[Lewey]

do you let your birthchild break your heart before you say no more, it's just not meant to be? I thought that I was doing everything right this time, I've been taking it slow, keeping it light hearted, and I really don't have any expectations this time, but my son have retreated once again and although I'm hurt, I won't allow myself to go back to that awful pain I was in the last time this happened, does knowing that this is just him help, yes, but how many times more times before I say enough, I'm trying to enjoy my life, my husband and I are trying to have a baby, it took 2o years before I ever considered having a child again, I just don't know if I can keep going in and out of a relationship with him, I know he's still young and may change, but I'm already starting to feel emotionally exhausted again, I just don't think I can keep doing this.

Lewey

[patrisha]

You didn't say how old your son was, but from your post I'm guessing around 20. That's plenty old enough to have been taught right from wrong in the area of basic courtesy. I know many adoptees claim to need to back off for a while during the emotional waves of reunion. Unfortunately, I think it's also used as a convenient excuse for the periods that other things have just plain taken social priority.

If he chooses to continue to repeat the disappearing act knowing how it bothers you, and it is unduly upsetting the quality of your life, you need tell him the relationship is not working out for you and you need a "time out" on your time table instead of his. It's important to be understanding of adoptees emotional issues, but Lord knows us birth moms have had our share, too.

A mutually rewarding reunion is a great thing, but when the pain outweighs the reward too many times, a pessimistic attitude can develop that can spoil future relationship ability.

Good Luck
Trish

[Lewey]

my son is now 22, if I had known 2 years ago that I should wait until he was older and a little more ready for reunion, I would have waited, but I can't go back and everyone says it's all about him, he's a boy, they're harder, he's just testing you, if you back off he'll feel abandoned once again and dont ask him why does this, but what I don't understand is this, do I just let him breeze in and out of my life when he feels like it, letting me just hang there wondering what happened this time, do I accept this is just his way and leave it at that, what would you do, what would anyone do.

Lewey

[BrandyHagz]

Lewey,

I disagree!

I think you should be upfront and honest with him. He doesn’t seem to be sparing any expense when he backs away from the relationship. And besides, it doesn’t sound like you have a whole heck of a lot to lose in this anyway.

Write him a letter. Explain to him that you do love him, and want to be a part of his life…but you are unsure of where he is in his decision to have you in his life. Explain that you’re going to leave the relationship up to him. Let him be in control of what he wants…either way, it falls back to him.

I have had to do the same with my birthmother…although she’s made it pretty clear she wants no more contact. I did write her a final letter explaining that I did still want to be a part of her life, and no matter what, I would always try to be there for her when the time was right. I also told her I would keep her apprised of any changes in my contact information, should she decide to pursue a relationship at a latter date.

Create closure for yourself, even though it isn’t closure for the relationship. Except that you have done all you can do to make the relationship work. Reunions are like a marriage, they will only work if both parties are willing to work for it…you cant do 90%, while he only does 10%.

Good luck with your decision, I hope that your son sees what an awesome opportunity he has with this reunion, and straightens up!

[condetti123]

Hi Lewey. I agree with Brandy completely. I am a birthmom and also an adoptee. And I will tell you that when I found my birthmom, I was ready to meet her and hopefully have some form of relationship with her. When we finally met, I was excited and overwhelmed with everything from looking and talking about family pictures to meeting her whole entire family and having everyone come up to me and talk to me like I had been their family forever and calling me her daughter. I know that I am and was her daughter, but all of this with other things said or done in the first few months can either make the relationship or possibly break it or at least crack it. I have to say, I backed off a little for a while. I was getting married and invited them(her and my 2 half sisters) to come and they did. That was nice, but then after I had my daughter a couple of years after reunion, it just seemed like the relationship was being pushed too much. I was 25 at that time and still needed some space to figure out how to absorb everything. Now, after 12 years of knowing each other, I am the one who wonders how my ** really feels about me and why I feel like she somehow has abandoned me once again. My birthmom never kept much contact with me over these years, maybe a few calls in a year's time. We have seen each other approx. 10 times in 12-13 years. This is not what I really wanted. I wanted and still want to have a close relationship with her and my sisters. But because she is not honest with me and does not express her feelings to me, I have only felt like I should close up. I still am the initiator but I hope one day she will be more honest and open up to me. Lewey, the best thing for you to do is write him a letter as Brandy suggested. Be honest about how you feel and how you really want to be part of his life, but that you are leaving it up to him. The only thing extra that I would do if he did not respond to you for a while is to write him again about maybe once a year to let him know that you still care and desire the relationship with him. An adoptee can feel like the bp does not really want that contact or relationship if they are not reminded at least occasionally without pushing too much. Good luck and keep me updated. Hugs!!!

