[makauff2]

I received an email last week from the daughter that I gave up for adoption at birth in 1983. We spoke on the phone and have exchanged emails. I am not sure what she is looking for from me. I am not that girl that I was back then. It has been 21 years and I have grown and changed. I am giving her the time and space that she needs. I just have never been here before and do not have any idea how I should act, what I should say. Anyone out there with any words of wisdom for me? I am touched that she sought me out. Thank you for any help that you might have for me..Becca

[Byngee12]

Hi Becca....I am also new to this forum but I've been reading for months. I am in the same situation; my placed daughter also "found" me recently and we've had several face to face meetings and we talk several times a week via the phone.
At the beginning I also wondered what she wanted with me and how I could give her what she asked for. I was so afraid she'd "blame" for placing her and would see me as I am now and not as I was when I had her. To my relief I discovered that she didn't "want" anything more than I could give. We just let things flow. We didn't get into any of the "hard stuff" until after our 3rd meeting and even then she started out by saying please don't feel you have to share anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. All of that was awesome and very mature on her part BUT still I find myself uncomfortable with her most of the time. She's my daughter who really isn't my daughter.... we have no history together. There has never been another relative in my life that I've had this difficulty with.
When I placed her I thought it meant I'd never see her again and even though I thank goodness we've met and that she is alive and well; its difficult to interact with her, ya' know?
This whole adoption thing is complicated, there don't seem to be many guidelines and I feel blessed just knowing there are others out there like me....Good Luck Girl.....Tara

[makauff2]

Thank you so much for your insight. This is such a new road for me. I know what you mean about there not being any set rules for how this goes. I am just taking it all one day at a time and seeing what she needs and wants. I am settled into my life as a 40 year old woman. I told her that she needs to know what she is looking for or would like to know from me. I am completely open to her.

If you would like to stay in contact please feel free. It is nice to know that I am not alone!

Becca

[blankenb4]

Tara and Becca,

Many congrats on meeting your daughters. I hope that one day I will be so fortunate.

Best wishes,

Barbara
ISO Bdaughter 6-6-71

[Byngee12]

I am currently in a quandry with my daughter in that she and her a-Mom are fighting and she somehow felt she could suddenly ignore/reject mom in favor of *new mom* (me) In short, she is unmarried and pregnant; *ugh* and very bright. The dad-2-be is for lack of a better words a loser...he has no education, no job, nothing except his love for her and a drug/alcohol habit. She is unable to work, she can not pay rent any longer on the apt they share; she wanted her a-parents to either finance them or allow them to move home until times get better. The A-parents refused to allow HIM entrance. She decided she'd cut them out of her life and come home to me. I turned her away and while I could have helped her out $$ wise I elected not to. (I did get her a motel room for 2 nights).
I do not want to become her safety net. I do not wish to interfere with her parents decisions. I can not become her enabler. She feels rejected. I feel like the bad guy. She is leaning towards abortion saying she could never subject a child to what she went through.
It hurts to have her anger hurled at me like bullets. I can not get pulled into this drama. She thinks I don't love her. I love her enough to practice tough love when I have to. There are moments when I wish it would all fade away....just venting. Tara

[JLynch]

I am an adoptee searching for my b-mother. Your post made me realize a few things. I'm not looking for another mother. I have a great one. I'm just curious about a few things that only she knows. I don't know what she is expecting from you but if I ever find my b-mother, I'll tread lightly. Just realize it is a shock for us too and overwhelming. Good luck
Julie

[sam_i_am_71801]

