[Dawn74]

Today I woke up feeling POSITIVE and very hopeful. We did the shopping thing, but I couldn't get my husband away from HOME DEPOT and into the mall to buy Dr. Phil's book. But I will run out at lunch time monday and pick it up. I did find my old journal from years and years ago. One I started at the advice of a counselor I used to see. So tonight after all my chores are finished I will start my writing.

Jackie, I like you too! I am so glad you, Strmyhart01 and Wind_Rider visited my thread. You all have made me come around. You are all so very insightful.

I am heading out to mow the lawn which is when I do some really deep thinking myself. After that we are tackling the screening on our deck. ( You can only re-attach it so many times after the dog runs thru it!) I don't know what the weather is like where all of you live, but it's hot and sunny today and I am feeling great, so look out world here I come.
(((((((((((((((((((hugs!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))) ))

Talk to you later.
Dawn

[Jackiejdajda]

Nancy wrote..THEN I LEFT HIS PARENTS KNOW THAT THEY HAD NO RIGHT TO JUDGE AND THE ONLY THING THEY ACCOMPLISHED BY JUDGING ME WAS DEFINE THEMSELVES-

Yes... We get to have a voice.. We get to speak about what we are going through in a public forum..

Power to us!


Jackie

[ctquilter]

When I first contacted my birthdaughter, she was 18 and just graduated from HS. I got a letter from her telling me she wanted no contact. And a call from the agency she was placed through telling me her parents brought her in to complain about my contact. The social worker said she felt my daughter would be receptive, but her parents were controlling and would not be.

Two years later, I sent her a card for a holiday, and got a phone call. We met, had a good visit, and wrote for almost a year, until she said she couldn't handle lying to her parents. Okay, I told her; I'd wait.

About 2 years ago, when she was 36, I sent another card, including my email address. We've been emailing fairly steadily since. She's open with information about her family and with email, but not ready to meet in person again.

I think it takes a lot more time to process information and emotions for some people than others. My advice would be to wait a while, and send something like a card, or flowers (who doesn't like getting flowers?). Nothing heavy.

As for guilt? Sometimes I still feel guilty, but less so over the years. We later adopted a daughter, and she got all the things that the social workers told me I would never be able to provide for my bdaughter. Ballet lessons, bikes, college.

The writing is fantastic. I did it for years. However, being a night person, I wrote in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and was feeling guilty. I wrote my journals in shorthand because I was still in the closet to my kids. But it did feel better.

karen

[dawoman]

i am an adoptee and would like to respond to your dilema. i was told that my bmom was forced to give me up for adoption because back in 65 it was totally unacceptable to have a child out of wedlock. do i resent it ? no. do i understand? yes. she was caught between a rock and a hard place. if she kept me our lives would have always been an uphill struggle. by giving me up for adoption i had so many more opportunities than i otherwise would have. i never would have met my husband, had my son or anything. i did not have the ozzie and harriet childhood but my childhood made me what i am today.
in response to your guilt, would you have felt less guilty if you couldn't take care of your child properly? this way she had more opportunities in life. by letting your daughter be adopted was one of the most unselfish things you probably had ever or will ever do. think of the bible story(i am not religious so i can't tell you which one it is) about the two women fighting over the baby and the judge says to split the baby in half. the real mother would rather have her baby live and gave her to the other woman. in a way that is kinda what you did. you would rather see your daughter happy regardless of your feelings. don't feel guilty at all. you did the best thing.

[Wind_Rider]

i did not have the ozzie and harriet childhood but my childhood made me what i am today.

Nice way to put it. Inspiring statement of recovery.

Respect.

[Dawn74]

I for once, don't know what to say! Your words have brought such comfort to my heart. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to share your feelings with me.
My bdaughter said nearly the same thing to me when we met that day. She said she understood why I gave her up and she said she loved me for it and thanked me. She has a really good relationship with her aparents and asiblings. I felt so relieved that day that she understood. But since she withdrew so quickly, I guess I was wondering if she just said it because she thought that is what I wanted to hear.
To hear the same from another adoptee, makes me feel as if she may really understand. But I know she has alot of other emotions to deal with. I am going to just give her time and continue to visit this forum for strength.
About Ozzie and Harriet... well their family didn't even have the Ozzie/Harriet childhood they portrayed on TV.
I think all parents do the best they can. As in everything in life some are just better at it than others. We learn so much from our childhoods and like you said it makes us what we are today.
We each make our own share of mistakes.
It seems as if your aparents didn't do such a bad job raising you.

