[josh1788smom]

Amoms like you are part of the reason I come here. Even though I did not pick this path, as I would have loved to keep him and raise him myself; I would love to have an amom to be friends with; to call and say, "how is our boy doing?". I would love to be able to talk to her when he is not ready to talk to me. My son told me he found out he was adopted when he was 8. He said there was a tv show on, while he and his mom were at a friend's house, the kid on it was adopted. He said he was kind of "making fun" of the kid for being adopted. His mom took him home and sat him down and said "you are adopted". Nice huh!!!! My whole situation screams "Montel". These people did not go through HALF of what you aparents go through. I have friends that are aparents. It has been a process for them. They have had to disclose all kinds of information about their personal life, etc.

It's no wonder they never adopted again, it would have brought down their little a. circle of lies and b. they would have not believed the amount of work they had to go through.

[Lynard1210]

Joshmom,

I was sad to read your post, but I think it's great that you were able to get out your sadness and frustrations. I do agree that many people in our society give support to only those who "play by society's rules". Women who get pregnant without being married really don't get the full consideration they need in this time of crisis, especially when the main concern is trying to save face, instead of giving support. I am in the opposite position as you. My stepdaughter became pregnant when 17 and my husband (her dad) and I adopted her baby. I note that yours also is a relative adoption which makes this situation even more complicated. Although I think it is great that families want to keep the child within kin, the diservice is when they cut out the original parents. Why couldn't your cousin and her husband have been open to you and the birthfather? Why so threatened? My guess is her inability to conceive made her feel "less than" you. Possibly, she didn't want to be constantly reminded that her child was related to you and not her. I can only speculate, but as an adoptee and I see that with my own mother. Please know that although you have responsibility in the choices, you clearly did not receive the support you needed in order to make the best decision for you. You have every right to be angry.

With that said, I am concerned that you told your son that it was not "your choice" to give him up. That sounds like a lot of pressure for an 18 yr old. It was not his choice either. My concern is focusing on how you were victimized (and clearly you were to some extent) is not going to build a bond with your son. It will just cement the loyalty to his a-parents. If he thinks that you are implying that they didn't something wrong in order to adopt him, you will become the enemy. 18 yr olds don't generally have the psychic strength to process the multitude of reunion emotions. I am 40 and am having a hard time dealing with my own reunion. You will have to walk in his shoes for here on out if you want this to go well. If you show him that you have gratitude toward his parents for raising you, he will likely warm up to you. Obviously, you have a lot of anger at them, rightfully so, but you will have to use these boards and/or friends for that anger and try and keep your relationship positive with your son. You have a lifetime to work this out . . so don't give up.

Hugs to you!

[josh1788smom]

Lynard - Thanks for your support. That actually is what I am trying to do. I called my dad's cousin and e-mailed him twice. I have not told my son anything except, in the letter I wrote him, I wrote "How did you come about to be adopted by_ and _. Well, when my grandma found out I was pregnant she called her nephew and his wife who were having problems conceiving and were seeing a fertility specialist, who happened to be my OB. She also told my parents, who had me meet with your parents. They all thought this was a great idea. I wish that I, at the time, had had the courage to tell them all to leave me alone to raise my son, but I did not have it at that time. I did gain it, and find myself to be a strong person, but I got that too late."

I don't know if that was the right thing to write, but I did and he already has the letter, so I cannot change it. I told him I had recently talked to his dad and one of his cousins and aunts. He said, "you are ok with them." I told him yes, and that his Grandma and I had been out to Arizona together the summer before. He said, "you are ok with her." I know why he values his family, heck they are my family. When I was a kid - I loved hanging out with them, but that was before
they dogged me. Now, I don't get invited to much on that side. When my Grandma died (the same Grandma that is the reason they are parents today), they did not even go to the private memorial their mom had for her (so that none of us would know about it and go).

It's been very apparent that he is loyal to his amom. I also don't think he is ready for too much right now. Although that stings a great bit, like you said, it was not his choice either, so I must respect his terms. I do so want to know him though. I have not told my children because I don't want them to constantly question about getting to see him. I would just like to be in real reunion, so I can stop living this life of half-truth.

