[Robinsmom]

GMH,

We have already been through this, it is not what we get out of knowing our birth children, its just that we get to know them. Its not something that you can classify, its just something that lives inside you, and eats at you like cancer, you just have to know.
Let me ask you, when your wife was pregnant with your son, how would you have felt, if somebody told you, a look is all you get, after that, we are giving him to somebody else, and you are never going to see him again. How badly would you have fought? Would just never knowing if he was safe or happy, be enough for you? Would it have bee, for your wife? I don't think so, buts thats how it was for us, Banjo, was alittle better off than I, as she got to know some of her daughters life, I never just that chance. For me, the loss of one child, even though I have six more, was one loss too many. If I never get to be more than I am to her right now, I will be happy to have that. Something, is always better than nothing. Does that help you to understand? It is easier, if you think of it that way. By the way, bring a jacket, its been the coldest summer here in years, fall does not look to be much better. I was wearing a jacket yesterday, and its August. Maybe you should let your brother read some of this, it might help him to understand us alittle better.
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen
I would have fought like a cat&dog then again ,I wasn't in that situation and hopefully never will be.Your'e outlook on all this is
not what I have experienced so its probably taking time to sink in.
My B-Mom said that to me on the phone "I always though you were safe",hmmm thats either that feeling inside you keep going
on about or a crock.My brother is not interested at all its like he has always felt complete rejection his parents were together and still are according to his birth cert and the traces that have been done.I can't actually repeat what he said about them because your alady and it would not be polite.
I just finished talking with A-Mom and things are going really good with her she's coming over to visit next year (she lives NZ).

This NY thing might becoming sooner that later ,things can't wait but we will see its not my decision anyway.

Take Care of yourself and your Family

[banjo]

Colleen - thanks for all your comments about 12-16 year-olds. I do know that my bchild is using me to threaten her mother ie saying that she'd be better off with me etc. The funny thing is that she does not even ring me to thank me for magazine etc that I send. Actions speak louder than words! We live in the same city and for the first time ever i spotted her on the street with her school friends. I almost crashed the car I was so surprised to see her! and she looked totally different - kind of wild - compared the carefully groomed girl that I visit! Interesting ah?

I did not tell her mother that I saw her - she did not see me anyway - I was in my work car and felt I could not stop. That's the horrid thing - there's MY daughter but I can't stop and talk to her....adoption is nuts. It has to be banned or changed or something - co-parenting? I don't know...I've not thought of a better solution. I've copied your post for my journal to help me get through the next few years....I was a rebellious teen and she seems to be following in my footsteps. B4 I turned 14 I use to adore my mother but we never managed to be friends or close again after the teen years - even now. She just could not compromise and was too strict..but that's another story.

GMH - what am I getting from my relationship with my bchild? That's a good question. I think it has changed over the years esp in the last few years as I have discovered the effect of adoption on adoptees. Now, although I miss her so much it drives me mad somedays and I get frustrated etc with it and hate myself for my decision, I think it's all about making sure I don't make the situation worse for her. ie I can never pull away from the relationship. She can reject me, hate me etc but I now know that I can never end contact. I will send her cards on her birthday and call etc and keep pushing for visits until she tells me to "p*ss off" and returns my mail unopened. Then i'll get the hint. But only if she does it as an adult. I believe that I owe her that committment because I made a decision over her future when she was a baby without asking her what she wanted. She wanted to stay with me - all babies want to stay with their birthmothers - it's a fact.

As to your birthmother, when she said that she knew you would be safe. Funny, I always felt from the beginning that my daughter would be safe with her aparents - I can't say why I had that feeling. Also I do love both my daughters the same. I often read posts from adoptees saying that they can't understand how their bmother can love them when they don't know them. I can only say that's how I feel. Like Colleen there's a huge hole in my heart for my bdaughter that just can't be filled - even if I had 30 more children.

Does you bmother have that hole in her heart as well? I'd say so but if she doesn't I'd like to know how she filled that hole. Or most likely that hole is still there but she's managed to cover it so that she does not fall down it on a daily basis...lucky her because I often get tired of falling into the hole of loss....

