[bbunny1957]

well, that's a lot to cover. First I have kept up. I call every few months. I don't have his phone # he has never given it to me. So I call his girlfriends mother's house. She's polite but I don't want to intrude as I know that family has bonded with the A-mother and I don't want to make them uncomfortable. This is between my son and I.
I send cards at Christmas and birthdays (his and his new baby's) I've sent phone cards so he could call. Made his baby a christmas stocking. no reply.
There is of course more to it than just stubborness on his part. He knows I dissapprove of him not paying child support for the boy he left here. My grandson is just a 3 yr old. My duty is to fight for him. So, that means in his eyes I abandoned him once and now I stick up for another child. It's complicated. I'll love him forever, but right is right and if he's wrong I'll tell him. Nicely. Of course it doesn't help that the adoptive mother tells him its fine not to have anything to do with his son here. At least that's what I've been led to believe. Go figure.
bbunny

[banjo]

Thanks for replying BBunny: I do admire you for doing what you have done and maintaining contact - your situation is so complicated!

But do you hope that evenutally your hard work keeping contact and marking birthdays and christmas will pay off?

How long are you prepared to hang in there for?

Do you think my theory has some justification?

cheers Banjo

[bbunny1957]

I'll hang in there til the day I pass. If he doesn't respond by then at least he'll know for the rest of his life he was loved. Might take that long to convince him. Maybe it's just a question of giving him time to mature and see the big picture. Regardless, I'm the mature one in this relationship so I'll handle it. At least I'm supposed to be as the parent.
bbunny

[Robinsmom]

GMH,

You are alittle confused, my birthdaughter, is my seventh child. I did not want to give her up, that was my fathers ides, I wanted to keep her too. I was only 15, at the time, so I had no rights, I could not take my baby home, unless my father signed her out, weird huh? He was looking out for my welfare, so I hold no hard feelings towards him for it. I think it did affect how I felt about having more children, I was trying to fill a big void, and it did to a point. I still needed to find her. So, you see, I had to find her, I never wanted to give her up, in the first place. I guess thats why, I go on about that bond thing so much. The rest of my kids, have been with me from day one, and you would have to kill me, to get them away.

As for this dream thing, what made you argue with your Dad, that day? How close was it to his death? It may be guilt, that makes you keep dreaming about it, or purhaps, something you didn't get to say. I had dreams of my Dad for a few years after his death, some of them seemed so real, I would wake up expecting to see him. I was very close to him, and, as he died, when I was just 16, I still carry guilt, to this day, that I might have been able to save him. Anyways, dreams seldom, are what they seem. You have to look at it closely, to see what it is really showing you, before you can resolve it.

Colleen

[MissScarletLa]

Bunny,

Your in a tight place and I admire you for taking care of your sons child that he basically left at your door step. But you know, when that child grows up he is going to do respect you and resent his own father, which is IRONIC! Your son seems to have very little respect for what you and WHAT you are doing for him. I think the reason he doesn't call or respond isn't because he is rejecting you, its merely because he knows the mess he left you to deal with was wrong and he isn't man enough to deal with it.

Bunny I am not calling your grandson a mess just the whole situation a mess, so please don't get offended.

What would he do if you showed up at his door with is son and said this is your child and YOU need to raise him and he has a right to grow up with his new brother or sister. After all this is your responsibility not mine. You refuse to support him so here he is!

I am not saying you would do this but it would certainly be a wake up call. Sometimes people won't face there own responsibilities unless they are forced to.

Just my 2 cents

God Bless and good luck

Terri

[banjo]

Colleen - well done having seven children - it must be wonderful having a full house! I think most bmothers can relate to the "empty arms" and that need to full the void of the adoption loss.

How long will you remain in contact with your bdaughter? I know it's hard getting tiny "goldren drops". Will you also hang in their for the long haul?


BBunny's quote: "Regardless, I'm the mature one in this relationship so I'll handle it. At least I'm supposed to be as the parent."

I think your comment is the key to reunion. I think us bmothers have to be the mature ones and deal with our own issues and maintain contact even if we get little in return.

lol Banjo

[Robinsmom]

Banjo,

I am in it for the long haul. I've never been one to give up. I figure, sooner or later, she will come to know that I am not after anything, and that I just want to know her. I am not angry about all this, I just am at a loss as to where I fit in. I know you know what I mean. I am happy for the bits I get. I am a mother, what can I say, you can forgive a child anything, and if I gave up everytime, one of them did something I didn't like, my daughter Becky, of blue hair fame, would have been shut out a long time ago. Being a mother, is not like a job, that you can just quit, and find a new one, when things are hard. Its about finding ways to get through the hard times, and having the faith to know that there are good times on the way. I have tried to live my life that way, and for the most part, it has worked for me. I just believe that we all have our own oersonalities, and as much as we would like our children to believe what we do, it seldom happens that way. Girls, are the worst, I think they do things to thier mothers, just for the shock value. So, I will wait, and hope, and if it works out, it does, but if it doesn't turn out quite the way I hoped, I will not give up. You never said, where you live.
Colleen

[MissScarletLa]

