[GMH]

Ok maybe your right she will come back but there are doubts .I also don't think things happen for a reason too many things have happened in my life to suggest that its a falicy.My a Dad was a true Gent took loads of crap of my a Mum ,had a few crippling car accidents .He didn't have one harmful bone in his body my wife loved him like her own Dad ,everybody got on with him.He died early this year (Cancer) and I was there in the last week and from being in a normal state to watch his body shut down and the pain he was in , there is no way that happened for a reason.Also why did she keep one and give one up before you reply she was on her own for the second baby as well.This whole process has made me something of a detective and realist .I have some good time to think over the weekend and its not bothering me its not like I would ever meet her she lives on the other side of the world not round the corner .Also ask yourself how my family(wife and son) felt when they found I was adopted this year , you seemed to side with B-Mom with understanding the adoptee's feelings .My world got turned upside down when I found out my whole life has been false ,rember adoptees don't have anycontrol over the adoption ,but later in life we have kids and medical info means alot ,it does to me my son has had quite a few illness.
We all have feelings in this process and they go up and down like yoyo's I just hope she does want to play happy families now because I'm past that , I'd like just like the whole sorry episode to pack its bags ad go now away.
Anyway I do see were your coming from and none of what I have said is personal its just me blurting .I do have issues with my a mum in the way I was bought up and some of that is down to my b-mum .Anyway I'm talking with my A mum and things and alot of things are coming out and issues sorted actually its bring us closer than I have ever been.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
You should be close to your a- mom, she is your mother, your b -mom may have given you life, but your a -mom rasied you. She was there for you , and if you had never found out about the adoption, would your feelings for her be any different? As a birth mom, I can say, that you were handed a bad deal, to get through your whole life, and not know something like this, must have be awful, it would change how you looked a everything. I don't know what your a-mom's situation was, but if you are such a secret, then don't waste your time. When I found my birthdaughter, I wanted to tell everybody who could understand, that I had found the missing peice of my heart. I can not understand, why she would turn on you, just because she couldn't tell the people around her, the truth. If that is the kind of person she is, do you really want to know her? Get the medical info for the sake of your son, and run back to your a-mom. Don't put yourself, and your family through any more heartache. I am so happy that I found my daughter, I would not have missed this for anything in the world, I feel more happy about life, than I have in years, everything has worked out, and we are becomming great friends. I have taken my other daughter to meet her, and they were both thrilled to meet. I think that you deserve more than to be treated like a secret. Maybe your b-mom will come around, but after talking to so many people on this forum, I along with you, are starting to think that some people are better off not being found. I am so lucky, that I have a wonderful daughter, who wants to know me, but my heart brakes for all of you, who look so hard, and for so long, only to be hurt in the end. I was sorry to hear about the loss of your father, I too, watched my father suffer through a long and painful illness, my thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself, and rebuild the family you have, if your b-mom changes her mind, there is always time for a relationship in the future. Maybe when you are in a better frame of mind, after the shock of finding out the truth, and the pain, of losing your father, have let up alittle, you can start again. I would like to be a sounding board for you, if you need one, sometimes, a stanger can be your best hope. Let me know.
Colleen

[NikkiLGA]

I am sorry that so many of us at different ends of the triad are hurting, and Ms. JoJo, I am sorry that you're walking through this difficult time with your son. I think many adoptees use the "medical info." as an excuse. I think many of us feel to ask for more makes it seem maybe like we don't appreciate our adoptive families.

Tomorrow will be the 2 year anniversary of my reunion with members of my birthfamily. My birth mother Liz, died in 1977 from injuries received in a car crash. You can read my story at adoption.com, emag, June 17, 2003 issue, "He Did This for Us" by Nikki Lever. You will see that I wasn't really searching for her because of information contained in my papers that basically said "her pregnancy was unconsented" leaving me to believe "rape." I never wanted to interrupt her life or cause further grief to her. I have since learned so much more. Even that when she passed, she had already begun to look for me. I would have been 4 then.