[patrisha]

Lewey,

What you do depends on what you feel you can live with. If you can emotionally handle the present relationship until he matures, then let it go and enjoy the time you have together.

I have an idea that at 22, interference from his social life (especially if he's single) is probably more at fault than any conscientious testing decision. My daughter (whom I raised) was very busy with her own life during the 19 to 25 age span. She spent many holidays travelling with friends, while I sorely missed her presence at home festivities. When she finally married and settled down she once again found room in her schedule for her parents.

I guess what I'm saying is that it may not be be about you or adoption. It may be about the blonde, brunette or red head he just met! LOL

A nice light hearted letter, or humorous card, letting him know you miss him might be plenty.


Trish

Lewey, I am sorry that you are feeling hurt with your reunion.

But there seems to be a reacurring theme that I have noticed on these boards. It involves all memebers of the triad....we are looking for someone else to relieve our "pain". Our pain belongs to us alone...we need to deal with it....get through it OURSELVES. We can not expect out birth children, birthparents, or anyone else to do it for us. We are all seperate human beings with our own personalites and capabilties. Once we have dealt with our own problems, figured out what is best for us and how we can do this on our own, can we bring someone else into the equation. Your son may not be CAPABLE (because of that blonde, redhead,LOL) at this time of giving you what you need. Birthparents may not be capable of giving what the adoptee needs, as an adoptee that hurts....but I am the one that has to deal with it...fair or not....we have to accept it!

We hope for the best but quite often we don't get it....to waste time and energy on blaming other people for our pain does not help us it just makes us stuck in our own pain.

[tenderheart80]

I just found this post...Has there been any changes???

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Lewey

do you let your birthchild break your heart before you say no more, it's just not meant to be? ... I won't allow myself to go back to that awful pain I was in the last time this happened, ... but how many times more times before I say enough, ...but I'm already starting to feel emotionally exhausted again, I just don't think I can keep doing this.

Lewey

I sympathise, hugely. My son has driven me to despair and a point that if I don't retreat, I will lose my sanity, and I mean exactly that. How I have allowed it to get this far, I don't really know, except that there is a whole lot of love inside, but he has abused my care and concern for him and been absolutely cruel. He may not realise this and he may have issues, we all do, but when YOU feel you can't go on, then you can't and no amount of listening to others that may be able to go that mile further will help. You have to keep your life together and if it starts to unhinge, if you start to unhinge, it is time for YOU to call it a day. We drive ourselves mad trying so hard to make it work, to understand, to make allowances, to cry, bleed, lean on others to get us through, have pyschological analysis of them of us, of life, it gets too much. It really does. Time for time out. Give yourself space, be kind to yourself, take care of yourself then you will be in a better position to assess whether you can cope or not. Life is difficult enough without being battered by siblings that have not the maturity/counselling/willingness to meet half way, and boy have I had enough (see other posts). My bson for me at this moment in time is toxic. I hope he will change his attitude, until he does, we cannot go further forward. Take care, I feel for you, I really do

[Patty-cake]

Yesterday I wrote a friendly e-mail to my daughter. I told her what I have been doing and sent pictures of my recent projects. I told her that I hoped that she is at peace and that I would love to hear from her. Of course I hope she answers but I will no longer allow myself to be miserable because my daughter has distanced herself. I do not intend to spend the rest of my life feeling bad about myself.

