulse of all adoptee's, you tell me. Does that sound angry, sorry just me blurting.
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen

As I said before thats the hardest thing to come up with.You might try standing back and lsitening to what your b kids want and have they have to say.Expaining what happened at the time of the adoption would be good ,no bullsh@# and don't use excuses or try to blame anyone else .Just the truth and try to get understanding across of what you felt at the time it all happened.What happened after the adoption isn't relevant because these are the if's buts and maybe's that will annoy anyone who was adopted and didn't have good a parents.Its like hanging the carrot in front of the donkey that can never be given.That child like me will wonder if they would have had a better time with birth mother,parents and this is mental torture.
A small thought I don't know if this is relevant what reason would a birth mother have to be mad about the whole process it should really only be the adoptee with anger issues.
Also be careful I did read of some adoptee who had a load of issues with his birth mother ,she didn't contact him after the first phone call and a couple of emails ,she wrote him a letter .He wrote on the letter "deceased return to sender".
As I have said before think about what you want from this reunion
before talking or you'll be like saying if but and maybe.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
All good advice, I suppose, if your truth matches up to the norm. My truth, does not, I did not want to give my daughter up for adoption, it was not my choice. I live in a country, where you have little rights, when you are under the age of 18, or 21, now. I begged, and pleaded, I really did. I can remember it so clearly, cause I have carried it around for 28 years. Not everybody had a choice, and you need to understand that. If that is what your birthmother chose, good for her. It may or may not be, we will never really know, cause you can never really believe somebody when they are put under pressure. Just because she has shut the door, does not make her the guide for the rest of us. We are all different, and have different stories to tell. I did not look for my daughter out of some long sense of guilt, i found her, because, I believe that I was never meant to lose her. Can you try to understand that. Try to put yourself in my place, i was that 15 year old girl, who had that baby taken out of her arms, after I held her so close for 6 weeks of my live, I did not have her, sign papers, and leave, I stayed with her, at a cold lonley infant home, until they would no longer let me stay, then I went back, every night for as long as they would let me. I fed her, I held her, and I loved her. I was not pushed, i was cheated! That is my cross to bear, and when my father, who I loved more than life, died, I did the only thing, i could to ease my pain. I got married, at 16, and had another baby. The married, was doomed to fail, but in my mind, you had to be married to keep your baby. So, thats what I did. I was not in my right mind, i will give you that, but the loss of my baby, and my father, in the same years time, was almost too much for me to bare, can you understand that. The marriage, was awful, married to a man, who was evil, and I can say that, because the things he did to me, could only be discribed as evil, and having no where to go, I put all I had into my children. We are so close, and for that I am grateful. They are all I could have dreamed of, and I thank god, everyday, to have them. It still never stopped me from wanting the one I lost. I want her to always know that. I wished she could have grown up with me, but I am also glad she is safe. So, after hearing all this, you tell me, what should I say to her. I have told her the truth, with no bull, staight out. I worried that it would scare the **** out of her. She took it in stride, tho, like a trooper. I would never hurt her, and when she met my daughter, Rachel, she was amazed at how simular they were. In fact she is very simular to all my girls, who have the ill fate to take after thier mother. So, I do understand her, better than you know, I just need to know what she needs to hear. You say that only adoptee's should be angry, but in my case, I tend to differ with you, I also was cheated out of a life I would have loved to live, so where does all of this leave somebody like me. In my heart, I am her only mother, but my brain tells a different story, cause the mother she knows, and loves, is not me. Pretty screwed up, huh? So what now? Can you tell me? I would love to hear your spin on this. I can honestly tell you, that if you were my son, you would not be feeling the anger you are. I am not like the others, not Banjo, cause she too, is in a place she wishes she was not. But the ones, who had a choice, and now can not live with it. The ones who just want info, and nothing more. I will always want more. I just don't want to force this all on a girl, who up to this point had a fairly normal life, I encourage her to say all she needs to , to me. I want her to know, that no matter how things turned out, I really never left her. So lets hear it, GMH, I want you to tell me what you think.
Colleen

[MissScarletLa]

Colleen,

I totally agree! Birth Siblings get the short end of that stick too. We had no part of any of this and we often get rejected too. We can cut off our noses to spite our faces and it will never replace the years we lost of bonding either. I wanted siblings my entire life, and now I have them, but nothing can give me those valuable years of being young with them and learning about them or how to solve a problem with them as kids. Those years were forever taken away from us at no fault of mine or theres. So adoptees aren't the only ones that have a right to be a little upset. As a sibling, of 2 adoptees that I have been reunited with only to find out that they both have substance abuse problems, I am upset because maybe had I been there all along, as a sister. I could have done something to stop it, protect them from it, prevent it, or advice them against it . I love my sisters both of them, despite there flaws, I can't have this around my children but they both know how to reach me 24/7 and that I love them. Until they are willing to get help there is really nothing more I can do but pray for them, because I have tried everything else.

If you don't think for one minute I am more than a little upset that you say that adoptees are the only ones that have a right to be upset your wrong.

