[Sabra]

Hello:

Reunions within the triad can be so very emotional. I remember when we finally met my husband's father's birthfamily after searching for them for two years straight and numerous other attempts over their 67 years of separation.

Talk about can't sleep major stuff!!!! Unbelievable. Each person that I have talked with over the 7 years I have been hosting the Ups and Downs of Reunion chat on our chat room has talked again and again about the emotions. When a reunion relationship can fizzle out it can be so hard.

Many of us have had disappointing reunions. If we share our experiences on this forum we can learn more about the reunion experience.

What has your reunion been like?

Warm regards,

[sspete]

Hi Sabra--I have recently been reunited with my bdaughter and her aparents. What an incredible feeling!! The minute I knew my bdaughter was doing Great I felt a hole in my heart begin to mend. She is nineteen years old and her aparents are just so excepting of me. She is a little reserved with our reunion however. This is okay with me--I am willing to wait forever with out feeling hurt. I know this is hard for her. This is hard for the adults. Her aparents have sent me pictures from birth until recent, and I cannot even tell you the incredible joy that goes through me when I see this precious young women! She is truly a blessing to me!! Everything that I have hoped and prayed for her has come true! What greater reward is there? I cherish the day that I can meet her and her wonderful family face to face. Then I will know it was worth it all. There is such a sense of completion when a bmother knows her child is safe, happy, and secure! My prayers go out to everyone in the triad as we are all special people, who need special prayers.

[Sabra]

Hi sspete:

Thanks for your post. It is so wonderful that you can feel the acceptance that your daughter's adoptive family has towards you. How very special that they have given you those priceless photos. I am thankful for your ability to be patient at this point. What helps you to be patient sspete?

Many blessing to you and others as they share their reunion stories.

Warm regards,

[sspete]

Patience has never been one of my strongest virtues, but in this situation I have a peace like only the Lord can give. I have had peace about my adoption experience from the very beginning. I believe this came from knowing the Lord was in the middle of my decision. What ever the outcome I know it to be for the best. I believe in time she will come around! Im holding on to faith! Many blessings to you!

I just realized I posted this in a difficult reunion section--I Don't know why I did that???? I feel that this reunion has been great!! Emotional, But great!! I think I should have posted on the other thread you started!! Sorry

[Jennifer C]

Hi Sabra:

I am a new member of this website. I am posting things where I should not post them however I am navigating a bit better now. I have a similar story to sspete. I admire her patience and she has responded to my earlier posting this evening. Here briefly is my story. I gave a baby girl up for adoption 23 years ago. Heartbreaking it was and still is. No one could possibly know the pain. 1980 - no choices but the right choice - adoption. My family was devastated. I have suppressed my feelings over the years but I thought about her everyday and wanted so badly to have her back. I feel like I have suffered for so long. Then last April I was reunited with her. I was thrilled. There were 2 visits. Everything seemed positive. I never heard from her again. She pulled away without even telling me why. I made attempts to contact her by mail (once) and sent her a b'day card. We live 30 minutes apart. She is expecting her first child. I am so hurt and wonder how sspete does it without going crazy. I will always love her and I guess I have a hard time understanding her feelings because she won't relay them. I hear of so many stories of adoptees just dying to reunite with their mothers. So hungry for their love and acceptance. Why can't mine be one of them?

Jennifer

[Veronica2]

Hi there. I have been reunited with my son. Nothing will ever or have ever touched me like that meeting did.

My son has left my life. His choice this time. I'm sorry he felt he had to go. My door is always open. I did learn through the Forget Me Not group, that not all children find their birth parents to build a relationship with them, (The dream of my heart), but to find out who they are.

If you read this my darling. Your wish is my command.

[shamsad]

Originally posted by Veronica2
Hi there. I have been reunited with my son. Nothing will ever or have ever touched me like that meeting did.

My son has left my life. His choice this time. I'm sorry he felt he had to go. My door is always open. I did learn through the Forget Me Not group, that not all children find their birth parents to build a relationship with them, (The dream of my heart), but to find out who they are.

If you read this my darling. Your wish is my command.

Feel for you ........... shoe is on the other foot for me I am child rejected and rejected more than you can imagine...or more than any story I have red and, I have been on line for about 3 hrs.! Reading ......... Would love for my mother to want to meet me , instead, my EX- BOYFRIEND has met her and I haven't!!!!!!!!!!!!! Three names down the road I found this hard to deal with ........now 37 and I'm getting over it .........thankfully. LOVE is all one can exude.X and lots of it...............

[snuffie]

Hi

I have been reunited with my bfamily for over 3 years. My bmom passed away before I could meet her.
I had searched 14 years ago and found her through an agency but she could not have any contact with me then. I felt so rejected. It took me a long time to come to terms with it.
Now that I have been reunited with my bsiblings I have found out why she could not have contact with me. My husband had said all along that there was more to the story than her just not wanting me. And he was right.
I know it is difficult to see through our bmom's not wanting contact but there is always more to the story than we can know.
It isn't us they are rejecting and I think to know that helps so much.

[Jennifer C]

I agree so much. As a birth mom I do not believe that any of us could willingly reject our child. Many of us were forced to relinquish our child and were forced to keep it buried for the sake of "everyone" involved.

[AGriffith]

I am a birth mother, who a year ago, reunited with my 31 year old son. We have been together twice but it is going very slow. The relief I felt at finally meeting him was overwhelming. I was forced to give him up and it devistated my life.

