[Robinsmom]

ingodshands,
Your imput is always welcome here. We are not all mean people, I am a birthmother, and I still welcome any comments, anybody has. I was saddened to here the story of your birthfamily. There are a few out there, who give the rest of us a bad name. Please, pay no attention to what I say to GMH, it is never meant in meaness, only in fun. We have been talking for quite awhile, and have developed a rather odd way of dealing with our adoption problems, I do understand and agree with your anger, nobody should be lied to, not for any reason. Alway feel free to pipe in and let us know what you are thinking or feeling. We don't care what you say, we are all about venting on this post. Take care.
Colleen

[GMH]

TGIF

In God's Hands & Colleen

I think your'e right about the lies ,it bought something back to me from an email my b-mother sent me when we first started to email.I had said to her I wasn't bothered if the rest of family didn't want to me I would be happy getting to know her if thats all I got.She took this as a personal insult to her whole family and stated ,that I obviously didn't care about any hurt or damage I caused in her family and she would have to consider protecting them before even talking to me.
What we are dealing with are people who don't want to dragg up the past or are horrified we have even turned ,probably though
we were long gone.Now this is the important bit "don't beat yourself up there not worth it".

Peace and Salu to the Russians.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
Truer words, were never spoken. But, did you ever explain to her what you mean't, maybe she misunderstood, and thought that you did not want to know the rest of the family. It might of hurt her feelings, maybe she thought you didn't think they were good enough to know. Maybe she thought you wanted to keep yourself secret, like you were ashamed of them. See, it could be read in a number of different ways. Not to mention, my friend, you have a way of comming across as rather gruff sometimes. I mean that as a person who has been talking to you for awhile, I sometimes have trouble knowing just what frame of mind you are in sometimes, it would be even harder to know, if we had only talked a few times, like you did with her. Maybe she just misunderstood. Not that I am defending her in any way, nor that I would ever agree with what she did, it just that everything can be twisted out of perportion, when emotions are so high. When you are in the reuniting stage of this crazy adoption business emotions tend to run quite high, I think even you, would agree with that. You tend to hang on every word, just because they are so important at the time. It is easy to read the wrong things, sometimes. I know, I have done it myself. Its not until the words are explained, that you understand the real way they were meant to be taken. I hope this makes sense. I know what I want to say, just am having a hard time saying it. Talk to you later.
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen

I think your'e right she did miss understand but then again she didn't try to resolve anything after that,I did and put the story straight about how it was mean't.What is beaming out from all of
this is she just didn't want to tell her family .Not all of them even new I was even born .The count I think was only 4 and that includes her parents,and her and her brother .Now think about that for just one second not only have you been passed off into the world ,the person who gave birth are so disgusted and ashamed of you that didn't even tell there two sisters& brother.The also kept you a secret from there other kids future partners and anyone else they ever meet.
Now see it from an adoptees point of you of why some don't want contact or find it hard to communicate ,there is no way to beat this in the scale of rejection.
I may sound gruff and as you know I have issues which will probably remain untouched ,apart from talking to you guys.
Colleen don't get upset its not a personal burn for you.I enjoy
talking with you ,your'e like a internet mother,lol.
Most people who know me ,think I so laid back one touch and
I'll fall over asleep.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
On the other hand, maybe she was so ashamed that she had did this awful, horrible thing, giving you up, that she could not tell anybody. From the bmothers side, which I will cross over to for a minute, Giving up a child for adoption, can scare you, it can cause you to think that everybody will think what an awful person you are for not keeping your baby, so you tend not to bring it up in everyday conversation, its not the usual coffeebreak chitchat. I can understand what you are saying, you feel like you are being hidden, like a diry secret, and she is ashamed for what she has done, its a no win situation. Ok, that being said, I will cross back over to the on-line mother position, I seldom take any of what you say, as personally directed at me, anymore, I understand you better now. so you need not worry about that. I understand that you have been burned by birthmothers in general, not just plain old mothers, like me. I did not say that you were gruff, just that you come across that way sometimes, and that she may mistake that. I know how laid back you are .
Talk to you soon.
Colleen

[ingodshands]

I never intended in my post to GMH for it to be directed at ANY of the birthmothers on this site. That is why I wrote it in Capitals at the bottom! It was actually directed at my own birthmother. I realise that the birthmothers on this site, are interested in contact with their birthchild, and they are in reunion or searching.