M. found me after 33 years. I was happy to learn that she was given to a loving family and that she was leading the kind of life most people want.

It was understandable that there would be questions. It was exhaustive and painful. I'm sure alot of you know what I mean. (She even forwarded a letter to me that her dad wrote about the night she was concieved- I did draw the line there.) I was recieving endless pictures of her and my grandson and felt everything would be okay after we met.

It was a profound experience to see and toutch her and to hold my granson. Soon after she broke it off. Something like "I have all the infomation I need - but don't think a relationship is possible."

For two years I have sent cards to her ocasionally and gifts for the kids. I get back "thank you notes" with a picture of the kids- thats it. I have gone crazy at times wondering what is so bad about me? I have been liked and respected by most people that know me. She never got to know me. The adult me, not the teenaged me. She never answered my questions except basic facts. I don't think she ever thought of me as a person- just a source of information.

I have read all this stuff about adoptee's
confusion during reunion etc.. Please don't ask me to understand. She is the only one who knows why and she's not talking. I'm just saying how I feel. If she doesn't answer my letter I will continue to send cards for her birthday and Christmas and gifts to the kids but I going to enjoy what is left of my life regardless. It may just be the increase of my antidepressant's but I feel better.

[Patty-cake]

Lewey, what I was trying to say in my last post is I understand your position I have reached the same point. I think there is a time to release it- ask God to handle the situation. Only He knows what is best for all concerned. Then you can put your energies toward your husband and starting a family.

This is what I have done just recently. Before I would ask God to handle it but I wanted him to do it my way. Now I am prepared to handle it His way- and accept his will. I am going to live my life regardless. Since this decision a great burden has been lifted. I think when I go back to the doctor I am ready to discuss tapering off my meds.

[Jordan's bmom]

I think he is old enough to have an adult discussion about how his disappearing act makes you feel. If he doesn't respond in a mature manner than I would have to tell him that the relationship is not working and he shouldn't contact you again until he is ready to have an adult relationship that respects eachothers feelings. As an bmom I don't know if I could actually do that. But i think that's what needs to be done. It will be hard. You and your husband are planning your future and I don't think your past should interfere with that. --- It is different with boys. They take so long to grow up. I think he needs to know that there are boundaries to any relationship and you will not be treated this way by anyone. Good luck, and I hope he comes to his senses and realizes that no matter how old or young or what other things are going on in his life, he needs his mom!

[Pinakitha]

I had a similar experience to yours. However, my son was a couple of weeks away from 31 when he contacted me for the first time.

I know that sometimes keeping in touch actually doesn't help that much. It isn't helping you for a start. You want to conceive and this kind of pressure on yourself won't help that.

Why not, for now, focus on you and your husband - and your desire to start a family? Put yourselves first for a change (I'm sure your son does, especially if he's quite young!)

Several people have already discussed writing him some kind of letter. I expect that Nancy Verrier would tell you that initially you should let the adoptee take the lead. However, after 18 months or so, if they are making you sad or hurting you, then they need to know that the things they say and do have an impact on others (apparently some of them don't realise this - I'm only going by what she says). However, you may find that this kind of approach may come across as manipulative (or at least be perceived that way).

You could revert to sending a birthday and/or Christmas card each year with, perhaps, an occasional brief, friendly letter/email that lets him know what you are doing and that you are still there. But, if this doesn't elicit a response of any kind after a couple of years, then you might feel that you need to "draw a line" under the relationship for your own sanity and well-being.

If that were to happen, then perhaps, you could write him a little note or send him an email in which you said something along the lines of: "I haven't heard from you for quite a while now. I just want you to know that, when you're ready, I'm here." Then sign off with whatever he calls you. Then all you have to do is send it off and try to focus on looking after yourself, your husband and, hopefully in the not too distant future, your children.

