[Robinsmom]

My advice to you on the birthday wishes is to do what is best for you. Will it help you to send a text? If the answer is yes, then send it, if you are just doing it because you feel he expects it, then don't. I have found, through many years of being in and out of my birthdaughters life, that doing what is best for me, is about all you can hope for sometimes. There are no rules, and sometimes it feels like we are doing everything wrong. So, if sending a text saying happy birthday is wrong, I couldn't even begin to tell you what is right. I have said in past post, who doesn't love to get birthday wishes. Just to know you are remembered is special, no matter what your relationship. Try not to over think everything, you may miss your chance. Sometimes I think we waste far to much time wondering what our birthchildren will think. Who worries about what we think or feel. Do what is right for you.
Colleen

[RavenSong]

I agree with the other members here and say you should text him on his cell phone. Just tell him you're thinking of him on his special day, and wish him a happy birthday. At least he won't be able to claim that you ignored him on his birthday or that you don't care.

Reunion is so difficult at times. I reunited in 1990, when my son turned 18. At the time, a social worker tried to warn me that it would be harder than it would be if I waited until he was a bit older. I didn't listen, and she was probably right. At 18 years old, adolescents are trying to distance themselves from their parents, which is only natural. Throw in a birthparent or two, and now you have 2 sets of parents to distance yourself from!

I also had to go thru a LOT of teenage crud, including some heavy substance abuse on his part. His parents practically threw him at me, and said they didn't want to deal with him anymore. Anyway, he kind of did an age regression the first year or so into the reunion.

Have you ever watched a toddler walking down the street with his mom? He'll run ahead of her, just so far. just out of reach. Then he'll turn around to make sure you're still in sight. If he gets too far away from his mom, he'll usually sit down on the sidewalk and start crying.

Well, in a way, that's what kind of happens when you reunite with a teenager. They push you just far away enough so they can see your reaction. And then they run back to you, and start it all over again, lol!

You're still real early time-wise in your reunion. Don't worry -- a lot of what you're going thru sounds pretty normal to me. Send the text message....

[zxczxcasdasd]

What day this week is his bday? Thinking of you.

[josh1788smom]

His birthday was Sunday. I sent him a text - "Happy Birthday. Hope it rocked. Friends, E"

I don't know if he got it. Oh well. It is never easy.

Funny thing - by the time I got my kids to bed and sent it, it was the time he was born. Another cruel irony. Oh well!! Keep smiling!

Colleen - Thanks for your kind words. You've got it right - there is nobody that thinks about "me" in this. It seems to be about everybody else, from the b-dad deciding whatever he decided that screwed things up when he decided to commit suicide, to my parents, to his parents, to even him. I don't blame him. He is 19 - I remember it well. He is supposed to be self-centered - it's like a right of passage. Every time lately that I am at my parents' house lately, I find something about his family (In family adoption). When I was over there the other day, I saw his Grandma's (my aunts) e-mail address on a piece of paper along with his dad's home and work numbers. Normally, this would be normal, since we are all related. BUT - this is anything but normal. I know my mom plans on putting her 2 cents in with them. The thing that fries me is she likes to become victimized too. Oh well - still smiling!

[keds]

Josh's mom - Hang in there. I'm glad you sent the text. IMO it was the right thing to do. I'm not sure if you can check if a text is received (my carrier sends an immediate message that there was a transmission problem). I too am in a holding pattern waiting for the next move. I think Robinsmom has it right - "Try not to over think everything" - that's my problem! In other posts I've mentioned my issues with my mom - apparently "it's all about her". Funny, I seem to think it's all about my bson. My friend has a favourite saying - "it's not a smile but a lid on a scream". Take care.

[Robinsmom]

"it's not a smile but a lid on a scream".

I love that quote, it really says it all. I think I have spent a lot of my life living that quote.