I guess part of my point is, even when I denied wanting to know anything about her, in my heart I really did want to know all I could ever know. I wondered about her for most of my life, but never told my parents because I feared it would hurt their feelings.

Well, when everything happened nearly 2 years ago, it was tough, but I know God brought that reunion together to help bring healing to my birth family. My grandmother was the driving force behind my mother relinquishing me. Then, 4 years later, my mother dies, and think how terrible the grief was on her family, especially knowing somewhere out there she had a child.

It has all worked out, and I must say, its tough at times. I love my grandparents, visit with them each week, and talk to grandma nearly every afternoon by phone, (she's just 20 minutes up the road). I am close to my Aunt Amy (my mother's youngest sister). But my other aunt and uncle seem more standoffish. I can understand because they went through a lot with their sister, but at times it does hurt. I know its not "instant family" and you can't make up for lost time.

I wish you all luck in your situations, and that God will bring peace to your hearts.

Love - NikkiLGA

[MissScarletLa]

I wasn't trying to defend your birthmother, please understand that just try to to make you see another side of the coin. You said she has kids that didn't know and you have felt like a big secret. I know its not fair and I can understand how that must have felt it really sucks.

I was the sibling of a birthmom and I searched for 11 years for my older sister not knowing anything about a younger sister and found her. 2 months after a wonderful reunion, I was devasted to find out that I had another one out there. Not that I had another sister just at the fact my mother never told me. I felt so betrayed and angry that i had a younger sister that grew up in the same state I did the whole time less than 100 miles from me and I could have found her much easier than my older sister, worst of all she is my 100% biological sister. I felt soo cheated.

I'm not trying to make any less of your feelings but trying to share mine experience because as a sibling we have literally NO RIGHTS. We signned nothing and we are denied the right, to love, grow up with and even know, or get ANY info without the Birthmoms consent. I had to beg for any info.

One thing though Your birthmom will never be anything other than the woman that gave birth to you. Your mom is the woman who raised you and stayed up with you when you were sick, and helped you with your homework. It takes more than just giving birth to be a mom, its work. One of my Newly found adopted sisters gave a baby up for adoption and wants me to acknowledge her as a mother in the same way as I am. I am raising 2 children and she doesn't even take care of her own animals. I'm always there for her on her sons birthday for emotional support but thats my limit.

I'm sorry that your feeling hurt by all of this, nobody deserves to feel hurt by any of this, I am sure she will come around but in the mean time don't forget the woman that has been there for you all your life that you have called mom. She needs you as much as you need her. Ask yourself what you would do if this was any other person that was inflicting this kind of pain on your life? Would this person still be a part of your life and would you still care?

God bless you and Good luck Hugs because I feel you need them!
Terri

[GMH]

Maybe someone has the wrong end of the stick on this one ,what I mean't to say was don't agree that things happen for a reason.Too much in my life has deicated this not to be true.My family doesn't need rebuilding (wife&son),what does need building is the relationship between myself and a mom.Thats being done which is good and we speak alot more now than ever before.I don't actually think my B-Mom will come around as it was put I think its all been too much ,its a shame but her loss,I don't see why I should leave the door open either that would be my fault if I got hurt again.No one has replied to my question what do we actually achieve from building a relationship with our B-parents ,I'm either ignorant or just don't understand.Anyway you
guys have helped alot just by talking which has put me in a better
mind when talking to A-Mum.It also makes me more determined to be as close as I can with my son.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
I wish I knew the anwser to your question, but I don't. Maybe there is no real anwser. I know that for myself, the need to know my birthdaughter was always there. Something inside me, of which I had no control. I still don't know what anybody gets out of the relationship, other than the piece of mind that comes from knowing your child did have the life you wanted for them. I think that it is different for everybody, so there is really no clear cut anwser. I think you are doing the right thing, if your b-mom doesn't want to know you, then it's her loss. She is the one who is missing out, not you. Good luck with your a-mom, I hope you are able to rebuild the relationship with her. Take care, and let us know how it is going for you.
Colleen

[GMH]

Hi

Exactly what I said before the Moms have the bond through carrying us in pregnancy .I as other adoptees don't have that
bond .I think some of the other anger comes from a situation
that was out of my control ,only to be told I always thought
you were safe .What a crock.Never mind sounds you are have
a good relationship with your daughter which is good .

