[bbunny1957]

Thanks for your kind words Terri.
I agree it all started with my son's bfather denying paternity. I had wanted to keep and raise my son. I named him in the womb. I knew he was a boy. I fought for him after birth. When the adoption agency I was going through screwed up (yes it was a reputable one still in business today) I went to court and had my surrender rescinded (sp?) and found 3 attorneys who helped and later helped change foster care until a permanent family could be found. This was 23 yrs ago. That agency allowed him to become so ill he had to be hospitalized. Imagine having to bond with a child you know you're having to give up but if you don't sit with him while he's under an oxygen tent who will? He wasn't placed finally until he was 6 months old. I don't think I need go into detail how tough that was. I was given a day however right before he was placed...I took him to work with me and my friends and I all took pictures...yeah . Anyway, life goes on. I survived. Now I just hope I can help others to heal.

[MissScarletLa]

Thats what we are all for to share our experiences bad good, not so good, or otherwise, and for support, that is what this forum is for. Its always great when someone has a great reunion and then there are some that aren't so lucky and my heart really bleeds for them. I've been in both situations. Helping friends search, and searching for my own siblings.

Searching is a bundle of emotions. You get frustrated, angry, upset, happy, soemtimes you just want to cry, and do, and most of all you just pray that the child got the life you couldn't provide at the time you had him or her.

Just remember one thing the truth always surfaces one way or another it always does. Time has a way of doing that.

Keep the faith and the chin up.

Terri

[Robinsmom]

Gmh,
All is forgiven, you just sounded so rude, here we are pouring out all this good information, and you slap us with a "doesn't interest me". I wasn't really insulted, but Isure made you think I was. I can understand your feelings, and I agree that all this reuniting stuff isn't for you. I'm glad that we seem to have calmed down some of that anger you used to have. We are just on the other side of the fence from you, and we can only try to help each other understand, how each of us feel. I am learning alot from you too. Its nice to hear from the other side, it helps me understand how my daughter must have felt. Talk to you soon.
Colleen

[Robinsmom]

Banjo,
I write, very early in the morning, usually around, 3:30 a.m. here in New York, I get up that early almost every day, cause I work at 7:00 and I have to get everybody dressed and out of here by 6:00. Its my alone time, with 4 kids in this house, that is hard to come by. Where are you anyways, I don't think you ever said.
I always like to find soul mates, we are walking the same road, just at different places. Its like you have a spyglass into my mind, its kind of spooky, but I guess thats how it is for people like us. Talk to you tomorrow, got to get to bed, its already 10:00 and I have to get up at 3.
Colleen

[bbunny1957]

Nice to see others are online late too. Sometimes just can't sleep. I'm in TN. A misplaced yankee.

[MissScarletLa]

I normally reply at night too, when the kids are asleep and I have my own time. I am in New Orleans, Louisiana.

I am really glad the board has calmed down. Although, it's nice to see the different aspects of each persons experiences.

God Bless
Terri

[GMH]

I feel crowded being the only fella on here lol.Colleen glad you can see were I was coming from.Not good here about fathers giving up there responsibilites so easily ,I have to admit I was scared when my wife was pregnant and its not been easy .But its rough with the smooth and as you girls know the rewards are priceless maybe thats something these guys need to be told.
This following quote is not mine so no biting"any fool can make a baby it takes a real man to be a farther".
Don't think I'm perfect either I struggle with what to do sometimes but you only have to see him smile to bring you
back down.

B Buny sorry to hear about the problems ,sounds like its got really complicated.Guilt tripping people on either side of this
fence is not nice ,the funny thing is I actually felt guilty towards
my B-farther when i made the contacting call to my B-Uncle ,then
when I was talking to my B-Mom the guilt had gone.When I got
off the phone I started to feel guilty again.Work that one out.
I did ask her why she gave me up she said she was forced into
it by her mother ,I didn't do that to make her feel guilty thats not
why I asked it was something I needed to know.

I think the health thing for me know is to try and forget about all
the if's what's and maybe's .

Peace is the sound we all want

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
Sound advice, I agree with your quote, but in turn, any woman can give birth, but should they be a mother? Sometimes, I think there should be some sort of test. They make you take one, to drive a car, but if you can, anybody can have children. Try and figure that one out.
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen You are right that's why there is alot of adoption and fostering in the world .Whilst I don't agree what was done in my
situation sometimes it works out ok for others.Its god will we all
have families and unfortunaltley adoption and fostering maybe his
way to try and help .I think most mothers would fail that test but then again you don't get a book with your kids ,you have to be tight with your partner ,have your mind in the right direction.Planning is paramount I think we waited until I was in employment were my wife did not have to return to work through
her maternal feelings and my addmance that I didn't want someelse to raise my kid .I think we would have passed the test but then again we talked it over for years,who knows I could have failed but then again I'm not perfect, I just try my best.

