[josh1788smom]

Ok - first great meeting with bson. We talked for a couple hours. It was great. I know aparents did not respond well to this. He has great loyalty to them. I write nice letter to amom, trying to ease some of this for him. Nothing. It has been 3 1/2 months since I have talked to son and 8 weeks since amom got letter. Am I just supposed to forget he exists??? They told me to do that 18 years ago. I could not do it then, and I cannot do it now. So, what do I do?

[InBlindFaith]

((((Joshsmom))))

You can join us in the floor pacing marathons and wall climbing tournaments we have going on. I know it's not much but it seems to hel a little while we are trying to figure out what to do!!

Big HUGS!!!!

[kakuehl]

I know you wrote her a letter; have you tried to contact your bson? D was 32 when our reunion began. He has told me it would not have gone as well if I'd found him when he was 18. He had a lot of anger at that point (according to both him and his adad). Just try to keep the door open - send him a card or email occasionally and try to be patient. (I know - it's hard.)

[josh1788smom]

I have popped him 2 e-mails since we met. I think the funk I am in this week is because he has not read the last one I sent. And I purposely waited until after the holidays so as to not intrude, but I am afraid, he is thinking, why didn't she e-mail or call or send me a gift or something at Christmas.

My e-mails are basic and cheery - nothing deep at all. I say stuff like "hi - hope things are going well and you and your family had a nice holiday." They are usually a line or so. Nothing looking to get together or anything like that. And I kept my word to him, I have not told anyone (except you guys and a few close people) that we talked. I have talked to his Grandma, aunt, cousin, and didn't mention a word. I don't know if his not reading the e-mail signals me to never send another one, or if I should keep sending the light, cheery ones every so often because he will feel like I abandoned him again. You can read so many conflicting opinions on here.

I'm joining the climbing the walls olympics - Thanks Roni.

Also- I guess I should just abandon the idea of contact with the amom. My husband says they have been running for 18 years, why do I think they will stop now. He doubts I will ever hear from her. I don't want to be a stalker, but I do think she is behaving very differently than proper.

[bumblebeeskies]

Honestly, when I found my bmom 7 years ago, I didn't want my amom to have anything to do with it. I felt like she was "mine", and that my amom had no reason to be involved. I wasn't much older than your son-I was almost 22. As far as not getting him a gift for Christmas, there comes a point where if he is not returning your emails, responding to your letters, reciprocating in some way, then you shouldn't feel obligated. My reunion turned out to be a bust, and I was stupid and sent my bmom $50 that first Christmas. I was in school, and working two jobs; I didn't really have an extra $50, but I did without other stuff. She actually wanted to send it back to me. Thank God though, that I had gotten a money order, instead of writing her a check-I knew that she could just toss the check, but who in their right mind would toss a money order? I told her I didn't want it. My birthday was only a month and a half after we met. She kept asking me if I got the card she sent me. We live in the same county-the mail takes a day. Finally, after my bday had been over for a couple days, I came to the conclusion, that she probably had never sent one.

I recently connected with a half-brother. He was receptive to it all, but I think she got to him with guilt. He stopped answering emails-Even a really important one, about a genetic health issue. His birthday was three weeks ago. I emailed him one last time. I told him, that I'd like to send him something and a card, and asked was there anything in particular that he wanted. He never answered, so I didn't send anything.

The reality of all of this, is that we can't sit around and wait for whatever crumbs, we happen to get. However, of course, I often still do.

When you know in your heart, that it's something you really want or need. You have to have hope. Even just a little, because if you have no hope, you have nothing. I don't consider myself, as sitting here, waiting patiently. I am not patient, but i also can't hurry another person up. I figure, that I'm just living day to day, getting by.

[Shadows]

Josh1788smom and Bumblebeeskies:
First of all, a hug to both of you. It can be pretty devastating to put yourself out there, willing to engage in a relationship when the other party does not appear to be willing to meet you half way. I am in the same boat as a birthmom. I, too, feel like some crazy cyber-stalker, sending emails which are not acknowledged. It really sucks. However, from reading various forums on this site, it appears that patience may pay off. Not always but it appears worth the risk. So, hang in there (even tho it really really hurts) and do not take this as a reflection on your own value. If someone does not wish to engage in a relationship - for whatever reasons - that is because of a difficulty they have, not you. It doesn't hurt any less but it is important not to have your own self esteem take a kicking.

