[Carol Bird]

You are taking the right course.

But, please, don't think my Reunion has always been comfortable. Susan and I had our own rollercoaster, and, because I had no support system to let me know what to expect (Internet wasn't public and PCs were just coming into their own - with the move to DOS), and there were few books available. Support groups were there, but most seemed to be self-pity pits through the 70s and early 80s.

As a consequence, I made just about every mistake that could be made. I credit Susan's maturity and stamina for keeping the reunion intact. I was into self-sabotage and couldn't get past "this is too good to be TRUE."

[Carol Bird]

You are taking the right course.

But, please, don't think my Reunion has always been comfortable. Susan and I had our own rollercoaster, and, because I had no support system to let me know what to expect (Internet wasn't public and PCs were just coming into their own - with the move to DOS), and there were few books available. Support groups were there, but most seemed to be self-pity pits through the 70s and early 80s.

As a consequence, I made just about every mistake that could be made. I credit Susan's maturity and stamina for keeping the reunion intact. I was into self-sabotage and couldn't get past "this is too good to be TRUE."

HUGS, CAROL

[Jillalan]

Hi,
I located my first born a little over a year ago. We have a wonderful relationship. His adopted Mom has welcomed me, his wife and child, her parents. My other children have accepted their 1/2 sibling, my husband has been supportive. Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones.

I had my first born in the '60's. There were so many 'shame' factors involved with that time. Even when I was about to find my son I found it very difficult to admit to people that I had another child. People I told were supportive, thought it was wonderful that I'd found him.

The twist to this is that I was adopted also. Over the years (I'm 53 now) I've wondered about my birth mother but went hot and cold about meeting her. Mine was a private adoption and known to my family so finding her wouldn't be difficult. It wasn't until after I had the reunion with my first born that I tried to locate her. She's dead now and her husband denied she was my birth mother. However I know that she was. I have 1/2 siblings out there and rather than rock the boat I've left it. My adopted family are my only family. I don't have the need to find out any more.

Not wanting contact with my birth mother had nothing to do with betraying my parents. I might have been scared to contact her in case of rejection (again). As far as I was concerned she was a total stranger to me who happened to give birth to me. She meant nothing to me, I didn't think of her as my mother, but as 'the woman who gave birth to me'.

Having said all that, had she contacted me I would have met her, if only to see if I looked like her, medical details, siblings and that type of thing. Had she wanted a relationship I probably would have had one with her. She wouldn't have been my Mom - she would have been called by her first name.

Funny that my first born calls me by my first name when speaking to me, but calls me his Mom when talking to others. The few times that he's said Mom to me I was overjoyed.

Good luck to everyone searching out there. If there is a set back or rejection don't necessairly blame the birth parent. It could be that their spouse is unsupportive or even threatening their relationship. As for the child that was adopted. You as a birth parent mean nothing to them and it could be they just don't need to know 'where they're from'.

Strange that finding my first born was important to me considering how I felt about my own birth mother. I could certainly relate from both sides though.

[Angelwings2002]

As for the child that was adopted. You as a birth parent mean nothing to them and it could be they just don't need to know 'where they're from'.

I am not only a Bmom but I am also an Adoptee and although I was raised by someone other than my MOM and DAD...they mean the world to me. Granted not all adoptees feel this way but I am sure there is a reason behind what you stated in your post.

Yes there are adoptees who dont want to know the answers to the "where am I from or what happened to me " questions...BUT the majority do. Read the Search & Reunion Boards.

[Carol Bird]

Kudus to you for going back to school. You are right, there is a desperate need for counselers who KNOW what its like to be a mother without her child, or an adoptee without her natural parents.

When I finally went into counseling a few years into my reunion with my daughter, I was steered to a University School of Psychology Senior Citizen's Mental Health Clinic where I had the GREAT fortune to have Ph.D. Psych students as therapists.
For five years, as a "client" (patient), I literally TRAINED the therapists in the issues we birthmothers are confronted with between getting pregnant and having to relinquish, through living without our child and into the stress filled road to recovery during Reunion.

I pray that some of my "students" will specialize in adoption issues from the viewpoint of the adoptee and the birthparent.

As for your daughter! I really think it's natural for a teenager (19 IS a teen!) to be unsure and to vacillate between wanting a relationship with you and not being sure she does. Give her time to grow up and discover what it's like to be a woman. Maybe marry and get pregnant herself, to understand how painful is must have been for you to give her up.

My daughter was a psych major too, but went on to grad school to become an occupational therapist. I think she would have done well as a therapist specializing in adoption issues, though. She sure understood how I felt!

