[ingodshands]

"ingodshands... I am so sorry your birthmom cant handle reunion..
But you are so very understanding.. It comes across with every word you write.. Have you approached her lately?"

I feel I owe it to my birthmother to TRY to understand what she went through all those years ago, and what she is still going through NOW. Although she doesnt know that I am trying so hard...because of there being no contact.

I also owe it to the birthmothers on this forum to try and be sensitive and understand where they are coming from. I have no right to "judge" any birthmother for what has happened in their life. The way I see it is: You all done what you felt was best/right in the situation you were in. As far as I can see, what more could you have done? The emotional pain that birthmothers go through even years later, tells me that they do care, otherwise there wouldnt be any pain.

Since coming on this forum I have learnt so much. Just because my birthmother wants no contact, it does not mean that she is not hurting, not wishing things could be different, but she has not got the strength that is needed to enable things to be different.

I did send a letter to my birthmother a few months ago. I sent it to her sister and asked her to pass it on for me. I called my b'aunt about a month later, (it was driving me mad not even knowing if she passed it on to her!) she told me that her and my uncle went away on holiday, when they go on holiday my mother checks on the house for them, so my aunt left the letter there for her to see (unopened), along with the covering letter that I wrote to my aunt.

When she came back from her holiday, the letter was gone! So my birthmother took it. My aunt WILL NOT bring up the subject of this all with my birthmother because she gets so upset, she just waits to see if she mentions it, but she has not. Hasnt said a word.

Now, is it a good sign that she took the letter? Even though I havent heard anything, I dont know.

Collette

[Booker]

Collette,

I am sorry that your bmother is not in the position to be more involved with you. It must be very frustrating and frightening for both of you.

I feel strongly that even though I relinquished a baby, I didn’t relinquish parental responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is to be honest. (This from someone who didn’t tell her kids her “secret” until late in their lives.) No question is off base. I told my kids about the existence of a half brother as soon as I could after he found out about their existence. Their reactions were their responsibility, not mine. It helps that I had a lot of confidence in them that they would continue to love and accept me.

Your bmother may not have that confidence or good fortune.

Another responsibility I did not relinquish was “to be there.” I don’t know what the future holds for my son. But if there is any need for me to “be there” I will do what I can just as I would for any child of mine.

My husband and I are experiencing this with his son right now.

I think it is good that your bmother picked up the letter. I believe it is of great value to her. Is there any way you could continue a relationship with her sister without her sister feeling disloyal to your bmother?

Julie

[Jackiejdajda]

Collette...wrote..Now, is it a good sign that she took the letter? Even though I havent heard anything, I dont know.

I think it is a very good sign..

You earlier wrote..However much I say to them, she left because she was in a violent and abusive marriage, that she didn't leave US, she left him, but was UNABLE to take us. They will not listen.

My goodness.. That must have been incredibly hard.

ER had an amazing show last nite.. A man goes to the ER very sick and his life is shown to us. He is a drunk or an addict and is dying.
They call his son who he has the number of and the son will not see him.

Incredible drama..

After the show I was thinking that our lives can become so very difficult so very fast..

And when it becomes difficult we sometimes made decisions that haunt us.. Or we run from something in the spur of the moment and regret it for the rest of our lives.. And if we got some guilt piled on top of that.. We are not going to reach out.. It may hurt to much..

If she was able to cope with this she would meet you and talk and say I am out of here.. No problem.

But she can not do that.. It is so good you are in her life.. Just the fact that you are saying you are there and you want to know her.
She may come out of it..
I hope and pray she does..

Jackie

[elmarie]

Jackie, I saw that ER show last night also. It was incredible. I loved the part when the dying man spoke to Pratt about his father and Pratt replied not seeing his father didn't bother him, but the dying man replied "But It bothers him". That struck such a cord in me.

Ingodshands, I think the fact that your birthmother took the letter is definitely a positive sign. I think it's almost a given she has read it many times over. If she able to make a move, only time will tell. Your sensitivety toward her is amazing and your understanding of birthmothers in general is incredible.

Jackie, I found your post about anger so interesting. I also have felt anger, since the reunion with my birthson, eight months ago.
It's the first time I have been able to feel anger about giving up my son. I was never able to feel anger before, not at the birthfather for abandoning us, my mother for telling me how disappointed she was in me, or myself for not being strong enough at the time to see other possibilities. Most of my anger though I directed (and still do) at myself. I'm still working on forgiving myself, or that scared, very confused and lonely girl. Intellectually I know I did the best I could do at the time with so few resources, but emotionally I'm not there yet. Do we ever get there completely?

I know I feel so much love for my birthson and I miss him so much. We have met but have had only limited contact. The only contact is when I initiate it. A few words in an email would mean the world to me. But I know he has his reasons for not being able to do that. I pray every day that I will continue to have the strength and patience to hang in there and give him all the time and space he needs to process this.

[Jackiejdajda]

elmarie wrote.. I pray every day that I will continue to have the strength and patience to hang in there and give him all the time and space he needs to process this.

I think if we allow ourselves to go through the emotions we will find that elusive patience

If we allow the anger (and do not put a time limit on it) we can find out what is the matter.. What we are angry with ourselves about..

Most of my anger though I directed (and still do) at myself. I'm still working on forgiving myself, or that scared, very confused and lonely girl. Intellectually I know I did the best I could do at the time with so few resources, but emotionally I'm not there yet. Do we ever get there completely?

I think we do.. I have met some amazing women on the net who are 'there'.. Birthmoms who are taking the time to run groups and tell the new ones coming up that you can sort this..
The woman who runs (or did run) the Sunflower reunion group is one of those.. An amazing woman.

But I believe (I may be totally wrong) that I have forgiven myself..