ANYONE THAT STANDS A CHANCE OF GETTING HURT OR HAS BEEN HURT HAS A RIGHT TO GET OR BE UPSET!

Just my 2 cents

God Bless and Good Luck,

Terri

[bbunny1957]

Hello everyone I'm back. I see a lot has been happening in my absence. A lot of hurt, anger and unrequited love. Hope no one minds my 2 cents.
G, I am so sorry you have been so hurt. No one will ever truly uderstand your pain and sense of rejection because your experience only happened to you. No I'm not being a smart alec. Everyone's experience is just different enough to be unique to them. Even though it's all called the same thing, "the adoption experience". I can't fully appreciate your pain, but I can understand the depth of it because I too have suffered. I think that's all we really want is for someone to acknowledge our right to our pain. What we all went through, bmothers, bchildren, siblings, all of us in the forum. suffer because of adoption.
I'm not saying that adoption isn't the right answer in some instances, just that for some of us it didn't turn out to be the great solution we were told it would be. Our bchildren resent us for abandoning them, we hurt and resent (if we're honest and admit it) the A-parents who get to raise our beloved children, our future children live with a parent who's wounded and carries another absent child in her heart. Yes, sometimes it does work and everyone involved is happy over the outcome, but I believe those times are rare. As you said, your A-parents did a great job, but you still feel like someone, a very important someone, rejected you. Can you imagine, just for one moment, the guilt a mother, not a animal that births a child and walks away, but a mother who is honestly committed to giving her child a better life, the guilt that woman would feel if she were to realize how great an impact her decision would have on your feelings about yourself as an adult of 30+ yrs. Honestly, your statement broke my heart. I sit here with tears in my eyes for that rejected little boy. I pray to God my darling son does not ever feel that I rejected him over his sister. But I think in my heart of hearts he does and I cry for that.
Unfortunately, we're never going to stop people from acting irresponsibly and we all have to admit that is exactly what we did and our children suffer for it. That is why I will never give up on telling my son through my actions, not words, that I never will stop loving him. He may not listen, but one day it may sink through. Not for my sake, but for his, so he will stop feeling rejected and unwanted. I don't know how I'll get him to understand that his adoption was my fault, my actions caused it, not his, not him and certainly not any failure on his part to be a child I wanted to keep. His arrival was my bad timing, not his. And yes if that's guilt, then pardon my political incorrectness, mea culpa.

[GMH]

Ladies

Coleen first because I have been talking to you longer .She didn't shut that door ,she never said that she just has replied to my last email which was over a month ago.I have shut the door and in my own little way I'm nailing it shut everweek that goes by and I can deal with it easier.It sounds like you tried to move heaven and earth to try to keep your daughter and it stinks that ,the adoption was done with out your say so.Read through this forum
it sounds like its quite common.I suppose all you can do is build on what ever relationship you can develop now and try not to beat yourself up over what happened all those years ago.It might even be blotting your brain when your talking to her.I'm sure all your daughters are as pretty as there Mother anyway,lol.
Scarlett I agree with"ANYONE THAT STANDS A CHANCE OF GETTING HURT OR HAS BEEN HURT HAS A RIGHT TO GET OR BE UPSET!".Its just how we deal with it I suppose .I have loads of b-siblings never met them talked to them probably never will(not interested).I see your point as only child its hard growing up as an only child .Although I wasn't close with my abrother as a kid he was always there and we did play and fight all the usual stuff.
Also if people want to do drugs it nearly impossible to stop them
lots of my friends have gone down path but most of them are clean now .They just dipped off the rails for a while.
Bunny same advice as Coleen try to build what ever is left but,
I don't now what you would say to agrieve a rejection .I don't think it would be half the hill to climb if the b-mothers didn't have any other kids .I didn't say that to be nasty but I know when the personwho gave birth to me (she's nothing else)said "you have a sister she's 24 blah blah blah, you could have picked my chin off the floor .For five minutes after that my brains thinking what the hells goingon.By the way so as you know GMH is the three members of my family myself,my wife,my son .There are no other members to my family at the moment but I'm working on it.

