[Robinsmom]

I think we may have hit on something here. After all, isn't the strongest bond, one between a mother and her child? If the child felt that the mother had not wanted them, whether it true, or not, would this not lead to feelings of distrust, and even hate. Every important moment of their youth not to be shared. To know that somewhere out there, they had a mother, who did not want them. I AM LOOKING AT THIS THROUGH THE EYES OF THE CHILD, NOT THE MOTHER. What could this really do to a persons idea of their birthmother. I can see now, how they would not really trust us, how it would be hard for them to let us get close. All the loss we have felt, they felt too, only from another direction. No matter what we say or do, we are fighting against years of them believing that we did not want them. It really is sad, and I wish I had thought of this before. I was too wrapped up in the hurt it caused me, not her pain. I think I am going to write to her and say I am sorry. Sorry I hurt her, sorry I was so selfish. Maybe, there is a middle ground somewhere for us to start again. To be able to see each other through the pain, and to forgive the past. We all carry so much guilt, and as a birthmother, I was trying to erase it all, by finding her and sharing my story. I expected her to understand it, and except it, but what if in her heart, she really didn't believe me? What if she thought I would just disappear one day, like i had before. Maybe it was a test, on her part, to see how much it would take to send me running away again. It was too easy for me to believe that she just didn't want to know me, that her life with her adopted family was perfect, and I was like some awful reletive that came crawling into her life, to try to disrupt it. I really need to ask her to forgive me. I am going to try to do that. I will keep you posted.
Colleen

[keds]

Colleen, great post, it gives me a lot to think about as I have been looking at his pain from my perspective rather than his so when he tells me everything is ok and he's had a great life I didn't question it - much. When he said he "had a place in his life" I had to know what, when, how rather than wait patiently to let him decide. I've just written him so I will wait for our next meeting (before Christmas) before asking too many other questions.

[janiej]

I think that perhaps I too, thought more about ME early on in reunion than my son. I didn't realize that HE might also have been "hurting" for 39 plus years, because of what I did ( or should I say "didn't do" ? )

I have learned over the past three years of reunion that he holds much inside....and I have backed off ALOT in talking about MY pain. I don't think he wants or needs to hear about it.

One of the very first things I did though, at our first meeting....was asked him to forgive me. His "forgiveness" was so very important. He told me, without any hesitation whatsoever, that there was "nothing to forgive".
As the past years have gone by....I think he wanted to believe that more than I did.....yes, many many days I wonder...........

Robinsmom....please do reach out to her again. What can it hurt ?

[Robinsmom]

I will reach out to her, because I really do think that I wasted a lot of time thinking about myself, and how sad I was. I had it in my head that she had a good life, and I had suffered so that she could. Maybe she did, or maybe she didn't, because she says little on that topic. I do know, as I lost my mother at 7, that you never really let go of that loss. I know that adoption is not quite the same as a death, but do they miss the real mother, can that really be completely replaced. I'm not so sure anymore. Does the wondering why, make them feel bad about themselves sometimes, can a cruel comment from another child, such as " your real mother did not even want you" cause them to think it's true. I'm not so sure about anything anymore, but I do think that as birthmothers we may never get to see that side of these kids. They may want to hide it from us, as we seem so sad about what has already happened to us. Would they really want to add more pain to that. I am beginning to see this in a totally different light, and maybe, just maybe, if we let up on our pain, and focus on theirs, we might be able to better understand all this.
Is'nt it true, that the things you miss the most in life are the few things you just can't have. Is that not why most of us are here, trying to get back what we could not have? Maybe these kids feel the same, but because of amoms they can not commit to it totally. Somebody would always get hurt. I would not want to be in those shoes. Who would you pick? How could you pick? Would you not just go back to the life you know, and trust? I am on a mission, no more words of pain from me to her. I am going to try to make this all about her and see if it helps, you are right when you say it can't hurt. Wish me luck guys. This is pretty hard.
Colleen

[josh1788smom]

Sending you luck Colleen - you go girl. I hope this opens new doors for you.

If I could figure out how to say those things to a boy that deleted his myspace, and I have no other means to contact, I would. Oh well. Patiently waiting. If I say it enough - I will believe it.

[Robinsmom]

Ladies,
well, i did it, I sent the e-mail. I wrote her, and explained how I had been scared before, too scared of losing her again, so I had acted badly. I put it all on me, which is where it belonged anyway. I think she may have understood. She wrote back. It was nice, we may have a chance. I am so happy that I did it. I do not want to think that I chased her away. I don't think I could have lived with that. I do believe we are going to give it another try. So, don't give up hope, I had, and if I had listened to myself, I would still be wondering. I really do believe that we have to look at this from both sides. We are not the only ones hurting, and we have to remember that, as hard as it may seem. It takes work, and time, nothing this important can come easy. Most of all, we have to tell the truth, I know, as I would avoid anything that would make me seem not perfect, when I talked to her. I am not perfect, nobody is, so why would I think she would believe I was. It seems so silly now. I think she will much more enjoy the real me, I don't have to work so hard to keep that up. I am not out of the woods yet, but I can see the light, so I will keep you posted.
Love,
Colleen

[keds]

Colleen, good for you! It is hard work but very much worth it. Time is the hardest part for me - allowing him time to get to know the "real" me and decide if he needs or, more importantly, wants, a relationship. take care.