SO KEEP YOUR HAIR ON!!! LOL, only kidding!)

I certainly am not a birthmother basher, I email privately a couple on this site whom I have great respect for, and they are lovely, caring people. I was sympathising with GMH, because I know how it feels to be lied to by your birthmother, and like he, I have also been rejected by my birthmother.

You know, my birthmother had the RIGHT to give birth to me, had the RIGHT to leave me at the age of seven, had the RIGHT to go on living her life, and to have more children....but where are my RIGHTS?

I did not ask for my birthmothers family to contact me, but they did, in my early twenties (I am now 37). I did not ask for my birthmother to lie to me and promise to meet me (told to me through her sister) and then not go through with it.

Is it not enough that she broke my heart by leaving me at the age of seven, that she does it all over again, by making promises she never kept, and to this day, breaks my heart, as she wants no contact, because that is her RIGHT.

I have never said this to her, as I try to respect my birthmother, by not (Ear-bashing her). But when it comes to my rights, I have NONE, I have to live with the fact that my own mother wants nothing to do with me, but continues to love and care for her two later daughters, but the previous four children she had do not exist.

Please tell me what I done to deserve that?

I do not think I am a bad person, but apparently I am, because after the initial contact from HER family, I then tried to find her for myself. She has her family to protect her, and tell her she is doing the RIGHT thing. Who is there to protect and care for the children she left behind and now decides, that is where they are better of left?

I know you and GMH have been posting to each other frequently, as I have read a lot of the posts, and chuckle to myself at the bickering between you two!

I am sure you are a very nice person, but please do not take personally something that was not meant for you personally!!

Take care

[Robinsmom]

Ingodshands,
You need not slap me, I was just pointing out, that we welcome you here, not that I, myself take anything anybody says personally. I am a nice person, and thank you for pointing that out. I am sorry for what your mother did. How awful it must have been for you, then and now. I try not to butt into places I do not belong, but I find, that if you keep doing that, you miss out on alot. I, along with GMH, have a rather off beat sense of humor, and much of what I say, comes across alot differently, than how I mean it. So, if I have upset you in any way, I will take my slap, and leave. We all deal with this stuff in different ways. We are all hurting.
Colleen

[ingodshands]

I think now is the time for me to exit this thread!

You seem to be mis-understanding me, and I do not want to offend anybody!

BTW, I was not (slapping you), just merely replying to the points that you said about me!

Sorry for coming into your space!

[cimmerian6]

First off I would like to say I have been thinking about meeting my birthmother. I am more interested in meeting my birthfather because unlike most people I don't shun people for having mental disorders or being different. However, I know for a fact my birthmother wants to see me so she is a more viable possibility. When I go to visit a friend from lapidary school who lives in Ohio I purposely choose flights with a lay over in Pennsylvania. The state of my birth. So, I thought I would contact my mother and ask if she would like to meet up with me in March. I couldn't remember her e-mail address and in my search for her I found her posts here. I would like to clear my name though in the process it may end up bedraggled by my honesty.

First off I was not able to make contact with my father and probably never will. It is a shame because I think I might be able to understand him as I have been diagnosed as schizophrenic (though I think it was a misdiagnosis they've diagnosed me with everything; those quacks little more than witchdoctors with PHDs.) But, I speak in metaphors of metaphors of metaphors just like some people with mental problems. I think it is one of the side effects of increased level of dopamine in the brain. No lies were spread about Laurene that she did not spread herself.

Reasons I decided to take a break from her.

1. She lied about having a lot of things in common with me. Examples listed.
A. Claiming she was open minded and turning out to be as as closed minded as Jerry Falwell.
B. Claining she wasn't religious and then sending me religious cards and inundating me with religious dogma.
C. Saying she would come to Florida to meet me and a week later ask when I would come to meet her.

All of these things would be ok with me if she hadn't lied I hate liars. I am a lot of things, but I am not a liar. I am incredibly honest painfully honest. Which brings us to what she considered a guilt trip.........

