[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

To the helpful and advising members of a.com, I, a lurker is in need of guidance,

Okay, I have been in reunion with bmom for about a year and a half (not quite) and never met F2F (we have not had time, I’m in college and she has two kids). We (if you have read my journal will know, though I have not updated for a while) have had our share of ups and downs. It seems like everything for the most part is going well. Here’s the part I question, she never calls me, if I email her she does not email me back, if I text her to ask her a question she’ll answer, but occasionally she’ll say call you later, and never does it. I call her, I used to call her once a week, but because of finals and school, I started calling her every two weeks (she has not changed the way she acts either), I don’t think she noticed the difference. She has done the not calling me back thing for awhile so I am use to it, but its beginning to frustrate me. I got to the point where I really want to stop calling her and wait for her to call me but I keep feeling that it is wrong, I don’t want to play games, nor do I want to test her. Also, she never talks when I call her, she says she has a boring life and nothing to say, so when I tell her that I can call her less, she says no, I can call her whenever I want to. I hear the jump in her voice to get the idea out of my head but it doesn’t help. I ask her if she has any questions for me, she always says no, she knows everything about me, and I wonder how? I don’t even know everything about myself. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of her going to come visit in July which if she is really coming is a whole new conversation and can of worms altogether. I just want to yell, I want to tell her how I feel and I can’t. I don’t want to lose her, but this is killing me.
I just want to tell her that I am frustrated that she never calls me, she never e-mailed me back when we emailed each other, I feel as though she doesn’t try and doesn’t care. I am being the most flexible person in the world, I told her I would call her more if she wanted or less, she said call her when I want to. She said the same with email. I try to ask her questions (very superficial, about work, my sister, what are her plans for the weekend, I’ve tried deep question and she still says nothing) and she doesn’t want to reciprocate. I have tried to tell her what’s going on in my life but she just seems disinterested and everything is cool. I grasp the fact that she is not/does not want to articulate, though in her letters she was very (who knows). I just don’t understand where she is going with this. I am tired of trying so hard.
So all this to ask: do I just confront her and ask or am I missing something and need to watch my approach? I am not going to call her until Tues. or Wednes. night so you have time to ask questions or mull it over. She’s not going to call and if she does I have finals tonight and won’t be able to pick up the phone.

Thanks and God Bless Staci

[bmomto2_momto2]

I think this must be a horrible feeling for you. I do think you need to have an honest conversation with her about how you are feeling. If you can tell her what is bothering you without being critical you may discover the reasons behind the behavior. It may be a misconception she has about how to handle the reunion or any other number of things. You should be able to tell her what you are needing without fear of losing her. Be sure to tell her that you do not want that to happen at all. I hope you can get out of your relationship what you are seeking. I know that when I am finally able to have a reunion with my son... I would never ignore his attempts at communication or fail to reciprocate them. Best of luck

[RavenSong]

I think it's time for you to meet her face to face. Although email and phone calls are wonderful, I believe two people need to actually meet each other in person in order to develop a meaningful, lifelong relationship.

A couple things could be going on here. Your birthmom may be reluctant to say too much out of fear that she won't say the "right" thing or that she'll mess up somehow. That's a fairly common phenomenon in early reunion stages. I know it took me years after meeting my son until I didn't analyze every single sentence I said (usually afterwards).

The other thing that comes to mind is that your birthmom may be clinically depressed. I've had a few major depressions in my lifetime, and I know I get really quiet during those times. I have trouble talking on the phone, for example, if I'm going thru a depression. It doesn't seem to matter who the other person is on the phone, I just can't find the energy to talk...I can listen, but I can't talk if I'm depressed. Does that make sense?

I think maybe if you actually meet her in person, the situation may improve. I hope she opens up to you soon because I know this must be hurtful and frustrating for you. She may just not be very good at communicating her feelings...some people find it harder to open up than others. Have you tried writing her a letter about your concerns and fears?

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

RavenSong: I know we need to meet face to face, the hard thing is my amom won't let me drive anywhere (she's really over protective but that's another story) so I cannot get to her unless she gets me from the train staton or airport, which because of the small town she lives in would make it easier to drive besides my amom again not letting me go. So my only hope is if she comes and visits me which we had planned twice already and she bailed. So the reason why I am praying for July to work.
I think where all this comes from is the fact that I do not know what's going on in her head because she will not tell me. I tried writing her a letter a few months ago, it got her talking to me but she wanted to know why I just did not tell her. At the same time when I tell her she doesn't say anything. Maybe if calling her does not work I will try writing her again. I'm just confused.

~Staci

[Jackiejdajda]

I think she is afraid.. Staci.. give her time.. You are young (I am assuming this as you mention college) and she may worry about the tangle between you and the aparents and her emotions ..
Emotions that may have been buried for a long long time.. Emotions that may not have been acknowledged when she relinquished you...

Raven.. I have never put my inability to speak at times in my life.. to depression..

I say I am depressed know I am depressed and say I am ok and then walk away from all of it.. and beat myself up because I am detached again..

Interesting..

Jackie