[josh1788smom]

OK _ so this is just likely the culmination of all my frustration talking, but I am going nuts. Next week it will be a year since my son and I had our only real meaningful conversation, I guess.

If you have read any of my posts, I do not want to bore you with all the details, but as I read other posts it brings up so many questions. I do not want to monopolize someone else's thread; so I thought I'd start another.

One thread that got me thinking had a post that said, the bmom was tested to see if she told the truth and "owned what happened" at placement time. This got me thinking. I don't know if I have "owned" what happened, but my circumstances were unique. I think I am the only one that truly knows what went on then. The fact that my parents and his parents would be charged with kidnapping by today's standards should speak volumes. BUT - he does not know any of this because I never went into with him. I never wanted to paint his aparents in that light. But I also have no idea what they have told him about me or the situation.

Second, we communicated through myspace. He has recently deleted his myspace. Some of the threads say "they are testing to see if you give up on them again." So, am I being tested or is he saying leave me alone. Is it possible for me to do the right thing here? If he is saying leave me alone, and I call his cell or IM him, I am a stalking nut. If he is testing and I do nothing, he loses faith that I lost interest so easily. I don't think I can win here. Is it possible to do what is right???? His 19th birthday is next week. If we had myspace contact - I would pop him a light cheery "happy birthday" message. Now - I am just going to silently go nuts. This just has reinforced for me, how much this all Stinks!!!!!!!

[browneyes0707]

I don't have an answer, but I hope you get one soon! (((HUGS))))

[keds]

Josh's mom - big hugs! I can't help out much but if you have the ability to IM maybe on his birthday you could just to wish him well? If he hasn't actually said "leave me alone" and he may just be going through a rough time or someone else is pestering him through myspace. I'd stay in touch just in case he was "testing". I guess if you don't get a response then you know he needs a break. I vowed that as long as I had some way of communicating I would send a card on the "holidays". I told my bson this the first time we met and unless he specifically told me to get lost and not ever write/speak to him again that I would do so as I wanted him to know I wasn't going anywhere ever again. Hallmark is my new best friend. I can relate to the frustration and "guesswork" involved and not wanting to push or say/do the wrong thing but sometimes we have to do something or we'll go crazy! Not knowing is worse than knowing as my imagination is very creative. All the best.

[Jackiejdajda]

This got me thinking. I don't know if I have "owned" what happened, but my circumstances were unique.

I think this business of owning what happened is to stand in the truth of it..

Julia Cameron writes in the Artist Way..

"Stand knee deep in the flow of life and pay attention"...

My relinquishment of my first born son was full of lies and half truths and hiding..
Hiding my pregnancy.. Hiding my delivery.. Hiding all of it..

I think our minds confuse the thing and we start to believe the half truths.. And keep them going..
Writing it down.. hand to paper.. What happened with all the hard stuff.. and not have to share it with anyone.. sharing it with yourself..
Getting right with it.. crying when the injustice happens.. grieving what happened to you..
Feeling the actual pain that maybe you shoved back when it went down.. this is what I did.. I just took a pass on my emotions back then..

But I got triggers in me.. I got places where I know I am vulnerable.. and unable to cope..
Where I am reacting and not acting.. while I am ‘standing knee deep in the flow of life.”

A therapist told me once that I needed to go back to those times where I got deep emotions about.. and look at them from my adult eyes.. or my grown up.. or my I have sorted a lot so far eyes..
See the wrong that happened.. and see where your resentments are.. and see what part was yours.. so you are standing in the truth of it..

I think that is what twelve steps is about and the steps..
A map for the addict to get right with him self or her self..

Journaling.. writing it here.. that’s the path to me..

Jackie

[txrnr]

I say text him a simple "Happy Birthday". He knows you're thinking of him, and he knows you aren't trying to crowd him.

He's so young. My guess is he's trying to separate from the parents he knows, not add a new one. He's probably happy you're around, and he knows how to get in touch, but not necessarily willing to do so yet.

