[keds]

Kathy, you are so right. I'm burying myself in work and keeping busy but the mind wanders. I've set a timetable for my next letter/call and I'm going to stick to it! We'll see if my bson calls first. Anyway, hang in there at work, I read the other post and I'm amazed at how people can complain about the most insignificant things but there's usually a hidden agenda. I hope everything works out - you're kindness and sage advise have helped me along so I hope they recognize those qualities and if need be, get you help with the newsletter!

As far as contact, I'm taking a different tack - I've spent a few moments looking back and realizing how much time I have spent with my bson and realize that he is sincere and the future is bright - even if I am impatient.

All the best.

[quantum]

I think you're doing well keds! :-)
It's funny, at first I thought I was jealous of everyone who's having an easier time- as far as communicating or even just as far as being closer so visits can happen more often, but now I've realised I'm more happy that good things are happening for people in reunion and it gives me hope that things can get better!

[keds]

Hi Quantum, I am amazed at how "alike" other's stories are and I find myself feeling both elated and a tad jealous when reading the posts. I think I'm programmed to see "the grass as always greener on the other side" and I'm working very hard to see how lush and beautiful it is now growing on my small little plot. I'm not saying that I'll ever get over being impatient but I am getting better! Although, I almost caved tonight and called him! Everyone is right we are now a generation of immediate gratification and I am guilty as I was cursing my computer today as I couldn't log on fast enough! All the best.

[quantum]

I caught bson online yesterday, got him to chat a bit.
Here's the thing, it was a fine chat! just light and what's going on kind of thing. Of course afterwards I have to analyse it and figure he can't stand having contact with me.
But that's stupid right? I mean he could have immediately gone offline and not said hey. Am I afraid of abandonment? Do I feel like I don't deserve any affection?
ACK! am I afraid he's going to find out what a loon I am and hate it?

Watch this space

[susieloo]

well posted the letter today!!! Should be there in a week or so! Aghhhhh!
Keep those thoughts positive girls.
Hard eh?
Maybe we could have a loon club!!!!!

[keds]

Congrats! I'll be thinking of you next week and hopefully you'll have a response by mid-September. When I received my bson's first letter I wrote mine the minute I finished and drove to the post office and sent it straight back. I'm sure he was surprised at the speed (I would have driven the 6 hours and put it in his mailbox but I didn't have the nerve!).

Quantum - I analyze everything! Voice messages, conversations, letters, etc. I'm trying not to be neurotic but I'm on pins and needles trying not to do the wrong thing. We're on a bit of a break in that he has some tough life decisions to make and I am giving him space - that doesn't help as I think I'm obsessing even more about him. How did I manage 25+ years before our first contact!! I've started a note for him but I'm not mailing it until the end of next week so he has a friendly note after the end of summer (I'm feeling sad already).

On a brighter note, it is Friday and I have lots to keep me busy this weekend. Everyone enjoy!

[kakuehl]

Hm. I have a colleague who's from Minnesota. She likes to drive us nuts with her loon calls. Maybe we should all get one and when we're feeling loony we could blow on the stupid thing to anno y (I mean alert..) those around us so that they are warned!

As I think about me relationship with D, I have tried to approach it as a journey of discovery. D is my son and yet I'm not his mother (as in the one who raised him). There is sadness in that, but there is also freedom. I'm free to get to know the person he is without the baggage of being the one who changed his diapers; disciplined him; fought with him as a teenager, etc. We can have an adult to adult relationship (without my mom's "When I'm 90 and your 70, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do.") That doesn't mean there isn't baggage! As we all know, adoption provides plenty! Like the rest of you, I tend to overthink the things I say. Sometimes I find myself checking with him to make sure we're on the same page. Mostly I just rejoice that he has welcomed my (and my family) into his life.

Suz - good thought and prayers coming your way!

[kune]

Ladies....like the loons bit!!! I don't think it makes any difference how long you have been in reunion.....we all still doubt ourselves.

I think these son's find it difficult to work out just where they belong. Somewhere in the middle I think. Belonging to both camps and part of neither.....maybe becoming their own person more than they ever have before.

Ann

[keds]

Hi Ann, I'm beng patient and not pestering him but my God the time does move slowly. I promised myself, not him that I would "allow" a month between letters. 2 weeks to go and I doubt I'll make it. I'll rationalize by saying it takes 4 days for the letter to arrive, and yet, I think, why not write whenever I feel like it? It's not like I expect reply, I want to say hi and how are you but at the same time not seem needy. My Lord it's like having a newborn baby - no owner's manual! All I want is for him to have peace and for me as well. I doubt I will ever have it but I will die trying to make it for him. Thanks for being there- bad day all round - friend's 60th and a death in the family. My God, we're all getting old and I just want to make peace with this before I'm done.