This not only helps you to draw a line under what has happened and allows you to get on with your life, it also leaves the door open for your son to contact you at some point in the future if - or when - he is perhaps more ready to have some kind of relationship with you than he is now.

I am sure that once you have a new family, you will find that time passes quickly. You will have other children to fill your days. Of course, nothing and no subsequent child will ever replace your son in your heart, but other children will, I am sure, be a comfort and allow you the joy of parenthood that you missed out on with your first child.

Be kind to yourself and do not let this get to you. Sometimes things work out when we stop focussing on them and just get on with life. I hope this happens for you.

[Lisasue]

Hey Lewy, I just went through that with my son too.

I asked him straight out what was going on, and where he sat with things, and if he needed space (he is also 20) I could do that for him, but to remember I loved him, and would always be there for him.

He wrote me back, with laughter he told me to stop worrying. That he was just in the middle of starting his career. Which I knew and had put my need to have him in my life ahead of him. He told me that at the time he looked for me he was very much involved in his music career, and didnt expect it to take off like it did. During the first six months of our reunion he put so much focus on knowing his bfamilies, that he felt he let his band down, and was not putting in equal time with them as they all were to make their band a success. So he decided to refocus, knowing we were backing him. Or atleast till I wrote him, figured we were backing him.Which of course we were, I just got lost in our reunion too.

I think because in the beginning of our reunions its so intense, much like a honey moon, that we become ingulfed in the moment, and forget that we have lives outside of the them(reunions), and that our children also had lives before us.

I think between the birthmoms and adoptees, we need to remember when coming together that we are effecting a huge spectrum of each others lives, and that we need to be clear on both sides of our needs from each other, our boundaries, and how much we give to offer each other. That way when we take a break, need space or just go on with our lives we dont confuse each other, and create sad feelings.

I think for birthmoms; (especially those like me who never wanted to place our children),We have wanted for so long to have our kids back in our lives, that we become obsessed to get back the time lost, and for what ever feelings we had or are trying to deal with from our past, (in my case failure, shame and guilt), we feel, the lack of response from our children is a reflection of our past. So we become anxious, and put our fears on to our kids.

Lewy, I would just ask your son in a letter or on the phone where he is with knowing you and your reunion. You might be surprise at his response. I knew I was when my son said to me
"Mom, you are my mom, I love you, I am busy with the band!" call you later hahahaha
made me feel kinda stupid, but I am glad I realized we have that kinda relationship!

Take care and good luck! look after yourself!

[radiodoll]

Hi, Lewey,

The hole in your heart is awful, isn't it? But there's always going to be holes in your heart with kids. Any kids. Every time. it goes with the territory. Boys don't relate to emotions well when they are this age. They usually are either too busy to notice anyone else is on the planet other than a cozy significant other. Or they're indignant and rageful...or they're simply dumfounded as what to say. Mine is a wonderful kid who is also and idiot 22 year-old. And frankly, he's been a whole lot easier than my 2 girls - 28 and 25.

I just don't believe that anyone in the world gets a big clue about anythign until at least 30. Somehow you become human at that point. Whatever.

My point is that all things change. Whether we like it or not. I can only be responsible for my own feelings. I dare not place my expectations on others for I will be disappointed. Why? Because people are human. That's all there is. Good and Bad. Right or wrong. Difficult or easy.

My birthmother has denied me any info or contact. But I have waited the court alloted time of three years and I am tryiong again. But not with histrionics this time. No expectations. No broken heart. She will either speak with me or she won't, but I have lost any feelings of malice. I am disappointed that this is how things are. But only I am responsible for my healing, with or without her.

At 22, I doubt whether any of us have had much of a clue about the big and more important picture. We were still in the "me me me" life. That's not where I want to be in my adult life. My stepchildren would never have gotten to be the wonderful pains in the *** that they are now if I had drowned in my own pain.

You will heal.
He will heal.
Life will be different
but not necessarily without feelings.

Be strong and live well. I feel your pain

Radiodoll