Bless you!
Dawn

[Moonlight]

Hello Dawn,

I found your message through the email newsletter that was sent via email. I haven't read all the replies but I wanted you to know hear opinions from every culture, personality, and emotion that differs from one person to the next, even if they share the same experience (which can really never be exactly the same).

I am an adoptee (24 years old). After 3 long years, I found my birthmother. It has been 8 months since I found her (I found my birthfather 2 months after I found her) and I have not told my adoptive parents yet. I struggle with it everyday... not knowing what I should do. Here's why...

I am very close to my adoptive parents... especially my dady. I'm daddy's little girl. My twin brother (we were adopted together) isn't as close to my parents. I was born in California but grew up in Hawaii. I moved back to CA to finish college. My parents are still in HI. One of the reasons why I decided to come back to CA was to search for my birth parents.

I struggle so much with the issue of telling them because of what I know is their biggest fear... and they never had to tell me... I can just feel it. They are afraid to lose us. They are afraid that the birth parents will reclaim their children. That is the biggest fear of all adoptive parents. I know this especially of my afather because he always gets defensive when my amother suggests or asks about my interest in searching for my bparents... and several years ago, he told me something that he has never told anyone- not even my amom... when they first adopted us, my afather had recurring nightmares that someone was trying to take us away from them. I think this fear stays with them even through our adult lives. I'm a fully grown adult (still young at that but still adult) yet I know this is still a fear that gnaws at their hearts.

I have a close relationship with bmom now and it has been wonderful to get to know her as a friend... as well as the rest of the family. She suggested that I not tell my aparents until I get married... the point where they will 'lose' me to my husband... so that they won't feel like they have really 'lost' me to someone else. It's one thing to lose someone to another man, who I'll spend the rest of my life with, and to lose someone to somebody we really 'belong' to... but it will lessen their fears of losing their children to another set of parents; because my aparents are MY PARENTS. They raised me. No one else can claim that title and yet they don't feel so much like parents once bparents enter the picture.

So, I hope this helps in your understanding of your bdaughter and her family. She is older than I and probably married by now but some of this might explain the emotions that run through their minds and hearts.

Don't worry... in time, all things will fall together nicely. I tried for 3 years to find my bparents and I finally did... even through endless failures and dead ends... there is still a way. Keep the faith.

~Kim

[Dawn74]

my afather had recurring nightmares that someone was trying to take us away from them

This is precisely the reason I did not search for my bdaughter sooner. There was no way I ever wanted her parents to feel that I would try and take her away from them. What would that do to a child, psychologically? I felt it was going to be tough enough on her dealing with being adopted. I was especially horrified what happened with baby Jessica. I have always wondered how she is doing.

I think you have very valid reasons for not wanting to tell your aparents about bmom.

I actually met with my bdtr's parents the day before I met her. We had such a great visit and left each other hoping to become friends. I also spent the next afternoon with them, so I truly believed we would form a relationship. But bmom has pulled back also, so it may be that she is afraid of losing her.
I don't want to be her mother. She already has one. I would rather be treated say... like an aunt. One that you would include in special times of your life, but that wouldn't necessarily be at every little occasion. It has always been a dream of mine to watch her walk down the isle. (She is not married yet) It would mean so much to me as my own mother passed away before I married. I don't want to be treated as Mother of the Bride, certainly her amom has earned that right. But I would just like to be part of the crowd.

Well, I am so happy that you are getting close with your bmom. She is a lucky woman.

Thanks for your input. It means a lot to me!
Dawn

[Jackiejdajda]

karen wrote..The writing is fantastic. I did it for years. However, being a night person, I wrote in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and was feeling guilty. I wrote my journals in shorthand because I was still in the closet to my kids. But it did feel better.

Oh I understand that..

I am glad you posted..


