[quantum]

So it just seems like I'm stuck.
I've exchanged a few emails with my bson over the summer, but it's kind of like pulling teeth.
I saw him online a couple of weeks ago and we had a bit of a chat, but then I started getting paranoid that he was taking me to seriously (we both joke around a lot).
So I sent him an email making sure he got me right and he wrote back 'you know me better than that'. As in everything was ok.
But of course I get paranoid again! That me sending that email was making him feel like I'm super paranoid. Of course I am a bit!

I don't know. I'm sure this is all normal. Perhaps aggravated by our distance and lack of communication methods.

So I'm just trying to take it easy. Sending him light emails talking about our life, no heavy issues. Hoping as he gets older, we get closer.

Thanks for listening.

[wilted rose]

Quantum, I don't think you're stuck! Sounds like classic reunion stuff, especially when dealing with males. My experience as it was with my bbrother sixteen years my senior, it was slow and steady wins the race, you know? My advice would be to let him take the lead, as your bson and a man, I've found that to be successful. Although I remember my emotions getting the better of me, and I tried to talk about what we've missed etc. I think it made him uncomfortable so I let it be, and in due time, we had the chance to talk on a more deep level, I guess patience is the word of the day...
sincerely
Rose

[InBlindFaith]

((((Quantum)))) I just wanted to send you big hugs!!!

[keds]

Quantum, big (((hugs))) your way. It's interesting how you and I seem to react the same way. I "overthink" everything I say and do. I have yet to get my bson's e-mail, we use snail mail and call/text which I think is probably best as I obsess over every word. I too find that our contact is far apart, we live 5 hours apart, and yet looking back we've seen each other pretty much every 2 weeks since the beginning of July! Usually because I've lcalled and let him know I'm in town for work and he makes the time to see me. Patience is not something that I'm good at but I'm learning! I'll listen to Rose and let him take the lead but I HATE the wait! All the best.

[kakuehl]

Quantum, I forget how old your son is. D and I still talk mostly by IM. (after almost 2 years). We don't often talk about "emotions" although I'm more likely to tell him what I thinking/feeling. We both talk about what frustrates us at work, lol! As the others say, try to relax and keep it low key. I do understand the paranoia, though! Actually, one of the first things D did was tell me something he said was sarcasm. (I had assumed it was!) My reward has been that when I asked him to describe our relationship, he responded, "healthy." He then asked me my description; I said, "comfortable." I can live with comfortable (even if I am occasionally worried that I'm contacting him at a bad time...)

It sounds like you're doing just fine!

[quantum]

Thanks, it helps that there are many who feel we're doing just fine.
I guess I feel that way too on many levels, but that doesn't always make it easier!

My birthson is 22. I remember what 22 year old guys were like! So, no, I don't expect a lot of soul searching and so on. Plus I think he uses humor to cover emotion (like me, hmmm).

[keds]

Hi there, I have to agree with you about using humour to hide emotions - I am very sarcastic and use it constantly to keep things "light" as Kathy says. I took up running to deal with the downtime - I'm exhausted most nights now but my mind still wanders.... all the best.

[josh1788smom]

Quantum - sometimes I think you are in my head or in my reunion. (haha) On the Ugh! side - my bson is only 18 - so I guess I have at least 4 more years of this e-mail fun. (again haha). I guess this is just what we get with boys. God!! It is so frustrating - they are like this when you date them; they are like this when you try to reunite with them; do we do this to them??? It can't be! It's no wonder some women choose to be with only women.

[quantum]

Joshsmom, thanks for making me start my Monday morning with a laugh!

for all of us with young birthsons! or rather birthsons who are typical 'guys' kwim?

