[amycarol]

I have been in reunion with my bmom for 14years...you'd think we'd have it down by now, but unfortunately her feelings seem to be changing. To make a long story shorter - I have realized that she has compartmentalized her life. When we first met she was married (no other kids) and her husband and her extended family welcomed me with open arms. She is also an adoptee, so none of these people were actually related to me as it turns out. For years we carried on that way. Then she and her husband separated and she began seeing someone new, whom is still part of her life. That was seven years ago, but I have never really seen him, or spoke to him. My relationship with her brother and his family has also faded away in the past few years. I didn't notice at first but realize now that I have literally no contact with them anymore - not even Christmas cards. I used to go to his house for Christmas every year. When this change began to take place she said it was becuase he was becoming estranged from his children (which apparently had happened once before for a number of years before I met her). Her mother dies two years ago while I wwas out of the country, but even during the year she was in a nursing home, thinking back on it now, I don't think I was ever asked to go visit with her. The details are hazy as they happened slowly over the past three or so years. I was going through a nasty divorce of my own and probably not paying much attention to these things. However, my relationship with my bmom remained strong during all of this time. I have greatly enjoyed my time with her and knowing her somehow makes me feel more complete. Last spring my ex-husband began a horrible custody battle over my daughter (it is still going on - agh!) I remarried in July, she came, but her longimte boyfriend did not, even though he was invited. During these past 6 months I have noticed that she has stopped contacting me. I tried to talk to her about this yesterday but she was defensive almost ot the point of being cruel. She siad she has been busy with "family" I told her that I thought we were family. She said "I have been busy with my neices. Now I know that my bmom has had very little to do with her neices during the entire time I have known her. What I am trying to figure out is what has happened??? Why is she no longer interested in me or my daughter - who thinks of her as a grandparent (she has known her since the day she was born and calls her Nana). My poor daughter misses her and so do I. If anyone has any thoughts on why a bmom would act in this way or any thoughts on why she has never had me meet her boyfriend, please respond. I can't believe after 14 years of a very close relationship it would end like this. I feel like I am being rejected in a whole new way and let me tell you that it hurts very much.

[amycarol]

oh my the "typos" - sorry I should have proofread before posting - I am a bit distraught.

[Jannyroo]

[quote=amycarol]Both of you have had extremely difficult life issues to deal with and it seems the communication has stopped or faded. For some reason only you would understand, you may need to let me know more, you felt you needed to be asked to visit your mum in a nursing home. There must be more to this than meets the eye, but why would you need to be invited to see your mum in a home? I feel that may have resulted in a lot of hurt on her part, but throughout your pain, you are describing yourself as letting things slide. Whilst this has resulted in a withdrawing on both sides, are you able to see how you both seem to have contributed to the eventual withdrawal of communication? I'm just trying to highlight that you both have had some very difficult emotional times, by any stretch of the imagination and yet it comes across that you are waiting for her rather than getting in there and reassuring her through her tribulations as well? This has to be a 2 way thing, but I would encourage you to bury the hurts for now and concentrate on rebuilding your relationship. There may be a few rebuffs, but if you acknowledge your part in letting it slide (and lets face it you both have had severe trials to cope with, but don't let it be a wedge between you) and not expect more than she can give at the moment, maybe, slowly, you can trigger off something good and build something even better than you had before. Life's events change us all and we all need our pain acknowledged, including your bmom. I only have what you have said to go on, but that's what I would identify. Its not meant to hurt, but to help you see a bit more clearly through your pain. I hope it helps. If you want to talk more, please do, this is the best place to get relief, believe me. hugs and love sent your way x x x x

[woundedannie]

Hi ..i am new..and a birthmother in post reunion.. there were two phrases in your thread I could not help focusing on..." I didn't notice at first and not paying much attention"..speaking for myself only as a bmom i feel that this is telltale in reunions...we do have to pay attention..and we do have to notice...or else, yes, withdrawal will occur..if you don't water a plant it will die ..so as it is with any relationship...
Regarding your bmom's boyfriend ... could be that she is still feeling her way in regard to the solidity of the relationship,(both his and yours) ergo, no introduction. I liked what Jannyroo said. Hope my bluntness has not caused you discomfort...will keep posted in hopes that this works out for you..

[josh1788smom]

As a birthmom, I unfortunately have no answers for you, but wanted to give you my support. I cannot imagine, but I know every person is different. I lived for my son to turn 18. I have met him, but it turns out, he is the hesitant one. So we wait some more. I cannot imagine turning my back but maybe your bmom has been through issues unknownst to us and has been damaged by the whole thing in ways we never knew. I wish you the best.