2. I told her about my life as she asked me questions about it. Instead of listening she would interupt me to put the blame on me "oh just get over it" kind of mentality. Told me to take a pill, have some prozac. I've been on every medicine they had up to year 2000 and they affected me negatively. I am into holistic medicine omega fatty acids, DMAE, DMAH, vitamins, and meditation do more then Eli Lilly, Sandoz, Bristol Myers-Squibb and Pfizer . She did not believe what happened to me and if she would like I would print out pages and pages of legal documents and psychiatric evaluations on my abuse case. In fact I am willing to scan some and post them here, I am tired of people questioning my past. Yes, that many bad things can happen to a person ,but wonderful things have happened to me to. I reiterated that to her I went all over the world, I have beautiful jewelry, I went to a nice private elementary school, I had so many wonderful opportunities. I told her steep acclivity followed by drops into the abyss were good for me as a writer. i prefer the excitement to a sedate suburban situation. Nonetheless, I do suffer from COMPLEX PTSD. Not the same as PTSD please look it up or better yet I will follow with the clinical description I provided my bio mom with. She blamed me she just said I was angry at her. The egotist, she is the least of my problems. I would never have been happy living with her. Besides I wouldnt have been with her long I think she would have thrown me in a state hospital faster then my parents put me in a treatment center. She would have let me rot there like she did her own brother (more on that later).
it's true I used to hurt myself and I did so so that others could see my pain this woman choses not to see my pain as it is to uncomfortable for her so consequently she no longer sees my pleasure either.

3. Cruelty
A. Seemed to take pleasure in her fathers death which took place on my b-day she relates gleefully. He deserved it though in her opinion "I mean he had 'war nuerosis' after all and he made her put me up for adoption." The only thing she was concerned about was the distribution of his estate and she thinks her sister cheated her. He's her father for godsakes! My adopted mother did horrible things to me, but I will still lament her death she's my mom after all.
B. Also, was pleased pver her mothers death as her mother was a crazy person and perhaps abusive. More understandable if she was abused (I'll question her sincerity as she questioned mine. In normal practice I would never do something so insensitive) but still it was her mother.
C. Her brother died in the bathroom of a mental hospital. When I asked if he was violent and she said no I couldn't understand why he was locked up. She said he was difficult to deal with and it was better he rot in a hospital than bother her.
D. Had nothing to do with my father after he became more delerious and I think she probably did give him the LSD though I'm sure he wanted it and shouldn't have been messing around with an underage girl.

Oh and about my lying; two highly esteemed psychologist think I have fetal achohol syndrome as my eyes are always dialated. In treatment after 2 years of lockdown no access to drugs (though I was not using drugs prior to my commital or now. Though I did experiment one time it was a mistake and I haven't used in three years and as I said my duration of usage was two days). My eyes are permanetly dilated like people with that affliction. I don't put much stock into what the Phd's say so I asked her. Maybe I don't have it, but somethings up with my eyes and it arises suspicion on a regular basis.

Secondly I was not just mentally abused I was routinely beaten by my stepfather from the age of 2-6. I was also sexually abused and most likely sodomised or at least thats what the people at the rape crisis center thought. If I hadn't been why did I draw pictures of my stepfather being castrated by my cousin and I. Why did I draw monsters with erect penises and blood dripping fromit and their fingers? Why did my IQ drop so low from 4-5. Why did I lose my coordination and could barely speak for so many years. I watched videos of it and couldn't stop crying I moved, spoke, and behaved like someone who is mentally retarded. I cried to my adopted stepmother about it and she said "Well, we must have done something right as it's only now you realise how handicapped you were). I am not handicapped now I have a very high IQ and scored an 800 out of 800 on the english portion of the SATS, only a 580 in the math though unfortunately.

