[Booker]

My 37-year-old son contacted me two months ago. I wrote, he wrote, we met and now he tells me that he needs to limit any contact because he doesn't want to confuse his two young children. I feel hurt and rejected and almost wish he'd never contacted me in the first place. I know that's not fair and that only two months have passed.
I'm having trouble dealing with the exhilarating high of knowing he's done well and has a very nice family and meeting him and the incredible low feeling that I've disappointed him somehow.
I guess I wanted too much too soon. I looked forward to him meeting my three kids and meaning something to him. I wanted to be able to give him some understanding of himself, but maybe he just doesn't need that.
I just need to talk with someone that can understand the happiness and hurt that I feel. My own family seems somewhat, understandably, relieved.

[ingodshands]

Hi

I know it is hard, but try not to jump to any negative conclusions. Your son is being protective over his children, probably until he is SURE that things between you both is going to work out. It is one thing leaving himself open to the possibility of being hurt, but putting his children in that position probably scares him, and he at this time, is being cautious.

It is perfectly natural to be cautious at this early stage, along with every other emotion you can possibly think of! Just try to take things slowly, one step at a time. Maybe write him, and tell him you understand if he needs time for it all to sink in, to digest, and that you will be patient, and that you will be there for him when he is ready.

Just because he is not open to involving his children at this time, does not mean he wont in the future.

When me and my birthmother were in reunion, (kind of), because I never actually saw her, just spoke a few times and a couple of letters......over about 6 years!! Yes, that long, with so little contact.

I was like you, I wanted to jump straight in there! She didnt. Even after six years. Since about 1998/99, she has decided she wants no contact. So you see, even after six years, she still was not ready, and I am not sure if she ever will be.

The point I am trying to make, is it can take months, a year, or years for your son to get to the same place in reunion that you are at. Gosh, you should have been my birthmother!! We both are the type of person to jump in head first!

Your son is dangling his feet in the water at the moment, checking the temperature, while you are swimming.....can you see what I mean?

Be patient, let him test the water slowly, hopefully before too long he will be swimming alongside you

Good luck, keep us updated

Collette

[Jackiejdajda]

I guess I wanted too much too soon.

Hello Booker..

I gave my son up in /65.. He found me in late 1999.

We met over a year later.. I had many many moments of wanting 'more' from him.. But I can't control the reunion.
I can't force him to be who he is not.. I need to accept him as he is.. Who he is..

Its early days for you.. Patience is what is needed..
You hit the nail right on the head..
And it is worth it my friend..Every bit of patience is worth it..

I hope you stay with us.. Lots of good people here.

Jackie

[Booker]

Collette and Jackie, thank you for your understanding and encouraging replies. I really appreciate your perspectives and it's great to be able to talk about this with someone who can understand and doesn't have a stake in this situation.
I thought that giving up a baby was behind me, it had happened, I moved on. But suddenly it's as though a huge gapping hole appeared in my life that I had ignored and failed to deal with. My son, the adult, truly doesn't need to deal with or even know about all these messy feelings. It's just some growing I need to do that I had failed to do before.
So it's probably best that we have limited contact because I do feel so intense about this right now. And it's my problem. Thank you for allowing me to vent and understanding what I am going through.
Julie

[ingodshands]

"I thought that giving up a baby was behind me, it had happened, I moved on. But suddenly it's as though a huge gapping hole appeared in my life that I had ignored and failed to deal with. My son, the adult, truly doesn't need to deal with or even know about all these messy feelings. It's just some growing I need to do that I had failed to do before."

Sometimes the truama is so intense it gets buried very deep, and that is where we want to keep it for fear of facing it, because subconsciously we are aware of how painful it would be to let it re-surface. But maybe we have to let it re-surface in order to move on, accept what happened.

Having contact with your son after all these years has in no doubt opened up a lot of feelings for you, feelings that you thought were no longer there.

