[josh1788smom]

I have been perusing thread after thread on here, and there seems to be a common denominator on the birthmother front. Many birthparents, in closed adoptions, seem to put their information out there and start gathering information prior to their relinquished child's 18th birthday.

It appears that many have "counted down" for lack of a better term for this (the 18th birthday) particular occassion. From my own experience, I know I did not want one day past his 18th birthday to go past without him knowing how deeply I cared for him.

As I am only in reunion with a son, I cannot speak for the girls as well as the boys, and I cannot speak so well for them. All along, it seems birthmothers are hoping, praying for this 18th birthday, but it seems this is not the end-all day. With boys, it seems like it can take double that. To me it just seems like more lost time.

I am so glad people have the availability of open-adoptions, if the parties desire. For those not in an open-adoption, I think it should have to be disclosed that you may loose a lot more precious time with this child than 18 years. Anyone who has followed my threads knows I am against my child's adoption; so this does little to foster a warm feeling about it for me.

In my opinion, it may be worse this time. Now, I feel like he is a victim of all this, so I have to be even more aware of his feelings and wait for him to be ready for me. What if he never truly is??????

[Anjilic]

I know it must be very difficult for you, but please don't give up.

I'm so saddened to read of the horrible way birth mothers have been treated over the years. I, myself, am not a birth mother - rather, I am an adult adoptee who had absolutely no knowledge of my adoption status until last December (at age 40).

It sickens me to think of the possibility that my birth mother has been waiting to hear from me since 1984 and thinks my lack of response is due to my not caring or wanting to have her in my life.

Things are not always as they seem - good luck to you.

Take care,
Jill

[josh1788smom]

WOW - 40 years of not knowing. I feel for both you and your bmom. Thanks for your words. I feel like giving up somedays. Sometimes it seems hard to not take the rejection personally, but you are right. I just don't know. Sometimes he reads and responds and sometimes, he doesn't even read my messages. I guess I thought we got somewhere. I guess the question is WHERE????? Oh well - it isn't any more or less painful than the last 18 years I guess.

[Aussie79]

I am also an adult adoptee and I have only felt ready to really search this year at the age of 27 (nearly 28). I have found both my birth parents and have sent a letter to my birth mum. I am truly hoping that she feels as you do and is waiting for me to return to her life. i think it's the greatest fear I have that my birth mother will not want to have any contact with me. I really feel that at 18 I would not have been ready to ride this rollercoaster. i know some people are, but just speaking for myself, I would have probably pulled back very quckly when the full force of the emotions involved hit me.
Just my humble opinion
good luck x x x

[josh1788smom]

Thanks Aussie - Good luck to you. I hope you hear back from them. There are more adoptees on here around your age than younger, I would guess. It seems like waiting until they are 18 is just another lie of adoption. Hopefully, I'll plod along until he is older and hopefully ready. Keep us posted.

[keds]

Hi everyone, I wish everyone success in their search. As a bmom I have waited 27 years and I am blessed that my bson decided to continue to look even after a bit of a screw up with agency. I have always regretted placing him and have wished for the day he contacted me. I understand that not everyone feels the way I do but I think the majority of us really want contact. I can't imagine 40 years of longing. It's sad that you didn't know. My heart goes out to you.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

I have been perusing thread after thread on here, and there seems to be a common denominator on the birthmother front. Many birthparents, in closed adoptions, seem to put their information out there and start gathering information prior to their relinquished child's 18th birthday.

It appears that many have "counted down" for lack of a better term for this (the 18th birthday) particular occassion. From my own experience, I know I did not want one day past his 18th birthday to go past without him knowing how deeply I cared for him.

As I am only in reunion with a son, I cannot speak for the girls as well as the boys, and I cannot speak so well for them. All along, it seems birthmothers are hoping, praying for this 18th birthday, but it seems this is not the end-all day. With boys, it seems like it can take double that. To me it just seems like more lost time.

I am so glad people have the availability of open-adoptions, if the parties desire. For those not in an open-adoption, I think it should have to be disclosed that you may loose a lot more precious time with this child than 18 years. Anyone who has followed my threads knows I am against my child's adoption; so this does little to foster a warm feeling about it for me.