4. Homophobia.
A. Thought that I should dump someone because he has relations with men and thus has AIDS. First off AIDS is very common in hetersexuals. Still, she continued her tirade against gays not knowing I am bisexual and dealt with transgendered issues. Clearly, she will never except me or my lifestlye. So, there really is no point in including her in my life.As, I'm sure she thinks I'm a sinner and a depraved person,

5. Tries to tell me what to do.
A. I told her what I wanted to do for a living and she told me I need to be a veterinarian or animal breeder. I told her that would not be my forte as it requires you to destroy animals and I am not willing to do that. She responded with "You should be a veterinarian.
B. Continuously ordering me to do thinds. Do this don't do this. Don't make the same mistakes as I did I do not abide those sort of commands from my adopted parents who raised me and I'm not going to take it from her.

6. Guilt Trips me
A. If I was not waiting by the computer for her to contact me then I'm a horrible peron. "How could you contact me and then ignore me." (I wasn't there) I am on-line just not on AOL anymore. I would have told her if she hadn't done the above. Also why she says they blame her for bio dad's condition she made it sound like they blamed me. "After you were born he was found raving mad on the streets." Asking questions like "you must hate me". Answering No she would soon repeat the question.

7. Hypochondria
This is why we often talked about such grave subject matters all she wanted to talk about was mental illness and disease in the family. It's good to know family medical history but she wanted to talk about it for weeks. "We aren't healthy stock. We are a sickly bunch" You'll probably have a heart problem I have cancer you have a bad liver. I was living in terror of this "inevitability'. But unlike her I don't smoke, rarely drink, take supplements, work out, and don't eat meat. So I should probably be ok. Thats not what she says. If I talk to her I begin to wonder if I'll make it out of my twenties and will she make it out of her forties? I have given her names of top cardiologists and oncologists and she has no interest. Thats how I found her on a heart board talking about her mitral valve prolapse. My adopted sister has one my neice has one tons of people have one. My cardiologist said my cholesterol level is the best he's seen and my heart should serve me a life time. While I have a proplapse what was making me ill was too much aspartame.

She has my phone number. I am still willing to talk to her if she is still willing to talk to me. I am even willing to meet her (with my friend or stepmom) for a few hours. If she would meet me in the middle between Columbus and clifton heights it should be about 4 hours drive for each of us) I have to ask him first of course. I doubt she would like to meet me now and thats find at least she knows something about her offspring. Though I doubt she will take it in she never seems to understand what I have to say. Maybe, because she doesn't want to. Perhaps, I can understand her reluctance to embrace me I am rather heterodox and generally unapologitic about it. Well, mom if you read this my email address is darksalinetears@hotmail.com and you know my mailing address. Oh, and call me by the name I've chosen please. This may have been a bit draconian, but I've been wanting to get this out for a year, I was also taken aback by what you wrote about me. I will talk to you, but you have to meet me halfway.

[cimmerian6]

I think perhaps, I should have written this in a more sensitive less accusing manner. I don't like being called a liar, because she can't deal with the truth. I don't like my pain and past being deemed fictive, because it makes her feel uncomfortable. That really rubs me the wrong way and I don't deserve to be treated that way. When peple treat me badly I tend to treat them badly or disappear when people are nice to me I reciprocate. I think thats pretty straightforward, but you never know...I was upset to find the amount of mental illness in the family, but whats worse is how it is handled on my mother's side. Lock em up! At least my father's parents are taking care of him in the home, because they love him and he is their son even at 42 years old. Those are good parents. I would like to meet my grandparents. Anyways, I'm sorry if I upset you Laurene. I just felt there were some things you needed to know and I was angry. Not the best combination is it? I'm ashamed of letting anger control me, but at least it gave me the courage to say things I should have said nearly a year ago.

[cimmerian6]