[susieloo]

Wow how many birthmothers are out there going thru these feelings Quantum. I don't know if its just boys?
I have just finished writing my bdaughter a letter to send with a small gift ( a local movie). She is over the other side of the world at the mo', but will see her this summer.
Emails etc have been pretty sparse of late ( 10 yrs reunion), I know her life is full on playing national sport and I have to keep telling myself...shes really busy!!!
We have never really examined too many emotions around the whole ' adoption thing', it's not really her way, even with amum. I have also been careful not to pass on too much of my 'stuff', coz thats what it is!! My stuff!
This is what I wrote:
1st paragraph ...just saying hi

Have been thinking about you heaps lately and wondering how it is all going.Hope you are staying fighting fit, well and most of all happy.

Always know I am here ( name). ALWAYS. Sometimes I get a little confused about my role in your life and try so hard not to overstep the mark.And sometimes iImiss you so much.

Nothing you could do or say could interfere with how i feel about my firstborn, whether or not I raised you doesnt even enter the equation for me.

Really what I am trying to say is never be hesitant in coming forward. Life chucks some hum dingers at us sometimes, and I want you to know there is always a place here for you to vent, to be, happy or sad!!!

I have been wanting to say this for ages, but as I said earlier sometimes I am afraid of overstepping the mark.

I say this with all my heart...no conditions.

There did it!!!!

( my name)

I haven't sent it yet.That was really hard to write...and going to be hard to post, but I will coz have been thinking about it for ages and ages and ages. Its all soooooo tricky!
susie

[quantum]

I like it. :-)
It's funny when I first started emailing my bson, I said I was afraid of 'overstepping boundaries'. He said he didn't think that was possible.
I guess I don't totally beleive him because he doesn't know what goes through my head!
But you seem to know what's going through my head there susie! I don't think there's anything wrong with sending that. It's from the heart!

[keds]

Hi Susie, great letter. Quantum, Josh's mom and I are having parallel reunions, I swear! My bson has been great but I get the feeling sometimes that I'm missing something. I don't know how he truly feels at times - he isn't quite comfortable in sharing his true emotions - I see flashes of it but I'm holding back and not pushing. I too sent a very similar letter to him right after we met for the first time and I think it's helped him tremendously to understand where I'm coming from and, possibly, allow him to trust me a little sooner. He always agrees to meet me when I call or write him but I find I'm always the one that makes the first move. Big life changes ahead for him - his parents are selling their home (so he has to move out), his girlfriend is moving into her own place so he has to decide whether or not to move in together or not. This is a huge change so I've told him that I will be hanging back a bit as I think he has enough on his plate to deal with without me pestering him, although I did say I would drop him a card every now and then to let him know I still care. Time will tell but I hope he, like you mentioned, calls me to vent or just talk. We enjoy our time together tremendously but I always feel it isn't long enough but I'm grateful for the time we have spent together. Crumbs from his table is the term my sister-in-law uses but I think that's unfair. I remember being young and I didn't spend much time at home with my parents and they raised me!

All the best

[quantum]

Originally Posted by keds

I remember being young and I didn't spend much time at home with my parents and they raised me!

All the best

I have to keep reminding myself about how much I communicate with my parents and how much I have at different times in my life as well!

[susieloo]

Was thinking the same thing today!
Although with technology the way it is today I think we have greater expectations. Communication was way expensive or snail mail when I was late teens early twenties.Still havent posted yet!

[kakuehl]

When I was in college (eons ago, LOL), my dad SENT me a box of change so I could call home! (In those days, all we had was a pay phone in the hall.) Do you know how much it costs to mail a box of change?? I guess it was still cheaper than collect!

It's funny. Often D and I communicate more often than S & J. That's mostly because we IM while he's at work! I don't call him much because I'm afraid I'll intrude and because I know he's busy. (When he's not at work he needs to spend time with his wife and kids. ) He doesn't often initiate the contacts. Of course I usually contact J as well (unless he wants something -LOL).

My mother used to say, the older your children are, the bigger their problems... As parents it's hard to balance our need for connection with their needs to be independent adults...

My only advice: love them unconditionally,and keep busy!