[Jackiejdajda]

Colleen..

What a wonderful thing..

Jackie

[janiej]

Colleen....that step we take, the one that we are so unsure of....it is so scarey !
But if we do NOT take that step....we may become forever "stuck".

I am so happy you took the step....and will pray that your relationship will grow. The possibilites are endless now.....and yes, we do tend to forget that we are not the only ones who suffered in all of this.

Good for you !

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

snip...
It seems like so much is just sugar-coated. No one tells you that this child will likely hate you for abandoning them, like you said Keds; and I imagine they do. Everyone focused on how a. this is best for the baby b. you are making these people who cannot have children, a family, yada yada yada.

re bold - No they didn't!!

Originally Posted by josh'smom

Second, there is this loyalty thing. Children (at any age) do not want to be disloyal to those who have provided and sacrificed, and been there for them. For some reason, it has to be aparent vs. bparent. It cannot be all parents.

strange, you should say that - my bdaughter said this was between me and her amom.... huh??

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by Robinsmom

snip...
I really need to ask her to forgive me. I am going to try to do that. I will keep you posted.
Colleen

I've got that in my letter to my bdaughter - maybe I should send it....

Originally Posted by janiej

snip...
Robinsmom... please do reach out to her again. What can it hurt?

I was going to say the same thing here Robinsmom... I see that you did send her an email... will be waiting to 'see' what happens! Good Luck!

[keds]

Hi everyone, I've been thinking about this post and not only didn't they tell me that it was likely my bson would "hate" me but they kept telling me that he would "love" me more for placing him with a "family". what was I?? Sorry, feeling a little down today so I'm staying off the forums so I don't "share" the blues.

[Robinsmom]

Wow,
Look at all this support. You guys are great.
Jackie,
I am just putting into action all the things I learned from you. I took away my guilt, and pain, and offered up understanding instead. I feel very positive about this. I had nothing to lose, as I had given up on it all. I think I needed to do that before I could move forward.
Looking,
What ever happened to that letter? Maybe you should send it. Or maybe revise it. You are never going to know, if you don't try. I know you will send one, when you are ready.
Janiej,
You are so right, I was stuck for a while, I gave up for a while, and then I rethought it all. This thread was made for me. I had never looked at things from anybody elses point of view. When i did, it hit me hard. I had been so selfish. I had really only been thinking of me. My pain. I thought I needed it to survive, but really I needed to let it go to suceed.
Keds,
Don't feel so blue. Your time will come. I know it. We have been so programed by this. Our thoughts and actions were driven by pain and loss. We were not told that we might be hated or ignored by these kids, and always believed that we were doing the right thing. Suffering in silence. We have to find our middle ground, somewhere between what we lost and what they lost. I know for me, I was almost embarassed to put into words what I felt. I put off telling her I was sorry because of pride and fear. I was so afraid she would find me weak and unacceptable. It was easier to walk away and blame it on her. She didn't want to know me, she didn't like me. I was so sure of this. I closed the door because I made myself believe. How could I have been wrong, after suffering so much? I was wrong, and she does not think me weak, she admires my strength, or so she says now, I hope it's true, and I hope I can live up to that. I had lost all hope, hit rock bottem, so to speak, so I really thought there wa nothing to lose in trying. I'm glad I did. She is still e-mailing, and I hope that my words make her feel better about things. I know that I feel better. It is such a struggle, and I know that there is some way, somehow, for you to get a hold of that kid and make him see. You never meant him harm, you dd what you thought was right, out of love. I know this, because I did the same thing. I was confused, I felt I had been cheated, it was not till i finally got that she had been cheated too, that I could do what I had to do to mend some of this mess. I'm going to contiue to try. I hope you can get the same chance. Just never give up trying. We have learned so much, and it will be wasted if we don't turn around and use what we have learned. If you can contact him, do it. Ask him to forgive you. Explain how things are and how you did not mean to hurt him. I'm sure he will respond.
Love,
Colleen

[L@@king2]

Originally Posted by janiej

snip...
But if we do NOT take that step... we may become forever "stuck".

hmmmm.... yes, I agree janie. If I don't take that step... I may never know...

and Colleen - re my letter. I'm going to save it until April of next year... wait it out - and 'see' if she comes around before then! And if not, than I'll be sending it on its way to her... what could it hurt, eh?? I figure a year and a few months is as long as I can wait!! LOL!

Glad to hear that your bd is coming around!!

[keds]

Colleen, thanks! He is a great person and I think he's taking it slow as he's been hurt throughout his life and I'm an unknown. I've sent a note and will see if he has time for dinner/drinks when I'm in town in 2 weeks. I let him know whenever I'm in town so it's his choice to meet or not. I'm feeling like I'm "forcing" him to meet me now but that may be what I'm "reading" into it. Christmas is coming and I don't want him to feel "obligated" but I love Christmas and I am a "giver"and not a great "receiver" but how do I let him know that!!!

Have a great weekend!