[josh1788smom]

Yes. I said it. I am mad at God. My son has been 18 for a month or so. I made initial contact with him and thought things went pretty well. I thought we were on the way to a new relationship. I knew we would take things slowly, and we may still be. I am just mad at God today. I know my son was a little surprised to see me and hear my story (I did not tell him the story below, just that it was not my wish for him to be adopted). See he has always thought he came from an agency because I was too young. That is not the case for him. Although I did not undermine or say anything about his aparents, I would imagine I was a bit of a shocker to him. In my logical mind, I don't think it has been enough time for an 18 year old to digest a birthmom in his life. I don't want to sound all doomy and gloomy, but I feel as though these are just more days that he has been robbed from me.

See I was 17 when my son was born. My boyfriend (of 3 years) and his mother were not at all into this. Although I think the mother more than the son. Anyhow, my parents thought it would be great for me to go live 1500 miles away with an aunt who had been through this before. (placing a child). I got stuck in Oklahoma. After a week or two I asked my parents if I could come home. I wanted to parent my child. I did not want him given to someone that far away. Reading all the placement info made me ill. My dad said no. I called another aunt. She sent me money so I could buy a plane ticket and go home. I went home to parents not so happy. My parents did everything they could during my pregnancy to show their lack of support. I had no lamaze, no epidural screening, heck, I had no maternity clothes. So, I have this baby.

I go into labor - sort of. My water breaks one Friday night. My friend and I were watching movies - only my dad was home. I told my dad my water broke. He says, that doesn't matter, it's only when you have contractions that you are in labor. Sometime later, my mom comes home. I am in labor NOW. I get to the hospital at 10. My son was born at 10:33 - beat the doctor. Nice huh!! No epidural. OK - so during all this - my dad is spending his time making sure they don't list the birth announcement in the paper because "I was placing this child". So, they didn't even bring my son to me. SO I ASKED!!!! I kept him with me, and told my parents I was taking him home. I called the people who eventually became the aparents and told them he was born, and I was taking him home. I told them I would call them later. They wanted to come take him right then.

I took him home. Not an incredible amount of support. I could go on about that but it would go really long. I did call my dad's Cousins who would become aparents and tell them I was keeping my son - asked them to be Godparents - they said no. It would be too painful to see my child as they wanted him. Fast forward - My mom would complain that I had not bathed him. I was neglecting his needs. Meanwhile, I could only bathe him when someone was home because I did not have anything for a baby. So I would take him in the tub, keep him on my knees in the tub whille I did this with a swimming suit on so someone could come get him. Anyhow, stuff like this went on and on. My boyfriends mom sent him to Colorado to live with a friend because she did not like it when he was around me and our son. Nice huh! So anyhow, sleep deprived and feeling like a hormonal failure, I moped around for a few days. My dad said I could not care for this child and forced me to call his infertile cousin to come get him. The wife said "are you sure?" I am balling my eyes out. She said, "let me talk to your mom". Boom - Godspeed they are at my house. I kept my son in my room. I would not come out. My dad said - "if you do not bring him down, I will take him down, you are ruining what should be the happiest day of their life (November 20, 1988 - son 5 weeks 2 days old). I realized I would not win this. I vowed to him, I would get him back as soon as I turned 18 (1 month away). I took him to them - they took pictures and flew out the door. Like I want their (*&^%$ pictures.

Immediately after the holidays, I called the perspective amom. She said I needed to talk to perspective adad. I called him - he got all hostile. I called their atty (only legal to this point). He said I needed an atty - he could not rep us both. I called my dad - he said call my corporate atty. I did. Long story short - went to court 8 months later to contest their adoption. I lost.

I have waited to meet this child for 18 years. I met him. Now his mom can't deal with it. What about what I could not deal with??? She coveted my child. That is one of the big 10 in my book. But she will just say a rosary or two and it's all good. Meanwhile, they have my child, and I have little interest to have anything to do with my parents. Right now I just am mad at God. I feel like I was used to be a pawn for this barren woman. I could use some good advice.

Thanks for reading this incredibly long post. It's been therapeutic.

[InBlindFaith]

Big hugs to you sweetie!! I am so sorry you had to go through this alone. Please find comfort in knowing you are not alone now. I'll hold your hand through this and I'll bring the kleenexes.

[browneyes0707]

Josh's Mom:

All I can say is we are here for you!!!