In my opinion, it may be worse this time. Now, I feel like he is a victim of all this, so I have to be even more aware of his feelings and wait for him to be ready for me. What if he never truly is??????

My son was 33 when I found him. I didn't even know I could search. I remember watching Sally Jessy but somehow it didn't apply to me. Then over a year my walls protecting me from the pain of the past fell. The amount of emotions was overwelming. I had no idea how much I had held back for those 33 years. Having never cried after the day I let the hospital.

Then I started to search it took about 9 months all together to find him.


One of the first things he asked me was why didn't I search when he was 18, I told him I didn't know I could. And I didn't know he wanted me.

Our reunion is great. It has been 10 years now.

[josh1788smom]

That is great Scarlet. I look forward to 10 years into a great reunion.

Aussie - any update???? Keep us posted.

[longingtomeetyou]

im sry for you having to wait joshsmom....i hope you have a reunion sooner than that
from what ive read seems that boys dont look as fast as girls do.....

i sure hope i dont have to wait 30 yrs ....but if i do i do ....


the one thing ive been thinking of is the man who she might marry......
and then grandbabies.....

i would really like to be apart of her raising her kids.....that would be so special .....but a GRANDMA?? whew i dont know kidding of course...

i loveeeeeeee babies and cant wait for grandbabies.....

i knew a lady who had 9 children and her oldest had a baby at the same time the mom did....it was kinda neat to see the bond each had .....mom was about 40 daughter would of been around 20....

but we can pray and hope that God will reunite us when the timing is right....

[keds]

scarlet, i can relate - i was sitting on the couch the other night, 10 months into exchanging letters every month or so and it hit me - sobbing and gasping for air as I FINALLY realized what I had done. I first looked when he was 18 but didn't want to push. I found out when he was 3 who is aparents were but knew I had given up the right to contact him so waited, not patiently. 23 years later he came looking. It's been such a waste of emotion. I never knew about open adoption but I am all for it, anything that can stop the "wondering". I'm not sure if it is the answer for everyone but it sure would have made all the difference for me. It's amazing the coping techniques the brain can come up with but when it lets loose, boy what a shock!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by keds

scarlet, i can relate - i was sitting on the couch the other night, 10 months into exchanging letters every month or so and it hit me - sobbing and gasping for air as I FINALLY realized what I had done. I first looked when he was 18 but didn't want to push. I found out when he was 3 who is aparents were but knew I had given up the right to contact him so waited, not patiently. 23 years later he came looking. It's been such a waste of emotion. I never knew about open adoption but I am all for it, anything that can stop the "wondering". I'm not sure if it is the answer for everyone but it sure would have made all the difference for me. It's amazing the coping techniques the brain can come up with but when it lets loose, boy what a shock!

It falls in the catagory of the "things they don't tell you" department..

Just go home, go on with your life, you'll forget, all the BS stuff..

No one tells you that you will hurt a little forever, or a lot if you never dealt with the issues.

Or that with a little help you will be able to do it.. or sometimes they do tell you..

But they never really tell you how much you will miss your baby, and all that goes with it..

Hugs

[josh1788smom]

I truly wish my parents, and likely a lot of other birthmoms parents, would read these posts. The people that thought it would be something you would just "get over" should have to know that it is not something you "get over". Aparents should be told the same too. I think a social worker worth her salt would say, "look it is great you are getting to complete your family, but you do realize that is because someone is giving birth to a baby that will be placed with you. It is not realistic to think this woman will entirely be able to cut ties with this baby".

[Aussie79]

Hi Josh1788smom, yes alot has happened since this post. Have a look on the making contact and communicating forum page, my post is called "draft letter to my bmum" the whole story is there and keps getting more involed everyday!!

[keds]

Scarlet,

You are so right! I just told my 18 year old about her older brother and she was thrilled! I had been dreading the conversation thinking she would think less of me but it was such a relief. As a result, I spoke with my mom today and told her that, unlike what everyone says, I have NEVER gotten over it and have to work through all the emotions and feelings I bottled up 27 years ago. She said I "handled it so well" back then that nobody thought anything of it and I was such a "strong" person. If anyone out there is keeping it inside, don't.

Congrats Aussie79.