(I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I felt it was merited as you clearly don't want any lies or lying by ommission between us. Lying by OMISSION is the only type I do ussually to protect people or myself, but you deserve to know the whole truth. Sorry, if it only served to upset you further. That was part of my intention when I wrote it last night, but it is not what I am feeling or hope for now. I am sorry mom I am doing the best I can. Please help me. I came to you hoping to find a family I felt less alienated being part of but so far my adopted parents are more accepting of me and thats not saying much. I would like you to be a part of my life. Perhaps, you should read both postings and give yourself a day or two to mull it over (thats what I should have done with yours before running off at the mouth with so much verbal diarhhea.) Though I would like to confirm that I have and do feel that way, I should have been more gentle in the phrasing. I am angry at you, but not for putting me up for adoption I am thankfull you did that. My aparents are going to financially take care of me for the rest of my life and they are goign to support me as a daughter for the rest of theirs. I am talking about my dad and stepmother of course not my adopted mother though I call my stepmom mom. Stepmom has such a bad conotation particularly because of those beastly fairy tales. It was very brave to put a baby up for adoption personally I would have had an abortion, but you did the noble thing. It is a wonderful and beautiful sacrifice, as I've told you before. You suffered with me in your belly for nine months you stretched and ached and felt the wraith of your father and condemnation of others. You had an ipesiotomy, you were in labor for hours, then you faced seperation from the culmination of all your efforts. There was no reward in it for you. You did it all for me. I like the life I lead there is little I would change and my aparents are not included in theat short list.However, I do not like the mental and emotional scars left on me from my STEPFATHER and MARILYN and TREATMENT, and RAPIST. NOT you you are not one of my issues you are a facet of my life that could become lovely polished and integral. Though at this point it is ancillary at best same with you. You cna't compare the relationship you have with Bobby with the one you have with me you raised him you don't even know me. Even though my scars may be painful the after effects are something I have struggle dwith my whole life, everysingle day. To be a part of my life you have to know about that. There is beauty in pain, suffering, and delirium as it is all a part of life. I read if you have a relationship with someone and it was beautiful llike a flower, but just as delicate and the situation gets so bad it could only be described as excrement don't give up. That manure can grow a expansive field of flowers.

[Carol Bird]

Somewhere in these Reunion Forums there is a reprint of something I wrote a couple of years ago titled 'REUNION IS A HIGHLY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE".
In most of my responses to those of you having problems communicating during the early stages of Reunion (by early I mean the first SEVERAL years), I URGE that the person having problems holding on to this highly emotional roller-coaster ride do some
important READING.

So many of us jump into reunion without any preparation. We carry a great big bundle of daydreams and long-held fantasies with us to each meeting with our birthchild or birthparent that we are BOUND to run into serious problems in communications.

I'm in the 19th year of reunion with my birthdaughter. She will be 51 in Feb 05 and I'll be 71 in May, which means we were both pretty mature (hopefully) at the time of reunion. NOT! While my daughter was fairly well prepared, having a degree in psychology and a grad degree in occupational therapy, this old gal expected instant recognition as MOMMY, and just didn't prepare for the grown up young woman (herself mother of a five month old daughter).

Of course the reunion took place in 1986, and though the reunion movement was ALIVE at the time, it wasn't much past it's infancy and I didn't have access to the wealth of books and articles available today. The ISRR was in it's infancy when my daughter reached her 21st birthday and I began opening doors to my identity. There were probably three or four support groups across the Nation --- ALMA, Yesterday's Children, Orphan's Voyage and maybe another --- but few people really had much experience in reunion.

So, we all ran into similar problems of misunderstanding one another, misinterpreting, not REALLY listening, saying things we thought the other wanted to hear, and even worse --- centering on ourselves, our own feelings and our own emotions, instead of trying to put ourselves in the other's shoes and trying to understand THEM, rather than make excuses for ourselves.

I love my daughter and adore my two delightful granddaughters. I carried my love for my daughter from the hospital maternity floor in Feb. 1954 through all almost 32 years of our separation and into the years of reunion, but, OH BOY, I sure did make some blunders. AS WILL EACH OF YOU, WHETHER YOU ARE BIRTH PARENT OR BIRTHDAUGHTER/SON!

We need to adopt the art of PATIENCE. We need to learn to LISTEN to the other and NOT INTERPRET what we THINK they are saying. We need to look for a place for ourselves in their life and begin to create a special connection. I'm NOT my daughter's Mom; I'm her birthmother and we share some of the same genes. Her Mom was a special woman who I was lucky enough to get to know for more than adecade before she died, and her Dad wasn't Bill, the Birthfather, but a sweet, warm, kind and loving gentleman who followed his wife in death almost two years later. By becoming friends with them early on in our reunion, I became a part of the family. Her parents saw HER in ME, and they welcomed me.