Josh's mom,
Maybe it is better if you don't know if he got the message or not, that way, if he does not reply, you can tell yourself, he didn't get it. I know with my bdaughter, when I sent her an e-mail, she would seldom reply, and if the message didn't come back as undelivered, I would be sad for days. I think i would have been better off, if I had not known. If he responds, great, and I do hope for your sake that he does, but if he doesn't, please don't let it get to you too much. If I have learned anything through all this, it is that it never goes the way we want it to. It's a long drawn out waiting game. You did the right thing, you sent the birthday wish, you got to tell him happy birthday, that really is a lot. I know it may not seem like it, but I am sure there are still many of us out there who would love to be able to do just that. As far as the rest of your family goes, you are in a sticky situation, with everything so close to home and all. It must be awful for you sometimes. To know, and yet not know, my heart goes out to you. Just remember that they really can not understand the hurt and pain you feel, it is your hurt, and you have every right to feel it. It really is, all about you. Your son has had 18 years of life with a family, you have had the same amount of time without your son. I know how that is, and healing your heart is a much more important issue right now. Everything else can wait, just a little while longer. Let me know, if he replies, I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
Colleen

[foundmyson]

I can feel your grief to a point. I placed my son 19 years ago and he found me 3 weeks ago. Ive spent time with him 3 times, and speak to him a few times a week. But, I make all of the contact. Am I bugging him, do I stop? I don't want to intrude but I let go once...I cant do it again. I say, we do our part to make the relationship succeed. We do whatever contacting we feel we need to do so that if the relationship fails, it wont be for lack of us trying...we can have some peace about that.

[Jackiejdajda]

I placed my son 19 years ago and he found me 3 weeks ago.

Key here is he found you so he wants contact.. I waited till my bson wanted to contact me..

Ive spent time with him 3 times, and speak to him a few times a week. But, I make all of the contact. Am I bugging him, do I stop?

He may be going into some emotions that are difficult..
I say give him all the time he needs.. and maybe wait till he contacts you..
Give him space.. and give yourself time to digest all this..

I don't want to intrude but I let go once...I cant do it again.

Reunion is about patience.. Its about emotions that are going every which way..

I say, we do our part to make the relationship succeed. We do whatever contacting we feel we need to do so that if the relationship fails, it wont be for lack of us trying...we can have some peace about that.

And we got the rest of our lives to sort this..

Jackie

[josh1788smom]

I sent my son a message. Hoping to re-kindle the contact that dropped off suddenly 2 months ago after I had to tell him his b-dad committed suicide. This is all making me nuts. I hope I hear something from him. I would be ok with picking up where we left off. Why is this so difficult? It wasn't even my idea to place him. It was my parents. Why can't he be open to getting to know me? I didn't "give him up" which seemed to be something he was hung up on.

[SuddenlySusan]

Josh'sMom...

I just reunited with R this year, just before his 36th b-day. He said that during his teens and 20's, it was all about fun and friends... that he wouldn't have taken things seriously.

R told me that he is glad we found each other now, so that we can just get to know each other.

I know that your son's placement was not of your choosing, and this is so hard for you. But, we cannot force a rose to bloom ... it blooms in its own time.

Love,
Susan

[Robinsmom]

Josh'sMom,
Thats a big load to have dropped on you, and he may be just a little scared. Give him time, and don't give up hope. I too, did not want the adoption, but due to my age, the decision was taken away from me, so i know how you feel. My bdaughter also dropped out of sight for a while, but now is e-mailing me again. All of this can drive you crazy, but don't let it. Keep in mind that your bson is healing too, and might need a little help getting through this. Keep talking to him, if you can, tell him how you feel, but try to always keep in mind that these kids really don't respond well to hearing about our pain, they have had enough of their own. Try looking at it from that point when you do contact him. I hope it helps.
Colleen

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

I sent my son a message. Hoping to re-kindle the contact that dropped off suddenly 2 months ago after I had to tell him his b-dad committed suicide. This is all making me nuts. I hope I hear something from him. I would be ok with picking up where we left off. Why is this so difficult? It wasn't even my idea to place him. It was my parents. Why can't he be open to getting to know me? I didn't "give him up" which seemed to be something he was hung up on.

