[kune]

sash
I feel for you. In your shoes I would feel like throwing a "hissy fit" but there is no point in that (apart from releasing pent up energy and emotions)

It was a strange invitation for the aparents to make just after initial contact. Did you have / or continue to have any one-on-one contact with your son through e-mail, snail-mail or a telephone call? AND...is it your bson who is having last-minute jitters, or the aparents?

I've been in reunion with my bson for 5 years - No, he's not a teen and he found me but we will took 6 months before we met face to face. We started with letters and progressed to e-mail, phone calls and texts. It sort of brushed the sharp edges off the actual face to face meeting. We had both made a mental picture of who we both were, and had some time to work out the details of what we each needed. Maybe the set-back could be a blessing for you. Maybe you and your bson could start corresponding and slowly, taking baby steps, get to know a little about the other. If he is 18, perhaps he needs to do this on his own without his parents because reunion is ultimately between the two of you with his aparents offering him support behind the scenes.

All hard - all emotional - and oh so hard to work out what is happening. The best advice I could give anyone going into a reunion is to not pre-guess what is happening. If you don't know for sure how they are feeling, it's time to ask them directly because what we fear in our thoughts is so much more terrifying than what is the actual reality. And those fears can cripple a reunion before it even starts.

I hope you can somehow make contact and ease your fears. I wish you well.

King regards - Ann

[agathaj]

Josh's mom I am glad you text the bday wish. I am in a similar situation with my bdaughter and I too feel that if I didn't send the bday or xmas card then I can hear the afamily and my bdaughter saying "She didn't even bother to send a card" but I also feel after I have sent the card and a gift that they could also be saying that I can't let go of the situation and move on....I feel ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't. I am always the bad guy no matter what. Sooooo....I send the card on the bday because I think - heck it's only a card. You sent a text on his bday - it's only a text! BTW I found my bdaughter's myspace page and I watched it for months then she totally stripped it of photos etc. But during the spying period I learned more about her and her friends and what they were doing, and I have noticed just this week that one of bdaughter's good friends has cancelled her Myspace account. This girl was right into it - on it daily. Why cancel it? Who knows - but it had nothing to do with me! So don't panic about the Myspace thing. I agree with Robinsmom - do think about yourself. If sending a bday text or telling bson the truth about what happened IS IMPORTANT TO YOU then do it. Or write it all down and send him the story of relinquishment and let it go. My bdaughter's bfather begged me to have an abortion and said I was ruining his life. Do I tell her this? Since we no longer talk, I don't have to tell her anything!

[keds]

agathaj - you're so right about the Myspace. My youngest daughter was being "bullied" so we took her page down. I know I always think "everything is about me" and "what have I done" but sometimes things happen for other reasons.

[agathaj]

Keds, Myspace is great, I have learned so much about my bdaughter through her friend's pages! I have found photos, comments etc. One girl has two myspace pages, one is totally dedicated to her boyfriend and the stuff they say to each other is so sloppy romantic dribble that it's hilarious - was I like that as a teenager I wonder? I think these networking sites such as myspace and facebook etc are wonderful for bmothers. We can watch and learn about bchild without pressuring them for information.

[Jestocost]

I was adopted as an infant and my birthmother found me when I was 20 years old. We met and talked fairly regularly for a while. Then I hit a rather rough spot emotionally. I became depressed and started dropping many of my relationships including the one with her. I bore her no ill will, and in fact wrote several letters I never sent. I moved around quite a bit at that time so she didn't really have any options to contact me. After I got treatment for my depression I was guilty and ashamed about ignoring her, which caused me to procrastinate even further about contacting her. I finally turned myself around to call and inform her that I was getting married and she was going to be a grandmother.

I never held anything against her, but sometimes, especially when you're a young adult, it's easier to run from pain or anything else that's serious. My advice would be to keep the lines of communication open. Send a little note every month or two. Don't chastise him for not answering, an unanswered letter is chastisement in itself. Just keep the tone light and friendly and try not to take it too personally if he stays silent. When he works through whatever is troubling him he'll want to come back on at least some level. Just try to make it as easy as possible for him to do so.

[keds]

Jestocost - great points!

[Jackiejdajda]

Jestocost

Thank you for sharing.. when I read a post from a woman that is not understanding the stopping of contact I am going to refer her to your post..

Wise wise words

Jackie

[full-of-regrets]

i have been in contact with my birthson for 3 years now. the best advice that i ever read, (out of many books that i read) was: first it is like a honeymoon, "you're great, i'm great, we're great"; then reality sets in, "you're not so great, i'm not so great, we're not so great"; then he subconsciously will reject you and make you feel like he has been feeling all of these years - REJECTED AND ABONDONED; but, the good news is, he will realize that he can not live without you and if the adopted parents don't accept your relationship, he will rebel against them to have it.

well, we went through the stages and got an A+. but it never will be easy. his loyalty, ultimately is to the adopted parents. yes, i wish that loyalty were to me. but it is what it is and we have just got to stay positive and confident. we have got to practice unconditional love and be there for them when they need us. go on about our daily lives, yes drop them cards in the mail no matter how much our feelings are hurt. for WE are the first mom - and will always have those maternal feelings for them, love then unconditionally and accept them for who they are - no matter what or who they have chosen to be.

good luck, i still get my feelings hurt and do "the should have would have dance".

[NanieB44]

I would not let his birthday pass without letting him know that you are thinking of your son on his special day. Just a simple voice message or text message saying that you are thinking of him as always, and wishing him a very happy and special birthday. Baby steps. Keep putting your thoughts and love out to him in a nonintrusive way, letting him know that you are there and care. It took me many, many babysteps in order for me to have the wonderful 20 year old reunion I now have with my daughter. Never crowd. Just risk a bit of your heart along the way. Prayers are with you!

NanieB

[keds]

To all, I've been there and, with other health issues aside, must say hang in there and answer messages promptly, make sure you recognize all holidays and, above all else be honest without "smothering". A unique term as I wish I could have "mothered" my bson but gave that up and now I find myself treating him as my "raised" kids which may be too much for him - as we "talk/e-mail" every day but his family, not so much. We'll figure out the in-between.

As others have said, I'm amazed out how many "pieces" my heart can let go and still be full of love and sustain me (lots of tears in the meantime). I feel it's a trust issue - I did "let" him go, in his mind, as others that were in my position well know, there was never any "letting". In any event, I am "restraining" myself in reunion as a little love can go a long way. No one could ever survive all that pent up emotion, even me!

Hang in there and, remember, you are creating a lifetime of memories from this point forward but his childhood has already been lived. I'm thankful that my bson has happy memories of same, no matter how hard that is for me to accept.

take care,

Kate