[StacyKelly2]

I cannot imagine how this has been on you. As a hopeful adoptive mom I look to these boards to find out how a birth mom feels. Ours is a contested adoption by the birth father. The birth mom and I have always gotten along from day one and still do to this day. I feel in our situation the importance was being able to respect one another's wishes and concerns. I saw first hand the courage and extreme love she had when choosing adoption for her baby. I can not ever forget what she went through to give her baby the greatest gift life. For us, the birth mom is a special part in our hearts if not for her, we would never know how it feels to hear the words "mommy and daddy". She has blessed us so very much!! Its of great importance that a child grow up with knowledge of his/her biological parents and the love they will always have in their hearts. I just try so hard to understand what it must be like, and reading some of these post give me some of the insight I need. I think too many times the adoptive parents are scared of the adopted child to know the truth-about adoption. Especially years ago. I hope you and your son can spend some quality time together and he realizes you love him with all your heart. Praying to God might help you find the strength to cope with how you feel.

[josh1788smom]

Thanks for all your kind words. Sometimes I reach out on here because it gives me a positive interaction with adoptive moms. See I don't think I will ever have that opportunity because my son's adoptive mother knows she was always working against my wishes. I even swallowed my pride and asked the adad if we could all talk to son together. He said no because it would be too hard on his wife. Am I missing something? Again - thanks.

[Lisasue]

Josh1788smom:

You seem very upset and angry in your vent. I am not religous enough to say I blame god for my anger and pain, and I have aimed blame at everyone but myself in the past, that is not say, i am over being dissapointed with my family, just to say i am not angry anymore. Some things can not be healed. I realize you are purging, and I hope that story helped you release some of that tension. I hope you read it back, and look into where you could have changed some of the out come. Sometimes we can find the answers in our own words on how to heal ourselves. Myself I discovered that no one told me to have sex with my boyfriend, and no one could have prepared my family, friends or myself for the reactions we would all take. We (bmoms)played a huge part in the family dynamics of our adoption stories, and we need to take responsibitie for those parts.

In saying that Be very careful with your emotions, that you dont wind up doing something you will truly regret. You have to keep in mind, that you chose to invite yourself into his life at 18. He is young, he is spreading his 18 year old wings, and telling him it was not your choice when he has been raised to believe different is probably really messing him up right now. Remember what it was like to be 18 yourself. When I was 18 I was dealing with morning the loss of my son too, (yes I am a birthmom).But I was also spreading my wings, wanting to leave my parents home, and become my own person.

I placed my son when i was 17 and like you it was not my choice. My parents made me give him up. Unlike you, my son located me. It was great for the first 6months, but know he has taken a few steps back, and had to digest everything. In my case there was also alot of untruths told as well, and he has had to deal with them as they come. I have been advised to let him process information. Give him time. My son is now 20 and found me a year ago.

In saying this I also have to remember that he is young, has a life, with his friends and is committed to the goals he started before he met me. We cannot as birth parents just decide these kids need to drop everything because we need our feelings and issues met. It was not and is not there fault they were born, and also remember they didnt choose us to have them nor did they choose to be placed. Give your son some time to process what you have told him and what he has known all his life. You owe it to him, no matter what the reason you placed him years ago.

Venting here is good so you can get support, but what ever you do, dont loose it, and send messages to him, or his family. You might make the situation much worse for you.

I come across possibly as harsh, but I assure you as one bmom to the other I am just concerned at what I read. I made the mistake of writing my anxieties in an email to my son, and he was not happy, he also told me he had become very overwhelmed with the extended families and needed to concentrate on himself for awhile. Not much to ask, and I feel bad that I dumped my issues of validation on to him.

Just another thought!
Lisasue

[dmca]

How terrible for you! How painful all that must be and the memories must still be painful.
It does appear to me that God had little to do with all this . Instead, it appears that your family had the major role, not God.
Two things, honey, I wish you would consider.
First , an eighteen year old is seldom mature enough to reunite. It could take time for your child to want to establish a good relationship with you. It's not your fault and not the fault of the child. This just happens, a lot.
Second, I bless the mother of my daughter daily. She could not have another child and took my daughter into her heart and life forever. She was/is an excellent mother that gave her everything I couldn't.
Yes, she WANTED a baby. THANK GOD!! And through the grace of God my daughter became hers.
I should mention her husband ( father of my daughter) and her brother are held in the HIGHEST regard I can give them. If not for them, two people , one a small helpless infant would be on the streets with nothing at all.
You are very entitled to your anger honey and to release it is healthy. When you get over your anger, I hope you will be patient in this process , for yourself, the child and the parents of the child.
Big hugs dmca

[josh1788smom]

LisaSue - I am not waging a pity party for myself. I like to come here and vent because it helps to get some of the thoughts and feelings out. That being said - I realize this is the internet and I would not be ashamed to have aparents read what I write. It's the truth. I have had it forced down my throat for years that this was "God's will" - that everything happens in "God's time" and for "God's way". Having that thrust my direction for soooo long gives me days that I am just plain mad at God. Don't get me wrong - this is not my crutch. I am a VERY productive member of society. I run my dad's company, I have a great husband and three little children, and I spend a good deal of time on boards and volunteering to make my community a better place. But there are still some days that it irks me to see all the help people give and get - yet for some reason, that was not available to me when I needed it.