Vent all you want, it helps to talk.
Collette

[Booker]

Collette,
Thanks. It's been quite a surprise when I tell friends that knew I had given up a baby what they were thinking about me, my family, the baby's father and all.
I was very sick during my early pregnancy. I had to have two major surgeries and don't remember too much other than being in the hospital and my parents being there. At age 20 I was thrown back to being completely dependent on my parents just when I should have been becoming more independent. My friends (sisters I grew up with that I feel almost like another sister to) were angry with my parents. They felt that my parents forced me not to marry the baby's father and give the baby up for adoption. I was surprised that that was how they saw the situation. I don't know that that was true but it's something else to think about.
Odd how things you always thought were true, might not be as someone else interprets them.
Julie

[Jackiejdajda]

Its about full circle to me.. Its about finally knowing what happened..

But suddenly it's as though a huge gapping hole appeared in my life that I had ignored and failed to deal with.

It comes back full force.. Dosen't it..

I got angry.. I got incredibly angry when I met my first born son..What an amazing thing that anger was.

There is such a thing as a good solid reunion.. An amazing thing to behold..
Me.. I have a hard time calling him.. He wants me to phone and I can not. Talking with him now days hurts..

I still grieve.

And I am honoring that grief.. I am taking care of me.. He is just fine.. I know that..

Jackie

[Booker]

Jackie,
I'm not sure what you mean when you say you are angry. I don't know that I could ever be angry. I feel very hurt that my son doesn't seem to want to keep in contact as much as I would like. I feel as though maybe I've disappointed him simply by being who I am.
I also feel as though I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Maybe parenting the young me is what is in order.
It would be difficult if my son were the emotionaly needy one. I'm not sure how I would handle that.
Julie

[ingodshands]

That confused me too, when Jackie said that she was angry when she met her son, the only thing I could think is that she was not angry with him personally, just the situation as it was all those years ago, and the anger of what happened then, has come into her life now. I'm not sure.

Would love you to explain a bit more on that Jackie. I am interested in hearing how birthmothers feel, what they go through. It helps me to understand my own birthmother better. Maybe she feels the same as you Jackie.

I, personally, feel birthmothers should not beat themselves up for the past. You were doing what you thought was the RIGHT thing at THAT time. Although it is easy for me to say that as I am not in your position.

I cant imagine how you both feel, but I do try to understand.

Collette

[Jackiejdajda]

When I gave my son up for adoption.. Anger was not allowed.
Showing any anger was not allowed.
I had to pretend my emotions away. I had to lie there as the priest prayed over me.. I had to accept that I was not to see my son..
I had to accept that my nightmare would be him crying .. alone in the nursery.. Set apart from the others.

Yes I brought it on myself.. Yes my mom and dad helped me in a terrible situation.. Yes I was 20/21 at the time.. Yes to all of that stuff..

But when I saw this man.. When I got a hug from this man.. When I saw the picture of him going fishing with his brother..When he finally became real. I finally found my anger.

Anger that I did not spend my life with him.. Anger that I did not know him when he was growing up..
Anger at a society that decided that I had to give my baby up for adoption in order to be accepted.. In order to be marriageable..
(Yes I know that is really wrong thinking but that was the way *I* thought in 1964)

Its like this is all acceptable.. All acceptable in the world of pretend and keeping face and 'keeping up with the Joneses who have nothing to do'. (<little feat)

I finally understood what I had missed..

I was never able to feel that emotions called anger.. White hot anger.. Whew.. I always suppressed it so I was acceptable..

And I don't think its about trying to show my anger to someone else.. Trying to change things through anger.. Trying to change what cannot be changed.. It was just plain feeling it.. It is a physical thing.

Jackie

[ingodshands]

I can understand why you are angry.

I have problems with my siblings because of their feelings of anger towards our birthmother. They blame everything on her. She left, so its her fault.

However much I say to them, she left because she was in a violent and abusive marriage, that she didnt leave US, she left him, but was UNABLE to take us. They will not listen.

She is so frightened of being "judged" by everybody. By her friends, her partners family, neighbours. This is one of the reasons I think behind her wanting to forget, not wanting contact. She has made a new life for herself, and I think she is worried about people "looking down on her" for what she did.

Hardly surprising, when my siblings "judge" without truly knowing what happened all those years ago.

I am glad you are dealing with what you are feeling now Jackie. Hopefully the day will come when you feel you are able to call your son. Even if its a fairly short call, just to say Hi, How are you? It would mean so much to him.

