[N.C.]

Melissa thanks.

I would love to put the pain aside if I could before I make contact with my mother but I've spent years trying to ease the pain and nothing has worked. I am starting to believe that the only way I can work through the bad stuff is by making contact with her, good or bad. If she doesn't like me and if she abandons me again at least I will know that I did everything I could to work through this.

[creed_04679]

Hi: You must know by reading all these posts that 15 is still way to young for your son to accept and understand the whole complicted adoptioon mess. Do not give up hope, just give him another 10 years, he will be back when you least expect it. Always leave the door open, as I am sure you will. Trust me from my own expience that it takes a lot of time for our children to understand the whole adoption MESS. I don't kknow if you have read any of my posts, but I found my son at 21, and it wasn't until nearly 7 years later he came back.................we have a wondrful relationship now and trust me, he isn't straying far away again. The pain that adoption has brought to all of our lives is so overwelming and we were NEVER told just how deep the pain and guilt would be FOREVER. Please pray for your son, you WILL be reunited someday and the Joy is almost worth the whole separtion issue. Take Care-CREED

[MelPly]

Hello,
I am very new to this but I do know why I am scared.
When I was pregnant with the daughter I gave up, I was only 16 and going to High School. It was a HUGE school and I made some good friends quickly. But a girl I met through my friends heard me talking about giving up the baby for adoption and she just about hit the roof. She yelled at me and told me I was a horrible person and she hoped nothing but horrible things would happen to me. She was adopted and that scares me to death that maybe the daughter I gave up will feel the same way. Now at 35 I am still scared about that. I am afraid that if she ever does meet me, that she will say mean hateful things and tell me she hates me.
But dont get me wrong. That does not hinder my wanting to meet her. I just hope she does try to find me some day. I have 3 gorgeous kids that would really love to meet their half sister. Yes they know about her, but my 2 girls are really wanting to meet her.
Huggs,
Melissa

[Angelwings2002]

[quote]Originally posted by davidbur51
So my question is this: Why have kids if your going to give them up?

**************************************************

I have also wondered the very same thing. My mother had 9 children and lost us ALL 3 at a time..some right from the hospital.
We have all asked why this happened and our bfamily says they dont know.
I guess that's one of the many questions we will never get an answer to....along with the many others my bfamily refuses or wishes NOT to answer. They also won't answer the "WHY" question for any of us. They act as if though none of this ever happened. All they do is put the blame on this person or that person. After 17 almost 18 yrs of being in reunion with them they still wont talk about what actually happened and why we were all removed from our parents. It makes all of us kids angry that they wont give us some streight answers.

[creed_04679]

Angelwings. There are many reasons why Mothers give their children up for adoption, but I think a great majority of us were given NO choice. There also seems to be a difference in parents that gave mpre than 1 child away, personally, I can't imagine it. I was a 17 yr old whose family was socially correct and back in 1969, coming from a middle income family we were sent away to have our babies and told never to speak of it again. Thank goodness my son and I are reunited and we have a wonderful reltionship, its as if he was always with me. I am sorry for your situation, but yours seems to be one a bit more complicated maybe. I wish you luck and hope you find peace and love for your birth family. creed

[Angelwings2002]

I also know the NO CHOICE thing..I am also a Birthmother..I had no choice in my UNWILLINESS to place my daughter...

[soulsearching]

Originally posted by N.C.
...I'm fighting the urge to tell her to go away, to refuse her the chance of abandoning me again...

N.C. is on to something here. I also think that those who have cited that the adoptee doesn't want to hurt their afamily are onto something, but I know both of these go beyond that, at least they do for me.

When it comes to the issue of meeting b-family (particularly bmother), it's not just wanting to deny them the power to abandon again, but that by meeting them there is the fact that it makes the initial abandonment that much more real and of finally admitting just how devastating the relinquishment was for the adoptee.

I suggest everyone in the triad read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. I think there is some controversy over her assertion that the baby is well aware of the loss of the mother and grieving such, but I can't stress enough that her desciption of the feelings and actions that accompany this event described me to a T and it was the first time I didn't feel alone in my life - ever.

THEN, there is the issue of "do I really want to meet her - because when I was at my most pure, she rejected me. Now I'm (insert human characteristic here) and she's sure to reject me again," the dreaded 2nd rejection.

And, as for the afamily thing. Remember that the typical adoptee feels unworthy. No matter how much love the afamily shows, there is the voice in the back of the head that warns that no matter how much "they" love you - they might leave you. To seek out bmom (or family) or even allow contact would surely be something that would set such an even in motion - it seems so ungrateful.

When my amom asked me if I ever thought about my birth mother, I answered in the negative and changed the topic as quick as humanly possible. I knew for sure that if we dwelled on this topic, she would certainly see the pain that even I had trouble admitting to myself.

The adult in me can completely understand the possible reasons my bmom might have for relinquishing me, but the child in me will always feel abandoned. It's trying to get this feeling child and rational adult communicating that allows the healing - in my opinion.