I do appreciate the thoughts of everyone that comes here. It is great to see different points of view. Thanks for all the caring thoughts.

[InBlindFaith]

I'm sending you more hugs Josh's Mom

How are you holding up today??

[josh1788smom]

Pretty good today!!! Thanks!

[Lisasue]

Joshsmom

Kudo's, I am glad that you are just venting things out. I am not accusing you of a pity party, just saying that in all our (triads) stories and lives sometimes we need to look at the person in the mirror, and ask what is really making us upset.

I kinda figured that my words might sting a bit, which I did indicated in the last few lines. But if you read again I wrote to you out of my own experience, which I thought was why we wrote to these threads, with the expectations that we would get some feed back. If not, maybe you could have wrote that too. I have had my threads questioned and examined, and I have also been given alot of advise. I kinda expect that if I invite people into my thoughts.

Sorry that I upset you, take care, and have a great day!!

Lisasue

[josh1788smom]

LisaSue - I value your thoughts. I vent here because I can, and I get feedback from all sorts of people that helps me sort through these feellings. One thing I have discovered on here, and I think it is true, is the 17-18 year old inside us needs to heal too.

I don't blame God that I got pregnant. I was with my boyfriend for a long time and would have (at that time) loved to have stayed together and raise our son. Now, I am thankful I did not (stay with him that is). My feelings come from having it thrust down my throat that it was "God's will" - and would all happen "in God's time". Like I was a surrogate for these people who could not have a child and since I could have others, I should just forget and move on with my life. I actually had a family member say that to me, "you can have other children, why do you need to know him?"

It is also frustrating when a "proper couple" - by society's standards, have a child, there are showers - gifts, etc. All kinds of things are done to help these people with their new child. Heck, my brother and his wife have a 5 week old, and I don't think they'll have to buy diapers until January. When I've had my other 3 kids, I've been showered with kindnesses - because I am married to their dad. It's societal bull.

I think it's having other children that make this harder. Now, not only have I been deprived of knowing my son, but my kids have been deprived of their brother. Nobody messes with my kids. That puts a little more emotion into this mess.

I love when people share their life experiences. It is nice to know we are not alone (although if you'd have asked my parents 18 years ago, I was the only person this ever happened to - ever and it needed to be swept under the rug - quick). Also, I find a lot of value and inspiration from the stories of others.

Maybe it was all the travel I did last week or something, because I am feeling much better about things this week. Saturday, I must have just been in a place. But, I do still want to talk to my pastor about the whole "thou shalt not covet".

Have a good day!

[Lisasue]

Joshs1788mom

(((((((HUGS)))))))) its a hard road for all bmoms. I know my inner 18 year old has taken a beating too in the past year!!

Goodluck with your son, a little time, I think he will be curious to know you!

Take care , Lisasue

[josh1788smom]

Thanks - I hope you are right. Isn't it weird. I don't have any other relationship I put this much thought and worry into. Thank God my marriage is not this hard (haha). Have a great day.

[StacyKelly2]

After reading your post and this statement I just could not believe it!!
I actually had a family member say that to me, "you can have other children, why do you need to know him?"
Just because your child was given up for adoption never means you did not love him or did not care!! That is just plain heartless... That is your biological son and nobody can ever take that away from you!
It just saddens me to know that the adoptive parents in your case seem to not take your feelings into consideration at all!! You gave them the greatest blessing, and they need to give you the respect you so much deserve. I can only imagine how hard it is on any birth mom to chose adoption. Seeing for myself what our little angel's birth mom went through my heart went out to her and always will. Its so important that an adoptive child know his biological parents love him/her very much. I would never hide the fact a child is adopted...A child has a right to know of his/her biological parents. - I guess in our situation the birth mom and I got along so well because first and foremost we respected one another. She knows my feelings and love for our angel...and I know her love for her baby...The birth mom tells us she is at such peace. And that makes us so happy. If this adoption is finalized our little angel will always know of his birth mom and birth dad. For us, that is of the utmost importance. He will know the love and sacrifice his birth mom went through to give him life and an adoption plan....I wish you all the best!!