[GMH]

HI

My son is 2 the little ankle bitter.Maybe I juding my B-Mom as well
because I don't really know her.Ok she lives so its never going to happen.The new series of Soprano's is just about to start hear can't wait.I'm 32 so 43 is not that old (lol),my last gf before I got married was 10yrs older.Take care.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
You never said, where is your birthmom? Is she in England, or here in the states? Maybe its ok to judge her alttle bit, after all, she did treat you pretty bad. My she has a reason, maybe not, but any way you look at it, she could have handled it alittle better. She is missing out on a lot, cause she never got to know you. Ah, your son is still a lttle one, lucky you, they are so cute when they are really little, before school has had a chance to ruin them. Once they go, they are never the same, they start to grow up. Not that its a bad thing, its just different, cause they are not babies any longer, and they need you alittle less. Yes, the new fall season is almost here, I myself, am a big CSI fan, love Las Vegas, have you ever been? Its quite a place. Talk to you soon.
Colleen

[GMH]

No she lives in Australia she moved there from new zealand after giving birth to me.Her brother said I was the reason why she moved very ashamed don't you know.My son is still innoccent but not 100% he has an evil laugh and a smile that could crack a million hearts.My wife likes csi I prefer NCIS or The Sheild that has to be my favourite cop show used to be NYPD blue but we don't get here alot now.Hope your daughter warms abit shame to through alot away mine never started with my mom so I haven't lost anything.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
It seems you really like New York, don't believe everything you see on the telly, its not really like that, too much. Maybe its cause I live here, I don't see it the way others do. I don't know about my daughter, I'm not sure what she wants out of all this, she lives just a few minutes away, and has never called me, I only talk to her on the computor. Its hard, cause I really don't know what my place is, in her life. She doesn't say a whole lot, and its hard to read between the lines, I really don't want to mess up her life, she has a good amom, and I'm sure her heart belongs there. I kind of feel like an outsider, looking through a window. Its hard to explain. I wish there was a guide book on this sort of thing, but seeing as there isn't, I will have to play it by ear. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if there are ever any really happy endings to any of our stories. I guess its all about finding out. After that, its up to the people involved, if they want more. Some days its enough to drive you batty.
Colleen

[banjo]

I agree with most of your last post. It's hard to define the roles but like any successful relationship there needs to be (positive) history. but with adoption there's always the rejection/abandonment factor which equates to a lack of trust. Correct me if I'm wrong (I'm a birthmother not an adoptee) but I think an adoptees pain is a bit like being dumped by someone (the birthmother) you seriously are in love with who then years later wants to come back into your life. They (the birthmother)are like a stranger. You have a new partner (amother)that you love. Therefore what can this ex-love's (bmother)role be?? Can you ever trust them again or would you think that they could dump and run again? Or has life moved on so much that there's no going back? Does this make any sense? Do you think that I'm vaguely close?

I too get frustrated - I want more contact but I too have to take it day by day. Some times I think I am taking the crumbs off the table and I get really angry and other days I consider any tiny piece of contact I get to be drops of gold.

I'd say your daughter is unsure about it all as well - plus I find I am talking less on the phone and emailing friends and family more and more. I am a writer so it's a medium that I enjoy. Most young people I mix with just constantly text message with their mobile phones - never actually talking!

I think us birthmothers are like outsiders looking in. I just try to accept the reality of the situation and think of positive things that I can do to keep in touch ie send a cool card or a tiny "thinking of you" gift.

I also think that my bchild has a right to be angry and unhappy with my decision to alter her life completely.

I have read of positive reunions and often both parties took it slow to begin with ie swapping letters or emails for long periods before taking the next steps etc. lol Banjo

[GMH]

I'm glad my B-Mom has issues and doesn't want
contact ,because I don't actually have anything to say to her or her family (I say that because its hers and not mine ).
I feel sorry for Coleen cause she is in further than me ,now I can walk away from my B-Mom (she's done that anyway so I don't have work hard at it) look for my B-farther get the medical info
then say goodbye ,shut the door and get on with my life.
Banjo is right what role is there for a B-mom ,only one I can think
if the a-mom is not around you could maybe build something in this situation.
You guys took the first decsion now the adoptees are taking the next,its hard but I just don't see what your'e get out of it.
My situation is different because I had an a-mom who wasn't good so I blamed my B-mom for that ,now I'm thinking if she had
done I would have meet my a-Dad(rip) or had meet my wife and had my son.
Taking a look at this are beating ourselves for nothing.
I'm coming to New York soon my partner has a trip there and
needs some backup for a meeting two-three days max early next
month.

