[dl]

Isn't it odd how we rarely see people with the same attitudes about reunion reuniting? Has anyone experienced this or recall seeing someone post "I found my bchild and they were so happy to hear from me" or an adoptee posting "I found my bparents/bmom/bdad and they were so happy to hear from me"?
How sad that so often only one party is interested, so instead of two joyful people, one person is very hurt and dissapointed and the other is ????? . Very sad.

[maureen salamon]

I am one of the lucky ones -- an adoptee who found my bmom a year ago. Her contact letter back to me said she "received my letter with such joy -- I had always hoped the day would come that you might search me out." We have gone on to have an extremely successful reunion. She "outed" me to her three other kids, the rest of her family, and all of her friends. This was not done without much thought and some pain, but I know she feels it has been worth it now. She feels she no longer has to live in dark corners and shadows.

But I do feel timing has so much to do with the success of a reunion. If she had found me when I was 19 and starting college, I don't think I would have turned her away, but I really don't think I could have received her very well into my life. Ditto for when I was 25 or even 30 -- when I first considered this scenario since my sister's bparents found her when I was about that age. I remember being mortified at the prospect that these people could just step back into my life after giving me up so many years before!

What a difference a few more years made. When I was 34 I decided I didn't want to go the rest of my life without knowing anything about where I came from. That prompted me to send for my non-identifying background, which then prompted my search, then leading to contact on my part and the reunion a year ago, when I was 35.

I couldn't have asked for more, but I know exactly how lucky I've been. I joke that if I had started lurking around AdoptionForums before my reunion I never would have had the guts to contact my bmom -- after getting the eyeful of posts on how badly most reunions go! I was glad I took action first before educating myself on typical scenarios!

That's just how it ended up for me -- not because I deserve it anymore than anyone else. Just luck, and fate, I guess.

[Kindreds]

I share many of your thoughts. I too am in a succesful reunion and feel lucky that the timing was right. I think many posting here after reunion are those with problems as those with good reunions do not need that much support so don't come here. So those searching have a very skewed impression. I come here to read and learn as I am very interested in the dynamics of search and reunion. In countries that have opened records for those seeking, and have had 10 plus years experience, there are organized groups in those countries that provide counseling. Here in the US - everthing is so scattered, each state has its own set of laws, limited resources and poor training for those performing the CI job. It is important for those searching to read and learn as much as possible about adoption and what might happen in reunion. The best advice I can give is be patient, and go slowly even though every cell in your body tells you to race.

[creed_04679]

Maureen: You are so right. I am now in a successful reunion with my son who will be 34 in a few months. I found him when he was just 21 and it didn't work out. I didn't see or he from him for nearly 7 years, until he was in his thirties, married with a child of his own. What a difference this has made for us. He is ready for this relationship now, he wasn't 10 years ago.................

[dl]

Thank you for posting your positive stories. It is reassuring to read about reunion situations that were joyful for both the bmother and the adoptee. We do not see enough of that on the forum at all. Honestly, when I posted the question in my previous post I could not recall having read any. I am happy for all three of you and your children.

Agree that timing is very important. In addition to giving the adoptee time to mature and be "ready", perhaps it is helpful to the bmother as well. If she went on and had other children, perhaps it is easier to "out herself" to them if they are also more mature.

Kindreds posted: "I think many posting here after reunion are those with problems as those with good reunions do not need that much support so don't come here. So those searching have a very skewed impression."

I completely agree that we don't hear from "all sides". An adoptee that believes, based on what they read on the forum, that their bmother has been longing to hear from them and thus the adoptee is doing a "good" thing by contacting bmother can end up with even deeper feelings of rejection than they may have felt if they had never been on the forum. The bmothers that don't want contact are not represented here at all so it leaves adoptees with "a very skewed impression".

creed_04679 - I read on another thread about a bmother hoping for a second chance at reunion with her son as the first attempt was not successful. I will direct her to your post and hopefully it will give her some encouragement. So glad you shared!

[davidbur51]

Hi, I was adopted when I was 6 1/2 to a loving family. I grew up and knew that I was adopted. Well when I was 24 I decided that I wanted to meet my birth father. That was a mistake. Everything that I heard about him was still the same. He didn't change at all. So now I'm scared to even meet my birth mom.

