[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Holly: I think that we are in a similar situation, you make a really good point, fear of progress or moving from the point that we are at. I think that she may think its all she can get or that the all new emotions it will take to get to the next point in this great big rollercoaster, may lead to a drop off and discontinuation of our reunion.

Kune: Yes I admit to dragging my feet, thinking that she may step up when I really need to, I just hate the feeling that I may be pushing her. Though I need to get through my head that voicing my opinion is not pushing.

Brown: "the other person truly WANTS to be in a relationship, but wants it to be passive on their part"
Good point, I also think that by them being so passive in a way makes us a bit passive and nervous about what we are doing. Also, they are controllng the relationships, we have the power to suggest but the fate of the decision weighs in their hands.

I think in all these situations we are finding different types or fear, it manifests it self in the best of situations. Finding my voice is definatley what I need to do. You all are very helpful in making me think about things.

~Staci

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr

Kune: Yes I admit to dragging my feet, thinking that she may step up when I really need to, I just hate the feeling that I may be pushing her. Though I need to get through my head that voicing my opinion is not pushing.

~Staci

tell me about it!

I have recently gotten more vocal, not disrespectfully, but not being afraid to ask for things. I'm not going to lie, it didn't go over that well, if anything I think it made her more insecure and afraid. But it also brought some feelings to the surface, whichisn't necessarity bad. And I'm starting to realize if the relationship is going to fall apart because I'm being respectful and asking for things, when I'm not even sure where the boundaries ARE, much less crossing them then our relationship is not going to stand up through this journey regardless of what I do.

Keep us posted!

[hollyhunter]

Brown,
She has come out of her protective shell a bit, about the time I truely let go of all the emotions that had overwhelmed me and stopped caring so much. As hard as I tried to keep emotions to myself she must have sensed the tension. We have only just begun to negotiate the issues of a relationship. Obviously, we have other issues yet to work out. I don't think putting her on a time schedule is the thing to do but I don't want to be in the email only mode 5 years later. I suppose with you, your relationship with amom is what it is. Maybe amom isn't really comfortable with a close relationship being her daughter isn't a part of it but isn't ready. She seems to feel the need to keep you at arms length for whatever reason. Maybe arms lenth, respectful distance or whatever, is how it should be. In my situation, I'm not sure what role amom has in our reunion. Just to be supportive of her daughter I guess. I wanted to step back from my relationship with amom to develope a relationship with bdaughter. Since its taken so long for her to decide, I'm not sure how(or if) to pick back up with amom. She understood we were all on shakey ground for awhile. I do miss that relationship but anyway, got a bit off track. I suppose its a matter of timing when to bring up moving forward. Maybe its just not the time and I'm ok with that but I don't want to stagnate.KWIM?

[kakuehl]

Something Brown said, got me thinking. In relationships unrelated to adoption the samething happens. One side seems to be the one that always initiates contact, is always the one who phones, etc. I can be on either side of that dynamic. I have one friend who always calls me. (Several times a day, infact.) She recently asked me if I would call her if she didn't call me; my response was yes, but probably not several times a day, or even every day! I have another friend who never calls. Everytime we get together she says we should do this more often, but she never initiates it. (And has been know to complain to me about relationships in which she has to make all the contacts.) The problem in adoption is that we add another layer of emotion and insecurity.
I suspect, however, that no relationship is ever 50/50. I'm not sure this observation is of any value, other that to remind us that at least sometimes the other person means it when they say they don't mind YOU making the contact.

[hollyhunter]

Kathy,
I was glad to see more feedback on this subject and I think your right. In adoption issues we tend to read more into things than was meant. The anxiety level alone hightens your sensitivity.Also very true that in "normal" relationships one person tends to initiate more than the other. Unless there are other cues, that is just how the relationship developes and it isn't that the person doesn't welcome contact. Unfortunately sometimes that is what it means so you look for other cues. In my family of origin, I was always the one who called or came to visit, except for my mom who contacted me equally.After a few unspoken cues that made me wonder if I was even welcomed by my siblings, I decided not to call or visit to see if anyone would take notice. Well, that was about 19 years ago and no one ever did. Of course there was, in addition this elephant in the room. My mom died after an illness that went on during the time I placed my child. I guess she was the glue that held us together. There were a lot of losses to deal with which crept back up once I initiated contact with my daughter. She reminded me so much of family I was sure she was going to reject me too. After I initiated contact I got some cues from her that she wasn't interested in contact. To prove I'm not hard to get rid of I stopped writing to see if she would inititate contact and she did finally after 6 months. She still may decide she doesn't want to continue but now I can accept whatever happens and be at peace. I will know that she put out the effort at least.