[Robinsmom]

Gmh,
I think I passed too, after 6 kids, I'd better know what I am doing. I'm not going to say its always been perfect, but me manage to muddle through. I am quite proud of my children, and I hope that some of thier sucess is due to the fact that they had a steadfast mother, they continue to amaze me every day. I guess God must know what he is doing, but sometime I question his judgement. There are still an awful lot of kids out there, with nothing to eat, nowhere to sleep, and mothers who are more concerned about the welfare benefits than thier children. Its a strange world,.
Colleen

[GMH]

6 wooo that would be too much for me.Was it your first that was adopted out.If so do you think that situation changed the way you felt so you didn't give anymore up for adoption or was it maturing as you got older.
Here's a new for you I have a nightmare alot about an argument I had last year with my A-Dad before he died ,it was about me upsetting my a-mom I said she upset my wife ,blah,blah.Anyway I just can't get rid of the nightmare.

[MissScarletLa]

My older sister who is also an adoptee gave a baby up for adoption and I think it was the wisest choise she ever made. She is 37 today and has no more children and if there was a test for raising kids, she would fail. She is the most irresponsible human being I have ever met. Not to mention that her beer and her social habits come before anyone or anything. When I was first reunited with her I was so excited and clueless about her problems. When I found out about sister number 2 and introduced them, strange how people with similiar problems can almost smell them. They have No relationship to this day. But regarless, I would hate to think what that child would have turned out like had he stayed with with my sister. I am sure he had to have gotten a better home with a better family then anything my sister could have provided even today some 18 years later. Some people just aren't meant to be parents. She isn't even a productive part of society. She lives off my mother her birthmother.

Just my 2 cents

Terri

Mother of 2

[MissScarletLa]

My older sister and I have a limited relationship only because she lives with my mother. I don't visit her and the only time I see her is if she happens to be with my mother whne she comes to my house. I just don't like the influence she has on my kids or my household. Not to mention her social habits. If it weren't for the fact she lives with my mom I would cut the tie with her too until she cleaned her act up just like my younger sister. But thats harder when the influence lives in the house I grew up in as a child and sleeps in the room I did as a child too.

Terri

[GMH]

Hi Scarlett
Thats some heavy stuff to deal with ,booze and kids don't mix.I think you are right sounds like the kid would have turned out better for not being with her.
On a different note something to make you all laugh my son is calling my wife and I by our first names its probably one of those ones were you have to be there ,but when he does it to one of us the one has hold off laughing .
Its late Iv'e been called into work so I will talk to you guys later.

Take care of yourselves .

[banjo]

BBunny1957

Your story has really touch me as I too fear that my bchild could reunite with her bfather at some stage and form a better than what we have! But at the moment I try not to worry about things that I have no control over.

However after reading a lot about reunion I wonder if us bmother simply just have to grim a bare a lot of this stuff inorder to keep the lines of communication open. I am glad you have kept the hurt from your bchild - just let it out here so it does not affect your health!!!!!!

I think you are lucky you had him in your home for two years.

I'd like both Colleen's and bbunny's comments on my reunion theory:

I think that bmothers need to focus on keeping the lines of communication open in order to obtain any sort of long term reunion/relationship. ie. cards, letters emails every few months even when we get nothing in return. I think that's our role. WE should not expect our bchildren to maintain a "normal" friendship/relationship with us. ie in a normal relationship both parties usually contribute 50/50. I think we have to accept that at times it's going to be 90/10. During those times we have to accept the 5 or 10 percent tiny bits of communication from our children as golden drops rather than crumbs! I think this committment to remaining in their lives - even if it's only through cards etc - is a way of convincing adoptees that we're back for good and we're not going to go away. (Unless they send everything back and tell us to p*iss off and put out a restraining order - oooh that's nasty)
Plus I also think we have to do our best to convince adoptees that they are part of our family as well as being part of their afamily. They have two families and that's OK. Great infact - more presents!

I read a post from a bmother who sent cards/letters to her bchild every few months for four years before she got a response.

BBunny: Have you tried to form a relationship with your bson's new partner?
Have you called your bchild? What sort of response do you get from him? Please don't think any of my theory or my questions are any critizism of you as I think you are a great bmother/mother and I too want you to maintain a relationship with your child. (As I want to maintain a great relationship with my child) My focus now is to learn as much as I can from other peoples' experiences with reunion so that I can put the right foot forward and understand where my child is at with it all.

GMH - I'm so glad that have continued to post as us women swirl our posts around you (and occasionally at you!)

lol Banjo