[droptheapple]

Hi Joshmom
I know how you feel in a way. I thought to myself the other day, wouldn`t it be nice if my sister and I could get to know each other ( she adopted my son). It would be nice to go into town, in that small town where everyone whispers, and say with a grin. "Hi, this is my son, and this is his mother and point to his mother. "Yes he`s [our] son". That made me smile for a minute, until I realized I was day dreaming. I imagined being past all the anger, and even that things hadn`t turned out the way it did.

A hug for you.

[StacyKelly2]

I am so sorry that your boy was told he was adopted at the age of 8. Holding back information of a child having biological parents is never the answer. If our adoption goes through..and we are praying. Our child will know he has birth parents and adoptive parents...never, ever will we lie to him. He will also know of the love all of us have for him. Years back I think couples hid the fact a child was adopted, but times have changed. It seems that nurturing a child and making this adoption as part of his growing up process with books on adoption, and letting him know adoption is a loving choice- I will always hold such a special place in my heart for his birth mom because she blessed us more then words could ever say!! And hopefully if this adoption goes through- We will be more then happy to lead him straight to his birth mom!! If not for her we could never have such a miracle in our lives...One more thing - thank you for being a good birth mom- I am just so sorry your experience has not been a good one...hopefully your son will realize the love you have for him-One thing the adoptive parents cannot change is the fact you are his birth mom-always have been and always will be!!! God Bless

[josh1788smom]

Thanks Stacy - people like you make me all warm inside. I pray everything goes through for you. You sound like you have a lot to offer a child. Best of luck to you. I'm just waiting to see where my situation goes. At least, with this site, I am not alone.

[kakuehl]

Josh1788smom, My story is different from yours in several respects... I chose to place my child (I can't say it was anyone else's choice though my dad was in favor of placement and my mom was in favor of raising him). It hurts to read the way you were treated by your family. (It's ok to be mad at God by the way... read the psalms some time. Just remember that people often attribute to God their own feelings and assume God wants for them what they want for themselves. We have trouble understanding that No is sometimes the answer to prayer.)

My son was not adopted by a relative and I knew very little about his aparents. I had no way of finding him when he turned 18. I had sent a letter to the agency for him but the agency had closed when he started looking. He was 33 when we finally reunited. He has told me that had I found him at 18 or 25 he would have not been as open to having a relationship with me. I have been lucky in that his parents have been open to my presence in his life. (Admittedly his dad is more comfortable than his mom although I think she's relaxing more after a year.)

The definition of sin that I try to teach my parishoniers (especially the confirmation students) is "anything that breaks relationship." The tragedy of your situation is that your cousin's desire for a child, your parents desire to solve a "problem" for them (and you) -and still have their grandchild raised by family - have resulted in the breaking of relationships within your family. Unfortunately Josh's mom can't try to rebuild the relationship between you and trust that Joshn can actually have a relationship with you both.

As others have said, Josh is young yet. He's not much older than you were when he was born. It's a challenging time for him. This is yet another time that calls for the "P" word (Patience).

[kune]

He was 33 when we finally reunited. He has told me that had I found him at 18 or 25 he would have not been as open to having a relationship with me.

My son was the exact same age as yours Kathy, and he said the same thing too. It wasn't until he was at the age where medical history was important, and knowing who his birthparents were had become a "must do". And I hear the same from many birthmothers with adult sons. They need to prove themselves, before looking for the missing pieces in their lives. Maybe to prove that adoption wasn't something that hampered them, and maybe because they didn't want to upset adoptive parents while they were under their roof or their control. At 33 a young man is pretty independant and can make his own choices without having to consider the others who make up his "immediate family".

joshsmom - I understand how you want it all to happen .....NOW!!! But like 18 years ago, it is out of your control. You need to wait. It sucks!!! But there's very little you can change. At least you know him, have met him, and he knows where to find you when he is ready.