[nxilmom]

I get inspiration from Janis Joplin's "The Rose' because sometimes fear of losing can become a self fulfilling prophecy. People tend to hide behind email and its so hard to pick up on those important cues we need for establishing a relationship over the internet.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

Hey,
Its been quite awhile but I had to wait for bmom to come back from vacation to call her. I have decided that I am just going to take her at face value. She says she doesn't call because she is too busy. She has a lot on her plate right now and is very busy. Its not that I don't believe her, I just think that a person should be able to take time out for another person. Maybe we just think about relationships two different ways.
She does work quite a bit, I strongly believe that she is a workaholic and then we she comes home she just wants to spend time with her kids, boyfriend, and relax. There nothing more that I can do. And therefore when she told me she would call me later this weekend I just said ok, (in my mind whatever) and got off the phone. Sometimes life isn't fair and we roll with the punches. I really do want this so I guess I'll do whatever it takes. Maybe there will come a turning point and things will change. Right now I am just going to try to be happy knowing that my mom is in my life. In some respects it hurts but I'll just keep believing in the end that it is worth it.
As a bit of a high point she reconsidered coming to see me in July, so hopefully that will happen. I am learning not to dread so much those painstaking pauses in conversation after I have asked her a question about us or mentioned the word adoption. Though everytime I feel like I need to talk to her about something to do with our reunion I dread the phone call, wonder when to insert my comment, and have to convince myself to just say it. Maybe one day I can do it better. At least I know that I can do it f2f I just need her to actually come. Well thats all for now, thanks and God Bless

~Staci

[josh1788smom]

Not to scare anyone, but I think there really is something to the "fear" factor - for lack of a better term. My bson is young (19), and I think our communication went reasonably well for a while. I read all the posts, tried to keep things light, etc. But last summer his b-dad committed suicide. So again, I come to ask the question of how or if I should tell him. I got great responses. I sent him a brief note telling him. I did not go into detail, as it was suggested to me. He responded and asked questions, so I told him. Maybe I told him too much - who knows. We were communicating through myspace. He deleted it after that. Next I sent him a couple messages - months later and apart on Facebook - nothing heavy at all - just little notes like everyone suggested. He blocked me on Facebook.

There is a lot to be said for the fear of saying the wrong thing. I am apparently living what happens when you do.

[kune]

Josh1788smom
I agree it's a scary time - especially when the kids you are trying to connect to are so young. You know how emotional this coming-together was for you and I doubt that boys (especially) have the emotional maturity to handle the tempest......but.....in time, and with much patience, I also feel they will come around. I admire your tenacity and don't think you will give up. Know there are others hoping the energy you put into the early relationship will pay off in the long run. He knows where you are when he needs you....you know where he is and that all is well in his life......all that is 100% better than in bygone years so you have something to hold on to and believe things will turn out well.

You wrote...

There is a lot to be said for the fear of saying the wrong thing. I am apparently living what happens when you do.

I'm inclined to think you are caught in an inevitable "dip" where Josh needs to understand who he is and how he can fit another adult relationship into his life. Now is obviously not the time....regardless of whether you said the right thing or the something wrong. It's not the saying (I feel) but the other factors at play in his life...at the moment.

Regards
Ann

[kakuehl]

Josh'sMom,
As Ann say's Josh is young. For him to trust you, I think you needed to do just what you did in telling him about his bdad and in answering his questions. Simply keep the door open for him so he can learn that you will be there.

[JNs_AdtrandFes_Bdtr]

So I thought I would come back just to say I had my f2f with my bmom. You can read about it in my journal if you would like. I can say I was petrified and scared of the situation and her. I told her that when she called me a few days ago and told her I did not know if I could have another f2f for awhile. Then she said, "Staci, I am going to keep coming to see you until you aren't afraid of me anymore. We will fake it until we make it, when you want me to take you home I will but I'm not going to give up." So basically me and her are going to meet up again in a couple of weeks. I don't know what it was about the f2f but I took a step back and she took a step foward, now she actually calls me. She seems all around different, in a good way. But just as I was going to give up fighting and quit because I was scared, things turned around and she told me that she loved me and we would make it work. I don't dislike her, just scared/intimidated. So I'll wait and see what happens. Things do really work out fine in the end, I'm glad I stuck it out. Check Yall!
~ Staci

[kune]

Hey Staci....."All good things come to those who wait eh?? AND....Well done for going forward when the fear-factor is telling you to turn and run. It's huge to face your fears but so uplifting when you come out the other side unscathed and with a lighter heart and attitude. I can see a happier horizon for you and your bmom.....she sounds like a terrific lady who knows what's in her heart and isn't scared to say it out loud. Believe me...it's a rare gift even if it appears to be scary at the moment.

Ann

[josh1788smom]

Congratulations!!! I love happy stories!