Take it easy

[banjo]

You are probably right about reunion not being terribly successful with both bmother and amother in the picture but then children survive well with step parents these days. Is it possible to consider a birthparent to be like a sort of step parent that does not parent?? Is it all about loyalty to the parents and mistrust with the bparents? I just believe that at somestage - it could be 20 years from now. I'm going to fit in somewhere in my bdaughter's life. We'll reconnect and have a close relationship. But I believe that as much as it hurts, I have to continue to let her know that I love and care about her - even if it's only through gifts and cards.

Sorry about your bmother not wanting contact. Please realise I did not know about adoptee pain and suffering until I started doing reading on adoption. So she's probably drowning in her pain without a clue of what you are going through. She would have been told that adoption was the best for you so she probably thinks that you don't really have an issue with it... It's not a good excuse I know but I think people in reunion need to do some research about adoption - there are some good books out there - so that they can come to understand each other's issues and learn to deal with it. Plus I think you have to give reunion TIME. But if one side is not co-operating then it's so sad for the other party - especially an adoptee who has a right to have answers to many basic question.

Having said all that I'm like Colleen - somedays this adoption business drives me batty and I just want to run away and hide and not think about it anymore. have a great time in New York. lol Banjo

[Robinsmom]

Banjo,
I agree with everything you have said, in fact I do not think I could have said it better, wow, the whole thing about the old boyfriend, that is just how it is. I just never could find the right way to put it. The crumbs on the table, also a great way of putting it. I have found myself, settling for what ever I can get, and you are right, I look at them as prizes. Who knew all of this, I did not know what to expect, but I don't know that I ever thought it would be quite as heart wrenching as all of this has been. I find myself running everyday, to the computor, for a few words, and being worried out of my mind, when they are not there. I am a pretty tough girl, had alot of bad stuff happen to me in life, that I have managed to over come, and I look at myself as positive and strong, but all of this can turn me into a mess, not something I like to see myself as. How do we deal? where do we fit in? will there ever be more? These are all questions that I will never know the anwsers to. I look forward to you insight, Banjo, you seem to be as inter-twined in this, as I am. Will you tell us your story? I would like to hear it.
Colleen

[GMH]

banjo

i think it drives us all a bit nutty,I think I have asked my birthmother all the basic questions in the one call we had.It was a
little over 2 hours long ,she said I love you just I put the phone(what a crock).Do you feel guilty about the adoption or is a wanting to find out what if.It takes alot to do what your'e doing .
I don't think I could ever call my B-mom mom or mum or anything like that ,somepeople maybe different but thats how I feel.You said I should give the Reunion time ,why nothings happening she knows were I am has my phone number,address and a photo of me and my son(people say he is my clone).The photo was given to her because I looked the same at 2yrs old so she could she what she missed.The reason why I won't give her time is I'm not prepared to put myself out for some more hurt .If anybody can give me a good reason why then let me know.

Take Care of Yourselves and Your Families

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
I am so happy to hear you are comming to the great state of new york. September is a good month to do it, very nice here in the fall, where will you be going, new york city, or somewhere else. Don't kid yourself, you are as mixed up in all of this as we are, you are just looking out instead of in, if you know what I mean. I don't think any of us are ever the same, after we start getting info, its hard to turn back, nomatter what the outcome.
Colleen

[banjo]

Hi to you both. I have not been in New York since 1994 and plan to be back in about 10 years for another visit. I loved NY and also travelled coast to coast - America is just such a beautiful country! Plus we managed to see a bit of Canada - fantastic as well! So GMH make the most of your visit and don't dwell on the bmother thing! She's sweating it out in boring old Oz. While you will be living it up in Manhatten - oh I am sooo jealous already!

I was in London May 2003 for the warmest start to summer - the last week of May it got over 28 degrees!

Anyways my story is that I foolishly went into an open adoption thinking I was doing the right thing for my child. I was not ready to be a parent nor a sole parent. I was OK for about 8 years and the open adoption has been better than expected ie far more visits than originally planned (turly Thank God!). But I always had this "underlying depression" that's what I called it. It was like I was slighly depressed all the time and could not shake it. After the birth of my second child I got really down and dwelt on my first daughter and struggled with a difficult number two daughter.

I got proper adoption counselling and through reading books she recommended I stumbled across this forum which has been like therapy. Lots of members have recommended great books on everything from the Four Agreements to books on grief. Of course I have read the Primal Wound! (I'm a big reader). It has helped me as does the discussions on reunions etc. because open adoption is quite a new twist to the adoption experience there's few adults who have ever experienced this situation. So I've had little fed back on the long term outcome.