Josh'sMom...

It sounds to me like your son is processing his emotions about his birthfather committing suicide. He may not have shown it at the time, but I would bet your son was traumatized by it. Suicide can have terrible effects on the survivors. Even if your son never met his bdad, it is still affecting him. His dreams and fantasies about his bdad will never be fulfilled now, and he is dealing with that fact. Give him time ~ 2 months is hardly the "blink of an eye" in the timeline of reunion.

Although you, personally, were not the one who made the decision to relinquish, your son still views his relinquishment as ultimately your decision. In my experience, our children may intellectually understand the reasons we surrendered them. But in their hearts, they often feel abandoned, even if the logical reasons for giving them up were for their "own good".

I know you feel that you didn't "give him up", that your parents did. The cold, hard fact remains, however, that you are the one who signed the voluntary relinquishment papers. And your son knows that....

[kakuehl]

Josh's mom,

I know it's hard. Maintain a onesided contact that lets him know you're there. I'm reminded of a contact my mother maintained with her brother during the time he had removed himself from the family. She always managed to find where he was and continued to write to him even though she did not get an answer. Eventually, he was ready to come back to the family and he began by contacting her. Had she not maintained the connection despite the lack of response, my uncle could not have easily found his was back. (Her sisters spent most of their time judging him.)

D has told me that if I had found him at 18 or even 25, our reunion would not have been at smooth. I found him at what was a good time for him (almost 33, newly married with a new baby, a new house, a new job - talk about stress!), even so when his parents told him I had contacted them he expressed a great deal of anger stating that I had walked out of his life once, I needn't think I was just going to walk back in. He has never said that to me (his bdad told me, commenting that was the most the most emotion he had ever expressed about his adoption). When I asked him about his feelings about me and the adoption, he only commented that his mom had explained I could have chosen to have an abortion (not really easy in 1972...)

I guess all I can say is hang in there! I know it's incredibly difficult. He'll mature at his own pace and you can't really change that. Just make sure he knows you're there.

[shash]

Josh's Mom
I feel for you. I think reunion with teens is hard. In my situation, I contacted the aparents to just let them know I'd be open to contact in the future,Bson is 18. They responded back wanting to set up a meeting and now we have had two meetings scheduled and they have cancelled both within 24 hours of the meeting. It is hard to not sit and speculate as to why these kids react the way they day. I'm sure you too also feel that you'd like to be important in your bson's life. I know I do, but instead I feel disrespected and of no importance. I wish you peace of mind as it will likely all work out but we may have to wait until these young men mature a little and that is hard!

[RavenSong]

Shash, I am so sorry the a-parents have cancelled their visits with you both times. You must feel so badly about that! It sounds to me that maybe they are ambivalent about meeting you. They may just be super nervous. I know you're probably biting your tongue with them right now, afraid of offending them or angering them, afraid that if you speak up, your chance of reuniting with your son will be lessened.

I, too, was reunited with my son when he turned 18. When I first met him, I also met his a-parents, with whom I developed a cordial relationship. But we've always been a bit nervous with each other.

The first night I met his folks, they invited me over to come over to their house the following Sunday and see a home movie of DS taken when he was a toddler. I was soooo excited!! And then they abruptly changed their minds that Sunday, literally as I was leaving to go to their house. They said that the film was too old and that they were going to have it cleaned up by a videographer. Then I might be able to see it. They also said they had an audiotape that I could listen to of my son reciting his ABC's when he was a little boy. So I patiently waited...and waited...and waited. Now almost 18 years later, I still have never seen the home movies or heard the audiotape.

I don't know why they bothered to offer letting me see and listen to the tapes in the first place. I certainly wasn't the one to bring up the subject. If they weren't willing to share their visual and audio memories with me, why invite me all all?

Hang in there... Set up another meeting with your son's parents. And if they miss that one, keep making appointments with them. At least no one will be able to ever say that you didn't try. Good luck, hon. I'm rooting for you!