Jackie

[ChristiBender]

I think above all else Aparents need time... time to adjust... time to see how some things have changed, but that their role in their children's lives has not been altered greatly.

I think that as adoptees we have to realize that when most of us were adopted through the closed system our aparents really believed that we would never search.... that we couldn't. And that there was NO way we could be found. Obviously (and thankfully) searching can and does happen now. Still, they were married to that belief for a long time. Watching it go up in smoke is very scary. Add to that the fact that some aparents are now over 50.. or 60 even.... and that change gets tougher the older people get.

I have recently been thinking about writing a letter to my aparents explaining how I am coming to see that I am my own individual who grew from four people. In some ways I got certain interests from my biology (horses in my case) but those interests were fostered by my aparents devotion, time, money and support. Without them I wouldn't have been able to indulge in that love as I have. I haven't figured out the whole letter... but I think it is something I will get out in the near future.

Knowing how to express to your aparents that they are still your parents is sometimes hard.... but keeping your intentions on a straight path toward that will help to guide your actions.

[Wind_Rider]

It is a veryinteresting topic to me this four parent threory. There is lots of nice and interesting work already done on the subject. One of the best is "the legacy of an adoptied child" poem i have seen here on the threads.

I would like to include the perception that there are two children involved in the equation also: the Achild and the Bchild. There is from my perception a slow death or even torture of myself as i had been going through my developing years.

Christi, i would live to read your letter you write about your perception about the four parents. It has inspired the idea for me to write further about the two children perspective. I will not get into the details of it now except that the life of me as a Bchild has taken some very black and white differences in maturation. I may even start a new thread on this to see if another adoptee ever felt this way before of after reunion.

I had recieved another letter from my Bsis that ended in a very touching note.

... My heart aches when you commented you don't know where to start looking to find your scattered past. That is so sad & I've turned into Boo-Hoo Betty again. Maybe you can start fresh - & start over. Xmas {the first reunion} can be your past & think of how wonderful that was & build from there. Now that you have found Mom - that can be your rebirth...

Respect.

[ChristiBender]

As to your thoughts regarding Achild vs Bchild.

As I am early into my reunions with Bparents (I found them both separately) and my feelings shift frequently I would love another disucssion of this. I will certainly keep you posted on the letter... at present, as I said, the idea is brewing... soon....I will write it soon.

[Dawn74]

that my bdtr had moved. Silly me. I'm sure I mentioned I sent her a birthday present. I have been assuming that she received it since it never came back to me.
Guess what was in my mailbox when I got home from work this evening? The package I mailed to her on January 26th.
It had been forwarded to a new address, but it was marked 'unclaimed' and finally 'return to sender'.
I looked her up in the white pages and got her new phone number.
But here come the rejection feelings again. Did she get it and send it back? Did she never receive it and now she is feeling rejected? I put the card in the package so she didn't get that either. There is no street address listed for her in the white pages.
So now I have to decide if I call or not. I am pretty sure I will call tonight after she gets off of work. (Maybe that changed to?) I want her to hear from me that I didn't forget her birthday. And maybe tonight I will be able to get a straight answer from her as to whether she wants me to stay in contact or not. I just wish she would be upfront with me. Course, she is probably assuming since she doesn't call me (my number has not changed) that I would GET THE HINT and leave her alone. Some of us are just a little thicker than others. And in my heart of hearts I don't want to give up.
Thanks for listening again
Dawn in the dumps

[skinnylou]

Ah Dawn crawl up on that trash heap!!!!

I don't know why we do that to ourselves. I am as guilty as the next for the self induced guilt over dose!

We don't give up hope! We can't it is part of us . Maybe your right maybe your daughter isn't ready to have contact.

BUT give up hope? NEVER.

[ChristiBender]

Just reading your last post. I feel awful for you.... and for your daughter. You are a wonderfully warm person. I am sure she is too. I hope you called and that it was a positive experience.

Not all people can process this reunion stuff at the same rate.... I know you know that. But without calling you are suffering and I hate to see that.

Give it a go.... the reality, which has as much chance of being good as anything else, is waiting for you.

As Skinnylou said.... crawl up on that trash heap and NEVER give up HOPE!!!