[postal215]

Not too good at all I dont know if I should pursue it or does she want me to leave her alone? But she went to so much trouble to find me we havent met she found me on the internet.Any advice?

[Jackiejdajda]

GMH quoted..Negiotate the relationship you both want , make no demands.

I think this applies to most adult relationships..


postal215wrote.. I dont know if I should pursue it or does she want me to leave her alone?

I don't think guilt should rule this relationship.. (if that is the issue)

Do you think you can pursue this? Do you think you will be okay emotionally if she continues to make contradictory remarks etc?

Take care of you!


Jackie

[LINDAHOMZA]

Hello,
As an adult adoptee who reunited with my b-mother I can tell you how I felt all my life.
There has always been the "want" to know my b-mother, But many emotions came into play, As a young adult, I was angry and affraid. Angry that she had placed me up for adoption and Afraid that if I would meet her that I would be rejected.
As I grew older, the "want" turned into need. at the age of 27 I was told I had cancer. I was told that it was very important that I knew my medical history for not only myself but my children as well. Still with this "need" to search the fear of being rejected if I wasn't "good enough" stopped me in my tracks.
By the age of 34 and lots of talks with my Mom I decided to start the search. Mom was very supportive of this and encouraged me along the way.
The day I found Sue I sat there at my kitchen table and was in a daze, the fears rose their ugly heads and almost stopped me from contacting her.
I called Mom and got the normal pep talk and encouragement.
That night, I called Sue and we talked for 5 hours on the phone..
I actually asked if I could 3 way call mom the last hour. This is truly a wonderful experience for me.
2 weeks later I was at her house meeting all my brothers, Sisiters, nieces, Aunts and Uncles. I was overwhelmed but welcomed.
Your Daughter may have the same fears that keep her at arms distance. She just may not be ready emotionally. Be patient she will. Suggest to her Adoptive family that they go to support groups. This will help as well being around others like her.
Send her little cards but dont be too pushy.. Little cards like Just thinking of you.. Keep them on the funny and lite side.
This way she knows you will be there for her yet you are giving her time.
Get to know the parents who raised her. ( Her Mom and Dad) Show them the person you are.. With them becoming more comfy with you may help also

I wish you the best of luck and many prayers your way
Linda

[Robinsmom]

Gmh,
Is that you? What has happened to you, since I went out of town? Are you beginning to see things in a different light? Good advice to all, nothing is perfect, we just have to take what we can, from all reunions. It is never going to be a fairy tale happy ending, but it is a beginning, and from that, you can turn it into whatever you want. Keep on talking, its the best way to deal with anything.
Love,
Colleen

[postal215]

Thanks all for the advice! I will try to figure this out. I cant get a hold of the birth parents because she will not let me talk to them She told me that her father was wealthy I knew this already it was a private adoption my sister set it up as she knew a freind who new a freind ect. what I didnt know was that he was wealthy and in his 50s at the time and that his wife was 22.That was why he couldnt getr normal adoption he was too old by the way they thought back then but unfortunately the wife was in the marriage for the money and didnt really want the baby at all its a very sad story as it was all told to me I could tell she resents me for this I thought I was doing a good thing a wealthy family I guess in this case money wasnt the answer. She told me she suffered from eating disorder and was hospitalized she told me she has post traumatic stress disorder also from being abused by the mothers boyfreind after the divorce which was 2 years after adoption.She was in mental hospitals on lockdown.She used to slash herself and now she is dating a guy who sleeps with men my head is spinning at this and Im wondering is this all true??? oh well I will try and figure this out.she even signed on to this web to find me

[Robinsmom]