[kakuehl]

I think that Shadows makes a very important point. When the other person (bmom or other family member or adoptee) pushes you away or doesn't want contact it's about them not you. Frankly, my reunion has been very positive, but it's still brought "issues" to the surface that I hadn't thought about for years or that I thought were dealt with or that I'd never thought about. That's certainly not D's fault!! If I were to pull back (and I have no intention of doing so!), it would be my inability to deal with my own "stuff".

I have an uncle who is a recovering alcoholic. For many years we was estranged from the family. During that period of time, my mother always managed to keep track of where he was (the only one in the family do do so). She wrote to him regularly if though I don't think he answered. (This was snail mail, of course.) She never hesitated to tell him what she thought of his behavior or to tell him what she thought he SHOULD be doing. (I don't recommend that!) When Uncle B was ready to come back (his timing, note), it was my mother he contacted first and most often (unlike his 3 other sisters who simply complained about what he didn;t do.)

I guess what I'm saying, is don't give up. Make sure your bparent/daughter always knows how to contact you... And try NOT to beat yourself up.

[keds]

I have to agree with Kathy. I am waiting for a reply from my bson. I made the mistake of telling his "full" sister (i.e. I eventually married his dad) about him a week before mother's day - I was feeling blue - and she wrote him a letter. So far, no response, I know he's busy and probably overwhelmed but she is feeling a little rejected. I pray that he writes her back, not me, just so she doesn't feel it's "her fault". At the same time, I have told her it is so difficult for him as he has gone through so much in his life and hasn't had the benefit of knowing her for the person that she is, but at the same time. it's so hard. I'm tempted to write him and ask that he just write a line or two back to her but I don't want to pressure him. What to do? It is so hard for everyone! When I think all anyone really wants is to be loved and acknowledged. I wish you all peace and all you wish comes true.

[josh1788smom]

Keds - I do hope your son writes his sister. That is the hardest part of all this. My 10 year old son keeps asking me to adopt a 10 year old boy for him to have as a brother (he has 2 younger sisters). I just want to scream - you have an older brother.

Now that I am a parent, I am more irritated that my children have been robbed of knowing a sibling. I just hope he has room in his life for all of us before my kids feel like they missed him their whole lives.

[keds]

josh'smom,

Hi there, sorry for the late reply, I lost track of this thread. I'm not very compute literate (I still don't know how to post very well and don't know anything about "chat" etc. I do know EXACTLY how you feel. Over the last 18 years there have been so many times I could have, no should have, told "my girls". But why did I keep quiet? I did get a call from my bson yesterday and he asked if he should write my oldest daughter back and I said yes, write/call. They may end up with the relationship that I dream of and that would be just great! He wants to meet next weekend (I wish I could lose 20 lbs!) and I'm so very nervous. I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing! More importantly, have you heard back from your son or his amom? It was 3 months since mine last wrote and then bam! the first call. Thinking of you and everyone else who are on pins and needels.

[josh1788smom]

I have heard nothing. In a way it is starting to tick me off. I am related to these people. My friends are right, I would be treated better by strangers. I wrote the amom 7 months ago. If I do say so myself, it was a very nice letter. I even showed it to an amom on here, and she agreed. I just don't get it.

On Saturday, my mom sent a 3 page e-mail to my dad's aunt (she is the adoptive grandma). Here are my meddling parents again. My dad said my mom just needed to say a few things. To which I replied, "oh that's right because it is all about you and mom." I hope there is no backlash from this letter.

Oh well - new day - new set of issues.

[keds]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel I made a mistake telling my mom that I had heard from my bson as she calls all the time now and wants to know what's going on. I only shared his picture because she's older and not very well. I guess we can't control what they say and do but we do have to live with the consequences. I know from experience that relatives do treat you worse - they know they can get away with it! Now, I'm being told it was all my idea to place my bson for adoption - NOT! I guess we always will be left holding the bag. I'm pulling for you - maybe her e-mail will get "some" response. take care and let me know.