[Angelwings2002]

sspete.....I understand what your feeling all too well. I searched for and found my daughter in 2001. I initialy made written contact with her aparents. Finally this past March I recieved an email from Jenn...we emailed casually for 1 month. This is when she asked me to give her "some time" and "when she was ready for contact again she would get ahold of me". My daughter is 18 and just graduated from High School this past Sunday.Remember our children are still very young and are starting to test the waters of adulthood,and are trying to find their place in the world.


All we can do is be Patient and give our children the time they ask for to sort through all the thoughts and emotions that come with reunion. We as Bmoms have had many years to prepare for the reunion...our children have not.

I guess sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment and want it all right now....unfortunatly sometimes it doesn't work out that way (as you and I ..and I am sure many more have found out) . And what can we do???? ...absolutely NOTHING !..but be PATIENT. My daughter gave me no reason for wanting no contact at this time. But I respect her enough to give her whatever time she needs...even though it broke my heart when I read those words.

I am a Reunited Adoptee ( 17yrs ) and was found by my bfamily when I was 20...I didnt pullback or ask for time... I actually didnt have a choice or any control in the reunion process...I was just sorta thrown into the mix. Maybe I should have ..than maybe my reunion with my bfamily would have turned out to be a good thing..(whole nother story).

Be PATIENT and things will work out..I know easier said than done.

"Things are not always as they seem
remember to look outside the box"

[Decision]

I had to come back to this thread...for I find myself deeply immersed in NOT wanting contact. Before I had this feeling I was confused how a mother would not want contact with her child and vise versa. I feel that because of my sons rejection I have come to this place in my life that I would not want contact even if he was to decide he wanted to see me. So now I am getting a clearer picture of why someone would do this.On an emotional level it is very difficult for me to accept anymore pain associated with the loss of my son, I would prefer to move on and forget that I had one...yes near impossible feat, but I find it getting easier each day, through therapy I have learned that it is okay not to think of him, and when my thoughts stray to him I use my relaxing technique to disperse thoughts of him from my mind, In the past I had always thought that if I didnt think of him I would be letting go of something so precious, but now I know that I was only gluing myself to unnessisary pain. I do have to admit though I hope that one day I will change my mind and want once again to meet him. I am finally figuring out that I dont need to be in pain over the loss of my son and just enjoy other things life has granted me with
Hugs
Melissa

[davidbur51]

I have to admit that i'm scared of meeting my birth mom. I met my biorth dad and it was a terrioble experince. I'm 27 now and was adopted by a family when i was 6. I would like to meet her but on mutal ground in a public place. I have questions that need to be answered and only she can give me the answers I need. I know that most questions of kids that where adopted and found later that they where are hard ones for the orignail birth parents to answer. Such as: Why? The why question is the hardest to answer. i want to know why i was put up for adoption from her. I want to know if she loved me,or didn't want me. I love my adoptive parents. But still I do have questions that need answered. But like I said I'm scared of meeting her after meet him.

[patrisha]

My reunion has also turned out pretty well (in my opinion anyway) and like maureen my son was over 30 when he searched and found me.

Many bmom's were not only traumatized by the pain of a closed adoption, but were severely mistreated by the "professionals" we trusted during pregnancy and delivery. Those of us that survived the ordeal and rebuilt our self esteem will be more secure facing the child we "left behind" and "outing" that child to current family and friends. Unfortunately, many bmoms never recovered and suffered thru secondary infertility, alcoholism, drug addiction, and/or other destructive behaviors that left them unwilling or unable to face their child.

The maturity level (not necessarily the age) of the adoptee at the time of the reunion plays an important role. If they are old enough to have lived a little and made a few tough life choices of their own they are less likely to be judgemental, can better appreciate the complexity of the reunion relationship, and keep expectations in check.

The attitude of the adoptees' parents have projected about their birth family throughout their life is very crucial. Secrecy or negativity can turn the birth family into the bogey man, where as a positive spin will help give the adoptee confidence that his/her birth family would welcome the reunion.

I'm not saying a reunion needs all of these factors to succeed, but they do improve the odds. I also want to note that a reunion is work in progress, just like life, and that is why I come to this forum. I can continue to learn from other adoptees about the life my son has had to lead without giving him the 5th degree. I can also reciprocate by sharing some of my experiences over the last XX years as a parent, birthmom, foster mom to my niece and nephews, and zoo keeper LOL).