Laurene,
Wow, what a story, I wish there was an easy anwser for you, but there isn't. Your story, is the one, all birthmothers fear. We always hope that our adoption choice, leads to a better life for our child. We always wonder, in the back of our minds, if the worst has happened, and our children were placed with less than great parents. For most of us, the anwser is almost always good. Our children had good lives, only missing out on knowing thier birthmother. My only advice to you, is, that it appears that your daughter is reaching out, trying to find the love she has been denied all these years. Don't jump in with both feet, because it appears she is self distructive at this point, and she could drag you right down with her. Let her know, through e-mail, that you wish to be there for her, that you really care for her, and that you will stand by her, nomatter what. Don't be sucked in to her lies, cause, I'm sure she will try. Just always keep in the back of your mind, that she is still a little girl, in pain, and she really just needs a safe shoulder to lean on. You do not have any real way of knowing, what damage has really been done to this girl, and just having money, does not make you a good person, I have found, that most people with money can have serious problems just like the rest of us. She sounds like she good use some serious treatment, because most of this self distructive behavior is due to anger. It is not in any way, your fault, always keep that in mind. You really had no more control over this, than she did. I know so much about this, because, I rasied a daughter who is very simular to your daughter. She was molested, unknown to me, for years, and by the time I found out. The damaged had been done. She acted much the same as your daughter. She lied, stole, did drugs, and had no regaurd for the people around her. To this day, she is still very angry, at the world, at me, at her family, at everybody. So please know, I give none of this advice lightly. Just support her, but protect yourself, because this girl, could very well brake your heart. My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel, really, I do. I am always here to talk. Good luck to you.
Love,
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen ,I think you have the wrong end of the stick all I wrote was quotes from some the articles a social worker who dealt with my adoption sent me .The social worker reviewed my case last week ,read the emails between us and thinks that my b-mom is a nice genuine person.
Here's another quote for you if this whole adoption thing was a game of football the end result would be like a draw no-one wins.
One thing these articles all agree on is identiy problems ,now thats I think my problem is ,it also is inline with did I do some thing wrong before I was born .I think a month in the nuthouse
is an understatment for whats needed.

[GMH]

Talking is good thats why I'm replying to you know ,I have shut the door .I got a letter from her last week and returned it in the post not known at this address.I moving soon anyway so she wonn't know the difference anyway.How was the hoilday did you get a Tan.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
I was only being silly, I knew you hadn't changed one bit!! My holiday was wonderful, yes, I got a tan, and I went mountain climbing, and I saw where the Americans broke free of the iron hand of England, Independance Hall, I also went to Gettysburg, where a battle of our Civil war was fought, very nice, full of history, and old houses, which I really love, the weather could not have been better, 85f everyday, and so sunny, not at all like New York has been this year, and the kids were very well behaved, even though they had so sleep in tents for two weeks.
We are all a bit scabby, and bug bit, and dirty, but non the worse for wear. Sounds like you have had an interesting two weeks, where are you moving to now? Greenland? or purhaps, Iceland?
Talk to you soon.
Love,
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen

You think I'm that cold that I need to move to Iceland,LOL.No I haven't changed still the same atitude although it may change as Iam thinking that what was written in the Journal of the Adopted Person has to be right (some of it anyway).The Process of Self Integration ,which seems to be a process of forging something between you birth and adoptive parents.Rules as follows.
1.Weave a self narrative of what was what has what is
2Intergrate what is authentic between the artifical self and forbidden self
3.Intergrate the internal and external birth mother ( fantasy and realty) into a composite birth mother.Forgive her for the past and lok for her strengths and weakness.
4.Same fr birth father depending on his involment.
5Accept that they are not the birth parents child anymore and are fully the adoptive parents child
6.Claim there own child,become there own person and belong to themselves.
7.Accepting our existenal fate ,accepting what happened and the fact you might not completey heal.
There are other parts to this but basically is a Realigning the self