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
Now don't get all cranky with me, I'm on your side. I did not say anything about bond, I just said that I always wanted to know about my daughter, not anybody else. Everybody is different, I know there are mothers out there that don't care at all, I just happen to not be one of them. I have 6 other childrens, whom I worry about every time they leave the house, so it makes sence to me that I would think about my first child too. I was saying, that I can not understand these woman, who have children that they don't care about. I have all kinds of respect for amoms, they chose to mother children, who may or may not have had a better life. I think you need to figure out who you are really mad at, and direct that anger towards them. When you open the door, and ask for advice, you have to be willing to accept it. Not everybody see's things the way you do, but again, you opened the door. All these people are trying to do, is to help you get through this. You might want to be alittle more understanding. If you want to talk, not yell, not blame, we are here.
Colleen

[MissScarletLa]

I know part of the reason my mother waited after my younger sister made contact with her to tell me was I had a medical condition that was life threatening and I was on a LOW stres order. My mother waited until they ruled out that I didn't have a brain tumor or an anurism after I had a mild stroke at 29. My younger sister made contact with my mother in August of 2000 and it drove my younger sister absolutely crazy that my mother wouldn't tell me about her. She feared the first time she would meet me was in a coffin. As soon as the doctor gave the green light that everything was ok my mother sprung it on me.

Please understand that I am not defending birthmoms here because I feel what my own mother did was wrong! She told me about one at 17 and why not both at the same time? But stop and think about the shock you would undergo if you were just finding out NOW that you were adopted and your whole life was a lie what a surprise that would be? What kind of chaios would be going on in your family right now? Your mom would be doing heavy damage control to keep her family together. I'm not saying this situation was handled right but if you completely close the door when the flames do settle there isn't any hope to reconsile. I think deep down inside thats what you want But at the same time don't forget the pain that you have experienced now, set your boudaries and limits of what your willing to take.
Your siblings might be mad right now but they aren't mad at you they are mad at there mom, I speak from experience. In time curiosity, will get to them and they will start to wonder if you look alike act alike and want to meet you. You might be hurt by B-mom but your sibs didn't have anything to do with this and don't fault them for anyone elses mistakes. Give it some time. B-mom might not come around but I guarntee your sibs will. Depending on ages. Private message me if you want to talk.

(((((Hugs))))

Terri
Sibling Reunited with 2 Adopted siblings 2000

[GMH]

Whoo hold on girls no-ones getting cranky its just me blurting if it
feels personal its not.I think if were are looking for blame Not that blame is a good thing )here then its got to be with my B-mom she was 21 when it happened and was pushed into by her mother.To clear up another point the anger stuff wasn't coming from any of her children it was from her siblings.I side with Robin in what she said about her kids thats cool and when you do stuff with your kids the appreciation you can see on there faces is priceless.I'm not mad at her I think I'm mad at myself I only wanted to contct her in the begining for medical information only
I talked to several people close to me about it ,they said that was cold and I should talk and try to get to know her .I should have trusted my instincts on the contact basis then left it.I do have the same thing looming with contact my birth father I only know his first name and that he probably doesn't know I exsist.As Terri said my limit is up so if by a miracle I find him it will
be for medical info only then the door closes welded shut forever.
What you guys also might not understand is I was adopted in New Zealand the law is different there once the adoptee is 18 yrs either birth parent or adoptee can apply and get the original birth certifcate ,the the social services will search all goverment records and newspapers for you.So if we all think about this nice and calm like she could have contacted me 14years ago .So i add all this up to whats gone on and my limit is about to be broken.Thanks alot for listening to me garble on and nothing I have said is directed in personal or nasty why toward anyoe person or being,thats not in my nature.