My daughter is now 13 and no longer seems to want to communicate with me but thanks to other forum members I've discovered that many adopted pre-teens have little interest in their birthfamily at this time. So armed with this knowledge I'm just hanging in there and sending love her way and telling myself not to feel rejected....

GMH - I do feel guilty - I made a huge mistake for both of us and I can't turn back the clock but I just pray that it works out good for her because basically (apart from constantly missing her) my life is good! She is very close and loyal to her amother so I think she has felt torn and there has been tears from her after visits because she says it's hard on her mother.....

I'm also not suggesting that you hang around waiting for your bmother to reinitiate contact! I just think in reunions where both parties are communicating then I hope they take time to get to know each other and try to understand each other's issues.

My daughter will never call me "mum". she has a perfectly good mother and I will never take her place...which brings us back to my role? What is it? At the moment I'm not sure what it is and i don't know what she thinks - although she's hopefully more worried about school, boys and her friends than me! I've had two short visits with her this year and a couple of phone calls. I hope to see her next month - if she agrees to the visit....Patience and faith and hope for me!

Colleen - I know your pain! But hang in there because I think that's what we birthmothers have to do even though it's hard because we have to redevelop trust with our children. The adoptee is hurt somewhere deep down that we "abandoned them" whatever the birth reliquishment story so it's logical that it's very hard for them and that many adoptees are angry with their birthmothers - so they should be! We left them with strangers - although I know many bmothers were forced and coerced etc. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I think us birthmothers have to deal with our own feelings of rejection and loss and be strong for our birthchildren.

I would love to be in email contact with my bdaughter - I hope that will come in the next couple of years. She has just started mobile phone texting my father (her grandfather who is has also been in contact since birth) so that is a step forward.

lol Banjo

[Robinsmom]

Banjo,

As a mother, of 4 girls, and two boys, and one birthdaughter, let me tell you, 12 year old girls do not know what they want from one minute, to the next. They are a mess, and I really know alot about this, I've gone through it twice already and am looking at going through it again in a couple of years. From about 11-16, girls, as a rule, strike out against thier mothers, they are too busy finding the woman they are going to be. It is hard for them to relate to us, because they have no idea who they are, its our flaws, that they can't deal with. They are fighting so hard, to not be like us, that they make our lives horrible. Only to find years later, that they are just like us. I hope that makes sence. So, if your daughter falls in that age group, and with all the other factors, it can almost be forseen, that she would start this now. It will pass, its just something that all mothers and daughters go through. Don't think that she is directing only towards you, I'm sure that her A-mom is also feeling the heat. I hate to tell you, but it gets worse, before it gets better. It will get better, I remember when my daughter, Rachel, was that age, I thought she hated my guts, we fought daily, and I saw her making horrible choices, she would not listen to reason or advice, in fact, if I offered any, she would do just the opposite. Now, today, she has a college degree, a wonderful little girl, and a good job, she calls me daily, for advice, and just to talk. You would never know, that a few year ago, she wanted nothing to do with me. I have come to believe, that all girls, should be boys, through thier teenage years, it would save mothers, alot of pain. Give your daughter some time, and space, she will come around, you have a strong background with her, and in time, she will remember that. Keep your chin up, as my old Dad would say, things can only get better. Or at least we can hope. Just think, you will get to go through it first hand in about 10 years, just remember what I have said when that time comes. Take care.
Colleen

[GMH]

Collen&Banjo
Don't think its just girls ,boys can be difficult to my son is not what you call an easy child.He is diffently tied to hi mothers apron
strings.I think I was the same from what my mother told me and used to constantly cry as a baby.
Relax I will not being having any pleasure in NY sleep is the only peace I have were in town for just 2 nights & one day then back home.The airmiles are the only bonus I will get.
I'm trying not to sound rude when I say this but I still can't see what you girls are going to get from a relationship with your B-Kids.
Just a though for you both I spoke to my brother he is interested
in any contact with his b-parents.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
What brother? Is he adopted too. I was so caught up in your story, I must not have caught the brother story. Let me know the details, I am always interested in a good story. No time for fun, in New York, there is always time for fun. All work and no play....
Colleen

[GMH]

My A-Brother which I don't class him as he to me is just my brother.Is not interested and will probably send his b-parents a letter to get med info with no contact wanted.He was closer to our Dad and him dying this year hit him like a 9-11 blast.His wife is a diamond like mine and is of the same opinion.He had a son this year so he needs the medical info ,thats why spoke about ,because he knows some of the crap , I have been through so he's prepared .
Its just a buisness trip in New York , a couple of meetings ,dinner then up early for the flight.