My son was very anxious to meet his birth father so I contacted him to try to set up a reunion. I wasn't too optamistic that he would agree since he insisted I get an abortion. We dated for 3 years in High School and were expected by our friends to marry. When I refused to abort my child, the bfather announced the child was not his and just walked out of my life with the assistance of his parents.

I found the bfather and sent several letters and emails to which he did not respond. Finally, I guess he realized I was not going away without an answer--His was response was so hurtful and nasty--He was happy I found MY son, I was invading his privacy and he would not respond to any further contact.

I got my answer from him and put myself through incredible emotional tramma--Our son was very disappointed but just let it go at that. I am the one who is having more of a problem with his bfather's rejection--I feel like I failed my child again and still am not able to reach closure because of the intense anger I feel tward the bfather.

I have suffered with this for 32 years and it is just as painful now as it was then. I don't know what it is going to take to ever reach some level of peace. I don't understand how some people can be so cruel and never have to take responsibility for their actions. These unresolved issues are making it difficult for me to experience joy when I am with my son. I feel that if I can not get past this and soon, I will drive my BSon away.

[Jackiejdajda]

AGriffith wrote..I feel like I failed my child again and still am not able to reach closure because of the intense anger I feel tward the bfather.

I noticed that I ended up centering on the people who were in my life when I relinquished.. Blaming and resentments every which way I turned..

I swear this is part of the grief work.. And I swear this anger happens to more than one birthmom when she reunites and sees the son or daughter all grown up..
I know I had intense anger..

But you can't be responsible for him.. That's crazy making.. That's trying to control something that is beyond your control..

Welcome to the forums..

Jackie

[lyndalou]

Dear "A",
I have a story that closely mirrors yours, one year ago, I was united with my wonderful son (age 36 at that time). Of course, I wanted to help him to meet his b'father. I contacted him through a mutual friend & was astounded to find out that he wanted nothing to do with OUR son! He had never told his wife or sons. I was so upset that he didn't want to share to Joy of knowing this wonderful man that I was obsessing about it. My therapist helped me to see that the b'father's way of dealing with this was none of my business. I can now treat my relationship with MY son as a precious gift to me! It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels or says.....I'm happy with this relationship , in fact ,I'm delighted!

[Veronica2]

For all of you who have learned and became healthy from the reunion. I thank you. It helped me see that I'm not crazy for at first not wanting the bfather to meet my son. I was so very angry until I got some help and realized that the bfather is a hurting unit, and luck me I wasn't in love with him. He did see his son, but because my son wasn't a perfect person, another hurting unit reacting to being rejected by his original parents, his father now had a very adverse attitude about Your Son, as he now calls him.

I was very ill, emotionally when I gave my son up. I've since learned that adoption is not the answer. I don't want to hurt people who want to adopt, but I do wish we could find a way to help mothers who think there is no place for them and their child as a package. That's how I felt, that there was no place for me and my child in the world. No money, no home, no support. And the big NO, no father to help me bring him up.

So I gave him up so that an agency could find a loving home for him, instead he was brought up in a family where the father indulged his every whim, and his mother was bipolar.

I can not undo that, I can only go on and be as happy as I can possibly be under the circumstances.

[AGriffith]

Originally posted by Jackiejdajda
...you can't be responsible for him.. That's crazy making.. That's trying to control something that is beyond your control...

I have begun to recognize that the orgin of all this pent up anger is from a feeling of being out of control--having no control. I feel this is a big step forward for me. This has always been an issue for me growing up in an abusive family enviroment.

I have made a conscience decision to express my buried feelings. I am admitting them to myself and to the people in my life--telling family and friends about my bson and about myself. I am finally giving myself permission to be me, baggage and all.

It is terrifing telling people about this part of my life, but, the reaction I get is nothing but supportive and positive. I actually think people respect me more after knowing my secret.

It will take me some time to work out the issues I have with the bfather, but, I am finally meeting these feelings head on now. Having the opportunity to express myself on this form to people who understand is a relief in itself.

[Jackiejdajda]

AGriffith wrote..I have begun to recognize that the orgin of all this pent up anger is from a feeling of being out of control--having no control.

Melody Beattie wrote some amazing stuff about this.. One line she wrote about control was "I wish I could control timing."

What if we had controlled the timing of our life so we could have kept our kids..

I am finally giving myself permission to be me, baggage and all.

That is such an amazing thing.. Risking so much.. I remember when I told my mom that my daughter was going to get a tatoo.. Mom said.. "Ohhhh no not that.. Tell her you will not love her if she does that!"
"Tell her we will not be able to look at her."

In other words say anything to stop her from being who she is..
My daughter is part of this modern world.. She is part of her tribe and her tribe gets tatoo's.. Its who she is..

Being who someone else wants us to be leads to this business of doing something that is against our nature..IMO
I used to wonder why my mom let my baby go.. She raised my sister and myself so why in the heck did she let my son go?

But I am not she and she is not me..

The problem was I let her decide who I was..
Or who I was supposed to be.. ie.. the single girl looking for a husband..

It is terrifing telling people about this part of my life, but, the reaction I get is nothing but supportive and positive. I actually think people respect me more after knowing my secret.

The only way out is through.. Doing the work of the tough stuff (exposing ones deepest darkest) leads to the clear mind.. I believe that with all my heart.
How can we learn something when we have no one to talk with?
Question with...No one to react to what we have said..

I once wrote a letter to my son.. I was in therapy and the therapist asked me to read it to her..
I told her I could not.. But then I decided I should.. I read the letter and I looked up and she was crying.. She saw my pain..
I know I healed a lot that moment..



Jackie