Heck, I'm 40, and I'm happy to have my bmoms info, but I've never used it. (only had it a few months). There's something comforting about knowing, but not having to make the decision yet. Maybe he's in the same boat.

Hang in there. He'll soon see how terrific you are.

[kune]

I'm with the above poster. To not acknowledge the birthday - a special day for both of you - leaves him wondering if you care. You know how deafening silence is and a text message or IM is all that is needed to let him know you are thinking of him.

The need to be needed (or lack of) is overwhelming sometimes. But there's comfort too in knowing you are special to others.

It's still early days joshsmom - he has a lot of growing up to do and I know you have the courage to keep this reunion "ticking along".

Ann

[keds]

Hi Kune! Agreed. My daughter sent me the quote below on one of my "low" days when I was thinking my bson had "forgotten" about me. I believe I read it on one of the posts recently as well as a signature, I think it was Diva. It didn't strike home at first but now I get it. I realized that it is important for ME to remember the special days, even if it goes unanswered. It's not just about me. All the best to everyone.

"to the world you are one person, but to one person you are the WORLD"

[quantum]

I would message him. One message can't be considered stalking! And you've been incredibly cautious since he did say you could call or whatever just not all the time!

Message him and then he'll KNOW you're thinking of him, but he shouldn't feel like you're intruding too much.

(((((j'smom)))))

(as far as telling him about your circumstances, I'd save that. Maybe sometime ask him what he'd been told? then you'd know what you're up against)

[Dickons]

Message him a birthday wish...he will want that.

I also hope that you to have a MySpace page. Something that will identify you to him, and that you are a birth mom in reunion - here whenever your son needs or wants to talk. If you don't want to be wide open it is amazing how much you can say in your profile questions or in a blog that would register only with your son.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[snuffie]

I agree with the others. Sending a Happy Birthday can't be considered stalking.
Also, just a thought. Sometimes age plays a part in a reunion. Well, I guess age is just a number. What I meant to say was maturity. He may not be ready for a relationship and all of the emotions that one entails at this point. But if you just keep in touch (a message every so often) he'll know that you care, are in it for the long run.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I know that you are trying to give him his space, especially after the heavy news, and waiting for him to sort of get the ball rolling again... but I think you can still do that and also acknowledge his birthday.

[thanksgivingmom]

I think you can totally send him a short, sweet, happy birthday.

As for the myspace thing - it could be a million things - from hackers overtaking the site recently (a lot of my friends have gotten hacked and closed accounts) to it all of a sudden not being cool in his group of friends.

Hang in there ((((hugs))))

[keds]

Hi there, FYI, my daughter had a myspace account and was victim of cyberbullying therefore we had to close out her account and she isn't in contact with anyone at the moment until we can sort it all out. Take care.

[Robinsmom]

My advice to you on the birthday wishes is to do what is best for you. Will it help you to send a text? If the answer is yes, then send it, if you are just doing it because you feel he expects it, then don't. I have found, through many years of being in and out of my birthdaughters life, that doing what is best for me, is about all you can hope for sometimes. There are no rules, and sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. So, if sending a text saying happy birthday is wrong, I couldn't even begin to tell you what is right. I have said in past post, who doesn't love to get birthday wishes. Just to know you are remembered is special, no matter what your relationship. Try not to over think everything, you may miss your chance. Sometimes I think we waste far to much time wondering what our birthchildren will think. Who worries about what we think or feel. Do what is right for you.
Colleen

[Robinsmom]

My advice to you on the birthday wishes is to do what is best for you. Will it help you to send a text? If the answer is yes, then send it, if you are just doing it because you feel he expects it, then don't. I have found, through many years of being in and out of my birthdaughters life, that doing what is best for me, is about all you can hope for sometimes. There are no rules, and sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. So, if sending a text saying happy birthday is wrong, I couldn't even begin to tell you what is right. I have said in past post, who doesn't love to get birthday wishes. Just to know you are remembered is special, no matter what your relationship. Try not to over think everything, you may miss your chance. Sometimes I think we waste far to much time wondering what our birthchildren will think. Who worries about what we think or feel. Do what is right for you.
Colleen