[ingodshands]

"Is there any way you could continue a relationship with her sister without her sister feeling disloyal to your bmother?"

I try to call my birthaunt about once a year. It is very hard for me and her. She feels like "piggy in the middle", which I can understand, and I dont want her to feel like that.

She will talk to me, but there is awkward silences, she really doesnt know what to say. She feels like my birthmother should want to know her children, all of them.

Last year, I wrote a letter to my aunt. My birthmother came round her house, saw the letter, said to my aunt, "is that who I think it is from?" (she recognised my writing), my aunt said "yes, do you want to read it?". With that she walked out of the house, upset. My aunt let her go. The next day my birthmother came round for coffee, (they live very close to each other). My baunt just told her that, just because she wants no contact with me, doesnt mean she has to be the same. I dont know how that sat with my birthmother, but the last thing I want to do is cause friction between them both.

They are very close as sisters, my baunt is very protective over her.

So, the last time I spoke to my baunt was in August, (after my letter to my birthmother) it will probably be a year or so before I call again. I will send her a Christmas card though. I recieved my first Christmas card from my baunt last year.

The other thing to mention is, my baunt said she will talk to me if I call, and keep in touch, but she never writes to me, or calls me. It is always me that initiates it. This tells me she does not write or call for fear of betraying her sister.

The one thing that has struck me though, if my baunt did not want me to call, she would change her phone number, surely, and make it ex-directory. She could easily do this, but hasnt. Two of my siblings have this number too, they call probably about once a year like me.

So, what are your gut feelings on this ladies??!!

Collette

[Renda]

Julie,

This is a perspective from an adoptee, I thought twice before writing this so I hope its ok.

A lot of adoptee's have such curiosity about their birth parents and thats what drives them to find them, but when found they just want to meet them and then leave it a alone, sometimes possibly keep loose contact, but nothing too close.

They already have their family and life, but have a strong need to know their roots.

I am looking for my birth father at the moment and my intention is to see him, if he will allow that and tell him I have had a good life so he knows things turned out ok and then move on.

This may sound harsh or selfish, but it's just they way it is I'm afraid. Of course each situation is different and some people would do things differently.

I can only imagine what it must be like for birth mothers who find their children, very difficult indeed all the emotion and sometimes expectations, its all so very difficult.

Originally posted by Booker
Jackie,
. I feel very hurt that my son doesn't seem to want to keep in contact as much as I would like. I feel as though maybe I've disappointed him simply by being who I am.
Julie

Julie,

as an adoptee that had a reunion....outwardly a good one....I can understand your son pulling back...I searched for the roots, I searched out of extreme curosity....she was very happy to have me found. I became extemly confused and overwhelmed and did pull back.

I can not speak for your son..but I know that I would never want to feel that I hurt my birthmom....I would never want her to feel that I was basically judgeing her for the person that she was....it may have nothing to do with who you are as a person....I think any person...who judges just based on someones personhood is pretty judgemental and I think you are being way to hard on yourself. I bet you are a fine person, based on these few postings. This situation and your bson's feelings may have nothing to do with "who you are" and all to do with him sorting out his feelings.

I know that when I had my reunion I put pressure on myself to be good to everyone involved and in the interim I lost what I needed...the thought of hurting ANYONE in the process of me finding my roots and fulfilling my need to know scared the bejesus out of me...so I pulled back...I need what I needed to geive me the space to process. I think what would have helped me was the fact that if bmom or aparents had said.

Donna, I understand your confusion...I know you need to sort things out and I am behind you...I want what you feel is best for you.

But what happened was I felt I was responsable for everyone elses happiness and it just made me so conflicted. I was not able to experiance the whole reunion...due to those feelings. If someone had said ...its ok to love both your moms...a wieght would have been lifted and I could have enjoyed the reunion. But I was so frightend of hurting anyone ...but I put it upon myself based on certian comments from both afamily AND bfamily that I had to decide ..where my loyalities lied......I felt that I could not be the person I WAS because it may hurt amom or bmom.....granted all of this was feelings I put on myself...but if someone had just said...Donna...go for what you need ...it would have made my life so much easier. My amom suppoerted the search...she expected me to be respectful, she underswtood my need to know but I am not so sure she supported the realtionship(could have been in my mind...nothing was really said)...my birth family told me "she is your mother after all" and bmom said "you could go see your grandmother(her mother) more often....I experiance expectations that I could not fufill...so I just shut it down. It is all very sad because a lot of time was wasted...and both moms are dead now. My bmom and I did have a relationship but it was not as close as it could have been...I see that as sad.

Please don't be so hard on yourself...I do understand how you could feel that way but it is underserved...him pulling back may have nothing to do with you...but with his confusion.