Trish

[davidbur51]

Well I'm a 27 yr.old son wh was adopted at 6. I know my birth moms name and state. i'm scared of meeting here because i dis have some contact with her a few years ago. I learned then that she has had 2 other sons and a daughter. I'm the oldest of all 5 of us. Luckly me and the 2nd eldest where adopted by same family. From what I heard she had to give up the other 3. I'm scared fro them because i know how it is growing up. I would like to meet my other 3 siblings. That's why I'm scared of meeting her. All of us she gave up for adoption. So my question is this: Why have kids if your going to give them up? I understand that sometimes the situation isn't right or you where to young. So my other question is this: Should I meet her?

[maureen salamon]

It sounds like you have questions only your bmom can answer sufficiently -- like how she could give five kids up. It's almost a guarantee she felt she had no choice or alternative. But it sounds like you need to hear that from her, even if you're scared to take that step. At least you'll have the answers. And who knows, it might go a whole lot better than it did with your bdad.

I agree with Patrisha -- there are several factors that make it more likely for reunions to go well. David, you are 27 and you've lived long enough to understand that sometimes life just hands you a raw deal you have to work through. By the time I contacted my bmom, at 35, I'd suffered through the loss of my dad and six years of depression and come out the other side. I'd lived long enough to be mature about life's realities.

That helped a lot. So did my willingness to be flexible, to bend my life around the reunion in ways I couldn't have imagined doing when I was younger. Why live a cookie-cutter life when there are so many more fascinating things outside of the box? Much of life is the chances we take, the love we give when we don't think we ever had it in us.

It's hard, but try to get over your fear to reach out for the truth. In the process, you might be surprised at the love you receive in return. Good luck!

[creed_04679]

Descion: How long ago did your bson reject you? I completly understand what you are saying. My bson also rejected me, and I didn't hear a thing from him for 6 years. We now have a very good relationship, so don't give up. He contacted me after all those years and I too went into a shell thinking I don't care if he comes back into my life, wish I had never met him, etc, etc. That was just a way of protecting myself from further harm and pain. After 6 years I was going along pretty well with the same thoughts that you have, but underneath he was always there, but I went forward to enjoy my other son and grandchildren etc. He caught me completely by surprise after 6 years and we he first called I thought, can I go through this again>>>>>>>>>>>>>I did and have put a wall up and he will never hurt me like he did the first time he pulled away. I am so glad he is back, but I am careful and have learned a lot along the way the past 6 years. Don't be surprised if your child re-appears, and if he does, its because he has finally come to terms with his anger, rejection and all the other stuff adoptee's feel. Please don't give up, more than liklely you will one day get a phone call. Take Care-CREED

[N.C.]

The day my birthparents denied contact with me was the worst day of my life, it was devasting. That was in 1993, now we're 2003 and my bmother wants contact. I'm fighting the urge to tell her to go away, to refuse her the chance of abandoning me again. I have been working with people at ARR in British Columbia (where I was born) in 1993 they sent me a copy of an interview that my bparents had given to social services before giving me away. The interview states that they really had no reason to give me away other than that it would be inconvenient to keep me, they were both adults, living together, employed and they intended to (and did) get married. The ARR facilitator whom I dealt with in 93 said that my mother said "tell her to leave me and my family alone" the facilitator also said that it is common for bparents who give away a child, when they didn't have to, to refuse contact. Something to do with their feelings of guilt......

Next week my bmother and I will both recieve letters from ARR containing each other's contact information and I have no idea what I'm going to do... my biggest fear is that she will phone me and I will lose control of my feelings and my pain will come pouring out scaring her right back out of my life....

[Decision]

I do feel that my want to not meet my son is based on how he rejected me, though in my case its warrented as he is not even fifteen yet. Even though he is still young I am still feeling the sting from the slap on the face he delivered. I have been in councilling over this matter for sometime now, and feel that my anger and pain is ebbing, I am certain if he did chose to meet me when I first found him I would have scared him away as well, it would be good for you to get your pain walking beside you and not smothering you before you have contact with you mom again.
Yes guilt does play a huge part in the reason a birthmother would not want contact, but that is her dish to feed on not yours.
Hugs
Melissa