She once explained to me that she attempted to look for me at 18, and then again at 25. but never followed through. She told me that , in hindsight, she was really too young for reunion; she wasn't prepared." She was 32 and a first time mother herself when the urge to know me led her to me. (I was registered with ISRR since her 21st birthday in 1975.)

I tell my birthmom friends to be patient. In time the adoptee will need to know us. Just get busy and open all the doors you can to your identity ... list your info on all the free on-line Reunion Registries (so she can find you when she's ready), and learn all you can about the stress of reunion and the steps we need to take to make a reunion as secure and steady as possible.

The Library here at Adoption.com is loaded with articles that can help both adoptee and birthparent (and adoptive parents, too) to understand the ins and outs of reunion. The site's weekly on line newsmagazine (subscriptions are free) also has an wonderful Archive of articles that have appeared in past issues. It's a virtual goldmine and something that you, as a student of psychology AND a Birthmother can truly benefit from.

The Forums and Chats help a lot. I have a monday night chat for adoptees and birthparents on my webpage, Carol's Place
http://www.bellsouth.net/personalpag...rthparentPlace
There's a great bunch of adoptees and birthparents who drop in. Also helpful articles, Links to articles and other sites, book notices, etc.

Just "stay the course." Let your daughter grow up without pressure (especially if the A-parents hang a guilt trip on her about you). She is a part of you, and she needs you to put all the pieces of herself together. She will be
back.

Good Luck and Hugs,
Carol Bird
Birthmom in reunion 18 years

[Cheryl62]

I don't know if it helps, but I thought I would share my perspective as a "grown up" adoptee. I have always known I was adopted, though it was a "closed" process, and until I was in college, I didn't know anything, really, about my birthparents. When I was 20, I finally asked the agency, as was my right, for the copies of the files, with the names blacked out. Perhaps I am not typical, but reading through the information gave me such mixed feelings, that it took me many years to feel that I would like to pursue a search for my birthmother (and to be honest, I'm still a little ambivalent).

I think for me, what was holding me back when I was 20 was a mixture of youth and other priorities, and some guilt feelings about how it would affect my aparents, who clearly were uncomfortable about the subject. But, as I grew up, and had children of my own, obviously those motivations have changed. So, what has held me back until recently? I think it's fear of the unknown. I'm afraid of learning something that upsets me, of having my bmother demand more from me than I can give, of life just getting complicated, but, most of all, about my own reactions. I've felt all my life that I don't have any hang ups or insecurities about being adopted. I understood why my bmother (at 16 years of age) put me up for adoption, and I think she did the right thing. I had terrific parents, and a good life. So, I've always felt like there were no "issues" for me. But, if I'm honest with myself, I would have to admit that I'm afraid that just maybe there are issues lurking, and that the process will be emotionally wrenching and painful, as well as joyful.

So, what made me finally join this site and this forum? Two things -- first, being a mom (of 4) myself, and grappling with how difficult it must be, if she's looking for me, not to know how I am, or that I understand. And, my amother recently told me that my bmother had selected a name for me, and given me a tiny cross the day I was born. I have no idea why she didn't tell me this before, but somehow it changed things for me. I would be ok if I can't contact my bmother, but if she's looking for me, I would want to thank her for those gestures of love, and tell her I understand.

[Carol Bird]

I compliment you on your thoughtful posts.

Cheryl, I suggest that you post your info: gender, date of birth, city, state, placement agency on as many Reunion Registries as you can, just in case your birthmother has been searching all these years. You don't necessarily have to make a committment, though you may find that you want to, once you meet.

But, more important, it will set her mind at ease.

The fact that she left a name and a cross with you at relinquishment was her way of telling you that part of herself went with you. I dressed my baby in clothes I bought for her, and when we reunited when she was 32, I discovered that her Mom had saved the crocheted baby shawl to give to her when our first grandchild was born. I can't even describe how knowing that made me feel.

Anyway, It can't hurt to check the on line registries to see if she is searching for you. There's a very good Registry right here on Adoption.com.

Also, send a self addressed, stamped envelope and a note asking for a registration form to the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR) at P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, NV 89702-2312, Phone 702-881-7755. It is the oldest and largest registry of this kind. They will run a search to see if she's registered and if not will send you a registration form.

There are many other free registries on-line, but those two, one on-line, one not, are quite successful.

I also suggest that you take advantage of the Adoption.com Library
http://library.adoption.com/information
You'll find a treasure trove of helpful
articles on personal experiences in Search and Reunion and some guidelines.

I'm glad you've made a decision to make a connection of some kind. My daughter, who was a first time mother herself when she found me listed on the ISRR Registry in 1986, has been the light of my life. I have two teenage granddaughters who have grown up knowing me as their THIRD Grandma.