Remeber I'm just blurting girls.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
You know what, we all are going to survive. Thats what it boils down to. I'm not going to roll over and play dead, just yet, and I have come to grips with my life up to this point, and GMH, I know you have too. I do not ever want you guys to think that I am not strong enough to deal with any of this adoption junk, I have dealt with it years ago, we all have, now its just a matter of blurting, good or bad. We really can not judge, our birthchildren, birthmothers, siblings, or each other, for that matter. We can only write to each other, on this forum, and hope that somebody on the other end of this vast network, can understand what we have to say. Mostly, I think its about being accepted by anybody. The lives, most of us have lived, has been a very secret one, not something you blurt out in everyday conversations, but here, we are given a freedom, to say everything we have been holding in for years. It's not new anger, it very old anger, we have just not ever been able to say anything to anyone, now we can, and it comes out in alot of different ways. It appears we are yelling at each other, when in reality, we are just yelling. Given freedom to speak our minds, we are doing just that. It's helped me alot, I can't speak for any of you, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can tell you guys, whatever I have felt, or feel, and nobody cares. It's great!!! We are so busy, dumping our own junk, that nobody really cares what you say. Its all about healing. I have my daughter back, my relationship with her, may not be the rosy little picture book idea, that I had thought it would be, but it is the same imperfect, love you anyway, relationship I have with all my children. Thats just how life is. I think we all just need each other, to sound off of, so that when the old anger creeps out, we have somewhere to go, where we can say anything, and be accepted for it. Like being a member of a secret club. We all have lives, but seldom do we speak of everyday things, because that's not what we are here for, now is it. We want to be free, and this is one of the only places I have ever found, that will allow me to be free. You guys, allow me to be free. Thats what it boils down to, we are inter-meshed , by a common pain. So do not keep explaining your blurts, I only yell, when I am cranky, and if that the case, I would yell if you said the sky was blue. Most of the time, I look forward to seeing I have notes, from any of you. I like to know, what you have to say, and if I can help, I will, but most of the time, the only thing I can give you is my attention, and all of you, have that. So, lets keep on blurting.
Love, Colleen

[Angelwings2002]

One thing though Your birthmom will never be anything other than the woman that gave birth to you. .

I find this statement to be RUDE and ignorant. From BOTH the Adoptee and Bmom side.
Even though we did NOT raise our children we ARE still MOTHERS.
Just because a women has a baby and it passes away ...does that mean she is NOT a mother? I think not. I lost my son in 85 at 16 minutes old...I am STILL his MOTHER.
And we are NOT just the women who gave birth.
To say we are NOT mothers is insensitive.
I AM and ALWAYS will be MY daughters/sons MOTHER.
As will her amom. My mother will ALWAYS be MY MOM also.
People tend to think that all we did as Bmoms was get pregnant,have a child and place them with others to take care of them. Not true.
I parented my daughter for 13 months before placing her....so YES I AM MY daughters MOTHER and I always will be. Her amom is NOT less of a mother just because she did NOT give birth to her either.
As an adoptee I would NOT nor have I ever refered to my Mother as "the women who gave birth to me". She did more than that she tried to raise all 9 of us kids the best she could.She had no choice but to place us all.
So before you make such comments maybe you should put yourself in the Bmoms shoes...and than tell me what you would think if someone made that comment to you. Being a parent means sacrificing YOUR own wants and needs and putting your childs wants and needs before your own. Is that NOT what us Bmoms did. So to minimize us down to no more than "the women who gave birth to me"is insensitive and rude as I see it.
Bmoms deserve respect as well as anyone else..............

[Robinsmom]

Renee,
I think it is rude that you take one line out of a post, and jump on it without knowing the story behind it. If you care to read our whole thread from beginning to end, you might learn, that we are just a group of people, who are trying to resolve our feelings, you should not address just one line. Its not fair to the person who wrote it. I am sorry, even though I did not write this particular, line, that you were upset, by it. I also am a birthmom, and knowing the person, who wrote this, I took it in stride, because they were not talking about all birthmoms, just thier birthmom, who may or may not deserve it. Everybody has a story, and everybody has feeling, read the whole thred, if you are interested, otherwise, lighten up.
Colleen

[banjo]

BBunny and Colleen: Your last posts are each right on the button for me - thanks I could not have written it better!

GMH - Keep posting I want to know how adoptees feel. It's interesting that you are not interested in half-sib when a lot of other adoptees I've had contact with are very keen to establish relationships with sibs.

Please explain further if you wish. Is it because the bmother seems really keen on talking on about the bsib?

So you got an email from your bmother - what did she have to say?

lol Banjo

[GMH]

Girls

I'm not interested in my b-family one little bit know ,thats the way I have put my mind at getting and I'm just getting comfortable with that way of thinking after a months a searching then getting
the two fingeres salute.I didn't get an email from my B-Mother so
sorry if you get the wrong end of the stick.I read the previous post of mine it was a bit wrong the adoptee had a similar time to
me got a birthday card after no contact for a while ,then he wrote on deceased and return to sender.Whilst I agree thats harsh it
does allow him to get on with his life concentrate on things that are good in his life.Anything I have said adoption in her should bag the b-mother ,thats not want I get across its just no an option I would take even if the woman didn't want the baby I would take him/her into my care .Before you even go there you could not get a more demanding or difficult son than my 2 yr old,so already know how bad it gets.
I think contact with B-sibs is just like seeing all the if's buts and maybe's slapped in my face and I don't really need that .
Its not easy for me to turn my back and slamm the door but girls
remeber I searched got the same ,and I don't know any of these
people a couple of them meet when I was born but thats it.
Oh just one other thing the contact I have had with B-family has
proved them to be liars anyway ,Oh I'll call you back ,I consider you flesh and blood .Please if these people like my B-mothers quote I love you meant any of that stuff ,they would have got back to me right?
So as I get the welding torch onto this door I sigh with great relief that I don't have to deal with these philistines.