I am an adoptee, reunited with my family. What do we want? Only to be loved. I know how it feels to not know. Who my family was or where they were in this big old world. Even though we had not been together for 35 years I still loved them. Your children........are just that..........your children. Even though you did not raise them they still blong to you. There is a soul connection. Blood is stronger than adoption. We remember........I know that you probably don't understand .............but there is something in our souls that call us back to you. We have no control over it........it is too powerful. It is a calling. It is a need. I always try to explain this void in a way that natural mothers can relate too. So I shall. Imagine that you are in the park with your 5 year old child. You are visiting with another mother while your children are playing. You look to check on your child. Your child is fine. Playing with the other children. You get into a conversation with the other mother. You take your eyes off of your child for only a moment. You look back to check on your child. Only this time...........the child is gone from your sight. You search the park.....still nothing. Time passes on.........you still wonder you still hope and you still pray that one day your child will return to you. That is what it is like for us....adoptees.....................we dream...........we hope and we pray that one day you will come back to us. Because we love you. Just because we were surrendered to adoption does not mean that we have or ever will forget you. So when your child comes back to you, it is out of love. If you could feel and know our hearts you would know that all we want ..........is love and acceptance.........acknowledgement and comfort. I thank my mother for have given me an opportunity in life that she could not offer. I understand that. I also enjoy sharing my life with her now. It didn't matter how much time had past, for us.........time had stood still. I love to see her smiling face and open arms each time I see her. I have two grandchildren now, I share my joy with her. So you see. We are as much a gift to our mothers, as they are to us. We share our blessings of life.......together.

[lostrmarbles]

Becca i'm in the same boat. My bd just contacted myself a couple days ago, quite a SHOCK!! All I can say is stay in touch with her, it doesn't matter if you arn't the same person what's important is the bio connection and a longterm relationship. go slow, let it happen and enjoy the ride.
My fear is I don't know if I want to meet mine f2f because i'd be heartbroken if she didn't want to have more then that and I don't want the heart break of separation again. Isn't there a book or something on the market to help birthparents like us? i could also use some sage wisdom on what to say and what not to say to a bc.

lostrmarbles

[4kidz4me]

I just started talking to my birth father 2 1/2 weeks ago. I knew how to contact him since I was 18, but chose not to in fear of rejection. He sent me an e-mail 1st and then we talked on the phone. The 1st few days were rough for me, we get along great, but my emotions were all over the place. He consumed my thoughts all day for a couple of days. We now share e-mails daily and he calls about 3 times a week. We have a date set to meet, and I am a bit nervous about that.

I have chosen not to tell my family (other than my husband) about all of this. My mom had me when she was 14 and my bio dad was 15. I lived with my family but he was asked to leave me and my mom alone and he did. He has been very honest with me and I appreciate that. My family is very judgemental and probobly would still hate him today. I wanted to base my opinion of him myself, not from what I would hear. I may tell them at one point, but not now.

I hope I helped a bit. My biggest fear all along, and even sometimes now, is rejection. I know that what my bio dad did was the right thing, but it still hurts.

[Mockingbird]

Originally Posted by sam_i_am_71801

Your children........are just that..........your children. Even though you did not raise them they still blong to you. There is a soul connection. Blood is stronger than adoption. We remember........I know that you probably don't understand .............but there is something in our souls that call us back to you. We have no control over it........it is too powerful. It is a calling. It is a need.

My son (born 1970) found me (in my 50s) last year. I agree that there is that blood connection--I feel that connection to my son SO strongly. I don't know if everyone has this, or just some; but I definitely have this craving to be connected to my son--to hear his voice, to be with him, to hear him laugh, to know he's ok.

[lostrmarbles]

I am thriilled to be able to post to this forum, a yr later, that my daughter and I have stayed in contact and are getting to know each other, it's been a wonderful experience. I admit to still being miffed with the department of useless services however for releasing my psersonal information to her without letting me know, no I don't regret it but am questioning their supposed anonymity legislation.

Anyhow, that is neither here nor there, I am thrilled to have her in my life, never thought i'd for certain ever see her again. God is good.

[Jackiejdajda]

Wonderful news..

And I bet you never get an answer as to why you were not respected by the social service people..
They have too much power..

Jackie

[Dickons]

I have never read anything so absolutely perfect and true. You have the gift of words.

Thank you,
Dickons

[Monster]

Sam you have brought tears to my eyes in such a happy way i usally cry alot out of pain and anger but for the first time i felt some peace with your post..My child contacted me at the age of 6 i have missed her in so many ways i have tried to feel my void with so much but never felt whole until the day she called me for the first time in 6 years i dont feels so broken..I never realized what i was feeling till i read this your words are very powerful. Thanks for your blog im sure it has opened the eyes of many..