[Byngee12]

Hi All...I am new here and so far I haven't seen my problem stated but I feel sure I'm not the only one so here it is. I am the birthmother of a beautiful 22 year old daughter, Tamara, and the single mother of a soon to be 13 year old daughter Kasey also. Tamara and I were reunited almost a year ago with her contacting the agency and using the infomation I left there. I've never felt the need to "find" her but I also felt that it was her right to know me.
It was HER choice, IMO. We met and things seem to go well with frequent phone calls and visits and I've met her parents, who have become very good friends of mine.
Tamara's life has taken a downward spiral lately and she somehow expects me to step in and "fix" it all. She basically wants more from me than I'm able or willing to give, emotionally. She wants to disengage from a-family and rejoin b-family and IMO thats not either optional or wise.
I am not in a place to "mother" her. I do not feel motherly towards her. I am only 17 years older than she is and I don't see her as a daughter, only as a dearly loved friend. She is aware of my feelings and she feels slighted. Kasey and I have an awesome relationship since its been the 2 of us for so long. We have this natural *fit* and its hard to make room for Tammi. I don't really think I want to make room in my life for her.
Its so hard admitting that I even have these feelings and thoughts. I understand how so many placed kids feel abandoned and I don't want her to feel that from me but I honestly can not give her a mothers love. We have no history; my life is/was proceeding in ways that I was so comfortable with and she is disrupting it. Kasey is unhappy with her, not with sharing my attention, ( yeah right) but with the baggage she seems to bring. Lately I find myself scanning the caller ID before answering a call just because I want to avoid her.
What do you do or say when the bond just isn't there? BTW: she has wonderful A-parents, lovely people, her choices are causing a fall-out there and I don't want to enable her by going against them.
This is long and garbled and I apologize; I am afraid that if I edit it I'll lose my courage and delete it. Please understand that I love her; in some strange way I really love her but I can not be her mother....Tara

[BrandyHagz]

All you can do is tell her that, set boundaries and let he know that she cant just run away from unhappy situations.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t have that connection…I don’t feel like I have that connection with M (the daughter I placed almost nine years ago). I have “feelings” for her…I love her on some level, but I’m not her parent…I never will be.

Again, its important for you to tell her how you feel…maybe in a letter, so there is no confusion of words. Let her know that her adoptive family is her family, and that you love having her in your life and that she is a dear friend, but you cant be her mom, you handed that torch off twenty two years ago!

I think its important for you to realize that not all birthparents feel the same way…don’t feel guilty for that. Don’t let others make you feel like less of a person because of how you feel!

There is nothing wrong with you, I promise!

[Byngee12]

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t have that connection…I don’t feel like I have that connection with M (the daughter I placed almost nine years ago). I have “feelings” for her…I love her on some level, but I’m not her parent…I never will be.


Thanks (again) Brandy for saying what I have never before heard another B-mom admit! I admire the b-moms who have the exact same emotional instant bond with the placed child that they have with raised kids, but I don't ever hear one say that there are differences. You used the term "that connection" and that sums it up in a nutshell. I simply don't have or desire to have that connection.
I had begun to feel as if my own feelings were weird! I think the letter is a great idea although at this time I'm not sure how to reach her. Thanks, Tara

[Jackiejdajda]

Byngee12 wrote..she has wonderful A-parents, lovely people, her choices are causing a fall-out there and I don't want to enable her by going against them.

I think that what you are doing (sending her back to the aparents) is something that is very important to your daughter.. They are her psychological parents..

Here is a link that may help you.
http://www.attachment.adoption.com/

Dr Art has said some very interesting things about attachment and bonding on the boards..

Jackie

[angelsmom]

Tara,

She caught you off guard. She initiated and did this in HER time frame….not yours. So it is natural that you would feel off balance by it all. You weren't ready to have a 22 year-old daughter!

But she IS your daughter. That's a fact. Just like men who find out that they are fathers who had no idea and are expected to step up to the plate in whatever way is appropriate from financially supporting to being a dad to being a father. APPROPRIATE means age appropriate etc. She is your daughter but she is also an adult.

She is obviously going through some “stuff” right now. That’s HER stuff. No need to get into it or between her and a-parents. In fact, I would suggest that you cool your "friendship” with her parents and try to keep this an adult-adult relationship between you and her.

MANY women beocme mothers at 17, so having a daughter just 17 years yunger is NOT unusual. It's just NEW.

Don’t beat yourself up for not feeling how you think you SHOULD feel. That you feel like her friend is a fine, and not at all unapprpriate for mothers and adult daughter to feel that way.

Be patient with her and – and with yourself - and try to count your blessings. It's a big change - a totally new relationship which throws current relationships onto upheaval. Give it time and try to just enoy it - and her - however that plays out. You've been given a very special gift, albeit a surprising one. (Although unlike some men in this position, you knew you had a daughter!)

In sisterhood,

Mirah