quote of the day

Adoptee's Don't choose start it but we can finish it.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,

Now that was a letter, I think you write much better when you are not cranky. Its a hard life, we all live, so many secrets and so many feelings. Its hard not to be angey at one point or another. All I was saying is, be careful how you direct your blurts. We all blurt, every time we come on here, but you have to try to make sure we know who you are blurting at. We are mostly all women, and we tend to take everything personal. It really stinks, about your birthmom, she doesn't know what she is missing. Every birthmom on this forum would have jumped for joy, if that letter had been for her. I wish it could have been different for you. I know too, that New York State does not have that thing , where you can get a copy of the birth certifcate. I wish they did. It would make alot of adoptee's lives much easier. No searching, you know. New Zealand, how cool, I have always wanted to go there, but price of ticket, is through the roof from New York. Do you still live there? I would like to listen, if you still would like to write, I won't yell, anymore, I promise. Its just that mom part of me, if I don't yell once in a while, nobody pays any attention. But, you have to admit, it got your attention. Take care GMH, and let us hear from you soon.
Colleen aka Robinsmom

[GMH]

You are right about people taking things personal when then written and not understood in the same meaning as they were wrote.Something else I should probably tell you my B-Mom left the country not long after she gave birth to me.Her brother thinks the whole thing had such a big affect on her life.I live in London, England now have done for 12 years.NZ is cool I would live there but my wife won't ,I enjoy London's hustle and busy anyway.The relationship thing you said I wish it was different for you.I don't think I do want a relationship with her ,I 'm adiment my first feelings of just get the medical information then say goodbye were right.Even the social worker I spoke to said these things are
a complete nightmare ,a real can of worms.

[Robinsmom]

Gmh,

Your social worker is right. Its never perfect, even in the best of reunions. There is always a certain amount of strangeness, and lines that can not be crossed. I'm not really sure that I understand this whole thing, and I'm right in the middle of it.
England, also cool, my grandparents are also from England. They left there, to live in Newfoundland Canada. My father spoke with an English accent, and my friends could never understand him. I had no problems, I always thought it was cool.
I think your mother ran away. I wish we knew what she was running from. But at this point, who cares, again, its her loss. Take care.
Colleen

[GMH]

RobinsMom

My a father had the same problem he had a thick Scottish accent.
Through you and I talking I think we are actually discovering that my B-Mom is actually a very nice person.Not even worth getting to know which is fine with me .It might actually send me to the nuthouse if I had geniune nice carrying Mom.Your'e kids are lucky they have you and I commend you on the whole thing with your daughter sounds like you could not have handled it better.
I'd love to get to New York because I'm a big Soprano's fan I went to school with a girl who lives there .Don't know about the snow you guys get there though.

TGIF

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
See, its not so hard. Sometimes, you just have to take a minute to get to know somebody before you judge. Everybody has a story. I hope you are right, about my daughter, I mean, she sometimes seems so distant, and it is hard for me to know what to think. I am at a loss, as to what to do or say. It is not so bad, in new york. The snow is only bad, sometimes, but the rest of the year, it is a very nice place to live. I have heard that the winters in London, are not much better. Here, where I live, out in the middle of farm country, we only get a small amount of snow, most of the time. New York City gets even less. You just have to stay away from the Lakes, thats where all the snow is. If its mob life your looking for, New York is your place. Rich in history, don't you know. There's still alot of it around, now, but they just don't talk about it as much. How about you? How old is your son? My kids, range in age from 28 to 5. I just love having them around. I am sure it keeps me young, and before you place me as a really old lady, I'm only a very young 43. Talk to you soon.
Colleen