I will be thinking of you and hopeing for peace for you both

Donna

[Booker]

Renda -
Thank you for being so forthright in your post. I think what you're saying is exactly what my son would say.
I wonder if what I want is totally selfish. I need to deal with all the things about relinquishing a child that I hadn't dealt with before. Ironically enough, that has little to do with the adult child that I met last month.
He doesn't need my messy, contradictory feelings and emotions. He's a busy person with a young family, mortgage, older parents, and a career. The last thing he needs is another drain on his energy. I would certainly never want to be that.
I also have some very real and difficult challenges in my life.
It would be a very real threat to me if he were a needy person needing more than I could comfortably give.
So I'm working through in my mind what I want from this relationship. One thing I really want is to know if my original impression of him is correct. In my job I get to know people very well in a very personal way in a very short time and I feel tantalized (?!) by what little I know of him. Simply superficially, he seems so typical for our area and state-wide culture. So settled, so content with the way things are. So why did he choose this time of life to search for me?
We all need to know who we are. One of my step-son's first steps in getting back in his father's life was to do genealogy research. Now he and my husband are both intensely involved in the subject and finding their roots.
And, very selfishly I'm afraid, I want to know who I am. Can I find answers by getting to know my son better?
Also, and again perhaps selfishly, I want all my children together to have a positive, supporting relationship with one another. These wonderful people who have so many strengths and talents would would be stronger and, I believe, happier knowing each other and being involved in one another's lives.
I am most content when my three children and their families have come home and we are together again. It's magical the way families grow and change as we welcome new people into our lives. There is no feeling like the deep peace that comes to me when we are together laughing and enjoying one another's company and humor.
I know it can't always be that way; there are too many personalities involved not to have conflict and pain. But when it happens...!
I'd like a touch of that closeness with the son that I gave up for adoption.
Julie

[Renda]

Julie,

Its good to hear how you appreciate and enjoy it when all your family is together, I can understand that.

It sounds like you need to deal with your own emotions etc concerning the time you gave him up, you need to heal, but by the sounds of it you know the problem and you will be able to deal with it and work things through in your mind, and afterwards you will be in a far better place, it can't be good to leave things not dealt with for such a long time.

As for your son, yes I can imagine that you want to know more of what he is really like, and to sometimes be able to share that 'close' feeling, I think I would also if I were in your shoes.

Well I really hope you can reach that point between you, with time and trust it may happen. You have a good healthy outlook about it all, and thats why it may be possible, because you are not suddenly going to start bombarding him with mail or making him feel pressured.

He may also have feelings of guilt of his own to deal with, concerning his adopted parents, I know I did when I first started searching.

Hope things work out for you,
Renda

[Booker]

You wrote:

But what happened was I felt I was responsable for everyone elses happiness and it just made me so conflicted

------------------------------------------------

Responsibility for someone else's happiness has been an issue in our family. My husband was always told by his grandmother not to add to the unhappiness of his mother because of a difficult marriage (that neither woman helped relieve.)

As a result he grew up thinking he was there to make his mother happy. It was quite a realization to him when he had children of his own to know that he did not expect them to make him happy so he should not have been responsible for his mother's happiness.

We thought we always made clear to our children that while their choices might negatively effect them, they were not responsible for making us unhappy about their choices. They weren't to live their lives for us.

Imagine our surprise when our daughter needed some counseling and after the first session said she had a breakthrough. As the youngest child she had always felt responsible for trying to make everyone else in the family happy! She felt a duty towards us and her brothers somehow to come to our rescue in all situations. I guess these feelings can't be escaped.

I'm an only child but grew up next door to a family with 7 children. I was in the middle of them all and very close to them and their mother.

One of my best memories is when I was 6 or 7 I called their grandmother "Grandma." One of the older kids said "she's our grandmother, not yours."

Their mother came to my rescue (I didn't even know the grandmother's name, how was I to refer to her?) and said I could call her "Grandma" if I wanted.

I feel as though I had two mothers. The neighbor mom had much wisdom and nothing I did reflected on her! How much more could one ask of a close friend!

I did feel disloyal to my own mother during my teenage years when I was so close to the neighbor family and trying to grow more independent of my own. They knew first of my pregnancy and had to tell my mother when I ended up in the hospital. That was devastating to my mother. That family was more accepting of the father of my baby than my own family was.

It's so possible to love two mothers and value them both so very much. Maybe my experience is unique. I have never understood situations where two mothers fight for custody over a child to the detriment of the child. Solomon's solution seems stupid and shortsighted as well to me.

You can't have too many people in your life that love you and want only the best for you. I'm on the same side as my son's amother, cheering for the same team. I have fewer rights but I'm not less passionate.