I have 2 sons, ages 11 and 8. It's been one of the single greatest experiences of my life, being a mother. Although, they don't give you a book, when they are born and tell you this will work in every case and what to do. Even if they did, it doesn't always work because, each child is different and has different needs and personalities. So one book couldn't answer it all. 10 books still couldn't answer it all. Its all trial and error. As a parent you just try to do the best you can to give them all the love and support you can, teach them right from wrong, and make sure that they have a home filled with love and they know they can come talk to you about anything. We make a point to have a family dinner at the table together every night and I sit down and eat breakfast with my children every morning. We tell our kids we love them at least twice a day and hug them twice too if not more but thats the bare min because sometimes things can be hectic. They know they aren't alone in this big world that, we as there parents stand beside them, with them and will fight for them through anything and love them no matter how bad it is, and GOD will to. We are trying to teach them to have a good morally structured foundation of manners, love,God, Knowledge and structure. With us as there role models, its all lead by example in this house. I'm sure when they are grown one or both of them will come back and say that they hated it when we made them do something that we made them do. Kids always do that. But, I also hope they appreciate the foundation even though they may not see the big picture now and have happy families. You don't have to be adopted to have a resentment towards a parent for being raised a certain way that you don't agree with. The biggest mistake I have seen alot of parents make is trying to be there childs friend and forgeting that they are the parent. In my opinion, I only have at min. 18 years to teach my children right from wrong. I have the rest of there life to be there friend. So I can only be there friend to a degree/ where it doesn't comprimise my main role as a mom.

God Bless and Good Luck

Terri

[ndwill4400]

I am in the same situation as you. My birthdaughter says I am not her mother which I am not trying to be her mother I only want to be her friend. But she is claiming if she continues to email and talk to me that it is killing her amom and adad.
I too am confused. My daughter is only 20. I think maybe they need some time to grow up and mature.

Nancy

[MissScarletLa]

ND,

Your not killing anyone, lets get that strait now. I've been through 2 reunions with 2 siblings that were given up for adoption. Right now your in the Honeymoon stage of the reunion where everything is so exciting and great and I am sure it is showing on your birthdaughter. She can't help but glow and be happier than she has been in awhile because for the first time in her life her identity is complete. That is something no matter how bad her adoptive parents wanted to could never give her. They could give her everything else but NOT that.

The adoptive parents are jealous and feel like with you in the picture they are loosing there daughter, or that she will love you more. Maybe what you need to do is write them a letter and let them know your intentions up front. That you could never replace them and you don't want to. You just want to be a small part of her life. But the bottom line is that they are her parents and you are the women that gave birth to her. You just want to get to know her. I would also thank them and ask them to be friends ask them to meet without your daughter present so you can speak frankly. Maybe then they won't feel so threatened.

We went through something similiar to this with my older sisters father until we ( my mother and I) both spoke to him on him on the phone and met with him. Then he was no longer threatened and felt it was more of a blessing.

Hope this helps

Terri

[Robinsmom]

Nancy,
I know how you feel, it is really hard to keep a distance once you find these kids. All I would like, is a small piece, I can share, I'm sure you can too, so why is it so hard to get through to these guys. Its like you are always running into a brick wall. You take two steps forward, and are knocked two steps back. I almost feel like I am at square one again. I don't know what the anwsers are, I guess all we can do is wait. Maybe time, will help.
Take care,
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen

I have had a few days away on a course,thats why I have not replied ,I agree with adoption when the birth mother was 15 .Not 21 in my case ,15 I don't think you have a clue and unless your mother is going to step in and help ,we all know what coping with a new born can be like espically your first.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
Welcome back, you have been missed. Did I mention, that at the time I gave birth to my daughter, I had no mother, she died, when I was only 7. I'm sure, had she been around, She would have helped, as she herself had 6 children. As my father was rasing us on his own, and in very poor health himself, it was impossible to care for an infant. It was for this reason, that he refused to let me take the baby home. I think it broke his heart too, I can look back now, and see he was really just looking out for me, but at the time, I was so mad at him. Talk to you soon.
Colleen

[GMH]

In anwser to the other question the argument was almost a year
before he died.It just sticks in my head I think.Must be guilt on my part I suppose.Someone mentioned something about being friends with your kids and teaching right from wrongs.I think being his friend is one of jobs so at any time he can come to me for help,or to talk or whatever.He does know when I'm not kidding and when he needs to do something Iv'e said by the tone in my voice.But at the end of the day I would like to think he could come to me tell me he's gay or he's deep in money trouble whatever and feel comfortable about doing so.He will know right from wrong ,respect ,how to treat women ,its all a fine line we walk with raising our kids I just hope he grows up into half the man my father was,then I know I have done well.

[banjo]

Mate!!!! Half of me says U are right and another half says sorry....age does not matter......I was 24 and not ready to parent. My parents should have stepped in and taken over and I think I would have come around. But I had many other plans for my life and being a parent was not one of them. Add to that a reluctant bfather and the situation was a mess. I've also read many posts from people who grew up with parents who lived with regret and neglect due to their decision to keep their children. I took part in an adult act (sex) but was not ready for the adult consequences BUT we did use contraception so just call me RAchel (out of friends). For some reason my bchild just needed to be born!!!!bless her! She's changed so many lives for the better!

But I have to agree with Robinsmom - you have been missed!!!!!

Robinsmom - my heart bleeds for you losing your mom at such a young age. It would have been hard on dad - a tough decision all right....he too would have thought he was doing the right thing - I thought that too.

Nancy - welcome, thanks for posting!!! Do a few emails from a bmother really make much difference to aparent's relationship with their children???? There is a saying outthere which goes along the lines of "what belongs to you can not be taken away from you" I just trust in that belief. lol Banjo