.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
I didn't mean you were cold exactly, just wondered which side of the world you were moving to now. I am a bit confused by your points, so I think I will list my own, from experience, and see what you think.
1. Always remember that you are not related by life, just by blood.
2. There is only one mother, the adoptive mother. I just gave my daughter life, her real mother rasied her.
3. Pushing is never allowed.
4. Get to know each other, just as you would any person you were meeting for the first time.
5. Never, ever , lie. This is the most important.
6. You are who you are, no better, no worse than anybody else, you do not have to prove anything.
7. If it works out, it does, if it doesn't you are no worse off than before.
8. Always be happy for the little golden crumbs, I got that from Banjo, and treasure them.
9. Do not go in expecting everything to be just they way you always dreamed, it never is, nor could it ever be. Nobody can ever live up to that.
10. Think with your heart, and not your head, it keeps you from making more out of things than there really are.
11. Always remember the love, lost or not, that you felt at the beginning , don't ever give up on hope, and never judge.
I could go on forever, but I won't put you through that. Mostly, I treat my daughter, as I treat all my children, as I am not what anybody would call a "normal" mother. I treat my children with respect, and I value everything that they are, and everything they will become, and I raise them to believe in trust, and each other, I don't talk down to them, or expect that they can not understand, I explain what I can, and try to lead by example. I am sorry for your birthmother, in a way, she is missing out again, and you, are too, even tho you won't ever admit it. Like I said before, I don't really care if you ever talk to her, or not, I don't know her, nor do I need to. I am here because I like talking to you. So whatever you decide to do, I'm in your corner. You are healed, you don't need a book or anybody to tell you that. You healed yourself, the day you got mad enough to shut her out of your life. It was a brave, and honest thing to do, and anybody who says different, just doesn't know, how hard it was.
Now, I will close, so you can compose some nasty evil responce, but give it your best shot, cause I don't care what you say, I'll still keep writing.
Love,
Colleen

[GMH]

Coleen

There is a twist to the tail ,my wife with out me knowing sent my b-mother a couple of emails ,she had no reply now this was long .
So it seems like she had shut the door long before me anyway.
Now I that I cannot search for my birth father I intend to put this whole sorry nasty mess behind go out get drunk and get on lol.
If I ever do get the chance to talk to her I will only say two words then put the phone down.Now how's that for a nasty response.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
Now, be nice, you wouldn't want your son to hear such words. Your wife sounds like a very smart woman, she knew what was what, but still let you come to your own decision about your bmom. How are things with your amom, these days? Any better? I hope so, cause I agree, you should put the rest of all this behind you. It would seem, that you already have a great family, and do you really need any more than that? You have a great wife, probabley better than an old grump like you deserves, and a wonderful son, a mother, and a brother, and the memory of a great Dad. Do you really need to deal with a person who is not worth half of any of them? No, so go get drunk, and thank god for all that you do have. Its alot more than some people ever have. I was one of the lucky ones, I had so much already, my dear husband, who puts up with all I dish out, and keeps comming back for more, all my 6 healthy wonderful children, and a very wonderful birthdaughter, who seems to want to know me regaurdless of all my shortcommings. I can not ask for more. What else can we really ask for? Talk to you later.
Colleen

[GMH]

HI

Good response ,and your right us hushbands do put up with alot but I think its a vice versa thing anyway.Exactly what my wife says the same as you "its her thats missing out ".She said something about letting my birthday go by see if I get a card or whatever then give her brother another call and see how the land lies .Well see how it pans out .If you got to know me I'm not an old grump lol.
Because of the details I have listed on this site a woman from Australia though she knew my birth father ,then we though it could be my brother ,then the birth dates were wrong so it didn't pan out but she sound genunie so I helped her out.
But she knew from the start my brother didn't want any contact at all ,the story is alot more complicated with actually birth father having cancer and so on.But it does prove I'm not a grump and the there are genunie people out there.

[Robinsmom]

GMH,
You take everything so serious! I was only joking about the grump thing, though your wife might agree with me. I will try not to say anything that might ruffle your feathers anymore. I forget, that men have very thin skins. Thank god, that my husband has learned to live with my colorful way of talking, or maybe he just doesn't listen anymore, who knows. At any rate, I will be more careful. Now, what is all this about your b-dad, cancer? I am confused again. Have you been looking for him too? Your wife is right again, wait for your birthday, see if she sends a card, but don't get your hopes up. Maybe you will be surprised. I now will take offense do you think I am not genunie? I am, and I think it was really rude of you to imply that I am not. Have I not, put up with all the blurts and comments, and offered sound advice? Thats not looking too good for your grump status . Talk to you later.
Colleen