I also had a wonderful relationship with her dear parents, who have since passed away.

Good Luck to you,
Hugs, Carol Bird

[sonata]

To Cheryl...

We have something else in common besides being the same age, being adopted, and having four children!

My birthmother also gave me a name (which my parents changed) and tried to leave a tiny cross with me as well. (My parents declined to take it)

[Royalcav1024]

SSPete,

I have been scanning the forums tonight and I came across your post. I must admit orrigionally I thought as you did, I couldnt understand how any a-child would possibly not want contact with their birthfamily immediately. Now 4 months after my reunion I can understand why. I was wrapping up my freshman year of college when I first recieved contact from my birthmother. Since I wanted to search soooo desperately ever since I was very young, I was overjoyed to say the least. Everything seemed to be going very well, I met most of my birthmothers family and have started to develop bonds with them as well. They really are great loving people. However, as time has gone on the strain has become very great on me. My birthmother has not resolved the emotional issues she faced in placing me. She becomes highly emotional very quickly and has said some very disturbing things to me. She pulls up "statistics" that she feels proove that her outbursts of emotion are completely normal. She surrounds herself with people who accept whole heartedly into her beliefs. But just as she can pull up statistics and stories of people who believe that the pain never goes away and that a-parents fear the birthmother I can come up with just as many stories that say the reverse.
Anyway, my point is. Being only 19 and away at college with a heavy course load plus this emotional burden on top of me is very rough. There is a part of me that now wishs that I had waited a few more years to have contact with her. Maybe when I was 24 or around there. Once I had a chance to get through college and my first years in the working world. Once I was completely on my feet. I think I would be much better able to deal with these issues if I were a few years older. My only bright side right now is my mothers unending support and the support I now recieve from my birthmother's family. They know how rough this has become on me and all of them have been doing there best to help me sort through everything.

[Robinsmom]

sspete,
I am a reunited birthmom, I am very happy the I was able to find my daughter. I can understand how some birthmothers might be afraid of contact, maybe due to feelings of not being good enough to compare with aparents, or of questions about why thye chose adoption. I, myself, felt guilt for years after the adoption, I used to tell people, it was the worst thing I had ever done. I really believed that, in my mind, I thought that I had done something "bad". I know that is not the case, but being so young, when I had my daughter, I was only 15, and having no outlet in which I could talk about what had happened, I turned the feelings I was having into guilt. Now, 28 years later, I can look back, and see it for what it was. I am sorry to hear that your daughter does not want contact right now, give her time, she too could be alittle scared. My daughter told me she used to wonder all the time, why I had given her up, even now, we still walk on eggshells, and worry about what the other is really thinking. This whole birthmom-adoptee thing is so scary for everybody. Just give your daughter some time, she might come around if she feels safe enough, and knows you are not going to disappear again. Good luck to you.
Colleen

[RobinLWelch]

Thanks for posting this question/statement because I have thought about it a lot. It seems like every adoption reunion I hear or read about...someone in the triad has to spoil it. I mean, I hear about it SO much, it makes me feel guilty for having a good reunion! It really makes me angry when an amom is unsupportive!

[GMH]

Agree with that one .But I don't think it matters what age you are no-one is ever ready for this reunion stuff.Unless it something you really want and as an adoptee I think we all do until we get this situation.Thinkabout it this a not a easy or nice thing for anyone connected in so this thread topic is just a cauaslty of the whole situation.But our birth rejection comes pretty hard to top until you get it in reunion process .

[postal215]

Hi I know how you feel but my story is a little different.My birthdaughter located me I was so happy! So was she then she just dissapeared we never met she wouldnt talk to me online anymore its all very upsetting.She told me she was mentally abused and had fetal alcohol syndrome which i know wasnt true because i didnt drink.She then proceeded to tell me very horrible stories of her life but kept adding I dont blame you for them I cant help but think she was putting me on severe guilt trip for whatever reason she has.Its all very upsetting

[Jackiejdajda]

postal215 wrote..She then proceeded to tell me very horrible stories of her life but kept adding I dont blame you for them I cant help but think she was putting me on severe guilt trip for whatever reason she has.Its all very upsetting

Thats awful..

How are you doing with this?

Jackie

[GMH]

I just finished reading couple of trauma post adoption articles ,one had some golden rules to stick to.Try not to blame or feel rejsction from your birth mother but intergrate her into your new life with your a-parents.Reunion does not have a time spance so don't hurry take your time.Negiotate the relationship you both want , make no demands.I don't know if I agree since I'm not in reunion I can't comment .Over to you guys?