Ann

[Snow White]

Hi,
I cannot believe that your parents kept choosing adoption for your baby, even though you did not want to. I know you were young but couldn't they see your pain? I am sure that if you wanted to give your son to the adoptive parents, it would have been painful as well, but you would have felt differently if it was your choice. When I was eighteen, I got pregnant as well and my dad pushed for me to have an abortion. I always listened to everything my dad said but that time I told him I could not do that. Luckily for me, the father of my baby was very supportive and therefore we decided to be parents. Now we are married and our son is almost sixteen. I cannot imagine my life without him. We also have another son and we adopted a newborn baby girl a year and a half ago. She is the daughter of a young teen mom who just turned 18 this September. She chose us as the adoptive parents for her daughter and we saw the pain she had to go through to part with her daughter. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. But your situation is even more difficult due to your feelings of being unsupported and pushed to give up your child whom you wanted to parent.
Had I been the adoptive mom of your son, I could not have adopted him knowing how you felt. It was so important to me that the birthmom was very sure of her choice. I wanted to help, not hurt someone.
I hope that you can find a new relationship with your son and that he will bring you joy.

[josh1788smom]

Thanks Snow White. Some of the amoms on here, like you, have helped me to soften my heart. There was a time when I just lumped all amoms together and blamed them collectively for my pain. It was unfair, I know, but it was my mechanism at the time.

Thanks Kathy. I will look into some psalms for meaning. I still want to have the "covet" conversation with my preacher. What really does happen when you break one of the big 10????

I hate patience. It is just not my nature. I take things head on and enjoy every minute of them - the good and the bad. This is just so - hanging.

I thought of writing the amom a letter. Ya know - kind of the extend the olive branch kind of thing. Any thoughts?????

[kakuehl]

The problem is, God doesn't rate sins, humans do... St. Paul said that if you're guilty of breaking one law, you're guilty of breaking them all! (That pretty much covers all of us!) God forgive us, the question is can we forgive ourselves and each other.

BTW, I call patience the"P" word! I don't like to have to be patient and God just says here - practice on this.

I think that if you can build/rebuild a relationship with the amom it can anly help. You've already commented that Josh cares deeply about his parents. I think it may help your healing as well. It could enrich all your lives.

[josh1788smom]

I just wanted to post a little update to this post. I sent the amom a letter. I think it was a very nice letter. I told her I wanted to extend the olive branch to her. I told her I could not apologize for contesting the adoption, and I told her why I did it. I told her I apologized for not thinking of her feelings when I contested it. I told her I was optimistic I would hear from her. OK - that was December 1. She received the letter December 2. I sent it certified, and she is the one who signed for it. Now - I am counting the weeks she has had it in her posession. I did not expect a letter before Christmas. I thought, this is their last Christmas as they have known it before he goes to college - she wants to keep it the same and not think about me. Ok - now we are a month past Christmas.

I am sure she was SHOCKED that I sent her the letter. They have always had an unlisted phone number (since the adoption); so I think she thinks I have none of this information. I have had their addresses and phone numbers for years. Heck, I could have called her, but I sent the letter instead. She could deal with it and digest it in her own time. Could she have the decency to respond - NOPE. Nothing - nada.

If I ever get mad and say anything to my mom, like - you know she could have had the decency to respond - or - these are these great people you thought were soooooo worthy of raising my child, my mom is always like - I know, I know, I've heard this before. I am really at my wit's end with all mothers involved.

I don't know what to do now. Anyone have any ideas?????

[kune]

joshsmom -
I posted earlier on this thread .......

I understand how you want it all to happen .....NOW!!! But like 18 years ago, it is out of your control. You need to wait. It sucks!!! But there's very little you can change. At least you know him, have met him, and he knows where to find you when he is ready.

and my advice is the same. How does it go.....God give me the courage to change what I can, and understand that which I cannot.

Patience josh's mom - Allow him time to reconcile what he needs to, and pray that in the future he will want to be part of his extended family.

Ann