I realize that my talk in this post has been very frank. I know that when we are "brutally honest" we tend to be more brutal than honest, but please know that what I have shared here is in no way intended to spread pain - far from it. I wish only to aid you bmoms in your understanding and healing. You are all wonderful for going through your pregnancy and giving life to your child, and to their afamilies. I wish I could somehow remove your suffering, as I know you wish the same for me.

Thank you all for sharing, and I hope that in some small way I have helped you to understand how the adoptee MIGHT be feeling - because as it was shared early in this thread, we're all different.

Sincerely,
Eric born 10/9/1965 in New Orleans (VOA)
ISO BMOM from Arkansas

[Sharon]

I am skeptical about this "primal wound" thing. I'm a birthmother, so obviously I don't WANT to believe it could be so. But I think I would be skeptical even if I wasn't a birthmom.
I can see how a child who was not adopted for months or years after birth might have subconscious feelings of abandonment that might carry over to adulthood, but I don't believe this would be the case for a child adopted at birth.
I have 2 sons, age 13 and 11. The thirteen-year-old was placed for adoption at birth. I kept him with me in the hospital for two days. He was with me constantly... for the entire two days he was never out of my arms and his father's arms. On the third day, we signed the relinquishment papers, and within hours my son was in the arms of his adoptive parents.
My eleven-year-old, on the other hand, was born more than two months premature. He had some health problems and had to remain in the neo-natal ICU for the first six weeks of his life. He was kept in an isolette (incubator) and for weeks, we were not allowed to touch him except by reaching through portholes in the sides of the isolette and touching him with latex gloves that were attached to the thing. In other words, he had no skin-to-skin contact for at least the first month of his life. Furthermore, within a week of being discharged from the hospital, he began to manifest symptoms of a genetic defect called Pyloric Stenosis, and had to be rushed back to the hospital to have this defect surgically corrected.
I don't know much about my 13-year-old; according to the adoptive parents, he's healthy, happy, excelling in school and doing fine.
My eleven-year-old, who I am raising, is also healthy, well-adjusted, energetic and bright. He doesn't seem to have any abandonment or self-esteem issues.
Considering the different starts each of them got in life, I would expect my older (placed for adoption) son would be the more well-adjusted of the two. If anyone were to suffer from any "primal wounds", I would think it would be my younger son. But luckily, he doesn't seem to be troubled by anything like this.
I am not trying to downplay the pain that some adoptees feel. I believe them when they say they suffer from abandonment issues and feeling out of place. But I believe these are self-esteem issues that arise later in life, during childhood or adolescence. I don't believe anything that happens in the first days of life could possibly be remembered, even on a subconscious or primal level. If this were true, then those like my eleven-year-old who suffered health problems at birth and had NO contact with ANYBODY for the first months of life would be basket cases, rather than the happy, well-adjusted children that most premature infants grow up to be.
I have also worked with young children for many years, and I have seen how newborns block out all outside stimulus by simply sleeping most of the time and waking only to eat. I know that voice and touch are soothing to infants, but I cannot accept the theory that a newborn can tell one set of loving arms from another.
This is my opinion, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone. Like I said, I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of adoptees' pain. I know it's real, and I empathize with it.
~Sharon

[dl]

I completely agree with you. Many times I have seen it posted that adoptees have the "Primal Wound" or "attachment disorder" because they go through "separation trauma" during birth and are separated from their bmother and no longer hear the same heartbeat "24/7". I've often thought, don't ALL babies go through those things? You bring up an excellent point regarding premature babies. There is a definite separation there. I'm glad after such a difficult start your 11 year old son did well.

I was left at the hospital and then was in seven different paid caretaker situations prior to being adopted at 13 months. If anyone is a candidate for "Primal Wound" or "attachment disorder" it is me. However, I have absolutely no memory of any life prior to my parents. My parents did take me to visit the last foster mother I was with a couple of times and believe it or not, I do remember her giving me a cookie that was chocolate covered with marshmallow in the center. I was probably three or four at the time. I swear to God that is still one of my favorite cookies.

I totally agree with your statement that " I cannot accept the theory a newborn can tell one set of loving arms from another". In reading the information in my non id report, I had no problem during the 13 months that I was passed around and it only took a week after being with my parents that the social worker noted that I "had adjusted well".

I think there are times where people have problems and they look for excuses to explain those problems. Many people raised by their bparents have the very same problem that people attempt to blame on adoption.