Julie

[Jackiejdajda]

ingodshands wrote..Last year, I wrote a letter to my aunt. My birthmother came round her house, saw the letter, said to my aunt, "is that who I think it is from?" (she recognised my writing), my aunt said "yes, do you want to read it?". With that she walked out of the house, upset. My aunt let her go. The next day my birthmother came round for coffee, (they live very close to each other). My baunt just told her that, just because she wants no contact with me, doesnt mean she has to be the same.

I do not see anything wrong with you pushing the envelope..
Not dealing with 'stuff' is no way to live IMO.. Not dealing with a daughter who one relinquished is a big big.. no way to live..

But you are doing it the right way.. I personally believe...
Gentle reminders that are full of respect.. and not going away..

A gift..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Booker wrote..They knew first of my pregnancy and had to tell my mother when I ended up in the hospital. That was devastating to my mother.

And my thought goes to after reading what you wrote..
And no mother love for you..

How can we understand love when we are not shown it.. I can remember when a boyfriend nearly lost his parents..They were on a cruise and the boat sank..I was a teen at that time.. I can remember wondering why he was so worried..

That thought is like a blip on the/my radar screen.. Was I that not loved by my parents? Was I not shown love in those years?

Also I wonder how many women gave their babies up because the parents did not nurture their daughters..

Jackie

[l-thompson]

Also I wonder how many women gave their babies up because the parents did not nurture their daughters

I personally think there is a lot of truth to that. I think that played a part in the decision to relinguish me...

[Booker]

quote:

Also I wonder how many women gave their babies up because the parents did not nurture their daughters...


I've got to take some time to think about this. I remember thinking "I know in my brain that my father loves me, but I don't feel it."

My mother was devasted, I believe, because it was such a shock to her and she felt it would embarrass her in the eyes of the very small rural community we lived in. Also she was hurt that I had confided to my neighbor before her. She got over it and tended to what was necessary to do at the time. After the baby was born, relinquished and I was home, nothing more was ever said about it.

I talked with a few other people about it after I left home but never, that I can remember, talked with any counselor about it.

My relationship with my children is a lot different than mine with my parents. We seem a lot closer, more willing to hug and contact one another. I love it!

One irony is that my relinquished son was raised my parents that sound similar to my own. His dad and my worked in the same field and his mother was in a caring profession, like mine. He seems to be the kind of son my own father would have wanted. My father and I had many things to disagree on. He was very conservative and I'm not.

I-thompson, what knowledge do you have that your bmother's parents lacked love for her?

Julie

[Jackiejdajda]

l-thompson wrote.."I know in my brain that my father loves me, but I don't feel it."

They did not show it.. Not allowed..

I was not strong emotionally.. I did not have that depth of belief in myself that a well loved person has.. Who perceives/knows they are well loved..

My husband used to wrestle on the rug with the kids.. I could not handle it.. I would say "please stop."

Don't let it get out of control..

Don't take any chances is what it boils down to IMO.
All will be lost if you mess up..

I still have it in me.. I go to see my dad and he looks at me sideways and I am a kid who dosen't look good enough..
Surface stuff.. and IMO that was the fifties. (I was a teen in the fifties.)
My husband loves me.. My kids love me.. They love me as I am right now.. All my foibles..(for lack of a better word)
That makes me strong..

I was not strong back then..

But as the IChing says.. "No blame."

Jackie

[l-thompson]

-thompson wrote.."I know in my brain that my father loves me, but I don't feel it

Jackie.....Booker wrote that..not me.
I was fortunate because my father did love me very much, I knew it and he did tell me from time to time. I felt it for the most part.....my father was a good man, his heart was in the right place....it was just sad that alcohol was his first love.

[cute]

Julie wrote : l-thompson what knowledge do you have that b/parents did not love her.
She was raised by a mom who was more interested in how clean her house was then in me.I am l-thompson's mother.....I did not feel I could ever turn to my mother for support in anything.She was working all day and when she came home at night cleaning her own house was more important then spending time with me.'
There were times I would try to clean but never good enough,she took apart and did over......
L-thompson's knowledge comes from me who has told her all.....
Sad it was that way, but I never really felt love but I tell you the children I did get to raise knew very well how much they were loved.....and when they did something I would say thank you for the help......The sad part in all is that I did not get to raise my first born child,and oh how very sad that is....
1963 was when you were told place your child for adoption and you are a good mother but keeping your baby you were bad.
At least that was the way I was made to feel.
Just thought I would drop a line...love and best wishes to you all...






they can take the child from the mother but not the mother from the child

[cute]

I said I was i-thompson's mother .....b/mom...but feel so good as she does call me mom......Her mother was the lucky one as she got to raise her ......(((HUGS)))) Lindsay...









THEY CAN TAKE THE CHILD FROM THE MOTHER BUT NOT THE MOTHER FROM THE CHILD.

[Jackiejdajda]

I try so hard to get my quotes right.. Sorry I thompson..

Booker my apologies as well..

Jackie