[susieloo]

well about aweek or so ago my daughter got a birthday card from my bdaughter. She had a new address on the back of the envelope! I wanted to scream! Where is my lovely letter going to end up, and in whose hands!
I emailed her and told her I posted something..( wanted it to be a suprise tho!) and that I had sent it to the old address. Still haven't heard back. I am a little worried. oh dear here I go!
Trouble is I'm dead scared the amum has said something to make her pull back. The amum is cross with me as I mentioned that I had called in to see her x husband. Oh a long story...full of hidden agendas I thinK.
Well back to check my inbox! Sigh!
susie

[keds]

Susie, I'm wondering when she moved and if she had her mail sent on to her new address? It's too bad you can't find out who is living at her old address and contact them and ask that they return the letter and/or send it on to her. I hope you hear back soon - I'm waiting and it's driving me and it's only been 3 weeks. Take care.

[susieloo]

She is a sensible girl and I am sure she will have her mail forwarded...but you know, just that element of doubt creeps in!!! Its driving me crazy tho!
There is a huge sports event in NZ at the end of the year and she is coming over with her team to play and is going to be staying here for a couple of months ( In NZ i mean). I have tickets for the whole shabang. Its a world cup event...NZ and Australia the favourites to win. Sooooooooooo exciting. Her amum and I will be sitting together as bdaughter bought the tickets online 4 us, so things are going to have to sort themselves out aren't they. Half of it is prob. my paranoia:: : : :
The games will be in Auckland...5 hours away so its going to a be a great break! Staying with my bro...and hoping bdaughter gets to meet him. She has only met two of my three lovely bros!!!!
nothing in inbox. Oh well

[susieloo]

hey people...thought it was time for an update on everyone. Hows all that communication going???????
I'm not in such a good space as still haven't had any contact from daughter! Aghhh. I know she has recieved the DVD I sent her as her amum wrote me a week or so ago and said how she had had all her friends around to watch it!!! I'm feeling nervous that her bdad has said something to put her off me. Her amum also mentioned in her letter that he had phoned and called in to meet her for the first time...and what a lovely man he was. AGHHHHHHHH. Remembering that it was me that made the break from him, and hurt him deeply.
Amums letter was quite sterile, but said all the right things so now I'm thinking maybe the bdad has said something!
So here is what I am thinking guys...I have always said nice things about the bdad as I am not one to go around badmouthing people...but I have omitted in telling them that during our courtship he came after me with a loaded gun in a jealous rage. ( Never found me thank god). This to me was one sign that I would never want to marry him...and now I'm thinking, " OK buster, if you are going to say anything to make her pull back, I am going to spill the beans"
Is this dumb of me to think this way? I am not tempted quite yet but if amum keeps gushing about him I will be soooooo tempted! Sometimes I just get sick of protecting others feelings all the time.
DONT know what to do or say.
At least now I know that she has got my letter...but I have only had one two word email all year ( commenting on some photos I sent through) and we used to in contact at least monthly.
I'm now wondering if I should sell my World Cup tickets and not go. I have too much pride to be somewhere I am not wanted. Or am I cutting my nose to spite my face. Ideas please my wise new friends!!!!! ::

[kakuehl]

USE THE WORLD CUP TICKETS!!! (Please excuse the shouting but I want to be emphatic!) I think I would be tempted to respond to amom's letter saying that I'm so glad that bdad has matured so well; that you found him "lovely" but that when you were dating him he had done some disturbing things (like looking for you with the shotgun in hand!) that led you to believe it would not be a good marriage! You could actually say what you said to us, that you have chosen not to share the negative because you don't believe in badmouthing people (and let it go at that).

The fact that your daughter showed her friends the dvd says to me that she is deeply interested. Help her to understand that she can have separate relationships with you and bdad without having to choose.

No one ever told us this would be easy!

[quantum]

What an excellent idea Kathy!

I don't remember how old your daughter is Susieloo, but my son has reassured me that he wouldn't hold anything my parents or his bdad said against me! I think people are capable of taking things with a grain of salt.

As far as communication goes for me...well my bson is super super busy in life right now. I bite the bullet every week to 10 days and write him emails. He's been really good about answering those directly! So that feels good to me. I don't feel like I'm intruding, but yet I know he's still there and interested.
I've also tried not to be so paranoid, I think it helps!