Oh by the way - the bfather spent a lot of time trying to get me to abort and telling me that I was ruining his life. He could have raised her but he did not step forward to take on the role. So I am always so pleased to hear from dads who are seriously committed to their children - we need more of YOU, the world would be a better place. Dad's are important!
Perhaps you can explain the bfather's behaviour? Just a thought?

thanks to you both for posting. Often this forum saves me from going completely nuts! It's great to have people in the triad to discuss the situation with. lol Banjo

[GMH]

Right were do I start -The father thing it probably helped as I was there when he was born ,he was planned ,he was concieved
on a awesome holiday we had in Portugal were not long married and in love.I did take a while to bond with him but I work long hours so it was never going to be easy.I want as strong relationship with him as I had with my Dad.I learn't very early on there more I put in the more I get back.He got up with me this morning watched me shave ,wanted me to put aftershave&deodrant on him.Then after I was dressed I said to him now you have to go in the bed with Mummy, he said "up" so we can have a cuddle.The older he gets the closer we get but I
he needs and craves constant attention from us both.I do agree
with you on the Abortion thing ,its not nesscary.
Goodluck with your Daughter and try to think girls are bad at that age then the grew up into nice young ladies.

[MissScarletLa]

I've read the book Primal wounds. As a daughter of a birthmom and a sibling of 2 sisters that were placed up for adoption this book can make ANYONE a victim! The author had a hard time bonding with her own child. Basically if you have been part of the adoption triad, a split home, had a member of the family split, die, or something bad happen then this is the book for you.

Life hands you a deck of cards and sometimes they aren't always the best ones to play with but they are all you have. You either fold or play the hand you have. Thats life! You can either be a victim or a survivor.

My father split when I was very young came in and out of my life , he was abusive when I was in my teens. In 1998 he took his own life and I thought I would never over come that. But by Primal Wounds Standards I would be a victim all the way around. I refuse to be a victim. I am a survivor. I survived it and I will survive anything else that comes my way. Its the spirit of I refuse to go quietly into that gentle night that keeps me going. Life is hard enough with out someone coming along trying to make it harder for anyone else.


I have adopted siblings that I had not so great reunions with because They have substance and alcohol abuse problems. I refuse to subject my children to that kind of life style. But I will never close that door completely. Because I will never give up hope for what they could be with out the problems. I hope to 1 day have the 2 sisters I meet in the begining back, until then I am back to being an only child. Granted it hurts but those are my boundaries and I am comfortable with them.

Just my 2 cents

God Bless and Hope it helps someone!

Terri

[Robinsmom]

Banjo,
I whole heartedly agree, with all that you have said, but I think our new friend Gmh will find something to say about the statement you made about babies always wanting to be with thier birthmothers. I think you may have opened a can of worms there. I am sure that his mother, does have the same hole, I think we all do. Its as if a part of your heart has been torn away, and you need to see it, feel it, touch it, to be whole again. I don't know how to explain this to somebody who has not gone through it. There are no words to discribe the emptyness that you feel. It is the cruelest form of torture, there is, to make it almost impossible for you to keep your child, but at the same time, never allowing you to forget, or really heal, until you find that child. Just always know, that you are not alone, we are a select group of stong woman, and we are not victims. We are just searchers, seeking a bandage for our long festering wounds. Don't worry about your daughter, she will come around, don't let her new look scare you, once my daughter got a blue mohawk!! I am still recovering from that. Take care,

Colleen

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
Go easy on Banjo, when you read her post, she speaks from her heart. I'm glad you are getting along with your little son, as well, you should. Just love him and everything else will follow, he will forgive you all those long hours away from home. You sound like you are a great Dad. Its good that you are getting along better with your a-mom, you should, after all she took two boys into her heart, that she didn't have to. I'm sure she tried to do the best she could, but its not always easy, taking care of kids, and remember, she really did not get to have that birth bond with you either. She had to pick up in the middle. I hope you two can work it out. You had still better bring a jacket, no matter how much eariler you come, it was only in the 60's today. I think its not going to get a whole lot warmer anytime soon. Talk to you soon.
colleen

[GMH]

Girls

I agree with B-Mom bond mother thing,My aunty thinks that why I cried alot as a baby ,the only person who could calm me down was a friend of the family who was actually a mother of two kids .With whom she she bore and raised.Then there's the other side my son cried alot as a small baby the only one who can calm him down is his Mum 100% of the time ,I can do it but I don't have the instant affect that she does.I swear he can smell her they probably have the best bond you could ever want.Oh and just so as you know I have diffenetly came out of this stronger .As
the door for me and my birth mother is closed at the moment ,It might open again who knows .I think for all you girls what you have with your b-kids is great but I read it all and think I don't know why I even thought about having a relationship,because none of what you guys have written interests me at all.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,

Are you just trying to insult us, or are you always so rude?? We did not ask you to write to us, and if it bores you, why read it?
Does everything you don't quite understand, disinterest you?
Colleen

[GMH]

Whoo hangon I wasn' trying or intending to be rude ,I think its great you guys have realtionships with your B-Kids ,siblings ,whatever the case maybe and its seems to help you in some form or another.I just think that if I was to have a relationship with any of my B-Family ,I don't think I would gain from it like you guys have.Apologises if I sounded rude that is not how its was intended.It doesn't bore or disinterest me at all ,I know I would interact with them and I have only learn't that from reading what goes on in your families,for which I thank you.I think you guys in the US call it a Eyeopener.