The only time my birthmother ever called me was on my 30th birthday, to wish me a happy birthday. I was in shock. It made me cry, I was so happy that after all those years of no "happy birthday's" from her, she called me to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY, it meant so much.

[Booker]

I'm having difficulties getting posted but will try again.

Jackie, I can understand your anger. You had lost all control and the priest and your parents gave you nothing but platitudes in exchange. I hope it doesn't get in the way of your relationship with your son.

I think what I feel most is sorrow for relinquishing my son. I didn't have much choice because I was so sick in my early pregnancy. My mother, an RN, was somewhat surprised that I didn't lose the baby. He seemed fine to me when I held him and from what the doctors and nurses told me. I was very relieved to find that he was healthy and had grown up without problems from my surgeries and drugs I had to take. I don't know if he realizes how tough and what a survivor he truly is.
His adoptive parents were not told about my illness and surgeries. I think the adoption agency should have told them.

I made many choices - some good, many bad - because of the grief of losing a child.

So much work has to be done by the child and the birth parent that they can't do together that everything seems very complicated.

Julie

[Jackiejdajda]

ingodshands wrote..This is one of the reasons I think behind her wanting to forget, not wanting contact.

I understand that one hundred percent.. There are times I just can not handle the emotions.. Can't go there.. Don't want to..

Hopefully the day will come when you feel you are able to call your son.

I don't think I can take any more hurt with this.. Or maybe I am taking a break from the hurt or very intense emotions..

Booker this is what happens.. One (folks in reunion) does one thing and then the other does another.. I used to be able to say.. He did not call me.. He did not return my email.. so its okay to push it all away again.

I know I was terribly disappointed the first year.. I used to lay awake at nite thinking of babysitting the grandbabies.. Thinking I could fly out there and have the kids for a week while he went off with his wife..Dream on sweet fool..
He came to my city and I knew he was coming on a business trip and he did not call for a week.. I knew he was in my city and he did not call.
My goodness that hurt..

But I had to learn how to put myself in his shoes.. How to understand where he was coming from.. He may not have been able to handel the emotions..(and the same goes in your situation ingodshands) I don't know the man..
That's the hard part in this.. Checking out the other person and try and see them in their map of the world.. try and sort what may be going on in their head (s)..

But I don't think I can do that right now.. My heart wants a time out.
My reunion is going incredibly slow.. And now I admit that this is how I want it..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Booker wrote.. I was very relieved to find that he was healthy and had grown up without problems from my surgeries and drugs I had to take.

You've been worrying about that all those years.. How difficult for you.. What an awful worry that must have been..

So much work has to be done by the child and the birth parent that they can't do together that everything seems very complicated.

This is what keeps me fascinated.. Its a very interesting human condition.. All the emotions are involved..

I think the main (most helpful) thing that I have learned about reunion is we get the rest of our lives to sort this. We can take it as slow as we want it..
Its two people getting to know each other..

ingodshands... I am so sorry your birthmom cant handle reunion..
But you are so very understanding.. It comes across with every word you write.. Have you approached her lately?


Jackie

[Booker]

Collette,
I agree with Jackie - you do have a lot of sensitivity and even patience with bmothers, especially your own. I was surprised by the caution that my son used when he wrote me. "If you can, if you can't, I understand."

My feelings about my kids was to be honest. I never felt I was keeping a secret about my first born when my three were growing up. It wasn't something I felt I was hiding. But when my son contacted me and I wrote back about my health, my families' health and that he had three siblings, I had to tell them. How could he know about them and they not know about him?

My husband knew but we were so busy raising kids and dealing with their growing up, there was no reason or time to talk about it.

Ironically enough, this is not our first experience with reunions. My husband lost custody of a child before we met. His first wife took off to Europe with the child and changed his name. When he became 18 he joined the US army and about 8 years later contacted his father. We met and have visited several times since. His mother was mentally ill and abusive. He had a very difficult childhood.

The reunion has not gone smoothly because he had to have complete control over how close he would allow himself to get to his father. Now, he needs his dad and is sharing more of himself with us. It's taken some pretty severe problems for that to happen.

On a lighter note, my kids first question was "Are there any more of us?"

Julie