But it wasn't all love and caring in the beginning. I was horribly jealous of my daughter's Mom. I envied her the closeness she had with our daughter and I ached to have the same. I expected rejection, and looked for it in everything my daughter did or said during the early years of reunion. If she didn't call, I decided she didn't care. If she didn't immediately respond to a letter, I saw rejection. Sometimes I wonder why she clutched that wobbly, racing roller-coaster for dear life during those years, but I thank God today that she did.

You all need to step away from yourselves and look at the total picture -- look at the picture like a stranger would. Pick out the parts that need improvement, analyze the parts that cause misunderstanding, and stop thinking about YOURSELF. Remember there are more than TWO people involved in a reunion.

Read the Top Ten Ways to a Successful Reunion and Reunion Socialization and some of the helpful articles the Search Guru (see Search Forum) reprints on her Forum.

It IS very helpful to exchange views, experiences and ideas with others struggling through the swampland of reunion, but please, don't neglect to check out the old timers (like me and my generation of birthmoms from the 40s, 50s and 60s, who can supply you with a good list of REUNION DON'Ts and a tome of REUNION DOs.

And ...please STOP beating up on the object of your Reunion.

Hugs, Carol Bird

[Robinsmom]

cimmerian6,
I am at a loss, as how to help you. I feel so bad for you, because you seem so angry. I went back, and read the post that your mother wrote, I think that the two of you are both confused. It appears that in the beginning, you both wanted the same thing, to get to know each other, but somewhere along the way, you got off track. I think that you are waiting for her to reply, to your last two posts, and I'm afraid, that she won't. After all you have said, she is probabley afraid, and ashamed to anwser. I know that I would be. I have also reunited with my daughter, and I have to tell you, it is a very scarey thing, you want so much to be accepted, and you are so afraid that you will do or say the wrong things, and usually, you do. We tend to see so much of ourselves in our children, and adopted children are no different. We believe that we are meeting stangers, but really, we find ourselves finding somebody very much like we are. That is enough to scare anybody, but it can really scare a mother, who already feels guilty. We all do feel guilty, and we need to be forgiven, or at least we need to feel that we are understood. For most of us, it was the worst thing that ever happened to us. Please try to remember these things when you think of your mother, I know that she hurt your feelings, and that you feel she was hiding things from you, but I really believe, that she is as hurt and afraid, as you are. I really hope that you can learn to forgive her, and that she gets brave enough to anwser, cause I think thats what you really want to hear. I wish you both luck, that you can find a way to live, with or without each other, without so much anger. Life is way to short, to spend it so angry. I know, that in my case, I do not want to waste one moment that I have with my daughter, I feel that too much time, has already been taken from us. Please let go of the anger, and look for the good things that you do have. Take good care of yourself.
Colleen

[Robinsmom]

Laurene,
I know that you have been reading all of this, and I just wanted to say, that its all right to anwser. This is just a sounding board. Nobody here will ever judge you. I think that your daughter needs to hear from you, and not so much from the rest of us. I know you have it in you , to reply, just use the strength I know you have. It takes a strong woman to try to give her baby a better life, you are a strong woman. We can only contorl, what we can control. You need to explain that to your daughter. You had no control over what happened in her life, but you do have the control to ease her pain now. Please respond, it is the right thing to do.
Colleen

[postal215]

I am replying to this altho it is against my better judgement. You have said alot of horrible things on your first posting that hurt me deeply. I never said any such thing about my father or my brother I loved them with all my heart and was destroyed when they died.How could you say those things??? I really do not care what you have to say about me negatively but when you add in two people I loved with all my heart that hurt me and infuriated me.But I will forgive you for those things.I did not mean to hurt you in the posting I wrote I am sorry if you were hurt.I am sorry for all that has happened to you .When you first told me all that has happened to you I blamed myself.That it was my fault that I put you in that horrible situation.I didnt know and I am so very sorry.You have alot of anger toward me I hope you can get thru this anger.And im not homophobic and im sorry you thought I was. I guess I was trying to give you advice that I thought was in your best interest from experience I had no right to do that Im sorry. I dont think we can even try to have a relationship until this anger is gone if thats possible.I dont know if it is.