[banjo]

GMH - Look at our experience this way. How would you feel if suddenly - like today - for some reason you were separated from your son and did not see him for 10 or even 20 years. People told you you'd get over it and that you should get on with your life (lots of bmothers were told this). I believe you would be incredibly upset because you love your son and have bonded with him. Plus I'm sure you would always think about him, want to know how he is and perhaps even search for him. You'd miss him on a daily basis and there'd be a gap in your heart. Then you reunite and find he has a great adad that he loves and you're not sure where you fit in. Reunion is difficult you have to somehow establish a relationship with a stranger. You remember the toddler but he's now a grown man. Here's no history and he's angry you were parted all those years ago...But you still have this love for him and you want some sort of relationship...
Does this make sense?

I wonder if you were ment to experience a disappointing reunion inorder to establish a better adult relationship with your amother? After all she's still there - she's still your mum. My mother and I are not close (she was a good mother in her way) but we still see each other and she's still there for me and loves and adores both my children - that's what I love her for these days.

Colleen: It's great to connect with another bmother who feels like I do! Blue hohawk - wow!

lol Banjo

[banjo]

Colleen and GMH - we all seem to post at the same time each day. I know it's morning in England - what time is it in New York?

Hey GMH - you have every right to be hurt and angry with a disappointing reunion and feel let down about your bmother's behaviour. I would be too. lol Banjo

[GMH]

I'm not angry anymore I don't think .Anywap apologises if anyone one has been upset by my blurt.

[bbunny1957]

Hi I'm new here. I've been reading and catching up on the conversation. I am a bmom of a 23 yr. old son. We reunited when he was 17 and too much for his adoptive mom to handle. He a-dad had just died and he was a mess. He lived with me for 2 years. Bonded with his brother and sister and a new sister I'd recently adopted. Before he left my fair state he left a grandchild. Then, he needed my help again and I flew to where he was in another state and gave him the information he needed to get into a rehab I had made arrangements with to accept him.

He's clean now. Living in a third state with a new girlfriend and child. I'm here with my other children, their children and his he left with the young lady and her parents. He reconciled with his A-mom and sister and hasn't spoken to me in a year. Last I heard was a Christmas when I received a card from the new girlfriend with a picture of them and their baby. He's never called. Not even to check on his siblings.

What hurts worst...the betrayal. He has reunited with his B-father and talks to him regularly. This wouldn't have been so bad if this wasn't the same man who denied paternatiy and left me penniless and pregnant. I could understand if I was being petty and bad mouthing his B-father. But I never have. So I keep the hurt to myself. Thank God for the children I have and rejoice that I get to be Nana to this one grandson that chances where not great I would ever know.

Keep the faith!!

[MissScarletLa]

Bunny,

I have heard similiar stories of that same story of once the birthfather is found how the adoptee wants little to do with the birth mother. It's like the Birthmother is faulted for signning the papers and the actual adoption and the birthfather had no role in it at all. Even though we all know it takes 2 to make a baby. Most fathers in an adoption refuse to acknowledge paternity. Most of the time the biggest betrayal of all is on the birthmom by the birthfather when he refuses to accept thats his child to begin with. This is where 90% of adoption begin. I think this is where the guilt begins with adoption. I watched my mother live it every year of her life for all of her life and even now that she is reunited she is still mired in guilt. She takes the Crumbs so to speak from her child she gave up who lives with her. Who takes complete advantage of her and her guilt because she knows my mother feels guilty. But my reunited sister who is 37 also gave a child up for adoption that is now of searching age and I just pray he doesn't do to her what she has done to my mom. If he searches. Her child's father also denied paternity and that was the cause of the adoption.

But right after reuniting with my sister, her adoptive father died we didn't hear from her and didn't know what was wrong with her and we could have took it the wrong way and thought she was blowing us off. You just never know what is going on in a persons home.

Keep the faith
God Bless and Good Luck

Terri