I remember when I confronted myself..When I said to myself "How could you do that?" and "I am angry that you did that."

Julia Cameron.. 'The Artist Way' wrote about anger..
page 61

Cameron writes.. ...what we do with our anger is stuff it, deny it, bury it, block it, hide it, lie about it, medicate it, muffle it, ignore it. We do everything but listen to it..

she also wrote..

...anger is a map..


me writing......
If we won't face the anger in ourselves.. at ourselves.. we can not find the map.. We can't find those triggers that started us being angry with ourselves.. The why of it..
As Peter Gabriel wrote.. "Find the places we got hurt."

That's an act of love for ourselves..

And I agree with what you said about ER and the incredible clear thinking of that script..

Jackie

[danap2]

You need to read the post on disappointing renuions.

My B Mom said she wanted no contact I am 41 & in a very stable marriage & 2 wonderful children

I have been on the rollercoaster since I located her & she is sitting by her fire thinking its okay
She has had a great life & its all thanks to me..Yes it is thanks to her that I have had & will contunie to have a great life
But all I want to do it look into her eyes & see her heart
I do not want to be her daughter at this time just a friend..just a part of her life
Then, Now & always & maybe even in the future

[l-thompson]

She has had a great life & its all thanks to me..Yes it is thanks to her that I have had & will contunie to have a great life

We have good lives because we choose to make the best of what we have been dealt in this life. I know you are hurting...I am truly sorry that your birthmom has said no contact...

Last year I flew from New Zealand to Canada to reunite with my birthfamily. I recall sitting around the kitchen table talking....the conversation went along the lines of...if I hadn't been relinguished there would be no C, S and C ( my siblings) I recall thinking.... just as well you relinguished me then, think how good your life is now and how it could have been if you had decided to raise me.....how fortunate for everyone that I was relinguished!!!
I swallowed my bitter pill...I realised it was up to me how I reacted. I have had my moments over the last 18 months....I really think thats ok.....I think we have to feel our hurts, our pain, acknowledge it, work through it and then move on.
Dana, its early days for you...as time passes everything will settle again. I am also 41 with two children and I do believe as a mother, the feelings and emotions that come with reunion are intensified as you too have also experienced pregnancy and childbirth...sometimes having that experience can give you great emapthy and understanding and yet at other times shake your head in bewilderment.
You take care of you......you are still the same person you were before reunion....nothing has changed.

[Booker]

I'm a bit embarrassed by this because it seems so "'60's" but then my daughter brought it home from her college days in this millenium and I read it and got still more from it. I read The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran when I was in school and during my pregnancy this portion helped me deal somehow with what I was going through:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[Jackiejdajda]

danap2 wrote..You need to read the post on disappointing renuions.

I am reading that thread.. I dare not post on it.. I always end up in trouble with this particular subject..

But.. oh lordy the buts.. I have a question.
How do you know your birthmom had a good life?

And Booker.. I love that poem.. It has given me lots of comfort..

Jackie

[danap2]

Well she said she had, had a good life,surely she was truthful

[Jackiejdajda]

danap2 wrote..Well she said she had, had a good life,surely she was truthful

A good life on terms of what? Its not good that she can not meet you.. Do you know the actual reason why?

I bet she is not having a good life right now..

Jackie

[danap2]

This is a quote of her email :::you decide!!


My life is good and I have a family of my own, and I do not want anything to mess that up. I feel that this will be the best for everyone involved. I have always wanted what was best for you and I hope that this gives you some closure to this situation.

Dana

[Booker]

Dana -
You're right. That response is cold. I suppose you can read between the lines and say "well, she says she always has wanted the best for me," but that doesn't change the abruptness and dismissiveness of what she has written.
Maybe email can't convey more feeling and passion.
No, that's not true.
I'm angry at her and I feel sorry for her at the same time. She doesn't trust her family not to get "messed up" by knowing more about her and she's missing something very important. I suppose it would depend, too, on the age of her child at home. Teenagers can be hell and are prone to a great deal of embarrassment by anything parents do, say, have done, have said, wear, look like - well you get the point.
I don't know what to say. You have every right to feel hurt and frustrated, but, I suppose there's little you can do. But, you can never know what may come up in your bmother's life that may makes her realize what she's missing. Just thank God for your family's support, openness and love.
Julie

[Jackiejdajda]

Dana quoted..My life is good and I have a family of my own, and I do not want anything to mess that up. I feel that this will be the best for everyone involved. I have always wanted what was best for you and I hope that this gives you some closure to this situation

Dana I want to say I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.. It must be terrible..

But how can her life be good if she is afraid of anything rocking the boat? And IMO she has told you nothing (if this is all you got from her)
It sounds like she is keeping secrets.. She may be keeping secrets from her husband.. her mate.

Its about pretend for some of us.. We were told to pretend back then and some of us keep up the pretending..

If her life was good she would want to meet up with you IMO.. She would want to know what you looked like.. How you spoke..

For some of us emotions were verboten when we relinquished.. Some of us do not understand them.. Do not understand the hurt..

Jackie

[ingodshands]

I tend to agree with Jackie, maybe there is secrets, maybe she has not told anybody about you.

When your birthmother says her life is "good", she probably means her family life is good, and she is worried that if the "secret" comes out, what will it do to her family. Will they still think of her the same, will they judge her. This must be pretty scary for her.

I know it is hard for you, and I know all you want to do is see her, have a place in her heart. For I feel the same.

We cant make our birthmothers want contact with us, that is something only they can decide. They need to work through their fears, pain, secrets. Unfortunately not all of them are strong enough emotionally to do that. It is too painful for them.

Dont lose hope though, maybe one day she might change her mind. Trust me, although she has told you no contact, it does not mean she is not thinking about you, or regretting that she feels unable to change how things are at the moment.

Collette