[angelonahog]

I have just found my mom this week and 3 1/2 siblings and there were two besides me adopted out. She is in contact with me and it is wondrful but, the siblings she kept don't know about me and her husband who is the father to the brother after me , don't know about me. I was scared to death when I finally got her number to call. I am glad I did she cried I cried. But...now I am having to deal with the fact that I may never be a part of her life. All I can do is pray that she will one day be strong enough to tell them. Evidently her husband throws up her past to her. I can also start as soon as I can talk long enough to get info. searching for the other two who were put up for adoption before me. I hope she changes her mind (your daughter) but when I was 19 I do not know if I would have consented. Partly because at that age you are concerned with self. It took me until I was actually about 35 years before I started searching. Best wishes to the patient one... MJ

[smorey]

Sharon and dlouis

I am one of those children who had bonding issues with my aparents. From as far back as I can remember I always knew that something wasn't right. When my parents told me that I was adopted it made the pain even more real. I had already decided that I didn't like them. After I found out I was adopted I became even more angry because I blamed them for taking me away from my bparents. I later got over those feelings and I now love my parents and I am grateful for the things they did for me. Yet I still do not feel any family bond. On the other hand, my sister who was also adopted never had those issues. She was one of those kids who figured she was better off with our aparents than she would have been with her bparents. Ironically, she has already found her bfamily and both bparents and she did not go through the fear and anxiety over the reunion that I am, and I do not even know where my bmother is or who my bfather is.
I think that attachment disorder and primal wounds are very real, but I think I depends on the personality of the child. I was not abused, I was not neglected, yet even as toddler I pushed my aparents away had hardly ever allowed them to show me affection. This behavior has caused many problems in my life. I have been in couseling and everything. Now I rely on Christ to help me, it is the only thing that has worked. I am now relying on Him to be my strength as I go through the search and reunion process.
To sum up what I have just rambled on about, I think that primal wounds are very real, but there is more to it than adoption, and yet how does one explain the fact that I knew something was not right at a very young age. Infants do know the smell of their mother and they do know the heartbeat of their mother. There must be something to all of that. I welcome your thoughts.

[sspete]

I think both truths are very valid points. Not every adoptee bonds with their aparents. They go through life feeling like something is just not quite right. However, there are some adoptees who feel as though they are where they belong!!! To each his own, it just depends there again on the personality of the person. My bdaughter has MANY traits that are identical to mine physically and personality wise. Sometimes I bet she wondered where did THIS come from. Primal Wound--Not really just many questions!!!!! Also, I have often wondered--babies KNOW their mothers from the minute they are born. My son would NOT sleep in the hospital nursery--they brought him to the room with me and he went to sleep immediately on my chest to my heart beat. There is a connection there with their mother--they have to learn and except that someone else will be taking care of them. To this day my children are four and eight and prefer me taking care of them to anyone!!!!

Soul Searching--Thanks for your input!!! I do think you have some valid points from an adoptee!!!!
S Pete

[Carol Bird]

I think her decision is very sensible, SSPete! Nineteen IS too young for the reunion rollercoaster. She's still a teenager and she's in one of the most important phases of growing up. She needs to FIND HERSELF before she discovers you.

We birth/first moms dream of reunion from the day of our child's birth, and 19 years seems a long, long wait to us. But, most Adoptees, though they fantasize about us most of their lives, and want to know us, aren't really ready for the stress of reunion.

Let her have her space right now. When she feels ready, she will contact you. Let her finish school, start a career, date, and maybe even marry first. Give her time to develop before plunging into reunion.

I KNOW how you feel. I yearned for my daughter all of her life. I vowed that when she turned 21 I would open all the doors to my identity -- but would not actively search. I wanted HER to want to know me enough to search herself.

In 1975 when she turned 21, I registered with the ISRR and A.L.M.A. and started my wait. Susan found me just before her 33rd Birthday. She presented me with my first grandangel at the time of reunion; an adorable five month old girl, and has since given me ANOTHER girlchild. Both are now in highschool and have known me all of their lives.

I'm a part of my daughter's life, and I had a good relationship with her Mom and Dad, siblings and A-relatives over the 17 years we've been reunited.

She once told me that she started a search when she was 18, but college and dating got in the way. She said that she thought about it again at 25, but life got in the way ... and grad school, and love!

Consequence ... I reunited with a very sensible, mature young woman who's hot it "all together!" I have a place in her life and have bonded strongly with my granddaughters.

It was WELL worth the wait.

Good luck and hugs,
Carol Bird, Birthmom

[creed_04679]

My son who is 34 and loves his aparents has told me he NEVER felt connected to them or even a part of them. He learned this at a very young age. When we reunited he said it was if we had always known each other and that he felt an immeditate connection with his bfamily. I am only going on what he tells me and don't mean to hurt any afamilies. I suppose each child is different, but genetics are very strong and I think afamilies aren't willing to acknowledge that most of the time. creed

[sspete]

Thanks for your input!!! I know 19 is a very hard age and one of great discovery. I opened the door to her just in case she was ready. I am willing to wait forever if that is what it takes. There is NO rush. I just wanted her to know where I was just in case she was curious!!! I feel in my heart when the time is right for her it will be right for all. From the beginning, I have said this is all about her and her feelings. What everyone else wants does not matter. I know one day she will come around, and when she does I will be ready, willing, and able!!!! It is really great everything turned out so good for you--I know it will for me one day too!!!! S Pete